From the Parent Camp Newsletter 2-28-24
The hardest thing about changing my parenting was learning to keep my mouth shut and listen! Listening has never been my strong suit. I’m a “fixer.” I know the answer. I can fix it!
😢And when it comes to our kids, some of us can get stuck on “if they’d just listen to me everything would be okay.”
But our job is not to tell them what they should do. Our job is to help them learn to consider issues from all sides, think for themselves, trust their judgment, make their own decisions, and feel good about doing so…even if it doesn’t work out the way they wanted.
We can’t help them do that if they won’t talk to us though, right? So, you have to work on your approach when it looks like something’s gone wrong.
Jumping right in with “what’s wrong?” or “what happened?” or saying, “talk to me” is not going to work. You’ll get “nothing”, “nothing” and “no.”
Instead, learn to simply observe and state what you see. For example, let’s say your daughter walks into the kitchen and starts opening and closing draws and cabinet doors really aggressively. She has a scowl on her face and looks like she’s about to blow a gasket.
You might be tempted to immediately say, “please stop slamming things” or “What’s the matter?” And it’s hard to resist, right? These things happen so suddenly it can be a bit shocking, and it may trigger you into fight or flight.😤
But remember your mantra or counting to 25 or deep breathing, whatever it is that you have chosen to do to help yourself calm down in these moments. Then what?
Here’s what you can say in any situation where they’re obviously angry, frustrated, or otherwise upset, rather than asking them what’s going on or correcting their behavior: “It looks like you’re really (insert emotion word) about something.”
It’s a lot harder for them to say “no, I’m not” when you’ve stated the obvious rather than asking a question to which they could simply answer “nothing.”
It may be tempting for you to follow that statement with a question (“want to tell me about it?”) but resist because that puts you in the same position as asking the question in the first place.
Make your statement and then be quiet. They may or may not open up about it, but the likelihood is much greater this way.
Now, what they tell you, may still make you want to jump in there and start giving advice or correct them.
For example, the drawer-slamming daughter may say, “Yes, I’m mad as F—!!! 🤬I can’t find my (insert super important thing that you’ve told her over and over and over again to put away, take care of, etc.) and I’m going to beat the S— out of (insert sibling’s name here) because I’ll bet, she took it – the little B—-!!!”
😮Insert additional deep breaths here for yourself.
Your first inclination may be to correct her language, then correct the name calling and the accusations. But, as you know, doing that in the middle of a tirade will get you more tirade.
So, you say this instead, “Oh no, I know how much that (whatever) means to you. I imagine you are angry.” Then be quiet.🤐
Most teens are going to take what you said and let it wash over them and sink in (while maybe still slamming a door or two or using some choice words.) They’re going to think, “mom/dad didn’t say anything about my cursing or calling my sister a B – they get it.” Maybe not in so many words but your statement will hit them that way.
When they feel understood, they start to calm down and their rational brain can catch up. Maybe they can now stop and realize they shouldn’t blame someone else for not taking care of the thing better. They’ll surely recall that you’ve told them over and over not to leave it lying around.
At this point they may even say something like, “I should have put it up, but I think I left it by the bed and now I can’t find it – I don’t really think she took it but I can’t find it anywhere!”
😫She knows she’s messed up. She’s angry with herself. But instead of making her feel worse for losing it by rubbing in a little “I told you so” and “by the way don’t slam and don’t talk that way”…you’ve shown her empathy and understanding and support and allowed her prefrontal cortex to actually catch up and help her come back to her senses.
If she’s like many teenagers, she will later apologize for acting the way she did and for using that language. And if she doesn’t and it’s something you feel needs a discussion, then make it quick and painless.
That’s it for today (and I know – that wasn’t a “quick” tip was it?!) Let me know if you need anything at all. I’m here to help you!