I recently had a coaching call with a mom who’s beyond the end of her rope with her teenager. She tells me her child is aggressive, says really mean and nasty things to her, is very emotionally dysregulated, engages in risky behaviors, is manipulative, and entitled.

She also told me she is has absolutely no empathy for them, has already changed her behavior as much as she possibly can, has read all the books and listened to all the experts and is dubious that anything could possibly change the current situation between them or improve her kid’s behavior.

I love a good challenge.

Stay with me for a few minutes and let me talk to you about the mind games we play with ourselves as parents, the “don’t blame me” mentality, and the hard cold facts about the role we play in our teens’ behavior.

PODCAST INTRO

As I tried to gently explain to this exhausted mom that our behavior impacts our teens more than we realize, she cut me off and said, “here we go, blame the parents”.

I get it. Your kid’s acting like a total shit and when you hear someone say, “well, we have to change our behavior to change their behavior” it feels like victim-blaming.

They’re treating you horribly, doing the opposite of everything you say, yelling, sending nasty texts, throwing fits, getting in trouble, and demanding expensive shoes on top of it all.

You’ve done your best to be a loving and patient parent all these years and this is what you get—it can feel like being beaten up on a daily basis. How could any of this be your fault?

Here’s what I want you to understand: no one is saying it’s your fault or that you’re a bad parent. This isn’t about blame or shame or pointing the finger.

It’s about understanding how the parent-child relationship works; specifically, how adolescents work; how they think, feel, and behave…based in large part on how we (their parents) think, feel, and behave.

It’s also about accepting responsibility as a parent. No, we didn’t anticipate the teen years would be exactly what they are, but we signed up for this, we signed on the dotted line, and there’s no going back. So, we have to accept the responsibility that is ours and ours alone: our own behavior.

Listen, human emotions and behavior don’t happen in a vacuum—we feed off each other, learn from each other, respond and react to each other—it’s simply part of being human.

And when you’re a human parent of an adolescent, you must accept certain facts about their thoughts, emotions and behavior.

A, they’re not like your thoughts, emotions, and behavior. Of course, I talk about this all the time, and you can go back to episodes 130, 131, and 132 for more on the adolescent brain or download my free parenting guide, The Challenging Adolescent Brain through the link in the episode description.

Adolescents do not think like adults. They have a very distinct way of thinking about, feeling, and interacting with their environment, their peers and you. They have big emotions about a lot of things and very little control over them.

You cannot compare the way they think, feel, and behave to the way a rational adult thinks, feels and behaves. It’s like comparing cantaloupes to cherries.

They are doing the best they can with the brain they have. Period. They can only do what they do. It’s our job to help them fill the gap they have right now with that brain. We have to share our adult brain with them. Guide them and teach them and show them the way, through our behavior.

But when we don’t understand our teen, when we are offended, angered, infuriated by them, we think they could do better if they just wanted to, we react to them by feeding into their negative behavior with our own. We put fuel on their fire.

B, something else you have to accept about their thoughts, emotions and behavior—a developmental disorder, a mental health disorder, or a substance use disorder (or God-forbid, the combination off all 3) amplifies all the negatives about parenting an adolescent at least 10-fold.

But none of these things is their fault. They didn’t ask to have a developmental or mental health disorder. They didn’t do anything to cause it. And these issues are almost always the underlying cause of a substance use issue—so, again, not their fault.

Their behavior is at the mercy of their brain.

And no, none of this is an excuse for their behavior but it is an explanation—and a damn good one.

And one that should allow you to look past their outward behavior, not take it personally, regulate your emotions about it, and address it with the rational adult brain that you have.

So, C, the third thing I want you to accept about your teens’ thoughts, emotions and behavior is that modifying how you respond to them, you can have an enormous positive impact.

“But that’s not fair, why is it all up to me, to change my behavior?”

To that I say, “life’s not fair”—you get what you get, and you do the best with it. And in this case, you’ve got an adolescent—another human—to finish raising and the only thing you can control at this point is your behavior (and your thoughts and emotions that impact that behavior).

You cannot control your teen. You cannot make them think differently, feel differently, or act differently. But you can influence their thoughts, feelings and behavior through your own.

Now, listen, I get it. It’s hard to flip how you think about your teenager’s behavior. It’s hard to respond calmly when you’re angry. It’s hard not to be angry when they’ve done something for the 99^th time that you’ve asked them not to do. It’s hard to refrain from certain behaviors that may impact them negatively. Again, no one said parenting was going to be easy.

But we have to deal with the facts. And it’s unequivocal, scientific fact that the way you talk to your teen, the way you act in front of them, the way you respond when they do something wrong, the things you do when they’re not even around, the attitude you have about their messy room, how you feel about their boyfriend or girlfriend, the way you use your phone, they way you talk to your spouse, or the waiter or the cashier, the television shows you watch, the substances you use…ALL of this impacts your teen’s thoughts, emotions, and behavior.

No, you’re not to blame, it’s not your fault, no one is declaring you guilty of any wrongdoing. You cannot help that no one teaches you how to be a parent other than your own parents. So, we’re not playing the blame game.

Yet, you are responsible for your teen’s behavior because of your relationship with them as their parent.

Accepting this responsibility means acknowledging your role in the situation and taking action—learning new things and making changes now that you understand what you need to do. We’re talking about growing as people, as parents, being willing to accept maybe we haven’t done things in the past the way we should have, because we didn’t know any better, then correct course. Be the adult. Take ownership over the situation. Keep an open mind.

If, once you know what to do, you choose to ignore your responsibility then, sure, I think maybe some blame might be appropriate.

I know all to well how we can get to the point of simply pointing the finger at our kid (or maybe even the other parent). All I wanted about 7 years ago was for someone to “fix” my son. How could his outrageous behavior, his depression, his drug use have anything to do with me? He’s the one doing it—I’m not making him do it.

Well, let me give you a few examples that indicate just how much our behavior can impact our teens.

One study published in the Journal of Child and Family Studies found that teens who think their parents use marijuana are more likely to have a positive attitude about using it themselves. The lead researcher said, "Parents need to recognize that their use matters. If teens perceive their parents use cannabis, whether they actually do or not, it can send the message that the behavior is also acceptable for them, especially without explicit conversations that set boundaries for the teen."

A study published in the Journal of Nutrition Education and Behavior suggests that parents continue to influence their child's eating behavior on into adolescence. Specifically the researchers found that using food as a reward and monitoring a teen’s food intake increased emotional eating in the adolescents.

I mentioned in episode 192 that studies have shown that adolescents who are teased by parents about their weight or appearance are more likely to develop disordered eating patterns.

Another study that examined over a dozen articles on the subject, found evidence of an association between parents habitually allowing their electronic devices to interfere or disrupt their time with their teen and their teen’s mental health and violent behaviors (including bullying and physical fighting). The study calls this type of interference “technointerference”, which includes phubbing (ignoring someone while on your phone). The authors explained this impact with several scientific theories including attachment theory (in other words, technointerference prevents teens from securely attaching to parents.

Other studies have shown that the parent-child relationship is a critical indicator of an adolescent’s future mental health—specifically depression.

Although researchers do their best to include mothers and fathers in much of this type of research, it usually ends up focusing on mother’s due to nothing more than their involvement and availably.

For example, several studies show that a mother’s emotionally dysregulated response (yelling, arguing, that kind of thin) to a daughter’s emotional outburst or tantrum, is linked to the daughter’s later development of depression. This is likely the case because emotional dysregulation (being unable to manage one’s emotions in the moment) is linked to internalizing mental health disorders like anxiety and depression.

So, when a teen is emotionally dysregulated, they need help learning to regulate themselves rather than being met with more dysregulation. It’s been shown that if a daughter even sees her mother behave in a dysregulated manner (even when not directed at the daughter) it’s still more likely the daughter will also have difficulty managing their own emotions.

There are thousands of examples like this. There are also thousands of examples of parental behavior that are more likely to promote adolescent mental health, reduce the possibility of anxiety and depression, risky behaviors, emotional meltdowns, decrease power struggles, arguments, lying and rebellion – things that can promote a secure attachment, more connection, a stronger relationship, which research also tells us gives parents more influence in their teen’s life and improves mental health and safety.

I talk about how we do this in this podcast, in my free parenting guides, in Masterclasses and in Parent Camp. There are definitely things we can do as parents that improve the outcomes for our kids and teens.

Learn about the adolescent brain, work your empathy muscle, become more aware of your thoughts and emotions so you can stay in the present moment and remain calm with your teen. Learn how to help them become more emotionally aware and regulated rather than jumping in with both feet and making things worse.

Learn positive communication techniques, how to set aside your own agenda while you actually listen to your teen – every conversation doesn’t have to be a teachable moment. Accept your role as their guide and work with them to teach them how to be an adult. Think of any issue between you as merely a problem to solve, together. How do you do that? You listen, you express your concerns without blame, you brainstorm and try to reach an agreement on how to move forward.

But as with so many other issues in life, before we can change our behavior, we have to first admit that we need to change. And too many of us fail to even get to this point. It’s much easier (more convenient), to blame our kid, or even their developmental, mental health or substance use disorder, without ever acknowledging our role in their ultimate behavior.

And no, I’m not saying parents cause ADHD or that we necessarily cause all their mental health disorders – issues can spring up out of seemingly nowhere.

But whether you played a role in getting here or not, you do have the power to make positive changes in yourself that will help. This opens up the possibilities of moving forward in a new direction.

You can keep putting all the blame on your kid and continue to drive their bad behavior…or you can decide to change the only thing you can control-yourself.

You have the power to lower the level of chaos, decrease the animosity, improve the relationship, and ultimately improve their behavior.

Accept the responsibility. Be the adult. Do what you have to do.

You can be a big part of the problem, or you can step up and be part of the solution. You can literally ease your kid’s level of depression and anxiety. You can make things better for everyone in the home by committing to change yourself.

I know personally how hard this can be. I also know how bad it can feel when you realize your role in your teen’s behavior. It feels horrible. But you know what’s worse? Knowing it and doing nothing about it.

Even if your teen is impossible to talk to right now; even if all they do is defy you, lie to you, and get in trouble…you can start where you are and make small changes that can lead to something much bigger. You might want to check out episode 165 if this is where you are.

Otherwise, go back and start with episodes 130 through 137, download all the free parenting guides, and join the Facebook group for support – you can find those links in the episode description where you’re listening.

And then when the next Parent Camp rolls around, you may want to jump in and take the course with other parents. That link is also in the episode description.

I hope you don’t feel like I’m pointing the finger or saying your teen’s behavior is all your fault. I’m not. Teens behave a certain way because of their neurobiology – again, they can’t help that. But it’s our misinterpretation of their behavior, our emotional dysregulation, our misguided parenting philosophies…our ultimate response to their behavior, that can help improve their behavior, or make it exponentially worse. That’s what you must understand. That’s what you must try and change. It’s possible—I did it and many other parents have done it. You can do it too.

Alright, that’s all for Speaking of Teens today. I’m on the 17^th day of a head cold so I hope I didn’t sound too awfully bad. I’m beginning to get used to it.

If you stuck it through to the end, thank you so much. I’d be so grateful if you’d share this episode or the podcast with a friend who needs it. And please come back next week.

Until then, remember to connect with your teen in at least some small way, each and every day.