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7 Mindsets to Adopt as Parents of Teens and Tweens (as well as those to ditch!)

1. You must have an empathetic mindset – You need to understand their developmental capacities and limitations. They’re not adults, they’re brain is still in flux, and they are not the best yet at making good decisions or using self-control. They may do things that seem completely irrational to you. But, you have to keep the mindset that they’re doing the best they can with what they have. They don’t want to disappoint you. They don’t want to be overly emotional. So, understand that you’re mindset about their behavior matters – a lot. Having the opposite mindset – that they could do better if they just wanted to or tried harder, or that they’re being dramatic on purpose or trying to manipulate you with their emotions – having these negative mindsets will have a devastating affect on your parenting and the relationship with your child. See episodes 3, 4, and 16 for more on this.
2. You also need an autonomy mindset – By this I mean, you need to be able to support their autonomy, their need to be able to make decisions for themselves and make some mistakes to learn and grow. Accept your position as their consultant rather than their manager. Learn to invite their opinion and listen to what they have to say, negotiate the rules and consequences with them. Having the opposite mindset, feeling the need to control them whether out of fear or wanting to “make them mind”, make them “respect” you or be more obedient, - all these mindsets are detrimental to your parenting goals – things will quickly spiral totally out of control. Go back to episodes 1, 10, 14, 15, 16 and 22 for a reminder.
3. You have to develop a teaching mindset. Remember that they don’t know everything yet and that discipline actually means to teach, not to punish. Punishment will do nothing but drive their behavior underground and make them rebel. Natural or logical consequences are what you want when possible but it’s not even necessary that every single infraction has a consequence. Talking is good too. Have another listen to episodes 16 and 22 to refresh your memory.
4. Then there’s the mindful mindset. Being in the present with your teen or tween rather than predicting the future or remembering what they or a sibling did last week or what happened to you in the past. Being able to stay with them in the moment and address only that child at that point in time is so very important. Drifting into the past or into the future means you’re parenting out of fear. Listen again to episode 8 for some tips here.
5. I’m going to call this the participatory mindset for lack of a better term. This is understanding and having an attitude that how you think, how you feel and how you behave has an enormous impact on how your child thinks, feels, and behaves. We are a big ole’ boulder in their pond and our ripples can bounce them right out of their boat or guide them safely to shore. Instead of looking only to your child when they’re having a hard time, remember that you could be playing a role. Ditch any mindset you may have that your kid needs to be fixed, that there’s something wrong with them and look at what you may be doing to make things worse. The way we parent matters, and our mindsets impact the way we parent. Our history, the way we were raised, our emotions - all these things play a role and being aware of that and where we are is critical. You can listen to episode 8 for more here.
6. The next is really important and that’s your connection mindset. Keeping connection in the forefront of your mind at all times with your adolescent is necessary if you want to keep it. They’re not going to be very good at it for a few years. They want to stay connected but it’s uncomfortable and they’re really busy with their friends and you’re embarrassing, and you don’t understand what it’s like to be them. All of these issues make it really hard to connect with them but not impossible. Don’t adopt a defeatist mindset about your connection. Don’t let your ego get in the way. Quit feeling hurt that they stay in their room all the time. Stop withholding affection to teach them a lesson. Be the adult and make the effort to connect. Listen to episode 26 to learn how.
7. This last one I’ll call the positive anticipatory mindset – expecting the best of them, not the worst. Yes, adolescence can be hard for some kids (and parents). They can all have their moments but having the mindset that teens are just inherently going to get into trouble or cause problems is counterproductive. As a matter of fact, it can lead to exactly that happening. You have a great kid who happens to be an adolescent, who happens to not have a fully operational brain. But that doesn’t mean they’ll always make the worst decision. It doesn’t mean they can’t show great maturity at times. It doesn’t mean they’re always irresponsible or lazy. Expecting the worst, assuming it, can have dire consequences for your relationship with them because it will affect your behavior toward them in a negative way and it will then affect their behavior. So, assume the best of them, look for the best in them, praise the best in them.

Sources, Resources, and Mentions

Hidden Brain podcast - Reframing Your Reality Part 1 and Part 2 with Dr. Alia Crum

Confirmation Bias Test (2, 4, 6)

Heaven's Gate Website!