From Parent Camp Newsletter 2-14-24
Any time you need to talk to your teen (or other kids) and express how you feel about something, you need to remember to I statements. I mention this briefly in The Field Guide when talking about rules and negotiation (Section 4).👁️
The point is, when you’re telling your teen your concerns about a rule or behavior or something they want to do, etc., you don’t want the focus to be on them. If you put the focus on them, it threatens their autonomy and will cause conflict. 🫵Remember these are your concerns so you always start with “I.”
Let me give you a couple of examples:
“I’m concerned about you and Alex going to the concert alone because there have been a rash of crimes in that area in the past 6 months. I just worry that you could be hurt by someone like those girls a few weeks ago or the man a couple of months ago.”
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- By stating your concerns this way, you’ve taken the heat off your kid (so they don’t feel it’s about them not being old enough, experienced enough or mature enough, etc.) and put everything on these outside forces – the people committing the crimes, who could potentially harm them.
“I just don’t feel it’s safe to go running alone at night in the park. There aren’t enough lights out there and very few people ever go out there at night. So, I’m afraid of what could happen if you got hurt or had any trouble – you may not have anyone else around to go to for help in a real emergency.”
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- Again, you’ve taken all your concerns and put them at the feet of these potential bad actors who may do him/her harm and the other potential good Samaritans who may not be around to help. In that sense, your concerns have more to do with them than it has to do with your teen.
Now, if this is about something they’ve already done (maybe you’ve discussed the issue in the past), you could say it like this:
“I get really annoyed when I find glasses sitting on the coffee table without a coaster because it makes a ring on the wood that will not come out without a lot of work.”
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- You’re telling them they’re not supposed to put their glass on the coffee table without a coaster without saying, “You know you’re not supposed to put your glass on the table without a coaster.”
🙅♀️And you’re telling them you’re annoyed without telling them it’s their fault that you’re annoyed. Because it’s not their fault you’re annoyed.
Always remember – you are responsible for your own emotions based on things going on in your environment. No one else makes you feel annoyed. People are annoying when we allow ourselves to be annoyed by their behavior.👊
In point of fact, there are people in my family who would not be annoyed by a glass on a wooden table without a coaster, because they do it all the time!
The behavior is not annoying – the person is annoyed by the behavior.🙌`