I’ve mentioned before that my big leap into all things adolescents in 2018, started with the suggestion from our family counselor to read one chapter in a particular book when my son was in treatment. I’ll have to admit I was a tiny bit insulted when I ran right out and bought it because it was for parents of toddlers, and I was dealing with a soon-to-be 18-year-old. But our counselor was having such a hard time explaining to me how to talk to my son, I guess he thought I needed to start with the basics. He wanted me to read Chapter 4 in the book No Drama Discipline by Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson.

Well, if you haven’t figured it out by now, let me just tell ya’, I’m not a read one chapter in a book kind a’ girl. I’m more of a “buy 6 books on one subject and read them all and make copious notes”, kind a’ girl. So, I started at the beginning.

I’m Ann Coleman and this is Speaking of Teens. I’m here every week to share science-based insight into parenting your teen or tween. My teenage son went through a couple of really difficult years. I not only didn’t know how to help, but I was also inadvertently making things worse. When we finally got on the right track, I decided to learn everything I could about the science of parenting adolescents so I could help you avoid common parenting mistakes.

One of the very first things that really jumped out and grabbed me in this book was a section in the introduction titled, Reclaiming the Word, Discipline. Like a lot of people, I’ve always thought of discipline as more synonymous with obedience, teaching kids how to be obedient to “mind” – to do what we say, which is often associated with punishment. But as I read, I discovered that the word discipline has throughout history actually been used in terms of teaching or learning and instructing – that’s the goal of discipline – to teach our kids. The question then becomes, how do we teach?

So, listen up because today, I want to talk to you about reframing the meaning of discipline, the difference between consequences and punishment, the role consequences can play in discipline…and I’ll answer some common questions about consequences, and how to use them effectively with teens and tweens.

We’ve talked sort of “around” this topic when we discussed parenting styles in episode 1 and others. We’ve discussed that it’s been scientifically shown over an over again that kids raised by parents using a more authoritative or “kind but firm” style of parenting have better outcomes all around – academically, socially, mentally. I’ve explained that an authoritative style of parenting, rolled together with emotion coaching is the basis for all the parenting methodologies you hear about today – positive parenting, gentle parenting, respectful parenting, calm parenting, and on and on. The different terminology is just marketing. It boils down to “Kind but firm”: setting high expectations and clear and consistent limits and boundaries, in a respectful and loving way, being empathetic, listening to them, acknowledging their feelings, and connecting emotionally before correcting their behavior –that’s discipline – that’s teaching –  discipline is how we teach and guide our kids and teens to be good people – to grow into happy, healthy adults.

Those scientific studies have also shown that parenting kids too permissively, neglectfully or with an authoritarian style is detrimental all the way around. Poor mental health, low self-esteem, aggression, the list is endless. If you’ll recall, the authoritarian style of parenting is focused on control by the parent and blind obedience from the child. And parents who fall into the trap of fear-based parenting also become overfocused on control.

All of us, no matter the amount of control we’ve used in our parenting up until they hit puberty - somewhere between age 9 and 12 – we have to move into that new role of consultant, as we discussed in episode 15. They are no longer going to respond well to control – and this is when life becomes really miserable, and the arguments and power struggles can take over if we don’t learn to adapt to our new role.

Discipline is not meant to be adversarial. It’s not about obedience. It’s not about retribution. It’s not about control. It’s about teaching kids skills for life while maintaining our emotional connection.

One essential part of this is the emotion coaching we talked about in episode 6 – our ability to empathize, listen and reflect, acknowledge their feelings, help them with emotion words, and help them learn to problem solve – these elements are central and need to be in the forefront of our mind during every interaction we have with our teen. It’s the central theme of discipline.

And with that as the central theme, we still have the question, “but how do we teach them these skills when they keep breaking rules, doing things they shouldn’t be doing?”

Let’s Talk About “Consequences”. Consequence literally means the “result or effect of an action”. And consequences do teach a lesson, if they occur naturally or logically as a result of the mistake our teen makes.

A natural consequence is really something that does happen naturally or automatically in response to some action or inaction taken by someone – in this case our teen or tween. We don’t have to enforce anything – we don’t make anything happen – it’s quite literally the consequence of their action. And allowing natural consequences is a great way for our kids to learn from their mistakes AND it prevents arguments and power struggles between us.

For example, let’s say your 12-year-old doesn’t get their homework done tonight because they’re too busy playing video games. The teacher gives them a zero tomorrow. That zero is the natural consequence of not doing their homework. If they don’t do homework all semester, even though they study and do well on the tests, those zeros may add up and give them a C in the class. The C is the consequence of not turning in all that homework.

Another example: Your 15-year-old doesn’t study for the driver’s permit exam and fails it and has to wait 2 more weeks before it’s offered again. That failure and 2-week wait is the natural consequence of not studying for the exam.

Sometimes the best lessons learned come from these kinds of mistakes and the natural consequences that follow. And we don’t have to be the bad guy - the enforcer – there are no arguments or power struggles here because it’s not us – we didn’t do anything.

Now, if  you throw more consequences on top of these natural consequences, that’s punishment. There is no need for additional consequences – if you do that, you’re just throwing your control and additional suffering for them on top of the situation because you want to “prove a point” or out of anger – but you’re just building resentment.

When is it not okay to allow these natural consequences? When is it better to step in before they occur – to guide your teen or work with them on some rules that might prevent the mistake and prevent the natural consequences from happening? Remember our mantra about rule setting from episode 16? We said (actually Lawrence Steinberg says) that if it’s not dangerous, unhealthy, illegal, unethical, or likely to close some doors that are better left open, we should give them the personal freedom to decide on their own. Well, the same is true about stepping in, rule or not, to provide more guidance in a situation that falls into any of these categories. We wouldn’t sit by and watch and let them discover the natural consequence of driving recklessly or cheating on a test.

And that last category (likely to close some doors that are better left open) that one’s a bit tricky. For instance, in the not turning in homework example. You might feel that allowing your 10^th grader to not turn in homework and possibly lower their semester grade in a particular class could prevent them from getting into the college of their choice. So, the decision you have to make is how important is one grade or even that particular college to them in the long term and guide them more intentionally – you might need to have a discussion about a rule for getting homework done and agree on a “logical” consequence – we’ll discuss that next.

But if the natural consequences are outside of those special categories and are only extremely uncomfortable for them or embarrassing (or the same for us) then we should let them learn from the natural consequences of their mistake.

I honestly think this is one of the hardest things to do as a parent. It’s truly difficult to watch our kids mess up. But so healthy for them and so good for our relationship with them. We can be there to discuss their decisions, guide them, and offer advice when asked. This is supporting their autonomy and providing discipline. But for many of us, it just doesn’t feel right to sit by and watch them make any kind of mistake. Our fears might be the problem (“what if the natural consequences don’t do the trick?” What if, what if, what if? Or maybe other control issues take over (“they’re not going to mess their life up like this” or “My kid will not act this way”, or “I can’t let them think they got away with this”.

Unfortunately, we end up learning the hard way, after battles and threats and rebellion and anxiety and substance use…we cannot control them. That time has passed my friend. You’ve got to get comfortable with that somehow. So, let those natural consequences flow and let them be enough.

Now, what about logical consequences – what does that mean then? Logical consequences, is once again, something that happens because of a choice or decision our teen or tween makes, but we have to enforce it (because it’s not going to happen naturally or as a direct result of their actions or their inaction like natural consequences do). I’ve gathered the ground rules regarding logical consequences from several different expert sources and I’ll link to those books in the show notes as always:

First, these consequences should be agreed upon up with them up front as the fallout of them breaking a specific rule (the rules we’ve also set with them that fall into one of those specific categories – dangerous, unhealthy, etc.). Remember, we discussed in episode 16 how we negotiate these rules and consequences with them – how this supports their autonomy, and they are more likely to willingly comply with them both if they’ve been involved in these decisions.

Next, you want to make sure the consequence is sufficiently related to the specific behavior or rule they’ve broken – that’s why they’re called “logical”. And it’s meant to teach them a certain skill they lack, remember? The goal is to teach, not punish. So, taking away their phone for every infraction, is not an option. So, for each rule and consequence you discuss and determine up front, this should be one of your goals – it needs to be related to the behavior. I think this is a biggie – I always went straight for the phone – but taking away their phone for treating their sibling badly does nothing to help with that sibling relationship.

 

The consequence should also be reasonably proportioned to the behavior – the mistake they make or the rule they’ve broken. In other words, it should be reasonable in scope compared to what they’ve done. I hate to make this comparison because we’re not talking about punishment here, but you can liken it to making sure the penalty fits the crime. Someone who walked out of WalMart with a package of steaks under their coat doesn’t receive the same penalty as someone who committed armed robbery at a jewelry store and got away with $100,000 worth of goods. So, while you can agree to the general consequence up front, the scope of it may need to be determined on a case-by-case basis. In which case, you need to always make sure those decisions are not made a) solely by you, or b) in anger or c) in the middle of your child’s emotional storm.

Supporting their autonomy will mean sitting down and discussing the issue with them and getting their input on the scope of the consequence. If you’ve agreed up front the penalty for missing curfew is being grounded, is the length of time for the grounding the same if they’re late by 30 minutes as it is if they’re late by 2 hours?

Of course, there will be times when there have been no consequences chosen in advance because you never anticipated the particular big crazy random thing they’ve done. In those cases, you need to remember several things we’ve discussed in previous podcasts – episodes 6, 8, 15 and 16. We’re talking about making sure that you provide connection before correction, in other words you never issue consequences on the fly, in anger. You stay calm or remove yourself to calm down and return later to discuss the situation. You want to respond intentionally and if you issue consequences in the heat of the moment, without listening to them, empathizing, working through their emotions, you’re not providing that secure base for them, you’re not supporting their autonomy, you’re moving into dangerous territory for your relationship and their future behavior.

You need to always keep these issues top of mind. It’s much too easy to issue some wild consequence that’s way out of scope, not at all related to the behavior and in the end, not even enforceable. It’s much too important to be able to enforce the consequence to hastily throw something out there like “you can’t drive the car for 6 months.” We do something like that and we’re actually punishing ourselves if we try to follow through and if we can’t (and trust me, we can’t) we’ve shown our kids our lack of commitment and they’ll take that loop hole and exploit it.

Speaking of follow through, a related concept is consistency. If your teen breaks a rule one day and you let it slide but next week, he breaks the same rule and you enforce the logical consequence, you are confusing your kid about the importance of this behavior. Do you care or not care about keeping the cell phone in the bedroom after 10:00 pm? Being inconsistent can be almost as bad as having no rules at all. So, be sure to only set rules in your family that actually mean something to you and that you can (or want) to consistently enforce. In other words, don’t just set rules about things because you think you should or because other families have those rules. You will not have your heart in the enforcement, and it will be way too confusing for your kids to have them enforced here and there or half-heartedly. So, if you don’t think it’s that important that your teenager returns all your texts within 5 minutes, then don’t set that rule. If you can’t do without your cell phone at the dinner table, then don’t set a rule of no cell phones at the dinner table. If you don’t care if they have a snack before dinner, then don’t set a rule about not eating snacks before dinner!

Another guideline about logical consequences is to never make them cumulative. In other words, don’t keep piling them on! If they get a one-week grounding for something today, don’t make it two weeks because they do something else wrong tomorrow. Try to sit and discuss what’s happened and come up with something else. When they see something as unreasonable or undoable or so out of their control, they’re going to give up on being able to do what you want. They’ll just say screw it – I’ll never please them, so I’m just going to do what I want. And that’s not what you want.

The great thing about logical consequences is that, if done correctly, you still don’t really take the heat for the consequence. They helped choose it along with the rule and they broke the rule, so they get the consequence. They have all the control. All you have to do is make sure the consequence is enforced consistently and reasonably. This preserves the relationship with your child and serves the purpose of teaching them the skills they lack. This is the best way to help them learn to make better decisions.

If your consequences fall outside of any of these guidelines, it’s a lot easier for it to start looking like a punishment. Let’s talk about punishment and how it’s really different from logical consequences.

You could say that punishment is also about teaching but teaching by using fear. Fear of what will happen when they mess up. It’s teaching them who’s in control, who’s the boss (YOU!)

Punishment is not related to the behavior you’re trying to change, it’s not discussed with your teen or agreed upon in advance, it’s not reasonable in scope, or consistent. You’re not supporting their autonomy, listening to them at all. No empathy involved. No paying attention to their emotions. And most often it’s doled out in anger, frustration, as a knee-jerk reaction with no intention and no possibility whatsoever to really teach your teen the skills they lack.

For example, your daughter comes in from school and tells you she got a speeding ticket on the way home. You immediately hold your hand out and take her phone away telling her she’s lost it for 2 weeks. And of course, the battle begins. Taking away her phone for getting a speeding ticket is punishment. Because taking her phone away is not related to the behavior – it’s not going to teach her anything about driving safer or obeying the law. It’s not teaching her the skills she needs to not mess up next time and it’s certainly not creating any inner motivation to modify her behavior. By the time your kid starts driving you should already have discussed speeding tickets, how many people they’re allowed to have in the car, any issue surrounding driving, and should have rules and the consequences for breaking the rules determined with them. What would be the most logical consequence for a speeding ticket? Paying the ticket out of their money, with maybe a limit on driving or where they can drive for a few days if there’s a second offense. Again, these things must feel right to both you and your kid, something that makes sense, really is logical and teaches them to do better next time.

Punishment is going to automatically create resentment between you and your teen or tween. It’s going to feel unfair to them, they’re going to feel disrespected and treated like a child. It’s not going to instill in them any respect for you – fear possibly - but certainly not true respect. More than likely, they’ll continue the behavior but just be sneakier about it – make sure they don’t get caught. You won’t know it but your relationship will still be fractured.

Does everything need a consequence? We seem to have trained ourselves to believe that every single one of our teen’s infractions should be met with some sort of consequence, but that’s simply not true. There are other ways to teach besides issuing consequences. Remember the point of consequences is to teach them some skill they’re lacking. That’s the reason they made the mistake, screwed up or misbehaved. Their lack of emotional awareness and emotional regulation plays a role in likely every single misbehavior you’ll encounter with your teen or tween. Emotional meltdowns, risky behavior, and the inability to control it all are simply part of their neurobiology. So, remember when our teen is experiencing overwhelming negative emotions or has done something that you never expected them to do, it’s because of their weak prefrontal cortex and the inability to control their revved-up amygdala and reward system.

Go back and review episodes 3 and 4 and again in episode 6 when we discussed their emotions and how we can coach them through these situations and how, when they’ve made a mistake, we have to use these fundamentals to discuss it with them. But it’s simply not necessary to have a consequence for every single misstep your teen makes. Natural consequences will occur often, so think about it and make sure you don’t overlook them. And remember, no piling on.

If there are no natural consequences and you’ve not discussed this particular issue or consequences for it, and frankly, you don’t think it’s a huge deal as long as it doesn’t happen again, then just have a simple discussion with them. Use those emotion coaching skills: empathize, find out what happened, how they feel about it, ask questions, listen to what they have to say, acknowledge their emotions, and when they are calm, without using shame, and without going on and on, clearly tell them what you feel they did wrong and why it was wrong, make suggestions for next time and tell them you expect it not to happen again. And ask them what they think should happen if do make the mistake again. What should the consequence be? Now, you have a new rule, the consequence, everyone’s agreed, and hopefully it won’t happen again.

There are plenty of kids where this would work perfectly. Then there are others where it just may not. So, the next time it happens, you stick to the consequence for breaking the previously agreed-upon rule.

There are a couple of questions that seem to come up really often regarding consequences. The first one is “my son has done XYZ, what should the consequence be?” I think much of the reason we ask ourselves this question is because of our own insecurity. We worry that the consequence won’t be enough or will be too much. Well, when you finish listening today, if you didn’t do so after episode 16, I want you to sit down with your teen and revisit your rules and the consequences for breaking them. Discuss them the way I walked you through it in that episode and as long as everyone is in agreement, the consequence is related to the behavior, it’s reasonable in scope and meets the other criteria we just discussed a few minutes ago - go with it.

If they make a mistake or do something you’ve never discussed before and you feel you have to issue a consequence, then again, don’t do it in anger, remember to use emotion coaching and connect before you correct. Later, you go back and talk to them about what happened, why it was wrong and ask them what they think the consequence should be. You might be amazed. Often teens will suggest something worse than what you would have. But even so, still make sure it’s reasonable and fits all the criteria for a logical consequence. Once you’ve settled on something then follow through and enforce it and let them know if it happens again, that consequence still stands.

Another thing I hear often is, “I’ve taken away everything and they’re still doing the same stuff – it’s not phasing them”. At this point a parent has backed themselves into a corner. It’s unlikely the consequences were logical (probably were not agreed up in advance etc.), they were likely imposed in anger or frustration, they could have been unreasonable in scope, unrelated to the behavior and it sounds like they’re cumulative.

We’re talking about punishment here. And punishment doesn’t teach skills, it teaches fear, resentment, and rebellion and that’s what’s going on. If you’ve gotten to this point, it’s time to wipe the slate clean with your teenager, admit that you’ve been going about things the wrong way, and ask for forgiveness. Then start learning and practicing some new parenting skills. Learn to let go of some of the control, to be less reactive and more intentional. To be kind but firm and to use emotion coaching as the backbone of your discipline. Reframe discipline as a way to teach and connect with your teen rather than to demand obedience. It's quite possible. My son gave me a do-over when he was nearly 18 years old. You can make the necessary changes and turn things around.

So, here’s what I hope you take away from today’s episode:

Discipline is about teaching skills our kids lack. It’s about setting high expectations, and clear and consistent limits and boundaries, in a respectful and loving way, being empathetic, listening to them, acknowledging their feelings, and connecting emotionally before correcting their behavior.

Discipline is not about control or obedience or punishment. It’s not adversarial. You can discipline and maintain a strong emotional connection with your teen. And when they break the rules or make a mistake, you allow natural consequences and if there are none, you impose logical consequences. And those logical consequences should follow certain guidelines.

They Should be Agreed upon with your teen in advance of imposing them. They should be Sufficiently related to the behavior so that it teaches them the skill they’re lacking (not to punish them for their mistake). They should be reasonable in scope to the behavior. Never issue consequences in anger on the spur of the moment. You must be able to follow through on the consequence, enforce them with consistency and never make them cumulative.

Go outside of these guidelines and your consequences start looking and feeling a whole lot like punishment and control, and that’s when you get power struggles, resentment, disconnection, and rebellion.

Remember also, that everything is not about consequences. Discipline is about teaching and if you can teach another way, then do it. Take how their brain works into consideration and always do what you think is best for your child, in that moment, with their temperament and personality under the particular circumstances.

And finally, know that if you don’t feel like you’ve been handling discipline the right way, your kids love you and they will accept your apology and allow you to learn new skills just like you forgive them and allow them to learn new skills.

So, roll up your sleeves and go all in!

 

Speaking of Teens is the official podcast of neurogility.com, an organization I started to educate moms and adolescents about emotional intelligence.

Go to neurogility.com/herewego to find all our free parenting guides and e-books.

To learn more about emotion coaching, grab the guide called “10 Keys to Unlock Your Teen’s Emotional Intelligence”

All the guides are designed to help you learn more about your teen and how to parent them in a way that increases their emotional well-being and keeps them safe.

Go to neurogility.com/22 for the show notes for today’s episode including a word for word transcript.

Thank you for listening – be sure to follow where you’re listening today so you’ll have new episodes sitting right there waiting for you every Tuesday.

As always, please be sure and share the episode with someone who’d appreciate it and

If you’d like to get in touch, please email me at acoleman@neurogility.com. I love feedback

Take care and I’ll see you back here again next week!