This is the 5^th episode in my ongoing series on teens and substance use. You can listen to episodes 175 through 178 to catch up when you can.

I would venture a guess that your teen’s peer group is extremely important to you. If you approve of that peer group and feel they’re a “good influence” then all is well with the world. But if you discover that one or more of those kids is drinking, using marijuana or vaping nicotine, then you probably get a bit nervous. Depending on the situation, you might get really anxious – even fearful about your teen hanging out with these friends.

Today I want to talk to you about just how much influence peers actually have on your teen’s behavior regarding substances and what role you play in this dynamic. Stay Tuned.

PODCAST INTRO

There’s no doubt that substance use for adolescents begins in social situations with peers. Teens don’t generally steel away to their bedrooms with a vape pen to try weed for the first time. They’ve had the opportunity to try it first with friends.

I’ve talked about the teen brain’s revved up reward system many times – including in episode 175 if you want to go back and listen. Let’s just say that whenever there are two or more adolescents together, the risky business factor increases dramatically. Peer acceptance is as rewarding to the teen brain as actually using a substance is. Peers are therefore “influential” not in just the ways we think, but our kids are more willing to do things with peers to make sure they’re an accepted part of the group.

This means that your teen is more likely to use substances when around other teens who are at the time using substances, even if no one is actively encouraging them to or making fun of them for not joining in.

Of course, there are still instances where a kid will overtly try to talk a friend into trying something or having one more beer or another hit off a weed vape, but more often than not, it’s the internal motivation of fitting in and being liked, that influences teens to use substances.

But the issue of peer influence is more nuanced than this. As I mentioned earlier in this series, research shows that an adolescent’s perception of their peers’ substance use, influences their own substance use. If they believe everyone is drinking, they’re more likely to drink. If they believe few people are drinking, they’re less likely to drink. And if they’re hanging out with a group of kids using substances, it may also seem to them that everyone is using substances (even though the statistics disprove that theory)

There’s also research to indicate that teens actually choose friends who are more like them and have the same attitudes towards using substances as they do – especially if they’re already using substances, they’re going to choose to hang out with peers who also use substances.  Additionally, research has shown that if teens perceive their peers to disapprove of substances, they are less likely themselves to use them. So, peers can be a positive influence as well.

So, your teen’s perception of the number of teens using substances in their community,  overall, their need to be accepted by a group that may be using, their choice of friends who are more like them, all combine to create the this “peer influence” dynamic.

I think this is really helpful for you to understand the soup that goes into the peer influence mix here. It’s really very easy for us to blame the friend group or one particular kid for influencing our own. And in some cases that may the case.

But I know, for example, my son’s personality, his temperament, a genetic component, his ADHD, his anxiety all played a significant role in his decision to start using marijuana. He gravitated toward the boys he knew were bigger risk-takers. His personality is that of a risk-taker and his ADHD and anxiety magnified it.

I do blame myself for allowing him to hang out with this one kid (and to this day, I don’t want to even hear his name) but my son just recently pointed out to me that the trouble they got into was as much my son’s idea or fault as it was that other kid’s.

The bottom line is, we get the kid we get, and they come straight from the manufacturer with features that we can’t do a lot about. The parents of those other kids that we worry about – they’re in the same boat. They can only do so much and they’re likely doing the best they know how – just like you are.

Our teens make the decisions they make because of their built-in features and the changes going on in their brain, together with the influences all around them. But it’s rarely 100% those other kids’ fault. We’ll come back to this shortly.

 

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Parents

As I said a minute ago, research also shows a connection between peer disapproval of substances and a lower possibility of teen substance use.

Both peer and parent disapproval is seen as what researchers call a “protective factor” for substance use in adolescents – teens are less likely to use substances when peers or parents disapprove of substance use.

One large study that looked at the issue of disapproval of substance use from both peers and parents, added one other factor to the mix – the teen’s confidant. They asked the teens whether they were more likely to confide in their parent or a friend about any serious problem.

They found that the protective factor of parental disapproval was not as impactful in teens who indicated they were more likely to confide in a friend about a serious problem than a parent.

But for teens who said they were more likely to confide in a parent than a friend, the likelihood of substance use decreased.

I know that’s kind of confusing. They’re saying teens who have parents who make it clear they disapprove of substances, on the average are going to be less likely to use substances than those teens who do not have parents who say they disapprove. That, of course, makes sense, right.

BUT if those teens say they’re more likely to confide in a parent rather than a friend, that protective factor jumps up and that teen is even less likely to use substances than the ones who choose their friend as a confidant.

Do you see what that means? It means of course, make your disapproval for using substances known in no uncertain terms to your teen. It does make a difference.

But it’s also saying that the stronger connection you have with your teen, the more difference it will make – the more likely they are to forgo substances.

Being able to trust you and confide in you is a sign of your connectedness, of the influence you have in their life, an indication that they want to do what you want to them do. That is what makes a bigger difference in their behavior.

Here’s another interesting tidbit for you - research has even shown the impact of a peer’s parent’s parenting style on an adolescent’s attitude about substances. Your kid’s friend’s mom could influence your teen’s attitude about whether or not to drink, vape or smoke weed.

One study showed that an adolescent who (quote) “has a friend whose mother is authoritative (that’s kind but firm – what I talk about on this podcast), that adolescent is 40% less likely to drink to the point of drunkenness, 38% less likely to binge drink, 39% less likely to smoke cigarettes, and 43% less likely to use marijuana than an adolescent whose friend’s mother is neglectful.”

This was a study from 2012 which is likely why they mention cigarettes rather than vaping. The researchers simply concluded that there may be more influences at play with substance use that solely an adolescent’s peers or their own parents.

If you take all this research together, it clearly shows that parents can absolutely impact and even counteract their teen’s potential substance use - potentially even if they have substance approving peers.

The key is what I preach – being a warm and kind parent, focused on connection and guidance over consequences or punishment – an authoritative parent, a parent who monitors their teen, make their concerns known, works with their teen to solve problems, allows them to make mistakes and suffer natural consequences (when it isn’t life-altering).

Kids with authoritative parents do better than other kids across the board – academically, socially, mentally, and are less likely to hang out with “the wrong crowd” (kids involved in delinquent behavior).

I also believe this study about friend’s parents (well, here the mother) points to the importance of knowing your kid’s friends and the kids’ parents. Be firm about this. Insist on contact information so you can get to know these other parents.

They’d probably like that as well but are nervous about reaching out or have given in to their teen’s pleas to hang back.

Form a network among parents of your kid’s friends. Start a group text or a WhatsApp group so you can get to know each other and keep tabs on the kids together.

The bottom line here is that yes, your kids peers can and do influence them in more ways than one – even down to their peers’ parents. But you also have an enormous opportunity to be influential, not only in their substance use decisions, but all decisions. I’ll link to my foundations series where I talk about all the basics you need to understand about the best parenting practices.

 

Most significantly, I want you to know that these parenting practices work together to address problematic teen behavior. It’s extremely difficult to single out an issue like dealing with teens, peers and substance use and give an across the board prescriptive to parents without addressing everything else: understanding how their brain works and why they do what they do so you can have more empathy and change your mind set about it, the importance of supporting your teen’s autonomy, proper communication, emotion coaching, regulating your own thoughts, emotions, and behavior, building a rapport with your teen and focusing on positive interactions over negative, guiding and teaching more than consequencing…all of these things are necessary if you want to strengthen the connection with your teen so that you can actually influence their behavior.

If I just tell you that it’s important for you to become your teen’s confidant because that will decrease their likelihood for using substances – where would you even start? Teens make their parent their confidant and feel comfortable sharing with them because of their connection. And you can’t have a strong connection without all those things I just mentioned – supporting your teen’s autonomy, proper communication and so on.

This is the whole reason I created Parent Camp – so you can get all of this in one place and understand how one things builds on another.

But check out the podcasts and other resources I list in the show notes to this episode and it will certainly help you improve the relationship with your teen or tween.

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Now, I said earlier that our teens do what they do because of many factors, including influence from peers - and that it’s rarely 100% those other kids’ fault. But obviously, that probably doesn’t make you feel any better about your teen hanging out with the kid who seems to always be instigating or causing problems.

So, the big question is what can you do about peers that you don’t feel are a good influence on your teen? And I can tell you right now, you’re probably not going to like the answer (but you kinda’ already knew that didn’t you?)

Again, consider what I said about “influence”. These kids are likely not forcing your kid to do anything he or she isn’t inclined to do already – whether with these kids or possibly other kids. Yes, it’s more likely things are going to happen when teens are with other teens – but it could just as easily be other teens. Your teen is getting something out of hanging out with these particular kids. He or she feels accepted – special even. You can’t fight that – you simply can’t change who your teen wants to be friends with.

As a matter of fact, if you try it the way most parents do, you will not succeed and you will make things worse.

First, your teen will take personal offense and defend that friend to the death, if you come right out and criticize them or forbid your teen from hanging out with them. Criticizing your teen’s friends is the same as criticizing them. They chose this person to be their friend and you’re telling them they made a bad decision! You might as well be saying, “you’re such a loser for picking such a crappy friend”.

Additionally, criticizing that friend will likely make them an even shinier object in your teen’s mind. If you don’t like them, that must mean that they should. And forbidding your teen from being friends with them also threatens their autonomy. Remember, by this age, the telling is over. They’re going to make up their own mind about things and you’d better be on their good side, so they want to do things the way they think you want them to. And that doesn’t happen by giving them directives, orders or commands.

The first thing that enters your teen’s mind when you say, “absolutely not” is  “that’s what you think”. You can bet that if you tell them they can’t hang out with this person that they are going to become highly adept at doing just that – behind your back – lying to you about it every step of the way. Because, remember this, they’re at school all day long, they do things out from under your roof and presumably, you don’t have them followed to see who they’re hanging out with or who they talk to at school. So, the truth of the matter is that unless you want to put your teen under house arrest, forbidding them to hang out with certain people will just cause disconnection and discord between you and your teen, which only decreases your influence with them and makes them even more likely to hang out with those folks.

Plus, if your teen is doing the same things these kids are doing, some of their friends parents may be thinking and feeling the same way about your teen. And is your teen a bad kid? Of course not. Maybe they’ve made some mistakes, but what teenager hasn’t right? Exactly.

So, what if you were to give these other kids a chance? What if you could be an influence on them as well as your own teen? If you don’t trust these other kids or find them less than stellar influences on your teen, then I would suggest getting to know them better by inviting them into your home.  Maybe they need a positive parenting role model (remember the study from a minute ago?) Perhaps they don’t have that at home, and you could actually change their life for the better while keeping an eye on your own teen in your home? As I’ve said before, make your home the hang out, get to know those friends, do what you can to influence the whole group.

Something else I’ve suggested in other episodes is helping your teen expand their friend groups. Encourage activities in addition to what they’re currently involved in – things where they can meet new friends. Let them tell you what they might be interested in trying. What’s available in your area? Are you close to a beach where they could learn surfing? Are you in the mountains where they could try rock climbing? Are they outdoorsy, artsy, musically inclined? Feed those passions and they will likely meet other teens into the same things. The same for getting them involved in local youth organizations, volunteer opportunities, anything that will get them out and meeting other people.

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What else can you do? How can you talk to your teen about their choice of friends without putting them on the defensive and totally shooting yourself in the foot?

You can always talk to them about the specific concerns you have about this friend (and they better be specific because “I have a bad feeling about them” is not enough.) Address individual issues as they come up, in the most diplomatic way possible.

For example, if they’ve been arrested, gotten in trouble for substances at school, gotten a ticket for driving under the influence – those sorts of things are very concerning if your child is hanging out with them and you have a duty to bring them up and try to come up with a mutual agreement about keeping them safe if at all possible.

State your concerns specifically and briefly, remind them it’s your job to keep them safe, and then ask them for ideas about doing that if they’re going to continue hanging out with this person.

For example, “I’m really concerned about Sasha’s arrest for possession of marijuana. I’m especially concerned that it was in her car since I know you ride with her a lot. What do you suggest we do right now about you guys hanging out together?”

You’re hoping they’ll suggest that they not ride in the car with her but if they don’t get there, that’s exactly what you can say - “until I can see that Sasha’s making better decisions, I think it’s best that you at least not ride in the car with her.” Let your teen know that you trust them to make good decisions but that you don’t know what sort of decisions the other person will make and that you just can’t leave that to chance.

As always, listen, reflect and validate whatever feelings they have about it, while holding firm in your decision.

 

What if you just don’t get a good feeling about these other teens? They haven’t gotten into any specific trouble, but you’ve heard rumors or you just don’t like what you see even after given them a chance? As with anything else, try to get to the why behind your teen’s behavior. Try to understand why they want to hang out with these particular friends.

Again, be very careful not to sound like you’re criticizing. “So, what do you and Jake have in common?” “What is it about Roland that makes you want to be friends?” “Tell me about Amber and Madison – how do you feel when you’re around them?”

You may discover there are some very valid reasons your teen likes these kids. Maybe they’ve been especially loyal or maybe they give them confidence or just make them feel accepted.

On the other hand, these questions may give them an opportunity to really examine their relationships and start thinking about how they want to move forward.  But that will never happen if you openly criticize or forbid the friendship.

So, the big takeaways here are:

It’s not necessarily all those other teens

You cannot force your teens into another friend group by criticizing or forbidding this one – you will make things much, much worse.

Instead, work on your connection with them so you’ll be their number 1 confidant, try to get to know those friends, invite them into your home, influence them positively the best way you can, set firm boundaries for your own teen, reiterating their safety and your disapproval for their use of substances, and guide them into making the best choices they can – knowing that mistakes will likely happen at some point.

Just make sure they know you love them no matter their mistakes – and that you’ll always be by their side.

Alright – that’s it for today’s episode of Speaking of Teens. Thank you for sticking around the end – I hope I’ve helped you a bit because I need your help to reach even more parents so I can help them become more equipped to manage adolescence too.

So, if you will, please, do me a favor and share this podcast with all of your friends, co-workers, people at your place of worship, whomever you know who has a teen, tween or almost tween. We’re reaching thousands of people around the globe, with more and more tuning in every day – but with your help, I can reach millions. Help me get this information out there.

And, of course, if you need more support, please join us in the Facebook Group – you can just click the link at the bottom of the episode description and come on in!

Now, until next time, remember, try and connect with your teen in some small way, each and every day.