If your teen is world class at throwing fits and having meltdowns, I’m going to teach you how to get that under control.

Hey there, I’m Ann Coleman, an attorney turned parent educator, and I made a mess of things with my teenage son before figuring out how to turn things around. In this podcast, I teach you science backed strategies that will improve your teen’s behavior. Welcome to the 6th installment of my fundamentals of parenting teens series.

Back around 6 years ago one of the biggest issues we had with our teenage son was his inability to manage his emotions. Having both ADHD and anxiety, his nervous system was always on high alert and once he was triggered, my ADHD and anxiety kicked in and all I wanted to do was make him stop. But I had no clue how to do that so I made everything worse.

In this episode I’m going to teach you how to help your teen calm down after they’ve become emotionally dysregulated, which will eventually help them become less easily triggered in the first place.

It’s called emotion coaching and it was the first skill I learned when I first became immersed in the science of adolescent behavior-- it completely changed our world—and it will change yours too—stay with me until the end and make notes!

First of all, if you haven’t watched or listened to at least the first two episodes of this series, go back to them after this episode because it will help you understand more about why your teen has such a hard time regulating their emotions.

Because so much of what I’m going to teach you today hinges on your ability to change your mindset and become more aware of your teen’s inner world. You have to accept that they cannot help how their brain works right now, and these outbursts, meltdowns, tantrums, are a side effect of their changing brain.

I do have a visualization technique that just might help you a bit here. I’m going to give it a name today – let’s call “big headed baby”.

If you’ll recall, your teen’s brain is going through a very similar process to what it went through from birth to age 3 (meltdowns, tantrums and all). So, anytime they get upset or throw a fit, I want you to picture their big ole teenager head on their itty bitty 2-year-old body and remind yourself that you may have been aggravated with them when they threw fits at that age but you understood that it was developmentally appropriate so you helped them to calm down…and it’s no different now. It’s your job as their parent.

They need you as much now as they needed, you all those years ago when they threw themselves on the ground when they didn’t get what they wanted. You have to use your fully formed prefrontal cortex, to help them learn to regulate theirs.

This really is a huge opportunity to form a deep emotional connection with them, to build their trust, to be their “go to” person.

Please go back to the previous episode and download my free guide, emotional awareness strategies for more help with your emotional regulation.

So, that’s step 1: keeping yourself regulated so you can respond to your teen properly when they’re having an emotional moment.

Now, since getting your own emotions under control is step one, I’m going to say that having a deep understanding of your teen’s emotional vulnerabilities is step 2. As I said, a lot of this is mindset and awareness.

Start paying more attention to what causes them to get angry, frustrated, annoyed, nervous, etc. I mentioned in the last episode that it’s helpful to keep a journal of the emotional encounters with your teen to note what happened, the circumstances, the time of day, who else was around, what was said.

Much of this is intuitive and you’re probably pretty attuned to their emotional signals. And this is so important. Research shows that the more aware a parent is of their teen’s emotions, the less likely the teen is to have higher levels of anxiety and depression. That’s because the more aware you are of what they’re feeling, the more likely you are to step in and help them process those emotions, which means your child is less likely to ruminate over them or stew in that emotion (which is what can lead to anxiety and depression).

So, step two is becoming more aware of their emotions.

 

Now, step 3 is recognizing the goal of emotion coaching is to improve your teen’s emotional intelligence; specifically, their emotional awareness and emotional regulation. Because their prefrontal cortex is not very good at helping tame their emotions, you’re going to use your fully formed prefrontal cortex to show them how.

In that first episode of this Fundamentals’ series I talked about how during adolescence, their brain is extremely plastic, meaning they will learn better now than at any other time in their life. The more they do something, the better they will get at doing that thing – very quickly.

So, by using this emotion coaching technique, you will literally be helping train their brain to recognize how they feel in the moment and gradually to calm themselves when they get upset and even tame their triggers so they can keep from getting so upset in the first place. And it works—it’s an amazing thing to witness—I saw it with my own son.

Scientific research has also shown that children whose parents coach them through their big emotions have better mental health, do better academically, have better relationships, and are more emotionally connected to their parents – all the things you want for your child.

This is part of the parenting methodology I teach in Parent Camp. If you want to know more, the link is in the episode description.

So, step 3 is to recognize the goal is to help your teen become more emotionally intelligent.

Step 4 is a decision you’re going to make based on the circumstances. And this has to do with both yours and your teen’s emotional state. You have to decide whether to engage with them in the moment they’re dysregulated or not.

I took my sweet 11-year-old rescue dog Leo to a new vet the other day and from the moment we stepped through the door into the exam room, he started trembling, and by the time the vet entered the room with the assistant he was in full meltdown mode, growling, cowering, and shaking all over. They tried getting in the floor with him, petted him, eventually lassoed him, muzzled him, and he wiggled free and literally took the muzzle off…so, we walked out with pills rather than a shot and a recommendation to come by another day for a “happy visit”.

Sometimes, you have to cut your losses, adapt to the situation, and try again later.

So, if a) your teen is so emotionally dysregulated that they will not hear what you say, or b) you feel you’ll get emotionally dysregulated if you try to engage with them, cut your losses and come back later.

It may not be possible to do what you need to do until they’ve taken it down a notch or two and you can’t do what you need to do if you feel like you’re going to lose it on them. So, you may need to excuse yourself and come back later.

That’s step 4 – deciding to engage now or later

Now, whether you engage now or later, step 5 is to listen fully to what your teen is saying and try to figure out what they’re feeling and why. Listening without interruption will help them begin to calm down, because they’ll see they don’t need to keep being loud or upset to get through to you.

If you’ll recall in the 4th installment in this Fundamentals series, I talked about supporting your teen’s autonomy and how they want to be heard and understood and respected. Listening to them explain their problem, what they’re upset about, is a HUGE part of supporting their autonomy and reducing arguments and power struggles.

This means setting your phone aside, getting up from your laptop and going over to where they are, looking them in the eye (if they seem receptive to that)…doing whatever you can to physically demonstrate to them that you are 100% dedicated to hearing them out in that moment.

Again, step 5 – listen fully

Step 6 is to prove to them that you not only listened, but you understood them, and know what they’re feeling, and why.

So, as you listen, you’re cueing into your teen’s emotional state, reading between the lines, even asking questions to try and understand more about what’s going on so you truly get it.

Then you’re going to reflect what they’ve said back to them – generally, you’ll summarize, in your own words what they just explained…and ask them if you got it right. It might go something like, “So, let me see if I understand. Dean asked you to go to the car show this Saturday and you said yes, but you just heard him talking to Thomas about going with Thomas’ family to the mountains all weekend. Is that right?”

This gives them a chance to correct any assumptions you may have made and it’s also a great opportunity for them to hear someone else sort out why they’re upset and process it a bit. Things can sometimes feel different when said by someone else.

Now, if they’ve said something simple, you could reflect with one word or even a sound. “Dang” or “hmmm” or “I get it”. It doesn’t have to be that complicated.

So, step 6, is reflect what they say.

Next, step 7, is validating or acknowledging their feelings about the situation. You’ll hear me use validate or acknowledge interchangeably – same thing – you’re letting them know that you understand specifically how they feel in this moment.

This is why you have to really listen and you have to be aware of your teen’s emotional states. It also helps to have a broad vocabulary of emotion words. Understanding words to describe our emotions helps us become more emotionally aware and regulated. You will help your teen tremendously if you help them learn emotion words. Google and download an emotions wheel or in that Emotional Awareness Strategies guide I mentioned earlier – I included tons of emotion words and definitions in there.

Our emotions give us direction—tell us what to do next—and we can’t figure out what to do when we’re upset if we don’t know the type of “upset” we are.

And understand that anger is often the emotion that shows up on the outside but is actually masking other emotions like worry, anxiety, jealousy, shame, embarrassment. So, just because someone acts angry doesn’t mean that anger isn’t just the outer part you’re seeing which is hiding something else. Anger can act as a protective mechanism—to keep us from feeling those more vulnerable emotions.

So try to figure out what your teen is feeling so you can acknowledge how they feel by giving them a word for it. You could say something like, “Wow, I can see you’re really hurt about this situation with Dean.”

Now, you’re doing several things at once by validating their feelings and naming them specifically in this way:

You’re proving, again, that you’re thoroughly listened to them and understand them, and

You’re helping them make meaning out of what they’re feeling

 

Have you ever had a weird physical symptom that popped up out of nowhere? It’s really painful and you’re worried because you don’t know what’s wrong. Then you go to the doctor and they tell you it’s reflux and give you a prescription. When you leave you feel so much better because you’re like, “Okay, I’m not crazy, my symptoms were real, it has a name and can be treated.”

That’s very similar to how your teen feels when they’re upset. They know they don’t feel right, something’s wrong, they want to curl up in a ball, or scream, or cry, or hit something but why and what do they do about it?

When you help them name their emotions, it gives them something to latch on to…just like naming the illness someone has…and it allows them to take a big sigh of relief…”okay, I’m not crazy, they can see what’s wrong and it actually has a name so maybe I can do something about it.”

So, this too, helps them calm down even further.

Let me clarify that by validating their feelings, you’re not agreeing with them that they should feel the way they do or act the way they’re acting.

You’re simply telling them you understand that they feel a certain way about something. For example, your teen might say something like, “Mrs. Smith keeps giving us the same 10 problems to do over and over because some people in the class still don’t get it. It’s just stupid.”

Validating would sound something like, “So you’re having to do the same problems over and over even though you understand it? It sounds like you’re really frustrated with the way Mrs. Smith’s teaching right now.”

You’re not saying, “I agree. I’d be frustrated too. She sounds like a real idiot.” Do you see the difference? You’re just saying I understand the emotion you’re having right now.

So, step 7 is validate their emotions using an emotion word.

Now, Step 8 is don’t invalidate their emotions. Of course, this is the opposite of what you want to do and I want you to know what it sounds like so you can be sure to avoid it.

Unfortunately, this is the default for most of us. We do it all the time. If you want to cause an argument, or make your teen just try harder to convince you they’re angry or nervous or annoyed, just tell them to “calm down” or “stop taking things so seriously” or “don’t worry about it…it’s fine”. You’re basically telling them they don’t have a right to feel the way they feel or that they don’t understand their own feelings. That’s not only aggravating but can be confusing as well.

“I’m sure Mrs. Smith is just doing what’s best for the entire class. She knows what she’s doing, just be patient.” Not what your teen needs to hear in that moment.

Imagine you tell your best friend, “My boss is going to be the death of me. She cannot make up her mind what she wants from me and my team. Every time we start a project she throws another more urgent issue my way.” Now, your best friend says, “Well, I’d just keep on doing what you’re doing—I’m sure it will be just fine. You’ve probably just misunderstood her management style.”

Is that what you’d want to hear? Of course not. You’d want them to say something like, “So she’s just piling on the work, right? Geez, that sounds really hard, I see it’s really frustrating for you. I’m so sorry you’re going through that.” Am I right?

Remember, your teen just wants the same respect you show your friends and colleagues. They have a right to vent as much as anyone else. You do not need to correct everything they say.

And speaking of correcting - you’ll also invalidate them if you interrupt to correct them in the middle of their big emotions. This needs to come later after you’ve coached them through it. For example, if they curse or get snarky with you, or even if they throw something or damage something, unless they’re endangering themselves or someone else, don’t jump in and say something like “don’t talk to me that way” or “you’re going to pay for that remote control” a) you’re throwing fuel on the fire and b) if they’re completely dysregulated they’re not going to hear a word you say because their amygdala has taken over and their prefrontal cortex has left the building. Their ability to think rationally is long gone.

Any negative behavior they exhibit when they were upset, can be addressed after you’ve coached them, connected with them, and they’ve calmed down.

The message to send is “you have a right to feel however you feel, but that doesn’t mean you have a right to act any way you want to act.”

If they’ve damaged something, that’s when you can discuss them paying for it, if they’ve been rude, that’s when you discuss it. But, what you’ll find, if you learn to do this coaching, is your teen will end up coming back to you to apologize and offer to pay or do whatever is necessary. That’s how powerful this emotional connection can be.

Okay, step 8 don’t invalidate their emotions.

We’re almost there. I’m going to give you the science behind step 9 before I introduce it.

When we’re stressed and upset about something, one of the chemicals is released in our brain and body is the stress hormone, cortisol, which keeps the stress going. But because the human body is an amazing thing, we also have the ability to produce a hormone called oxytocin that has a calming, anti-stress effect. People call oxytocin the love hormone, it’s produced during social bonding and intimacy, childbirth, breast feeding.

So, when your teen is experiencing some emotional upset, if you can help their brain produce a little oxytocin, it can have a calming effect. You can do this at any point during the process by placing a hand on their back, hugging them, touching their hand…whatever works in the moment and won’t get you punched. Obviously, you have to know your teen and read the room. But it can help tremendously.

So, step 9 – give them a calming touch if appropriate.

Okay, before I explain the 10th step, please remember to go back and review this entire Fundamentals of Parenting teens series on YouTube or in your podcast app and follow or subscribe so you won’t miss the next two episodes.

Alright, the 10th step in this process is problem solving…and I don’t mean jumping in there to give them advice or try and fix the problem for them. That will ruin everything you’ve done so far and just cause an argument.

This is part of the learning experience. If your teen is upset with themselves, someone else, or they’ve made a mistake, done something wrong and they’re upset about it…whatever it is, they have to be the one to decide how to resolve the problem. Now you can lead them through this process by asking leading questions like, “what do you think you could do or say to resolve the situation?” or “what would you do differently next time to avoid this problem altogether”. And if they ask you for advice you can give it (be careful not to go too far) and you could even ask them if they’d like your advice. But usually by the end of the conversation they’ve decided what to do and that’s what you want. You want your teen to be able to calm themselves and solve their own problems with a little coaching from you.

Start music here

Okay, I know this was a lot so go back and listen or watch again, make notes, download that guide, and watch the rest of the series (right here). Let me know what you’ve thought about the series so far-leave a comment and let’s talk about it.

Whether you’re listening or watching on YouTube I appreciate you and I’ll see you next time. Thanks so much. Now, go connect with your teen.