When I was growing up, my dad used to say to me, “you wouldn’t be happy with a loaf of bread under both arms”. I don’t know – I think maybe it’s a Southern thing.

But anytime I wasn’t happy about something or was irritable, this is what I heard. He was teasing me.

For most of my life I’ve considered myself hard to please and generally unpleasant to be around.

Teasing is more complicated than we think.

As one researcher puts it, “teasing is paradoxical. Teasing criticizes yet compliments, attacks yet makes people closer, humiliates yet expresses affection.”

So, the impact of teasing depends on who’s doing it, the recipient, the way it’s done, the subject, the relationship of the people involved…teasing is simply not as innocuous as you may think.

And, just so you know, it turns out I had undiagnosed anxiety and ADHD.

Today I’m going to talk to you about teasing your teen; the difference between teasing and bullying, topics you should never tease about and the long-lasting effects teasing can have on your kid. Don’t go anywhere – this is much more important than you may think.

PODCAST INTRO

Parents are in a unique position to influence adolescent wellbeing and behavior, and teasing is an issue that most parents consider harmless—and some of it is—but certainly, some of it is not.

As with most parenting issues, the first step is awareness. So, let me explain what I’ve discovered about the influence parental teasing can have on your teen and specifically the type of teasing you should avoid.

When we tease our kids or teens (I use the words interchangeably if you haven’t noticed) – our teasing is rarely consciously meant to hurt, embarrass or harass them. Sometimes we tease them at a lame attempt at connection, other times it may be to teach resiliency or encourage some sort of epiphany or way of thinking, or cooperation.

We’re using an implicit rather than explicit form of communication as a form of behavior modification. We’re not coming right out and saying, you shouldn’t eat that much, or you should be neater, or I’m afraid you’re going to flunk math (because we don’t want to hurt their feelings or make them mad, maybe?)—instead we try to get the point across subtly.

But teens interpret things much more negatively than anyone else and they know what you’re trying to say, but they magnify it 10-fold in their brains.

You might say, ‘Oh my gosh, I feel like I need a hazmat suit just to walk into your bedroom!” (meaning: I sure wish you’d clean this room up) but they hear, “you’re a disgusting slob”

Of course, all teasing isn’t bad. Teasing has its place. It can help people form bonds and can be a positive in relationships between friends, co-workers, romantic partners—and even between parents and kids.

But what separates teasing from bullying? At its core, bullying is a show of aggression, and the intent is to make the other person feel bad in some way. Teasing is more of a form of playful communication where there’s no negative intent.

But one of the problems with basic communication is that the intent of the teaser and the interpretation by the recipient doesn’t always match up. Both people must be enjoying the exchange for it to be true teasing.

Is it really teasing then when the goal is to change your teen’s behavior in some way?

Consider your family’s culture—your family culture is a combination of things like values, traditions, beliefs, behaviors, communication style.

It’s not like everyone gets together and says, “this is our family culture” and forms some sort of agreement. It’s just what becomes expected in the family, the family dynamic so to speak.

Teasing and the level of teasing is an element of your family culture. Maybe it’s not allowed in any form or only certain types of teasing are accepted, or maybe it’s every man for himself – no holds barred teasing.

Often hurtful teasing or bullying is passed down generation to generation. I’ve seen this in families I’ve known. Parents saying things in the name of teasing (really just bullying) and those young people passing it right along to peers or romantic partners.

You may not be fully conscious that you’re engaging in hurtful teasing. You may have convinced yourself you really are just joking around or trying to connect or build their tolerance for such things. But again, it’s not really your intent that matters, it’s their perception.

Think about your experiences as a kid. Were you teased in a hurtful way by your parents? They likely didn’t mean to be hurtful but it impacted you and you may be passing it along to your kids.

Michelle Maidenberg, writing for Psychology Today says that to evaluate family teasing, she looks at several different factors, like the context in which it’s happening, whether the person being teased gets mad or hurt, or has asked the person to stop—are they being listened to in this regard?

Is everyone being teased or is someone being picked on? Does it look more like criticism?

And she asks a really good question, “Would you tolerate the same behavior toward your children from someone outside of the family?” If you wouldn’t, then you shouldn’t be doing it either.

 

Adolescence is such a precarious time. With neurobiological and physiological changes they’re going through, they are especially susceptible to misinterpretation, emotional dysregulation, embarrassment and self-consciousness, wanting nothing more than to fit in and be like everyone else, be part of a group. They’re comparing themselves to everyone, both in person and on social media. Their self-esteem is built on their self-image and that self-image is built primarily on what they think other people think of them, and how they stack up to others.

You’re the most influential person in their life – whether it feels like it or not at the moment, your teen cares what you think, their self-esteem is easily deflated or bolstered based on their interpretations of your words and actions.

Of course, their peers’ opinions are right there neck and neck with yours. And if they’re hearing the same thing from you that they’re hearing from peers, it will have a major impact on how they see themselves, how they act, how they relate with other people – everything.

 

 

 

 

 

Impact –

Teasing in general has been associated with increased levels of stress, anxiety, depression. It can lead to bullying by the person being teased—they bully or treat friends the same way and friends are offended. It can lead to social withdrawal, loneliness and isolation, and even lead to academic problem.

If a teen is already anxious, depressed, or has self-esteem issues, etc. teasing about certain things can exacerbate it.

Teasing by parents would be assumed to cause many of the same issues.

For example, it’s been found that adolescents who are teased by parents about their weight or appearance are more likely to develop disordered eating patterns.

The scientific reasoning is that if you’re overweight or underweight during adolescence, you’re more likely to be teased by different groups of people like peers, siblings, and parents. That teasing can lead to anxiety and self-esteem issues and indirectly cause problem eating as a coping mechanism. Parental teasing specifically has been found to be detrimental because of the emotional impact on a kid.

It also appears that parental teasing can lead to sibling teasing. Kids watch your behavior to model their own, so if it’s okay for you, it’s okay for them.

And because adolescents are especially sensitive to being treated with respect, having their autonomy supported, and are already self-conscious and embarrassed by everything, the wrong kind of teasing could certainly cause animosity between you.

Teasing certainly threatens their autonomy, especially if you’ve ignored their feelings about the teasing, it can embarrass them, and they may feel helpless to make you stop.

Some types of teasing could lead to deep emotional scars they could carry with them into adulthood.

There are just certain things you should never tease your kid about – like things they have little or no control over.

For example, as I just mentioned, you should never tease them about their body, their weight, so you should tease about their thinning hair, freckles, weird toes, the gap between their tooth—anything regarding their physical appearance.

You do not want them internalizing a negative self-image. And hearing these things from a parent, no matter your intent or how much you really love that gap between their teeth, feels like a put-down.

You shouldn’t tease your teen about anything that falls into their personal domain, like their choice of clothes, jewelry or hair style. Remember, these things are up to them – they get to decide so you’re criticizing their style, how they choose to be seen by the world (go back and listen to episode 133).

Likewise, you shouldn’t tease them about being anxious or nervous about certain things. If they’re afraid of being alone or driving over a bridge or have been diagnosed with OCD and wash their hands too often, you should never tease them about it. These are very real fears and compulsions for them and it’s not funny. It could really make them feel more alone, hopeless, ashamed, and increase negative self-talk, which can make the condition worse.

Don’t tease them about their intelligence or their academic performance—don’t compare them to their friends or siblings. Whether they’re highly intelligent or just like most everyone else, focus on their effort rather than their grades or accomplishments. Don’t label one kid in the family, “the genius” and one “the dancer” – one or both of them is going to take offense deep down. There’s no need for these comparisons. Each child has his or her own talents but calling it out by giving them a name, isn’t a great idea.

Don’t tease them about bodily functions, menstruation, or anything of a deeply personal nature like this. Now, of course, this can also depend on your family culture. My husband’s siblings tested me the fist night they met me by doing 10 minutes of fart schtick to see whether I’d laugh and join in or be a prude like his ex-wife. I passed the test.

Their family culture was all about practical jokes and teasing – a family of 7 has to do something to keep from driving each other crazy I suppose.

But if this type of teasing is not accepted and enjoyed by everyone in the family, it can be a problem. I remember the day I got my first period, and my mother teased me in front of my dad to explain why I was so irritable (yet again). I was so embarrassed and angry with her – I mean I still remember it 40 years later !

The same goes for teasing them about a romantic interest – especially in front of said interest! Don’t even think about it. Of course, you should have serious and ongoing conversations about consent, birth control, and all things sex, but don’t tease about it. Let them know it’s not a teasing issue. You certainly wouldn’t want them to think it’s okay to tease others this way or be teased by others this way.

Don’t tease them about their athleticism or sports performance. Again, this is something they can’t readily change. If they need help and want help, you can give it but if they’re not doing well or the court or field, they already feel bad enough about it, they don’t need you piling on the shame.

Don’t tease them about the way they talk or sing – again, anything they can’t easily change, should be off the table.

 

 

Tips to curb it

Remember this—your intention, even if well-meaning—may not be seen that way by your kid. Of course, you don’t mean to hurt their feelings. That gap tooth is precious to you, or you’re proud of how smart they are, but to them, it’s just one more thing to be embarrassed about.

Watch your teen’s reaction to any teasing you do. If they get angry, sad, walk away, apologize and don’t do it anymore. And if they ask you to stop, obviously stop.

And if your words would be insulting to a friend, then why say to your teen, right? And you could look at this way as well—if you’d be upset with someone else if they said this to your kid, you shouldn’t say it to them either. You have to be objective here and really think about it.

And I’ve talked many times about your teen’s super sensitive amygdala, the emotional center of the brain, you want to avoid triggering that amygdala (I’ll link to some episodes in the show notes). Context matters a lot when it comes to avoiding a blow-up. Are they already stressed about something, are you arguing, are they hungry, tired, sleepy, are there other people around? If so, that’s not the time to tease about anything.

I mentioned earlier that you’re the model for what happens between siblings as well. If you don’t want hurtful teasing going on between your kids, you have to model something else and you have to work on the family culture. Make some rules – involve everyone in the discussion. Talk about how teasing can be misinterpreted and that things may be funny to one person that aren’t to another.

Promote open communication when siblings are angry with each other rather than using teasing to express it. When you have to call it out, don’t talk about the subject of the teasing (defending one kid’s weight or hair or whatever) and instead focus on the teasing as the behavior you don’t want to see.

Things like this make a good subject for a family meeting. You can’t have to many open discussions where everyone is heard and can be honest.

So, I hope you can look at teasing a little bit differently now and realize it’s not always about your intent. Teens are especially vulnerable to hurtful teasing that can leave a deep scar. So, be careful, think it through before you say something, take certain types of teasing totally off the table, set a great example for everyone.

And if you do cross the line with any of your kids, own up to it, apologize, talk it out, and don’t do it again.

That’s it for Speaking of Teens today. I’ll have several related episodes linked for you in the Show notes. Thank you so much for listening all the way through – I hope you found it valuable and will share it with other parents you think could use it.

If you’d like a little support with your parenting, you can join us in the Speaking of Teens Facebook group – the link is at the very bottom of the episode description right where you’re listening.

Until next time, just remember to connect in at least some small way with your teen each and every day.