I hear parents of teens and tweens complain all the time about their teens not sharing their life with them--not talking to them about their friendships, their big questions, their mistakes, asking for advice.

As a matter of fact, many teens actively avoid situations that would force them to talk to us just a little bit.

I mean we can joke about it, but it does hurt, right? You’re probably like me and thought the teen years would bring you closer to your kid.

And it’s no wonder we thought that. We grew up watching (and imagining our future selves living in) those formulaic network television shows, where the teens would do something wrong, feel guilty, then confess it to the mom or dad, who would have this brief but philosophical conversation with them while sitting on their bed, about the natural consequences they’d let them suffer, and they’d hug each other in the end.

I don’t know about you, but there weren’t a whole lot of moments like that at my house during the teen years.

Do you know why your teen isn’t sharing, confessing, or asking for your advice about life’s most important issues? Hang with me for a few minutes and I’ll tell you and I’ll tell you how you can possibly get them to open up more.

PODCAST INTRO

First of all, let me just make it clear that the adolescent individuation process, their self-consciousness, need for acceptance from peers plus their need for autonomy, makes it really difficult for most of them to share much of anything with us. None of this has anything to do with you.

What I mean is, they’re at a point in their life where they’re trying to fit in, embarrassed about everything even when no one is arou8nd, they’re trying to figure out how they fit into the world, what they stand for and believe in and, significantly, they want to make their own decisions, live their own life, do their own thing, have more control over things…without interference from you or anyone else, because they feel they know enough to do that – they feel they’re ready to make adult decisions.

This need to do their own thing without interference means they place a very high value on their privacy—even privacy about things that may not even matter to you. They’re secretive about things, just because it gives them a sense of control—they don’t have much control in their lives so anything they can control, they want to.

Think about it—they’re told when to get up, when to go to bed, unless they drive and have money they have to eat what you buy, there are limits on when and how long and how they can use their phone, sometimes who they can be friends with, date, talk to, and on and on.

You’d try to control whatever you could too (and I’m sure you did, you just may not remember). Some things they just want to keep as their own. It doesn’t mean it’s something bad or something they shouldn’t have done (which we often assume). It may be completely innocuous but it’s theirs – their decision to show and tell or not. And often they choose, not.

So, try to understand that not sharing doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong or even necessarily mean that they don’t trust you with the information, it could simply mean that you already know so much and they just need to keep some of this stuff for themselves and their friends, alone.

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But there’s another reason they might not want to share some things with you—and that is about you.

It’s actually about your behavior, your emotions and your reactions under stress in general and your reaction to their behavior.

If they see you as someone who loses their shit easily, freaks out, cries at the drop of a hat, wants to rant to call people up, cause a stink, gets nervous, they’re going to think twice before they share anything with you – and will in fact, likely actively hide all sorts of information from you.

Your reactions to the world around you, not just your kid, allows them to predict your reaction to what they may really need to share with you.

Of course, if in the past you’ve gone off on them or caused a big stink (or any stink) about anything they’ve shared or anything you’ve discovered, they’re very unlikely to ever tell you anything again (and will hide any behavior they think may cause such a response.

No one wants to risk the emotional stress associated with someone else’s meltdown—that’s doubly true for your teenager.

Why would they want to risk your wrath, a lecture, yelling, punishment (or even you making a big deal about something someone else has done to them)?

Of course, maybe you wouldn’t do that—but their perception is all that matters.

So, they clam up and they hide things from you.

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Most of us tell our kids all the time, “you can tell me anything – I promise” or at least, “you can talk to me” and then wonder why they don’t talk to us.

Well, now you know.

What if they’ve been out drinking one night and know they shouldn’t be driving? You’d want them to call you instead of risking their safety. Maybe you’ve even told them they can call you.

But they’re still afraid to call. Because you’ve also talked for years about how horrible drinking is, you may have even said that if they ever come home drunk, they’ll be grounded for life, or that your aunt was an alcoholic and that you can’t stand people who drink alcohol.

So, while you’re telling them you want them to call you, you’re also telling them how pissed off you’ll be if they do.

Or let’s say you’ve issued harsh, unreasonable or illogical consequences in the past – taken away their phone for 2 weeks for making a bad grade or grounded them for a week for not getting off the X-box the first time you told them to.

Just because you tell them that they can tell you anything, or call you if they’re in trouble, or if they’ve made a bad decision—it doesn’t mean they trust you not to respond irrationally and emotionally.

Your kid knows you well. They’ve seen how you react to people around you and know how you react to them under everyday circumstances.

They’ve seen your reactions to their misbehavior or mistakes. If they’ve experienced harsh punishments or yelling or consequences that make no sense, they won’t consider it very wise to share their mistakes with you.

As a matter of fact, they’re more likely to do everything in their power to make sure you never find out certain things – possibly what they’re doing all the time behind your back. Lying and sneaking around and hiding things from you will be the norm if you don’t respond appropriately.

And the more you catch them and punish, lecture, yell, rant, or threaten, the angrier they get and the more they dig their heels in and work even harder to hide things from you. Forget them ever even considering coming to you for help or advice – they’d rather poke a needle in their eye.

 

Our behavior as parents matters. Our behavior -- our response to their behavior --means so much more than the words that come out of our mouth.

Think about it like this. Have you ever known someone who displays an entirely different persona to the outside world, but you’ve seen her at her worst. You know the real person behind the façade.

Well, your teen knows the real you. They’ve known you their whole lives—you can’t tell them one thing but show them something else.

They have to know deep down in their soul that they can trust you, that you’re that safe space they can land when something’s gone wrong – perhaps something you’ve warned them about, told them to never do.

Your ability to stay calm and communicate properly with them – to be open, ask questions, listen patiently, acknowledge their feelings and use other positive communication techniques—this is what will allow them to feel safe enough to talk to you.

If they know they can trust you to do this, they’ll likely share with you, your relationship will grow stronger, and you’ll have a lot more influence regarding their behavior (because you’ll know what’s really happening and you’ll be able to discuss it in a way that will help them listen and want to cooperate).

 

You can do this. You can become more tolerant and empathetic of their behavior by learning about adolescent brain development.

You can better understand that they are doing the best they can with the brain they have right now, that mistakes are going to happen, that they will screw up but it’s how they learn, and that they need your help to learn the skills they need to do better next time – not your wrath, your disdain, or punishment.

They need your support and understanding now—when they’re having the most difficult time – when they’re facing pressure and stress from every direction. If they don’t trust you, who will they turn to? Do they have another trusted adult? Or will they hide it all or turn their stress inward?

Learn to be more aware of your emotions, learn to manage your emotional responses to everyone around you, become a better communicator--show them you can do this – not just with them…but when the dud in the pickup cuts you off in traffic, when the cashier keeps messing up your order, when you’re on the phone with American Express, or your spouse has pissed you off.

Show them you know how to help them when they’re having a hard time dealing with their own emotions. Listen to them – don’t try to fix everything, tell them what to do or tell them to get over it. They need to feel that you understand them – that you care deeply what they think and how they feel about everything, all the time – not just when they’re behaving the way you want them to. If they can’t be themselves in front of you when they’re frustrated, hurt, furious, or emotionally destroyed, why would they think they could come to you and tell you anything about themselves – especially if you’ve scolded or punished them about that very thing before?

They need to know that you’ll listen and try to understand no matter what they’ve done, thought about doing or what’s happened to them.

They need to know that in this very vulnerable moment that they won’t get in trouble – that you won’t freak out – that you won’t go into full-on mama or papa bear mode, call everyone, march down to the school, or otherwise make a scene and embarrass them and just make things worse.

They need to have seen that you’re fair-minded, that you’re calm, reasonable and rational and have your act together. They need to know you’re willing to talk and negotiate, to be flexible, give them second chances and the benefit of the doubt, and trust their judgement as much as possible.

They need to know you value their input and their opinion and their intellect and thought processes.

Show them you don’t think of them as a child anymore – that you know they have valuable ideas and understand things they didn’t use to understand.

Again, your actions speak louder than words, my friend. You have to prove to them that they can tell you anything before they ever tell you something! And after they tell you, you have to convince them that they can tell you something in the future. This is a continuous job – making sure your teen trust you enough to confide in you.

So, what if you realize now that your teen may not be sharing with you because they don’t trust your response? What if your words and your actions haven’t really been matching up?

Well, it’s time to educate yourself, get a handle on your emotions, learn about adolescent development, about how to discipline the right way, to stay connected and decrease the conflict.

If you’re not where you want to be right now, and you’re going to try to do better – let your kid know it. Let them know that you’re learning new things, that you want to be more patient, calmer, listen more, yell less – that you don’t like the way things have been. Apologize for not knowing how to do this and tell them you’re going to start learning. But then you have to do it -they need to see you trying hard every day.

Again, the reason it’s so important that we show our teens that they can trust us and tell us things about their life is because it’s the only way we can influence their life. If we don’t know what they’re going through or what they’ve done, how can we possibly guide them?

I’ve said this many times on this show – by the time our kids are adolescents, we can’t just pick them up and move them over here or put them in the car seat and make them go with us somewhere or have so much control over what they put into their bodies or who they’re around or what they see.

Our only real influence with them lies in our relationship – our connection– how much they trust us – how secure and safe they feel with us – how loved and supported and understood they feel.

If they tell you they’ve done something wrong – they’re telling you because they feel that connection to you. They feel secure and trust that you’ll take this information and do the right thing with it. What’s the right thing? They don’t know – they hope you do.

I’ll tell you what the wrong thing is – to shoot the messenger. To punish, yell, lecture, scold or say “I told you so” or “what did you do to deserve it”…and on and on. If you do any of that, you’re influence ends right there. They’ll be sure to not tell you anything else that you really need to know.

So, instead, you stay calm, empathize with them, listen, acknowledge how they feel, hold them and assure them you’re there to support them in any decision they need to make, you ask them what they want you to do, you ask them how you can help.

If they’ve done something wrong, made a mistake, really messed up – do not punish them – do not impose consequences when they’ve trusted you with this information –instead, you can help them figure out how to avoid this situation or mistake from now on.

The fact that they’ve come to you is HUGE. Do not take that for granted – do not throw away that opportunity to solidify your connection, and your position as their confidant and primary influencer.

Learn how to parent in a way that builds this trust, that helps your teen feel secure, seen, heard, respected, and connected to you. You can do it. It’s not easy, it takes practice and guidance, but it can be done.

If you want that guidance, you can check out Parent Camp, the link is at the bottom of the episode description where you’re listening, or go to speakingofteens.net/parent-camp. I hold Parent Camp just twice a year so check out the website and get register to get into the next cohort so you can start making changes in your family now.

That’s it for Speaking of Teens today. Thank you so much for being here today – I really appreciate it - and if you got something out of this episode, please consider sharing it with a friend – help me help as many parents as possible.

Until next time, remember to connect with your teen in some small way, each and every day.