This episode is #4 in my series on adolescent substance use. At this point, before listening to this episode, I would actually recommend that you go back and have a listen to episodes 175, 176, and 177 because I’ll be referring to some of that information today.

There’s a lot to understand here – because this is such a multi-faceted issue: “What to do when you find out your kid’s drinking or smoking weed or vaping? What do you say? Do you give them consequences? Where do you go from here?

So, be ready to save this episode, make notes or click on the transcript when we’re finished, because you’re going to get some step by step help today. Don’t go anywhere.

PODCAST INTRO

First of all, let me just say that if you missed the signs or feel like you should have monitored your teen better or you didn’t realize they were at risk or you feel like you’ve been lied to or taken advantage of…you’re devastated or angry or shocked or hurt - if you never, ever, in a million years expected this to happen with YOUR child, - I can assure you, you’re not alone, you’re not the first or only parent to have had these thoughts or had these feelings when discovering their kid is doing something risky.

Whatever you’re thinking or feeling about this right now, please be compassionate with yourself. Only talk to yourself the way a good friend might. This stuff is hard and can really take you down if you let it.

Remind yourself that you won’t feel this way forever, that you’re educating yourself right now and learning what you need to know to tackle this like the loving parent you are. Okay?

Now, I’m going to assume here that you’ve seen some of the warning signs, or that you’ve actually found physical evidence of their use – either by mistake or by doing your due diligence.

I’m going to also assume that you understand how their brain’s reward system and prefrontal cortex interact to make this type of behavior happen so often, and that you understand there are many valid reasons why your teen is doing this. Their behavior makes perfect sense to them. (Again, go back and listen to episodes 175-177).

Let’s talk about some guidelines for this conversation.

1. Even if you’ve found some sort of physical evidence, please don’t think of this as a confrontation but a conversation. You will get nowhere fast if you’re more concerned about having “caught them red-handed” or having caught them in a lie. That’s not what this is about. This is about your kid’s safety, their mental health and your connection with them. You have to look beyond the outward behavior – that’s just a symptom of what’s going on underneath.

 

2. Don’t try to talk to your teen about their substance use when they’re obviously under the influence. If they come home and you see the signs, make sure they get to bed safely and save any conversation until at least the next day.

 

3. Similarly, don’t try to have a conversation when you’re upset or angry (like right after you’ve discovered something). Again, wait until later, after you’ve calmed down and had time to talk to your coparent, think things through and present a united front if possible. Remember, this conversation is about the love you have for your child, the fact that you want them to have a great life, you want them to stay safe – anger is just your outward emotion – underneath, you’re likely afraid for them. That’s okay, but just don’t let either of these emotions take over your brain. You’re doing this out of love.

 

4. Understand that their behavior is not a sign of weakness, a character flaw, a sign of immorality, nor does it mean they are necessarily headed down a bad path. Withhold judgment – this type of thinking will impact the way you feel and the way you treat them and if they feel judged, your conversation will certainly not go anywhere but downhill.

 

5. Also tell yourself that every kid who tries a substance does not develop a substance use disorder. It’s true that it’s much easier in adolescence for this to happen, but it’s not a given – even with one or more risk factors. So, calm your nerves with this information and don’t let fear take over.

 

Now, let’s talk about the actual conversation.

One of the primary goals here is to figure out what they’re getting out of using the substance – why did they try it or why are they using it.

As I said in episode 175, their behavior makes sense to them, they’re getting something out of using the substance – and that’s important for you to grasp.

Do they feel it helps alleviate their anxiety, their boredom or stress? Does it help them feel more empowered, less inhibited, more grown up? Do they feel more accepted or more part of the group? Or do they simply enjoy the way it makes them feel – they think it’s fun?

If you know the why, you can work with them to possibly fill that need in a different way. If they do it because of anxiety, get them mental health support. If they do it to be accepted, help them find additional friend groups (maybe through a religious organization, a hobby or extracurricular activity). If they do it because of school stress, help them figure out how they can lessen that stress. You’re looking for a more constructive substitute for the substance that makes sense to them and may even replace the reward their getting from it.

Understanding why they’re using – that there’s a really good reason for their behavior - can also help you feel less fear or anger and empower you to actually help them rather than just wanting to punish them for it. And it can help you take their actions less personally. One of the places our brain often goes is “how can they do this to me…to the family? Or how can they be so irresponsible or gross? But – this isn’t about any of that.

Another goal is to try your best to talk to them in a way that makes them feel less like they’re “in the hot seat”. If you can take a drive or go for a walk or do something together if will feel better to them (and therefore they will be less likely to react in anger). Don’t plan on a “sit down” talk in the living room, face to face (with notes) – casual and side by side is best – they’ll be more at ease and more likely to open up.

Start the conversation by telling them what you’ve noticed followed by something like, “What’s up”? or “What happened?”. For example, “I noticed you’re eyes were really dilated last night, you weren’t steady on your feet, and I smelled smoke on your clothes and hair. What happened?”

And if you want them to actually tell you what happened, so you can help them, you’re going to have to grant them immunity.

Doling out consequences will do less for the situation than learning the truth. What’s happened has already happened. You can talk about the possibility of consequences if it happens again. But the main reason teens do not confide in their parents, don’t ask for help or ask for advice or confess, is because they don’t want to get in trouble, they don’t want the same old tired lecture, they don’t want to be judged or shamed or made to feel like they’re Satan’s spawn. They don’t want their phone taken away or to lose all privileges for a month.

So, be very clear with them – “I just want the truth – I am not going to yell, judge you, punish you or in any way think less of you or love you any less – I love you no matter what. But we have to at least talk about this, okay? So, what happened?”

Now, if your teen does start to talk and open up, you must listen carefully – give them 1000% of your attention. Do nothing else. And resist every temptation to jump in and correct what they’ve said or argue or defend yourself if they somehow manage to do what teens do and make this your fault somehow.

Make sure they understand you’re listening. Nod, say a word here and there – “really?” “Wow”. If you need to ask questions to clarify some key fact, you can do that, but this isn’t 20-questions and if you don’t really need to know it, don’t ask.

When they finish, summarize what they’ve said so they know you heard them, and ask something like, “do I have that right?”

Acknowledge how they felt at the time, “I can see why you felt embarrassed” or “I totally get how scary that was for you.”

And putting your hand on their shoulder or giving them a hug or touching them on the hand – any sort of comforting touch can go a long way here as well. It helps them calm down if they get upset or it will help them remain calm and shows them you care – that you care about their feelings and that you meant it when you said you love them and aren’t going to be angry.

Now, when you talk next, you want to make sure they understand that you’re job is to make sure they’re safe and healthy and to that end, you have some concerns about them vaping or using weed or drinking. And this is where you need to have some facts and understand a bit about these substances and the issues they cause for adolescents. I’ll link to some other informational episodes for you to check out and other resources as well – and will have other episodes in this series.

Don’t turn this into a lecture, but you could mention any risk factors they have for substance use or a disorder, including genetic factors. Explain how the adolescent brain can grab onto a substance and turn it into a disorder really quickly, where it will change the function and structure of the brain and make it more likely the will become addicted in adulthood.

This is also when you’ll want to try and get to the bottom of why they feel the need to use the substance – again, no judgment, let them talk, listen, etc. You may be able to make suggestions then for how you can help or you may need to tell them you both need to think about it and talk some more.

Also be sure to reiterate your expectations that they not use the substance. Research shows that teens with parents who let their feelings known about substance use and have firm rules about it, are less likely to use substances. Let them know, in no uncertain terms, that you don’t approve, you can’t allow it, and determine (with them if at all possible) what the logical consequences are if they do it again.

Again, we’re assuming this is your first or one of the first conversations you’ve had with them. If they’ve just started something, you’ll want to take this hard stance, let them know that you understand they may be around it and may be tempted to use it, but your goal is to keep them healthy and safe and that you have to draw a line in the sand – no use at all.

Help them come up with ways to get around using, a code where they can text you and you’ll come pick them up. I talk about refusal skills like this in episode 114 about vaping – the same stuff apply here.

Also, it’s also important to let them know that you want to keep talking about this. That you know they are going to be caught in difficult situations or may just want to do it again. So, make sure they know that you want to help them figure things out, that you’re always there for them, that you don’t want them to be afraid of you if they make a mistake – that your goal is never going to be to punish them, but to help them.

It’s a fine line to walk when you’re saying, “don’t do it or there will be consequences” but “hey if you do, I want you to know my goal is safety, not punishment, and you can talk to me about it.”

This is why I lean more towards talk and connection and working on solutions over issuing consequences. Sometimes it may be necessary to do so – especially if they’re putting their physical safety at risk and just don’t get it - but if you can avoid consequences and work together on mutually agreeable solutions, it will likely work out so much better in the end.

Now, unfortunately, the way you discuss your teen’s use may change at some point. And we can talk about this in a later episode. If your child has already developed a habit of using, and your “hard line” includes lots of consequences, scolding and lecturing, things are going to get worse, not better. You will build a wall between you where communication is impossible - you’ll be too disconnected and your teen will want to do anything but confide in you, listen to you, or ask for your help.

At that point, the conversations will still focus on reiterating your concerns about the harms of substance use, while also making sure you’re communicating openly about harm reduction (like not driving, not putting it in your backpack, etc.)

The bottom line is, you can make rules and issue consequences all day long, but you can’t be with your teenager 24/7 and you must depend on that communication and connection to influence them and keep them safe.

The important thing to remember about this initial conversation if you’ve just discovered your teen has used substances, is that it’s not the end of life as you know it. Do not let this take you down. Your child is still your child – they’ve made a mistake and they make it again, but you can help them make better choices in the future.

Remember, this isn’t about punishment – it’s about working with them to figure out why they used it (or are using it), and what they can substitute for it, while showing them they can trust you, tell you anything and count on you to be there for them and keep on loving them - even when they’re not behaving exactly the way you’d like them to. You can do this. They can do this, with your help.

Alright – that’s it for today’s episode of Speaking of Teens. I want to thank you for making it to the end and I hope you’ve gotten some actionable advice out of the show. If you want to help me, help parents everywhere to be more equipped to manage adolescence, please, do me a favor and share this podcast with all your friends, your yoga class, people from the gym, whomever needs it. As I’ve said, I’m reaching thousands of people all over the world, thousands more each month, but let’s work together to reach millions. Parents need this information and I want more than anything to get it out there for everyone.

And if you need more help, please join us in the Facebook Group – you can just click the link at the bottom of the episode description and come on in!

Now, until next time, remember, try and connect with your teen in some small way, each and every day.