I don’t have to tell you that when you’re the parent of an adolescent,  some days can feel like – I mean – what the hell? It’s like – is someone going to jump out from behind a door and tell me this was just a joke? That really didn’t just happen.

But - what if our perspective is seriously biased? Consider things from our kid’s point of view: they’re the butt of jokes, disrespected, assumed guilty until proven innocent, not trusted, not allowed to speak their mind, given very little privacy, their emotions are not taken seriously (they’re just being dramatic or hormonal), they’re required to meet high expectations at all times, not allowed to make their own decisions, to negotiate for increased rights, or make mistakes and not given much praise for all their efforts. They’re expected to jump when we say jump, do what we want them to do, be who we want them to be and do it all with a smile on their face, while navigating their complex social and emotional world, showing their boundless love and respect for us, studying for the SATs, and padding their college resume.

Stay with me and hear what your teen or tween really wished you understood.

I’m Ann Coleman and this is Speaking of Teens.

For this episode I went in search of a teenager’s perspective – what do they struggle to make us understand? What do they wish we got? I’ve read blog posts written by therapists, teachers, and youth ministers who’ve worked with adolescents for years and have their own lists of things these kids have communicated to them. I’ve read posts by teens and tweens themselves - Quora and Reddit are full of very candid, insightful, and emotional comments…some of which made me want to cry.

I know full well that none of us mean to cause our kids any mental or emotional distress. We don’t want to be the subject of their therapist’s visits now or 20 years from now. We want to do a good job, make sure they feel loved and grow up to be happy and mentally healthy (and successful) adults! Then why do so many of our kids feel so disconnected from us? Why are they so sad and anxious? So very frustrated, disappointed, and even angry with us?

I believe it’s because we’ve misunderstood the whole point of adolescence. Our kids are supposed to be figuring out who they are, learning to make decisions themselves, doing things on their own, taking risks, making mistakes, and figuring out how to solve their own problems.

But in our misguided attempt to ensure they make none of those mistakes so they can rise to the level of success we deem acceptable; we not only hobble their growth, but we cause an enormous amount of discontent within our child and create disconnection between us.

We see potential catastrophes and failures around every corner and don’t want that for them. We’re afraid for them. We’re afraid of what will happen if we give them the space and the privacy they want. We’re afraid to trust them. We’re afraid to allow them to make their own decisions, to have the freedom and opportunity to screw up. We want the best for them…and in wanting it so badly, we often fail to recognize what really is best for them - what they really do need from us. And not so surprisingly, these things they wish we understood, what we have a hard time “getting” are the very things scientific studies and experts tell us we should be doing. Our kids instinctively know what they need from us but somehow, our instincts are just the opposite!

So, listen up - These are the things our teens wish we knew – and we need to understand (in no particular order of importance).

Number one - Not every conversation needs to be a “teachable moment” – this was a recurring theme in my research. Our kids want to be able to be near us now and then without being taught or disciplined or questioned or reminded. If every time they’re around us, they feel pressured or stressed, they will be around us as little as possible. Think about it. Enjoy just being with them with absolutely no agenda. No mention of chores or homework or grades, sex drugs or whatever else – just enjoy sharing the same space with them – maybe ask them how things are going in general – what’s up? And listen without judgment or freaking out. You might just get more.

Number two - Our teens want us to understand that sometimes, we’re just plain wrong and need to apologize. We assume something about them, accuse them of something they didn’t do, yell or issue too harsh of a consequence. And all they want us to do is to admit we’re wrong, we made a mistake, we shouldn’t have done it – and apologize – just as we expect them to do when they’ve done something wrong. We might assume we’re showing weakness, or it would somehow undermine our authority – but just the opposite is true. Admitting we’re human and make mistakes and owning up to them and apologizing, shows them how much we love them and want to maintain our connection.

Number three –  is about their emotional moments. Daniel Friedman who founded modernteen.co, was just the other side of his teen years when he wrote a blog post in March 2020 about things Teenagers wish their parents knew. He says, “When I’m upset, don’t ask me every second, “What’s wrong! What’s wrong! We want your affection, but we don’t want you to pry. When we’re ready to speak, we’ll tell you what’s wrong. And if we don’t want to, you should respect that as well! DO NOT make fun, judge, or imitate us when we’re upset. We’ll remember that stuff and good luck having us share our feelings ever again.”

He goes on to tell us to listen when your teen is sharing their feelings and he suggests, when they’ve finished to ask, “Would you like me to share my thoughts?”

And he also cautions that if they say they don’t really want to hear what you think then just be there for them, (quote), “Teens don’t always want your advice or opinion. At times, they just want a friend to listen.” Okay, so Daniel is a genius. This is perfect advice for parents.

Number four – They want a little praise when they do good. They’re constantly being told what to do, when to do it, to do it better, to do it faster, to do cleaner! And they’re reminded and nagged and sometimes punished or yelled at…all of which is really negative feedback from their perspective. They’d like a little positivity now and then. Tell them they did a great job when they actually remember to put their dishes in the sink or hang the towel up. Thank them for putting their clothes in the hamper or leaving their shoes where they go. Give them a hug when they set the table. We all need positive reinforcement, but when you look at the amount of negative reinforcement teens get, they need even more. Remember, in episode 26 we talked about the number of positive interactions it takes to counteract a single negative interaction with teens – we know the ratio is at least 5 to 1 but possibly more like 10 to 1 – so use sincere praise any time you can.

Number five is a biggie and rightfully so – they want and need their privacy. This is what Daniel Friedman of modernteen.co says: “After a long day of school and other daily activities, we come home to our quiet place. It’s our safe haven if you will. We can unwind, do what we want, and have the privacy (most of the time) to be ourselves.” He explains that teens want you to respect the amount of alone-time they need, to knock and wait for them to tell you it’s okay to come in and close that door behind you when you leave. Daniel’s sentiments were backed up by many other comments I saw from other teens. For example, “I need silence, peace, just in general space. I just simply want to do stuff without judgment. Dressing up, doing my makeup, messing with my hair, cleaning. But they don’t get that. They think I spend so much time alone in my room because I’m trying to distance myself. No, I’m simply trying to deal with my mental exhaustion from them asking me things or just existing. They think that me shutting myself away is making me depressed, but it’s letting me relax. I will never get time to myself. And I sadly have to accept that, but it hurts me. More than most people would probably think. I just simply need space.”

Do you hear that desperation? I know it might be hard to believe that there’s nothing nefarious going on behind a closed door and we do worry that maybe they’re depressed or just need to be around other people. But the point is, teens do need their own space where they can feel totally relaxed and unbothered after a stressful day at school. If you have reasons to restrict their privacy, then that needs to be a discussion and negotiation between you and your child. Give them a chance to have their privacy restored as soon as possible. We’ll definitely circle back to this topic in another episode.

Number six – They want us to know that we have no idea what it’s like to be a teenager in 2022. And they are absolutely correct – we don’t. We haven’t been teens for at least a couple of decades. And a lot has changed in the past 20 or 30 years if you haven’t noticed. School is completely different. Kids start feeling the pressure in middle school to take the right classes and by high school the pressure about college becomes really intense. And even if you’re in your 30s, the technology you grew up with is still nothing compared to Instagram, Tic Toc, and Snapchat.

The point is, don’t talk about how hard you had it without Wikipedia - or in my case, (without the internet) – that’s the equivalent of our grandparents talking about walking 10 miles, uphill, both ways, in the snow to get back and forth to school!

You can tell them you understand what it’s like to be a stressed-out teenager if you want, but they are not going to believe you and you will lose credibility with them. Instead, let them know that you have no real idea how hard they have it, how much pressure is on them but that you want to be there for them and want to know how you can help. Invite them to share their frustrations and empathize with them, which leads me into…

Number seven – They want us to take their stress, anxiety, and depression very seriously. I may have found more comments about this issue than any other – here are just a few:

“My father cares more about my grades than my wellbeing, and my mother cares more about my child labor than my mental and emotional health.”

“Our mental health is terrible, and we think you don’t give a shit. My mom is a therapist and wrote off my dream/anxiety attack as nothing.”

“When I was around 15, I told my father that I thought I was depressed. He said, ‘Depressed? Sweetie, I don’t think you know what that means.’ It was hurtful. Not just to my well-being, but to our relationship. I was going through a hard time, and he didn’t believe it. So, I lost faith in him.”

“I wish my parents understood the anxiety is real and didn’t look at it as ‘not a big deal’”

There are many teens out there who feel their parents don’t really take their mental health struggles seriously. I’m sure you haven’t purposefully ignored or made light of your child’s mental health issues. But I want you to remember how very important it is to stay on top of this and take them seriously. If they say they’re anxious – they’re anxious. If they say they’re depressed – they’re depressed. Ignoring, putting off, or making light of these direct pleas for help could be devastating. Just take it seriously and seek professional help – let a psychologist or therapist figure it out. And let your teen know you are going to do whatever it takes to get them the help they need and then do it – immediately. If you need more direction on this, episode 7 might help or you can always reach out to me – I’ll give you my contact info at the end of the podcast.

Number eight – They want you to loosen the reigns a bit. They want to be allowed to make as many of their own decisions as possible, and if those decisions lead to mistakes, they want you to just let them learn from those mistakes. They can’t handle being overly controlled. They need you to deal with your own fears or controlling nature or parenting style and let them figure things. They want you to know that the more you try to control them, the more they are going to fight against it and hide things from you. We talked about this in several episodes.

Here are a few comments:

“I get you want to protect me, but please don’t try and micromanage… I won’t be able to handle the real, world.”

“I am not the prime target of all terrorists, rapists, and criminals who exist.”

“Yelling at your child isn’t always the answer, and if it was, then they wouldn’t continue to misbehave as frequently as they do.”

“You're so worried about it like it's gonna’ end my life if I have a 70 average”

And I love this one – “I will make stupid decisions because that is how my brain works in this stage of life.” (somebody had a lesson on the adolescent brain)

Number nine – They want us to stop trying to mold them into someone they’re not. They want us to understand that they’re an individual with individual tastes and desires and interests. That they don’t have to agree with us about everything, they don’t have to want the same things out of life and that their definition of success may be very different from ours. And they want to be able to express themselves freely without judgement or derision – whether it’s in what they say or in their appearance.  Here are a few comments in case you don’t get it:

“I don't have to think the same as you. I have a different brain. If you think something is boring, then ok. If I think the same thing us fun, then ok. Don't force me to think like you, cuz I won't.”

“Stop trying to make me like the same stuff as you. Ok, you like rock music, good for you. But I like K-pop, why is that not ok to you? Stop forcing me to listen to your music, I'm not going to change you know.”

“Let me have my opinion. If I try to prove my point, I'm labeled as disrespectful. No. I don't hate you. I'm just trying to back up my argument.”

“I am not going to an Ivy League or other insane school no matter how much you want me too. Hell, I don’t stand a shot of getting in.”

“Just because I listen to rap or explicit music, I will not become a bad person.”

“Don’t tell me that if I dye my hair with color that washes out in a few weeks that I’ll get addicted to body modification, have to get a face tattoo and then never get a job.”

Number ten – They really want you to know that love and appreciate you but it’s hard for them to show it. Madison Farrell, wrote for marinatimes.com just back in September of this year (2022) that when she first got her driver’s license she was spending less time with her parents so the time they did spend together meant even more to her. She says, “even if it was just sitting with me at the table late at night after practice eating dinner. Even if we don’t always say thank you or give you a big hug, we know when you go out of your way for us and we value the time we get to spend with you.”

And, from Daniel Friedman again, “It’s true. No matter how frustrated we get, we love and appreciate what you do for us. We’re grateful that you take time to make us food, bring in an income, drive us places, keep an eye on us, care about our future, and all the above. We’re mysterious humans and it’s hard for us to show our affection sometimes. We often feel you don’t appreciate us either and it turns into a war of negativity. If you start to show your appreciation towards teenagers, they will start to show it back. It’s hard for us to come out of that bubble before you do, so be the bigger person… for us?

Number elevan – Don’t talk down to them, belittle them or treat them like children. They want to treated with dignity and respect, just like we would treat any other another adult. So, before you say something to them or ask them to do something…ask yourself, would I treat a co-worker this way? My good friend? My business partner?

Imagine telling your good friend before leaving to go out for dinner one night that her skirt was too short, she had on too much makeup and frankly, looked a little skanky. Or telling your co-worker he doesn’t really need that piece of pie he’s warming up in the microwave. Or telling your husband he can’t play golf Saturday because he needs to work on his PowerPoint for Monday morning’s management meeting. If you treat your teen with dignity, and respect the person they’re becoming, they will certainly have more respect for you.

Here are some comments from teens:

“I'm not the same person I was at 7. If I don't want to be kissed on the face by my uncle it's not because I have ‘angry teen hormones’, it’s because he's kind of creepy.”

“I’m just tired of everything you say sounding like you’re accusing me of something or that you’re mad at me.”

And, from Daniel Friedman, “Treat us like adults, and your home will be a more peaceful place.”

Number twelve – They want us to be open to negotiation and compromise but also, if we are not willing to negotiate, they want us to explain why. So, let’s say you’ve already set a rule with them about not going to a party unless you’ve spoken to the parents and this party comes up at the last minute. But they tell you they don’t know how you can get in touch with the parents. And you tell them, you’re sorry but they can’t go. Yes, they know the reason is that you haven’t spoken to the parents but when they ask you why they can’t go, rather than just repeating the obvious, they probably need a reminder of why you want to speak to the parents of the party host and that because it involves safety, it’s non-negotiable. But we’ve talked about all this back in episode 16 I believe. The fact that we should be open to compromise in certain situations because it supports their autonomy. Parents who set all the rules themselves, along with all the consequences and are unwilling to discuss any of this with their teen and unwilling to make exceptions or budge, are setting themselves up for several long hard years of fighting, arguing, rebellion and anxiety – it’s a fact.

Here’s a comment for ya’: “I'm not your baby anymore. I'm 13. Stop putting ridiculous restrictions on me. I'm not saying I want to go to parties or anything. I'm saying that the rule of no technology upstairs at all is ridiculous. If I wanted to do something bad, I could just lock myself in a downstairs room. Also, give me a reason. “Because we don't trust you” is not a valid reason. You don't trust me to do what? Be safe online? After we have about 50 lessons on digital citizenship a year? Apparently not.”

And another – “When I ask “why” it isn’t out of disobedience or questioning your authority, I really want to know, sometimes need to know. If you don't let me in on your decision making, how am I supposed to learn to make my own?”

Number thirteen – They want you to get over the whole, “you’re too attached to your phone” thing and here’s why.

Daniel Friedman says, “If you think your teen is ruining their life because they’re on their phone, you are wrong. You grew up in a different generation, we know. Things were different back then, we know. When you were a child, televisions were new to the world and you adapted, because that’s what humans do. (I’m sorry Daniel, I have to interject, because I know your parents can’t be in their 80’s – but that’s okay, we get the point) We adapt to the world around us or we get left behind. If you don’t understand that, then teenagers honestly feel sorry for you. And just because you don’t understand, it doesn’t mean that you have to take that away from your teen.”

Daniel goes on to point out several positive things cell phones and social media do for teenagers – it allows them to:

• Connect with friends
• Make new friends
• Learn new topics
• Understand the world faster
• Manage their finances
• Receive job opportunities (yes, jobs!)
• Join groups about passionate interests
• Learn internet safety
• Have access to billions of knowledgeable resources
• Grow a following
• Have a voice

He continues, “I can go on and on. This is just a fraction of what’s available to them on a little hand-held device that you feel the need to diminish. Don’t make fun or judge them because they use their phones. If anything, you should be jealous and ask them how to stay in the present world without falling behind.”

So, again, cell phones, electronics, social media are worth several other individual episodes – but I’ll have to say, most experts these days agree with Daniel. Yes, there are some horrible things and horrible people online they can be exposed to – without a doubt. And social media is, in my book is kind of a 60/40 good to bad ratio. But cell phones aren’t going anywhere. The internet is here to stay. Social media – I mean, come on, we’re stuck with it until the next iteration pops up – and we know it will. So, instead of constantly “diminishing that little handheld device” as Daniel says, we should acknowledge the positives it does provide. And if you’re old enough to remember back to 1989 or 90 before the Motorola brick or the bag phone – things were sure more complicated when you had to take a road trip or get in touch with your parents to pick you up from the movies. So, be thankful for the good it does provide and keep teaching your kids about internet safety without dissing the phone or social media. And we’ll come back to this topic at some point in the future.

Those were the biggest issues – the ones that came up over and over, but several other comments came up more than once in my research and are certainly worth mentioning here:

Don’t compare me to my siblings or my friends

Don’t talk about me to your friends

Get my input or opinion on big issues like moving or changing schools

Stop complaining and nagging about everything I do or don’t do

Don’t call me names or criticize things about me that I can’t change

And seriously - You can’t pause a multiplayer online game!

Again, these are the things they’re desperate for us to understand – and they’re right – these are some of the most important things we do need to understand. We have to admit that being a teenager today is much more stressful and competitive and anxiety and depression inducing than when we were young. Adolescent mental health statistics prove that. So, when they say they’re struggling with their mental health –they are, and we need to help them. We should never make light of what they’re going through. It’s real. We should be approachable so they feel comfortable sharing what’s going on in their emotional world and we should never bug them to tell us about it. And when they do share, we need to listen without judgment, acknowledge their feelings, and never give unsolicited advice or opinions.

We have to give them a break from the constant teachable moments, the reminders, the correction, treat them with dignity and respect, be willing to compromise and discuss things with them. Be generous with our praise and appreciation for them, admit when we’re wrong or made a mistake and sincerely apologize.

We need to remind ourselves that they need their privacy – their bedroom is their escape from all the stress and the pressure they’re under.

We have to learn to stop trying to control everything they do - support their autonomy – step back a little and let them learn through their mistakes. And show them we’re proud of who they are rather than trying to shape them into who we want them to be.

We have to accept that cell phones, the internet and social media are a way of life for them and stop comparing it to how we grew up. Every single generation for centuries has felt the same way; “When I was young, we didn’t have Elvis Presly and all this crazy rock and roll business to listen to all day”. Our kids will feel the same way we do one day about whatever their teenagers have (and we can laugh and say, yeah, remember when we felt the same way about your cell phone?)

And, most importantly – really this is serious – We need to realize that You can’t pause a multiplayer online game!

 

Before I wrap it up today, I wanted to give you a heads up about the podcast schedule through the end of 2022 – which is not far away. I’m trying to work in holiday travel, football games, family, and time to finalize the online parenting course I’ve been researching and compiling for the last 4 years now. I think it’s time to put something out there for you. I’m shooting for a February launch date, so I’ll keep you updated.

So, I’m going to switch to an every-other-week schedule starting today and through December. So, next Tuesday, the 22^nd, I won’t have a new show out, I’ll be back on November 29^th, then again on December 13^th and 27^th. Then starting with the first Tuesday in January, I’ll go back to the weekly schedule.

Speaking of Teens is the official podcast of neurogility.com.

Go to neurogility.com/herewego for lots of free resources to help you learn more about the science of parenting your adolescent.

You can get to the show notes for today’s episode (including full transcript) at neurogility.com/28

Thank you for being here and as always, please share this episode with a friend you think would enjoy it!

Don’t forget, I’ll be back on November 29^th and in the meantime, if you to reach me, you can email me at acoleman@neurogility.com or DM me on Instagram @neurogility

Have a wonderful week!