The holidays are fraught with intense emotion. You know why? Because we’re human - humans with parents and children. Nothing brings out intense emotions like family. Not just intense emotions but extreme emotional shifts – from disappointment to exhilaration to downright fury.

One of the main reasons (as I see it) for emotion overload during the holidays are our self-imposed expectations.

Sentimental movies, slick advertising, and don’t forget social media – we’re led to believe that the holidays are a time for nothing but joy and laughter and loving our fellow humans – and perfect decorations, matching pajamas and the perfect gift.

Expectations are a dangerous thing. They tend to bring on more disappointment than joy. We expect too much of ourselves and we especially expect too much of our teenagers.

Let’s talk about how you can manage your expectations and modify your mindset about your teens during the holidays so things can be much more relaxed and enjoyable this year. Don’t go anywhere.

PODCAST INTRO

All the Western world has bought into the fantasy of the made-for-TV holiday movie. You know what I’m talking about. Love all around, wholesome family fun, and blissful togetherness. We all want it – and we want the damn pictures for social media to prove that we have it.

From the time our kids are little, we tell ourselves we have to make the holidays “special” – memorable. We put all this pressure on ourselves, which is only magnified through social media’s constant stream of perfectionism-inducing content.

So, year after year we give it all we’ve got and are, for some reason, surprised and disappointed when things don’t go as planned. And it is our fault – the disappointment…because our expectations for all that love and laughter are just so unrealistic.

And the older our kids get, the more unrealistic our expectations are…because we cling to the same ones (those that year after year have left us stressed out and disappointed), and our kids become even less inclined to cooperate in our delusional fantasy. So, we’re set up for even more disappointment, frustration, and even downright sadness.

 

Maybe they don’t want to decorate the tree, bake cookies, go see the Nutcracker or drive through the holiday lights display (and they’re even less likely to put on a happy face for a family photo). And maybe their gift requests look like an entitled celebrity’s shopping list.

So, how can you set yourself up for a much more relaxed holiday season with your teens?

1. You can remind yourself that your teen is not a little kid anymore, - they don’t think like a little kid, feel like a little kid or want to be treated like a little kid.

And even though they may really enjoy some parts of the holidays, they will likely abandon or shun others. Maybe even some things you consider sacred traditions.

Remind yourself why this is. They are individuating, figuring out who they are, forming their own opinions and part of this process is not only having different opinions from yours but also wanting to spend more time with friends than with you.

This is all part of the process of growing into a young adult and it’s not only useless to fight it, but if you do, you’re hindering your child’s growth and will weaken your relationship with them, which means you’ll have less influence in their life. (I’ll link to an episode to explain more)

It’s okay to grieve this loss of childhood – it is sad. An era has passed. But don’t make them feel guilt or shame for growing up. They aren’t Peter Pan, and you can’t keep them young forever. Grieve it – then accept it. The years to come are full of potential for creating a relationship with them that’s very different from the one you had with them as a child. Embrace that – look forward to it and make the best of it with new traditions – even if it feels like you’re giving up on something yourself.

The more you try to force them to do the things you want them to do (that they’ve now grown out of), the more conflict and stress you’ll create. Let it go and find out what they’d rather do instead.

2. Remember that the holidays can be stressful for them as well – expectations from friends, romantic interests and social media. Do they get the same cool gifts as their friends, will their boyfriend or girlfriend like what they got them, will they be invited to do things, be able to post the pictures they want on social…

And when you put your unrealistic expectations on top of it all, you’re simply asking for conflict and disconnection – the opposite of what you’re trying to achieve.

Remember that they cannot regulate their emotions very well at this stage of life and stress only adds fuel to the fire. They are much more likely to explode over the smallest things…and they cannot help it - it’s simply the way their brain works. (I’ll link to some episodes to help you with this)

So, limit your expectations – despite your own disappointment and frustration.

Is having them wear that particular shirt you want them to wear to grandma’s or insisting on “family time” important enough to risk a blow up and disconnection?

Every conflict you have with them adds a brick in the wall between you. If you’re not careful you can build the Great Wall of China in just the months of November and December.

Trying to force holiday traditions or enforce standards that you’ve created in your mind, will achieve just the opposite. So, ask yourself why you would do that.

Sure, there are expectations you can’t abandon – they need to see family during the holidays – but does it really matter what they wear? And why not let them sleep until the last minute before getting up and getting ready? And what’s wrong with Facetiming a friend while they’re there? Work with your teen, brainstorm solutions, negotiate, be reasonable and remember the goal here is to maintain your relationship and stay firm on what really matters – and let go of the things that don’t.

You cannot force them to enjoy something that is beyond their ability to enjoy (I mean do you really enjoy going to your in-laws all day and listening to the same stories they’ve told for years and eating the same orange, congealed Jello looking stuff with marshmallows in it? Of course not! So, why would you expect a teenager to do it with a smile on their face and joy in their heart?! Come on.

Don’t worry about what the relatives think. If they don’t have teens yet, they’ll understand one day. Until then, ignore their comments or looks and chalk it up to ignorance.

 

3. Drop the fantasy and stop telling yourself that your holidays should be anything other than what they are – imperfect.

There’s not a family in the universe who experiences the holidays the way we have it pictured in our heads.

Kids squabble, teens are rude and don’t want to spend time with us, in-laws are annoying, it’s not possible to have the food ready all at the same time, and dragging the decorations out can be a real pain in the ass.

So, just stop telling yourself that you’re failing at this when everyone else is living the same reality as you.

But the less you build up this picture of perfection in your mind, the less disappointing and frustrating it will all feel. Let that dream go and do the holidays with your family the way you do life with your family – that’s enough. You’re spoiling the point of being together, by comparing your experience to something unattainable.

Leave the fantasy to the makers of Hallmark movies and accept that we’re all getting by the best way we can…and that’s enough.

 

4. Similarly, for all things Holy, please stop comparing yourself to images on social media – whether they’re friends or total strangers, just remember, most of those posts are by people tied up in the fantasy themselves and trying to perpetuate the idea that they’ve achieved It’s just not true.

Do you think they’re going to post a video of the argument they had with their teenager over their need to shower off some of the funk before the relatives arrive for dinner?! Of course not.

Are they going to share that just this morning before posing for the perfect picture in front of the tree, they found a weed vape in their teen’s bedroom? Not hardly.

But guess what? You can assume that behind every beautiful photo is a family living life and struggling with many of the same issues you are.

No one puts the less-than-beautiful side of their life on display – why would we?

But just because we don’t post a pic of us crying over the dry turkey that no one ate or one of our husband causing a fuss over the dog hair gathered around the Christmas tree, doesn’t mean these things aren’t happening to everyone. Trees fall in the forest all the time, and no one hears them – they still fall. Is that a good analogy? Maybe not – but you know what I mean.

Comparison really is the thief of joy. Please remember that and don’t kid yourself – no one has a perfect life, a family who never argues or teenagers who’s sole focus is to please them. Keep your eyes on your own paper!

 

5. Focus on the positive. At the risk sounding silly, I want you to focus on your teen’s positive attributes during the holidays. I know, that can be really tough. But a while back I changed up the question that I ask of parents joining the Facebook group. I used to ask, “what’s your biggest struggle with your teen right now?”

But I decided instead to focus on the positive. So, I now everyone to tell me something positive about their teen.

It’s simply way too easy for us to focus on what they’re doing wrong or what we wished they do better. All the little things like not cleaning their room, not doing their homework, not hanging that blasted towel up after they use it, not doing their chores, being rude, less than empathetic and always wanting something from you.

Understanding why they act this way and being empathetic, isn’t intuitive for most parents – we have to learn to do it.

So, seeing past the “negative” to appreciate the positive can be really difficult. Try this – make a list of your teen’s positive attributes as soon as you finish this episode. Memorize it or paste it somewhere so you can look at it every day.

Is your teen kind to younger kids? Is she dedicated to her sport? Is he a loyal friend? Does she take pride in her writing? Is he funny?

Even the negative can become a positive. Does he come up with great analogies when he’s arguing with you? Does she defend the friends you don’t like, with real passion?

Concentrating on your teen’s positive qualities rather than what you see as “negative” can make a major difference in your mindset, help you regulate your emotions and decrease the conflict between you.

 

6. And, as we in the U.S. just celebrated Thanksgiving, I want to remind you to spend a little time being grateful if at all possible. I know some days that’s a big ask.

Especially if you’re the parent of a teen who’s struggling right now with their mental health or substance use.

But at the risk of sounding like a Pollyanna, you can develop a more open mind about gratitude. It doesn’t have to mean that you force yourself to see the silver lining in every negative thing that happens. And it also isn’t about avoiding unpleasant emotions. As a matter of fact, the more you try to do that, the more intense those emotions will likely become.

Gratitude is more about being able to appreciate the small (or larger) positives that happen throughout the day. Noticing when someone is kind to you. Reflecting on what a beautiful day it is. Really appreciating that quick laugh, you had with your teen.

You can do this by keeping a gratitude journal or noting 3 things each day that you’re grateful for – it could be anything from the fact that your lunch spot featured your favorite soup to the fact that you had enough gas in the car to get to work and back.

Practicing gratitude is scientifically shown to decrease depressive symptoms, increase happiness – and who doesn’t want that, right? The human brain is simply wired to think more negatively so it’s important to do what we can to tip the scales in the other direction when possible.

One particular intervention you may want to try as a family is the “3 Good Things” exercise. For 7 straight days, write down 3 things that went well for you each day. Include the who, what, when and where of the thing that happened, give the event a title like, “Made my boss smile”, how it made you feel in the moment and as you write it down and explain why you think it happened. (I’ll have a link to the exercise for you in the show notes)

There you have it – 6 ways to help you change the way you approach the holidays with your teens, so you can have a more relaxed and enjoyable holiday season with the whole family.

To recap:

Remind yourself they’re not a kid anymore and they may not want to do the “kid things”. It’s okay to be sad about that – build new traditions and move forward appreciating them for the young adult they’re growing into.

Remember the holidays can be stressful for them as well – don’t make it worse by trying to enforce unrealistic expectations. Negotiate whenever possible.

Set your fantasies aside and accept your family and circumstances as imperfect as they are.

Stop comparing yourself, your teens…your family to images on social media – there’s no such thing as perfection.

Focus on your teen’s positive attributes and spend some time being grateful for the little things that make your life truly special.

START MUSIC HERE

Speaking of being grateful, I just want to say as I move into my 3^rd holiday season of the podcast, that I am so very grateful for you, dear listener. Whether you’ve been around since the beginning or just found me, I’m so very glad you’re here.

Producing this podcast is the most meaningful and fulfilling thing I’ve ever done. I’m glad to be in a position to help you in some way and I hope you’ll pay it forward by sharing Speaking of Teens with another parent. Let them know how it’s helped you and send them the link.

And come join me and a wonderfully supportive group of parents in the Speaking of Teens Facebook group if you’d like to – the link is at the bottom of the episode description, where you’re listening now.

Alright, until next time, remember to connect with your teen in some small way, each and every day.