Ann Coleman

I have a very special episode for you today. I recently had the opportunity to coach a mom (I’ll call her Carol – although not her real name) who had just started Parent Camp when we recorded several weeks back and was having a little bit of a hard time with her own emotions – much like I had several years ago when I was parenting my teenage son.

So, I asked her if she would allow me to record our session so you could hear my advice. I think this will be quite helpful for you so stick around – and please stick around through the end – this is a long one but pause it and come back if you must because there’s gold throughout and I love Carol’s analogy at the very end.

PODCAST INTRO

Carol has a son in college and a daughter in her last year of high school. When she found Parent Camp, she was pretty overwhelmed – specifically by the emotional interactions with her daughter.

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Carol

So what I've been thinking about Anne is ever since my children were little babies, their distress made me feel immediately anxious and all I wanted to do was make it stop. I couldn't let them feel the feelings because it felt like it was something that I had to fix or control or make better.

 

Now I've been a parent for a couple of decades and I'm realizing that I have low emotional intelligence. New thing that I've been learning about. I'm very easily dysregulated. I feel very overwhelmed. And I want to know why I'm like this and I want to change. So I'd like to explore that. And in particular, I want to better understand when my daughter feels emotionally dysregulated or that's how I'm feeling that we're interacting. Is this to do with her hormones? Is she modeling the bad behavior that I'm having? And I don't mean good or bad. mean, you know, expressing that I'm clearly not coping, dysregulating. And it's in the back of my mind as well from my own parenting style.

 

Ann Coleman

Dysregulated. Yeah.

 

Carol

Going back to the beginning of not being able to cope with them, showing the feelings and me always having to have, you know, these good children that don't, you know, have tantrums and so on. Is it now just coming out at the time of adolescence in her? And it's so interesting because actually your story is my story. I mean, that's exactly where I was a few years ago and I had no idea what emotional intelligence even was. I had never thought about my own emotions. I was not aware of what emotions I was feeling. It was just like, my God, this is bad or this is big or whatever. And then I had no idea how to rein it in. And then, but once (this is the key) is once we become aware of like what it is we're feeling, where those feelings are coming from, then we can start to regulate them. Then we can start to manage them and know what direction to go.

So the first key to this whole thing is emotional awareness. Now, and then we'll get into your daughter too in a minute. So, I mean, you know, we learn about our emotions or we learn about, I guess, how to manage or not manage our emotions from our parents and how we were raised. And no matter how much we say, my God, I do not want to be like my parents or I do not want to parent my children like my parents parented me. What happens is we are impacted no matter what, emotionally, by how we're raised. And that can't help but come out in our behavior and in our emotions later.

So my first question would be, or what I would have you do first is probably examine how you were treated when you were a child, when you had big emotions, when you were feeling dysregulated as a child. And this sounds very therapist -like, I know, but that's not where we're going. I'm not going to the root. I'm just, you learn.

These things by how you're treated and how you begin to absorb what your own emotions make other people feel and how you feel about having those emotions. how, like can you remember that?

Like how were your emotions treated in your family? Were they shoved aside? Did y 'all talk about your emotions? Give me a little bit of background there.

So it's really just been the last couple of years that I started to maybe not be so selfish as a human being. It's very easy to blame your parents for everything. But, you know, now I look at it from a broader perspective. My parents were from a time where, you know, they're post World War II children. The dad wasn't present in the birth room, you know, very different styles of parenting, extremely different.

I think also culturally, know, England was a very, what do they call it? Keep calm and carry on. You don't, you know, don't embarrass me in public. So if there were times where I was crying and I did cry a lot as a child because I was super sensitive, but in those days you're called a crybaby and don't embarrass me in public and you're fine. Just, you know, go and play - go outside, very brushed aside. Yeah, definitely. So very much brushed aside.

 

Ann Coleman

Yep. Stay calm and carry on. Yeah. Okay. Yep. We'll see in that and of course we're not blaming your parents at all. Not blaming anyone because you're right. This is how they were taught to parent. This is how their parents parented. And as a matter of fact, our parents probably had more feeling towards us and treated us probably a lot more emotionally than even their parents treated them.

This is something that goes back generations and both in Europe and here in the US, our descendants were all taught that you don't address emotions. Emotions are something that are silly and frivolous and unnecessary and show weakness and are not to be tolerated because it's all about outward behavior.

It's all about them looking like, well, reflecting on us as parents, like we're good parents. Like our kids are perfect little soldiers and they do exactly as they're told and everything's okay. And again, not their fault that they were told that. There was literature back in the 20s that started teaching people this. So it is not their fault, but no matter what, it has an impact on us as a child when we're sitting there and our parents are saying, you're okay, don't worry about it or stop acting that way or you're embarrassing me or don't be a crybaby.

What we internalize from that is that our emotions don't count. A, B, it teaches us that we don't understand what it is we're feeling because we're being told we're okay when we know internally we're not. We don't feel okay. This feels bad. Something is not right. And then someone who's much bigger than us, who we look up to and we love, tells us, you're okay. It's not a big deal. Quit being silly. And so what it teaches us is to push those emotions down, to not pay attention to what we're feeling internally because we're wrong. We're just wrong.

And we're not, so we start feeling stupid for feeling the way we feel. Now this is not consciously at all. We're not telling ourselves usually that, we're so stupid, I'm so stupid. But you internalize that feeling and you learn to try to suppress what you're feeling. Or you get angry at them and at yourself inside that I'm being treated this way. So there's all kinds of ramifications of this you know, all the way from self -esteem to, you know, not being able to do as well in school because we have that inner self -doubt. So that's where it starts.

And then, you know, this not being able to rein it in for you, it comes from that unawareness, that not know what am I feeling? Why am I not wanting my child to...cry or scream or pitch a fit. What is it about that that makes me crazy in the moment? And so it could be, and you know, you can start thinking about this, but is it that you feel that they're out of control? So I'm not doing a good job. Maybe, you know, some of that might be that. Is it that I don't want them to feel any distress because I it's just feel sad and I feel out of control if my child is in distress, it pains me to see them hurt. You know, is it that I am, I'm the mother, so I should be able to fix these things for them. And when they're out of control like this and upset, it means that, you know, I don't know what I'm doing. And so it makes you feel, you know, inept and out of control. So there's all kinds of things that it probably brings back and makes you feel, but the important thing to realize is that you have to take a pause in that moment. And when they are upset, you have to stop that immediate reaction in yourself. If you can learn to take a pause and say, okay, this is not an emergency. My child is upset.

They're not dying. They're not, you know, lying in the street in front of a car. It's okay. And so if you can learn to take that brief little pause.

And so I teach people in parent camp to use a mantra. Like when your kid's, you know, out of control, they're doing the best they can right now with the brain they have, or, you know, when they act the worst is when they need me the most. Anything that helps you to remember in that moment that you need to take a pause.

So, and the other thing to remember is what, again, what I teach in parent camp and what I've talked about on this podcast is that your adolescent's brain does not work like your brain. So when they are doing this, it's because their amygdala, part of their brain that causes emotions has taken over their prefrontal cortex that helps them with self -control, is not strong enough to keep that from happening and so they're out of control.

So they're not doing it on purpose. Some of this is due to hormones, but the hormones are reacting in the brain. It's the neurobiology, it's the brain that's causing this. So girls at certain times of the month may be more apt to have outbursts, but boys and girls both have this same issue with their emotions. It's not something we've done. It's not that, you know, we haven't taught them well. It has nothing to do that. It is literally their brain causing this problem.

But what you can do is if you can look at their tantrums or their meltdowns in a different way, reframe them in a way that tells you, okay, here is an opportunity for me to help my child learn how to regulate their own emotions. So it's an opportunity for emotional connection. But I have to also learn in this moment first, I have to calm down. I have to get a grip on my own emotions so I can do what comes next. So I can help them through this.

So, and what I'm talking about is called emotion coaching. And we'll talk about that in a minute. So, and that comes up in section three in parent camp. But so at first you're saying, okay, I need to have empathy for what my child is going through because they can't help it. Their brain is doing it. They're not doing this to manipulate me. They're not, not normally, they're not doing this to make me mad. They're not doing this for...you know, they're not doing this because they're a brat or, you know, a narcissist or entitled. It is what it is.

So first recognizing that, having some empathy, realizing that it's not something that we need to make stop, but it's something that we need to help them get through and understand because our parents didn't do that for us. And that's why we're dysregulated and we don't want that for them.

We want them to make that connection between their prefrontal cortex and their amygdala. We want to grow that connection and strengthen that. And so that's what emotion coaching does. and again, talk about that in minute, but your own emotions, taking that pause and stopping and telling yourself those things, not their fault. I need to have empathy when they're at their worst. You know, they need me the most. I need to take a breath.

This is not an emergency, whatever you need to do. And if you feel yourself that you still cannot take that breath and think about what to do next, that's when you separate yourself from them. And you say, you know what? I can see this is not a good time. I'm gonna step away for a minute. And you can even say, I'm afraid I might lose it. So I'm gonna walk in the other room. I'll be back later and we'll see if we can talk.

Or it may be just, I mean, if they're truly having such a meltdown that they can't even hear what you're saying, you just put up your hand and say, I'll be back, I'll be back. And you turn around and walk away. Because we can't do what you cannot emotion coach if your child is so dysregulated that they cannot focus at all. And you can't do it if you're so dysregulated or feel like you're about to be so dysregulated that you can't do what you need to do.

So what am I talking about that you need to do? What we do is we listen, first of all, if they are, and you know, usually they're saying something. And so it doesn't matter if it is, if they're cursing, if they're calling you names, if they are being a little snot, you still keep it zipped. So that's take a breath and zip it. Zip it up and let them have the floor.

And again, unless they're just so, you know, screaming, throwing things, whatever, that you just can't, you know, you just have to get out the room. But normally they're saying something. And so if they're screaming, whatever, you don't correct them in that moment. You don't say, don't talk to me that way. You don't stop and interrupt them. You let them get it out. And as you're listening, really listen. Like, put everything aside, put your phone down, don't worry about whatever's going on and just focus on them. Try to understand in that moment whatever they're saying to you, think about, okay, what are they saying and how is it that they're feeling in this moment?

So let's say your daughter saw something that somebody posted about her online or some comments somebody made and so as she's talking and you're getting curious about it and she tells you what they said it dawns on you. Okay, I get it. She's acting out and it seems like she's angry but what it sounds like to me is that she's hurt. This person hurt her feelings or made her feel stupid or embarrassed her or you know, she's jealous about something.

So anger is this, you know, always the tip of the iceberg. It's always the thing that's on the outside. But normally, I mean, almost, almost all the time, probably, there's something else going on underneath that. And so our job as a parent is to listen well enough to understand what it is they're really feeling in this moment. And to do that - like let's say she's halfway through the story and you're like, okay, I'm not sure I'm getting this. okay. And you can stop when she takes a breath. Okay, well, I'm not sure I understand this part. So tell me again, or tell me more is a good thing just to say, or you can even just say, gosh. And then just let them know that you're listening and you want them to continue talking. And then once she gets it all out, then try to think, okay, what emotion, what word is it that I need to grasp, that I need to reach for and give to her on a silver platter so she can understand what she's feeling? Because again, adolescents are not very emotionally aware either, and that's our job to help them. So you've got a dual role here. You've got to figure out how to be more emotionally aware of yourself and emotionally regulated, and you've got to help her do the same.

So there's an emotion wheel that I use in parent camp. We've got definitions. think that's, I may have put some definitions out in one of my free parenting guides, Emotional Awareness Strategies. But you grab one of those words, if, know, in the beginning when you're just learning how to do this, my word that I usually like, because my son, it was usually because he was frustrated. He has ADHD and it was usually frustration. So I would usually say something like, my gosh, I mean, that sounds really tough. I can see that you're frustrated right now. So you're not saying, okay, you're frustrated. That's the word you want to use, but you're using it in a way that you're validating and acknowledging what they're feeling, what they're saying to you and throwing that word out for them so they can grab onto it and go, yeah, that's what I'm feeling. You're right, mom. And they're not going to say that ever, but they'll go.

Yes, I am frustrated. I've seen that in my son. He'll say, yeah, I'm frustrated. You're right. And so they're like, my gosh, that's how I'm feeling. Now, when you're listening and then you give them that word and you validate them and acknowledge that they have a right to feel how they're feeling and that you see them feeling that way and you know that they're feeling that way, they can suddenly start to calm down because now they're not having to convince you that they're feeling what they're feeling. They're like, okay, she gets it. I don't have to keep screaming. I don't have to keep yelling. Mom gets it. Now I can take a breath and now we can proceed. Does that part make sense?

Carol

Most definitely. And as you were talking, I don't know where this came from. I kind of remembered about, do remember in Finding Nemo and the dad says to Nemo, I will never let anything happen to you. And it's the most ludicrous thing to say because we don't have children to protect them from every thought and feeling. So I think carrying the baggage of perhaps a bit of shame, fear -based parenting, all of these things to protect my children have not shown perhaps resilience or also remembering what I was like as a teenager. My hormones were so up and down. So perhaps I'm bringing to the table my own experience and that fear and assumptions. And that's not a good thing because she has to have her own thoughts and feelings. And validation was a word that I only learned within the last few years. But in the moment, before you know these things,

Well, you did this or I did that. And so as a parent, you can just say, well, feel defensive or indignant. Well, I did my best and I'm listening and I'm here, but then you're not listening at all because you kind of, and if I'm talking to my friend, she's telling me about something that happened at work or at the store, I'm not going to interrupt her and say, that's it. So it's kind of mirroring a respect with them.

 

Ann Coleman

Absolutely. Exactly, exactly. Right. And the thing, you said, you know, maybe I haven't instilled resilience in them or something that take that thought and throw it in the garbage can. OK, that is not what this is about at all. They are experiencing these emotions because of the way their brain is changing. That is it. It has nothing to do with your parenting skills. All teenagers have meltdowns. All of them. All of them. They have meltdowns. They have moments. They throw things possibly, I mean, some of them worse than others, but they all, all experience this. This is not something unusual that just your children do. It is not something you did wrong as a parent. But what you can do now, unlike a lot of parents, is you can help them learn this emotional regulation that most of them or many of them do not learn.

So you're going to be equipped to help them with that now. But so I want you to put that thought out of your head that it's not something you have failed to do as a parent. It's not something you've done wrong as a parent. It's something you're just becoming aware of that you need to help them with and you're just getting the tools for that. And that is fine.

I didn't learn this stuff until my kid was turning 18 and it's all good. So the other thing you said, which I think is very profound and thing, you know, what we need to realize is that when we're talking to teenagers, our teenagers, we need to remember that they feel like an adult. They feel like they know as much or more usually than we do.

And to talk to them in any other way other than with the tone and the words and the respect that we use for a friend is just going to end up in conflict. It's going to be worse. So that's a great thing to remember. The other thing you said was not taking things personally and not being defensive yourself because what happens, of course, in the moment they're saying, you never do this and you always do that and I blah, blah, So of course, you know, my kid would say, you never let me do anything like everybody. And I'm like, what are you talking about? I let you do this. I let you do this. No, no, no. What we are doing in that moment is we are only acknowledging how they feel about what they think about what we've done. It does not matter if what they're thinking is true or not true. They are thinking it. They are feeling it. And there's nothing we can do about that in that moment. Now, a lot of times what that is, is them not really believing that and not really feeling that. It is them not understanding what they're feeling and wanting to grasp at straws, at anything to explain why they feel the way they're feeling right now inside. You know, it's like, if you have a temperature or you feel like you're hot and you feel a little achy, if you don't know that the flu shot you just took a couple of days ago makes you feel that way, you might assume that you're getting the flu or you're getting sick. It's a matter of understanding our own internal feelings, our physiology, our mental states, our thoughts, and putting these things together. And many adults cannot do that, but certainly adolescents cannot do that. They may feel butterflies and flutters in their stomach and, you know, think, it's the cute boy across the hall, or maybe it's the thing that I ate for lunch that's making me feel bad, or maybe they have to find something, you know, we all do, to pinpoint that, that's why, that's why I feel this way. So, if you're standing in front of them and they're upset about something else, a lot of times it's gonna be that I'm upset with you, it's you, mom, it's your fault.

So we do have to step back and say, okay, I cannot take this stuff personally. This really probably doesn't have anything to do with me. This is probably simply them trying to figure out what they're feeling. And that's part of my job is to help them figure out what they're feeling and why they're behaving this way. So great points, you know.

Don't take it personally. Don't respond in a personal manner. Don't respond like you're being attacked, even though you may feel like you are. You have to remember that's how their brain works. And it's just like that when they were little.

 

Ann Coleman

Okay, so it's just like when they were babies. I mean, you know, they would scream, we didn't know why. Are they wet? Did they poop? Did they, you know, are they sick? Are they hungry? What is it? And we had to help them figure it out and, you know, put the bottle in their mouth or change their diaper. So it's the same thing now. We didn't blame them. We didn't get angry at them. We didn't...feel like it was a personal affront that they were screaming at us. We knew they were screaming at us because they didn't know what else to do and they could not talk.

Well, it's the same for adolescents. In that moment, they can't do anything else. They're doing the best they can with what they have. So we take a step back and go, okay, now I need to figure out, do they need to poop? Do they need to eat? Do they, you know, what is it? So that's the emotional part. You're like, okay, what is it? What's going on?

And then you can stick the bottle in the mouth, change the diaper. Then you tell them what it is you think they're feeling. And they can go, yeah, I think that's it.

And it's just like figuring out why is my foot hurting? Is it plantar fasciitis? Is it an ingrown toenail? Is it gout? What is it? When somebody tells you what it is, you go, yeah, now I feel better because now I know what to do about it. There's a medicine for that. I know I'm angry. There's something I can do about that. I know I'm hurt. There's something I can do about that.

So recognizing that emotion is the first step in helping them to calm down. Once they're more calm, then depending on the situation, if it's something let's say she's hurt about, and maybe once she realizes she's hurt, I mean, she may tear up, she may cry, she may need comforting. And that's another part of this emotion coaching is you can give them a hug if they accept it, rub them on the back, just touch her hair, her hand, whatever is accepted, if it's accepted, because you gotta read the room. As I say, sometimes they'll slap your hand away, but other times they'll melt into your arms and just that loving touch, it releases oxytocin in their brain, which counteracts the cortisol, which also helps them to calm down. It's the same neurotransmitter that's released when we breastfeed or when we hold our baby skin to skin. So it also helps that comfort. Another thing that you then proceed to with this is that you then try to figure out, do they want my help? Do they need my help to figure out what to do with this emotion? How they feel about it? So, you can ask, do you need me to help you figure out what to do about this? Or you can just, kind of say, okay, what is it that you think we need to do? And let's start brainstorming and let her start talking about it first. If she says, no, I'm good, or I think I've got this, then you back off of it. And this is where a lot of parents will want to immediately jump in and give advice and say, if I were you, I would do blah, blah, blah.

Or you should say XYZ to this young lady and tell her what's what. But that's not what they want. It's not what they need. They need us to be there, to sit with them in this emotion, help them realize what they felt, and let them start thinking about what they might need to do. And if they want our advice and need our advice, they will ask for it. And there you go.

 

Carol

You reminded me of something really important. So I was having a conversation with my son last week and my initial reaction was to butt in and disagree with what he was saying. But when I didn't do that, when I listened to the whole story, it's like, you know, if you've got your hands over your eyes and you can't see the full picture until you've really seen the whole picture.

 

Ann Coleman

Exactly.

 

Carol

And then once he'd explained the whole thing, what he was saying made sense. But in the first third, I was about to say, no, that's wrong or whatever. And it wasn't till the end, I was then able to see with clarity. And then also if they're, I imagine if they're initially frustrated, if you just go in with interrupting them or telling them, then they're just going to shut down and say, well, you didn't listen. You don't understand. You don't get it. And then it leads to more frustration and more breakdown of communication. Right. Right.

 

Ann Coleman

That's Exactly. Exactly. And that's what we often don't understand. We're like, well, I know better than they do. I've been in this situation. I know they're wrong. I know they need to do it this way. So why wouldn't I tell them? Why wouldn't I tell them? Well, because of just what you said. A, you're not listening. You don't get it because it doesn't matter. If we have been in the exact same situation, it was 30 years ago or whatever it was. And to them in a teenager's world, they feel like they are the first one ever experiencing the things they're experiencing. They don't know that a lot of other people are going through the same thing, have been through the same thing, because to them, their world is so small. Think about how small their world is and how few years they've been on this planet and how they don't have the perspective that we have as adults, which yeah, that, you know, it would make one think that, then we need to tell them, you know, but no, because they are not going to be convinced that we do know what we're talking about. To them, whatever experience we had was a thousand years ago and the world has changed 12 times over since then and we do not get it.

So yeah, never say, I get it, never interrupt and say, let me tell you, you don't want to do that or you don't want to say that I've been there before because they are not going to believe you and it will cause a lot of frustration because in that moment they just want somebody to listen.

They, you know, it's like a lot of times we just want to vent, right? You just want to vent. You just want to say, my God, this thing happened today. Or, or this person said this to me. You don't want somebody going, well let me tell you how to fix that. You're just mad. You just want to say it, right?

 

Carol

Definitely, and the more I think about how acutely self-aware and embarrassed I was as a teenager, feeling like everyone was staring at me, or what if I trip over, or what if this person doesn't speak to me, what if my best friend isn't at school today, what if I get in trouble, what if I forgot my homework. So there's all this pressure, and then plus everything else of, you applying to colleges and all of these things.

So is it any wonder that they feel enormously stressed and anxious? So coming home and just being able to vomit it all out and then just letting that be and not so I shouldn't just assume that I'm supposed to do something with that. Just let it all come out. Okay.

 

Ann Coleman

Absolutely. Right, listening, let them get it out and acknowledge even in like vocal sounds or words, my gosh, hmm. You know, just letting them know you're listening, those little things and then if it gets to the point where they feel like they want your input, they'll ask. But you know, acknowledging that, yeah, that's bad. Or just letting them know that, yeah, mom does kind of, she gets what I'm saying. She may not have ever had this happen before, but she's listening to me and she wants to hear what I'm saying and she's feeling for me. That's what they want.

And then if it's some big something that they need help with, then at that point, you know, we can help them problem solve. We can ask, what do you think you should do? And then start brainstorming it with them. But yeah, nine times out of 10, it's just, I call it emotional vomit. I think somebody else said that once, but it's just like, crying babies. It's just getting it all out there. And Lord knows we do that a lot, right?

 

Carol

In the last, I mean, it's cruel because your children, for me, were in the puberty and teenage years right alongside my menopause. So I felt like all of my teenage hormones started to rage again, and it was just really difficult. So I'm feeling this heightened emotion, they're feeling this heightened emotion, put the two things together.

And it was causing, you know, a lot of overwhelm for me, which was just perpetuating the cycles. And then you kind of go, okay, I'm just going to, you know, try to stop and then finding resources and finding your podcast. And that was enormously helpful. And listening to you, I can't remember which one it was, but whatever one I dipped in that it was, this woman is me - this could be me, it was really feeling understood. So, in the same way that I felt you understood me, surely that's what they want as well, right?

 

Ann Coleman

Exactly. It is, you know, and I don't think that, I mean, there just aren't many parents out there because as you said, you hear someone say this, you're like, I get it. But there aren't many of us that get it from the very beginning and are able to get all the way through adolescence with this knowledge and to be able to control our emotions and help them with their emotions, it's just almost unheard of. So, I don't want any listener to think, my God, why did I not know this stuff? Why? Because I felt the same way. Everybody feels the same way. We aren't given a manual at the hospital with a big tab that says puberty right here.

And then you're right, it's like a big cosmic joke. We are in menopause at the same time that they're going through puberty? What the hell? I mean, why? My God, why? So yeah, it's so, it is overwhelm multiplied by 10 times. And then, you know, if you have a kid with ADHD or you have a kid who has anxiety or you have a kid who's especially shy or going through things at school, it's like you said, it they're overwhelmed, they're stressed out and then we're overwhelmed. We've got our hormones, you know, at the door and we can't handle it.

And so everybody just has to, well, we really, because we're the parent, we're the one with the you know, finished prefrontal cortex at least. We've got that going for us. It's not a lot some days, but we got that going for us. So, we're like, okay, I gotta take a breath here and stop and think, where's my cheat sheet? You know, what podcast did I listen to? Where's that book with that paragraph underlined? You know, what is it that I need to do? Because guess what? They're not going to melt and fall, you know, go through the cracks of the floor in the meantime. We can take a breath, we can take a pause, figure it out, and then come back. And that's what, I mean, that's what I never thought was possible. I never understood this is not an emergency. I always felt like, right, everything's an emergency.

 

Carol

Yes, why is it like up to 100 and me and I know and that's me. It's not them. It's me. Yeah.

 

Ann Coleman

Mm -hmm. Yeah, because we feel like if they're having a problem, we are here to fix it and they're yelling in front of us or they're melting down in front of us. We're the one that's supposed to fix it. We're the adult here. We've got to fix this. I mean, I can remember, I can remember when my son was an infant and, know, in the car seat in the back or in the little bucket thing and would be throwing a fit and crying and screaming and all of that same angst, that pressure on my chest, that, my God, what's going on? I've got to fix this. He's in pain or something. He's going to die. And I would pull over on the side of the road. Yeah, and try. So, it's the same thing. It's we, we, you know, and a lot of us, I think have that personality. We might have a tendency towards anxiety.

 

Carol

Me too.

 

Ann Coleman

Maybe we're fixers, maybe we're people pleasers. There's all kinds of reasons why this could come out in us. But if I had another child now, a crying infant, mean, it would be so cool. I could so handle it now. But then every cry, every grunt, I couldn't sleep when he took a nap because even his little grunts in his sleep would go like a shiver up my spine and it was horrible. We're doing the same thing now. We're freaking out because it's that little shiver, that little grunt. Then we’re like, my God, my God, what do need to do? I need to fix it, my gosh. So, I mean, does that resonate with you? Do you see what I'm saying?

 

Carol

Most definitely, most definitely. And that while you were talking, I was thinking, so when kids are little, they have different tasks to learn. So they got to learn how to hold a pen or to read or to tie their shoes up or something. So they've mastered those skills. So when you're coming into adolescence, is it that...the new lessons are things that are perhaps not so tangible. So it's not the same as learning to drive or, that's another question, but yeah, that was the whole thing, yeah. But is it that, why would I possibly expect them to be emotionally mature or know these things? Just because they sound grown up and they're saying these things, it's like they're trying out the different feelings and emotions until they truly understand it in themselves.

 

Ann Coleman

Yeah. Well, and plus, mean, of course we have the brain thing going on, but they, you we do, we look at them, they look mature, they look like adults, they're able to have conversations with us that they didn't used to have, you know, they're quite intelligent and, you know, they know a lot of things. So we automatically assume that they should be able to do this, this, this and the other thing because they can do these things. So why can't they make really good decisions about what to do and what not to do. Why can they make an A on a physics test, yet they can't pick up the wet towel out of the bathroom floor?

So we have to understand that this brain growth from infancy to adulthood is not linear. It is not linear. So they're not just learning simple tasks all the way through until they get the massive tasks at the end. They are learning a little bit then they're going over here because their brain is taking them over here because it's not functioning the way it used to as a child. So they're learning a lot faster and they're learning a lot better, but there are so many not so good things that they can learn at the same time. So they're taking these little detours and they're trying things out because their brain is telling them, hey, you're an adult, although we know they're not. And so their brain is saying they're an adult. And so they're, and their, their thinking, their cognitive reality is that they can understand certain things better than they used to be able to. And they are able to think about their own thinking and they're able to think about other people and what that person might be thinking.

So there's a lot going on in there. And so they start trying to show us what they get like I know this thing and I know that thing and I have an opinion now and I have opinions different from you. So I'm going to throw out all these crazy things because I just want to have a different opinion about it. And so there's just so much going on that is so tempting for us as a parent, as an adult to go, my God, they are out of control. They are out of their mind. They are so irrational. They'll never be able to make it as an adult because they just can't make good decisions. And so we kind of panic because they're not there yet, but they're not supposed to be there yet. They are nowhere near there yet. They have another, you know, if you've got a 13 year old, you've got another 12 or maybe even 15 years to go until they, you know, get it.

So it's about paying attention to what they're saying, what they are meaning underneath it, realizing that their brain works differently, realizing that they are going to learn these things in good time with our help, but they are not going to learn it in one lesson. They are not going to make one mistake and then go, I've got it. Now I know I'll never drive over the speed limit again. I got a ticket for that.

No, no, no, no, no. They may have to get three or four tickets. They may have to have their car taken away. You know, these... But we can't expect as a parent that they're going to get it on that first try. Or as some parents, we can't expect that they're never going to make that mistake. Because guess what? We made mistakes. We still make mistakes. They are always going to make mistakes. Mistakes are how we learn. We don't...you know, come out of the womb knowing how to drive a car. we, you know, so we, we have to learn these things and baby steps. So yeah, I think one of the big things is that as a parent of a teenager, especially as they get older and older, we look at them and we're like, why can't you do this yet? You should be able to do this. So we get the shoulds going. And when we get the shoulds going, that creates conflict because then instead of having empathy and helping them understand how to do things and teaching them how to do things, we're blaming them for not yet knowing how to do it perfectly well. And we make that big jump.

 

Carol

Definitely. And I think for me personally, historically, I haven't had a lot of patience. So patience is a virtue and I really need to work on that a lot, definitely. And I was thinking about something while you were talking with, it's the, it's the notion of fault, which I think builds a barrier. And then once I started to ask myself, you know, being trapped in the fault is a bad place. And I was listening to something recently that said, as a parent, I chose to become a parent twice over. So even though it's not my fault, it is my responsibility, right? So responsibility for my part is a big part of it. So I need to accept that. And then that takes away the edge of you ought to blame your bad mother, you're a bad person. No, I'm just a person who's perhaps doing badly today.

 

Ann Coleman

Well, yeah, we have to give ourselves grace for that because no one just like we're giving them grace for not having it all figured out yet, we have to do the same for ourselves. We have to have compassion for the fact that we're doing the best we can in this moment, just like our teenager is doing the best they can in that moment. And, you know, if we start beating ourselves up about things, and start feeling guilty and start taking blame or blaming them, that is just going to create more emotional angst within us, which will just make us more reactive.

So yeah, we have to give ourselves grace. We have to say, look, I'm a human. And this is a good thing to model for your kids is to, if you make a mistake and you yell or you interrupt or you do something you're not supposed to, go back and you repair that. We call that rupture and repair. When there's been a little rupture, you go back and you say, you know what, I should not have said that. I was really upset. And I think I was upset because of, you know, blah, blah, blah. If you wanted to say that, but I am sorry. I should not have reacted that way. I'm ready to listen now if you want to talk about it, but I understand if you don't because I kind of messed that up, but I want you to know I'm trying, I'm going to do my best to do better next time. And then you have to do better next time because, you know, it doesn't do much good to apologize and then not do better.

 

Carol

Definitely, because words can be empty and I'm absolutely one for, you know, over the years going to them and saying, I did a bad job today. I'm sorry that I shouted at you. I'm sorry this thing happened. I didn't do well. I'm sorry. I love you. But then being trapped in a cycle of, you know, the over and over again, then you go, okay, I really have to stop. And what you said about repair, I think is really important. I was thinking it's like a, what's the word, an analogy. I was watching a dad on a bike and he had one of those little things in the back where you pull the toddler along. So I was just watching him and he was quite expertly navigating through the road. But I thought, well, what if you didn't know where to go? What if you're like a bad parent who wasn't taught these things and you end up with a puncture? Do you keep going and it's just getting worse and worse or do you pull over?

And you make the repair and then you're able to carry on again because the kid’s still in the back waiting for you to continue the journey, where are they going to go? You're in charge, you're in the driver's seat, you know, and then finding the way to move forward.

Ann Coleman

Yes. My God, that's a perfect analogy. I love that analogy. I need you to make analogies for me. I'm terrible at analogies, but that is perfect because you're right. Yeah, we have to stop. We have to make the repair. We're still in charge and we have to figure out which direction to go. I think that's a wonderful analogy. Thank you. This has been such a wonderful conversation. I swear. I appreciate you coming on and having these questions and I look forward to being able to coach you further and talk to you some more. Thank you so much.

 

Carol

Thank you, Anne. All of your advice is really great. I just love everything that you've learned and you're able to share with everyone. And it's just making so much more sense to me. So I'll try to be patient with myself, keep learning, and in the same way, like having the cheat sheet, if they can't remember how to do it.

 

Ann Coleman

Yay.

 

Carol

in the same way I can't remember every word or solution. So just getting into those good habits and having it there. So thank you. Thank you, Anne.

 

Ann Coleman

Right.

 

Ann Coleman

Exactly.

 

Ann Coleman

You are so welcome.

Alright, that’s it for Speaking of Teens today. Thanks so much for sticking around until the end. I really hope my conversation with Carol helped you understand a bit more about what might be happening between you and your teen. I certainly don’t want you to feel as alone as I once did, while going through things that so many of us experience when parenting our teens and tweens.

And if you’d like to help me help other parents like you, I’d be ever so grateful if you’d share the podcast with others as often as you can. The show is reaching thousands of parents all over the world, but with your help, we can make a difference for millions. I hope you’ll help me.

If you’d like support in your journey right now, come join our Facebook group – the link is at the very bottom of the episode description right where you’re listening now. There’re so many wonderfully supportive and kind parents in the group just waiting to help you.

And, until next time, remember to connect with your teen in some small way, each and every day.

 

If you’re a regular listener, I really appreciate you tuning in each week =  and if you’re new here, welcome, I hope you’ll go back to the very beginning and work your way through the episodes and come back each week for more.

Please consider joining us in the Speaking of Teens Facebook group for a wonderful community of very supportive and knowledgeable parents – the link is at the very bottom of the episode description right where you’re listening now.

And, until next time, remember to connect with your teen in some small way, each and every day.