Hello friend - I usually get the podcast written, recorded and ready to go to my editor (otherwise known as Steve, my husband) by Fridays each week. However, this past week, we took a little road trip to visit my stepdaughter and her boyfriend in the Virginia mountains. An absolutely beautiful area – but rural with a capital R. No internet access to speak of, no cell service, no real way to get a podcast episode done (like I thought I might do).

So, today’s episode is brief because I’m recording on Monday, but it’s what came up for me as I experienced this weekend. It may be a bit of a personal ramble fest but hang in there because, as usual, I have something to say that relates to parenting teens, and you just might get something out of it.

PODCAST INTRO

My stepdaughter and her brother are very similar in intellect and temperament but could not be more different in lifestyle. I think there are some really good lessons to be learned from this.

I’m just going to refer to them by their middle names (lest they call me out for talking about them in the podcast) – Alice and Hunter.

Their dad (my husband), Steve, and I met a few months after his divorce and a few weeks after mine. It was the weekend after I’d graduated from law school and had already decided to move to San Francisco – was registered to take the California bar exam and was talking to potential roommates.

I’d grown weary of Alabama and was ready to start a new life on my own.

Best laid plans and all that.

I met him and ditched those California plans immediately. Little did I know until the end of our first date that he had an ex-wife and 2 kids. By then, it was too late – I was all in.

Steve’s just a tiny bit older than me but married and had kids fairly young so Alice and Hunter were 7 and 9 when we started dating (and 9 months later when we married).

My experience with kids was extremely limited - I had babysat at the most, 3 times when I was a teenager – and didn’t like it that much. I had no clue how to interact with children or what was expected of me. I did know enough not to insert myself into matters between he and his ex-wife and tried to make myself as invisible as possible when I had no choice but to be involved in visitation.

And I didn’t realize this for at least a year or two – my step kids were damn near perfect as far as kids go. They got along well, rarely argued or fought with one another, weren’t demanding, whiny, or even all that rambunctious. They were sweet, respectful, kind to each other, and extremely intelligent. They were both voracious readers and would rather be reading than doing a million other things (which honestly kind of worried me a little bit) but it worked out well.

They both ended up in their local magnet school for gifted kids and both quite nearly aced the SATs, and both received academic scholarships to college.

That’s where their differences I think really started showing. Hunter majored in chemical engineering, opting for a more traditionally financially successful trajectory and Alice chose social work and anthropology – ending up with a master’s in social work.

Hunter immediately got a high-paying engineer job right out of college. Alice began her career helping immigrants from African countries acclimate to their new home.

Hunter fell in love and married a girl that graduated near or at the top of her class in law school. They live in a really nice home in an upper middle-class neighborhood, have a young son who attends a private school, and travel any chance they get.

Alice fell in love with a brilliant fellow as well. He has a master’s degree in botany and speaks fluent Arabic. Alice and he do not intend on marrying but have committed to each other for life, they do not want to have children, they live in a tiny turn of the 20^th century farmhouse, in the mountains of Virginia right next to the Shenandoah National forest, where they both work.

And this is the point I want to make: Both of my step kids are happy and successful. Having a happy and successful life means different things to different people and we need to understand that we can’t define that for our kids.

As parents we often worry about the financial side of success for our kids.

We worry about their grades because…why? Because we want them to get into a good college, right? We want them to get into a good college so they can get a “good” job. That “good” job is defined by the amount of money they’re able to earn, the things they’re able to buy (they need a house, a car…stuff).

But as I’ve said before on this podcast, we’re concerned about the wrong things. We’re imposing our idea (or society’s idea) of success on our kids.

We need to leave it to them to determine what their idea of a successful life is. Some people define success as having a job they love that also pays well. Others may feel the job they love outweighs the pay they receive or vice versa – they put up with a job they hate because they like having the money. All of that is fine as long as it suits the person ---they’re happy with their life.

But how many people do we know who, despite what looks like a fabulous life on the outside, are not truly happy, have mental health issues, get divorces, and on and one?

Knowing what will make you happy in life is hard for some to figure out because of the messages we receive from society. Go to college, get a good job, buy a house, have some kids, then worry about their future.

What if, instead of insisting on society’s definition of a successful life, we allow our kids the space to make that decision for themselves?

What if we simply make sure they’re exposed to all the options, allow them to see people living the way they choose to live, as successful in their own right?

Who are we to say the person who lives paycheck to paycheck and doesn’t own their home, is any less successful in life as the person who’s monthly paycheck is more than they make in a year.

There are just so many other factors to consider than the money one makes – life satisfaction and happiness being at the top of the list. What are their relationships like, how fulfilled are they, how’s their mental health?

If it were true that a good job or money is all it takes to have a successful life, we’d never see substance use disorders, divorces, mental health issues, suicides, or murders among the wealthy. Life would be perfect.

Instead, we see these issues in all walks of life. Yes, it’s easier if you can at least pay your bills. But you certainly don’t have to have a lot more than just that. And you certainly don’t have to live a traditional life.

What if, instead of teaching our kids that living a successful life means doing the basic, college, job, marriage, house, kids thing…we showed them examples of people doing what they love and living life on their own terms?

What if we talked to them about their values and what they’re drawn to and what their dream life would look like…and then helped them figure out how to achieve it?

What if we instilled in our kids the idea that they get to decide what they do with their life and that it absolutely doesn’t have to be what other people expect of them (even us).

What would they do with their life if they had the absolute freedom to not worry about pleasing us or fitting into a certain mold? How much more might they allow themselves to be if we were to remove those boundaries for them? What if we helped them realize that all that mattered to us was that they felt happy and successful in their own right? That they would never disappoint us for being who they want to be.

If you had parents who pushed you in a certain direction—maybe even a certain occupation—you know how that felt. Imagine instead they’d guided you to follow your own inner compass, to do what you felt drawn to do, to live your life as honestly as possible.

More and more I believe most of the mistakes we make as parents—the ones we later regret—are those driven by our fear for our kids. We want them to be happy and feel successful and fulfilled in their lives—but we too often equate this with financial success.

This past weekend, I got to see just how happy, fulfilled and successful life can be without any of the things I’ve deemed necessary. I’m not beating up on traditional successful living – I’m just saying there are many paths in life and we’re not the best judge of what that path should be for our kids—they are.

My stepdaughter, Alice, could not care less about decorating, a chair is merely something to rest your butt on as far as she’s concerned (hers are all decades old, hand-me-downs), their old farmhouse is a real farmhouse, with kitchen cabinets that saw their better days 50 years ago and ceilings that were made for people who reached their peak at about 5 foot 7.

I’m going to describe their jobs all wrong, but I’ll get close - she’s an EMT for the National Park Service – she rescues people in the park, and her partner is botanist with the Park Service, he helps manage things like controlled burns and whatever you do about the land (I’m so clueless).

They don’t make a ton of money. They don’t have what by most people’s standards would even be considered a “nice” house. But they absolutely love their life. They have sheep, who had 4 little lambs right before we got there, they harvest the wool, they have it made into yarn to make caps and blankets from. They also eat them – we had lamb chops over the weekend – they kill it, dress it, and cook it – everything- themselves.

They have honey bees and harvest their honey –we got to see that this weekend. They have chickens and tons of eggs they don’t pay $9 a dozen for. They paid to have a well dug so they don’t pay for water. They grow their own vegetables, make their own mustard for God’s sake.

They don’t own a television. They can stream movies on limited wifi- but rarely do. They go to bed early and get up early – they work hard, and they love their work.

Their house feels like home. It’s warm and comfy and filled with books and handmade items, farm boots and tools on the porch and it’s just fabulous.

Is it the life I’d want? No. I love decorating. I love my stuff. And I love Netflix too much. But do I appreciate how much they love it? Absolutely. Did I enjoy the quiet? Not at first, but it grew on me. The stars were bright, the animals were amazing, the food was incredible and seeing Alice and her boyfriend so happy made me happy. What else could we possibly want for our kids?

Alright, that’s all for Speaking of Teens today.

If you stuck with me to the end, thank you so much. Please come back next week and share the podcast with your parent friends if you would. You’re welcome to come join us in the Speaking of Teens Facebook group if you need support with your teen – the link is at the bottom of the episode description where you’re listening.

Until next time, remember to connect with your teen in some small way, each and every day.