Today’s episode is the third in my series on adolescent substance use. You can go back and start at the beginning with episode #175 or stay right here - they aren’t in any certain order.

Whether you’re concerned that your teen may be using substances, know they are, or you don’t think they ever would, this episode is for you.

Because today I’m going to talk to you about monitoring your teens – what that even means and whether it can make a difference and what signs to look for that might indicate your teen is using substances. This is important – stay with me.

PODCAST INTRODUCTION

Let me just say first that what I’m talking about here really can’tt be considered in a vacuum. Monitoring, knowing the signs – these things must happen within the context of maintaining a strong connection with your teen. If you’re missing that connection, monitoring will not work.

Every scientific and expert resource I’ve ever consulted about substance use in teens stresses the critical nature of our relationship with them – our connection.

As I’ve said many times on this podcast, your connection with your teen is what allows you remain an influence in their life. Without it, you can make all the rules you want, you can scold, reprimand, and consequence them until your blue in the face and none of it will do you any good. By the time they hit puberty, you can’t force them to do anything anymore without building antagonism and disconnection. They’re too big to pick up and carry to the car or put them in time-out. They have to want to cooperate with you. They have to trust you and feel you have their back, that you’ll listen to them and try to understand, that you won’t judge them or criticize them, that you’ll support them emotionally and guide them through all the stressful and scary issues they face.

They don’t want a boss or a manager now – they want a calm, wise and steady guide who treats them with dignity and respect, who’s interested in learning about them as an individual, not a child, who wants to understand what they want out of life instead of forcing their own agenda on them. If you can manage this, you have exponentially raised your chances of being able to protect them from so many of the risky behaviors they might otherwise engage in. Monitoring will be much easier because they’ll know they can share what’s going on in their life – they’ll know you won’t freak out – that you’ll be their safe haven – the person they know they can count on for emotional support and guidance and sage advice when they ask for it.

Go back and listen to my series on connection in episodes 104, 106, 108 and 110.

So, that’s where you start – with your connection. And I’m going to assume you’re working on that as I discuss parental monitoring.

We know that the right kind of monitoring makes a difference. Research tells us that teens whose parents employ effective monitoring are less likely to engage in risky behaviors like having sex at an early age, smoking, drinking, using drugs, skipping  school or being physically injured – they’re also more likely to have better mental health.

Research also shows that teens who believe their parents disapprove of a certain risky behavior, are less likely to be involved in that behavior. Again, the stronger your connection, the more likely this is also to be true. Additionally, you have to communicate your disapproval through clearly stating your expectations about such behavior. You can’t simply assume they know what you do and don’t approve of.

Before we get into the nuts and bolts, I want you to remember that every teen is different. Review those risk factors I talked about in the previous episode - #176. It’s important to be aware. But, as I said then, having one or even multiple risk factors doesn’t mean your child will definitely have a substance issue, but it does mean that they should understand those risks, they should receive the support they need and that you should be vigilant. Part of that vigilance, of course, is proper monitoring.

Monitoring, in the sense that we’re using it here regarding substance use, includes a) making clear your expectations for their behavior, b) the specific steps you’ll take to keep track of what’s going on with your teen, and c) your response when your teen doesn’t meet your expectations (aka – breaks a rule). We’re going to get more into detail about c in later episodes.

We’re not just talking about monitoring apps or looking through their phone here – there’s much more to it than that here.

And make no mistake, teens need as much if not more monitoring than toddlers and young kids. As they say, “bigger kids, bigger issues” and it’s true. The stakes are high so we must be at the peak of our parental game. To understand why this is the case, go back and listen to episode 130-132

So, let’s talk about some specific things you can do to make sure you’re monitoring your teen as well as possible (in addition to all of the things you need to do to stay connected).

1. Again, I’ll reiterate setting clear expectations - discussing and agreeing on very specific rules for behavior and enforcing these expectations through kind but firm teaching and guiding, natural consequences and potentially logical consequences. Staying consistent here is so very important. You should be flexible and use common sense, but overall, you cannot give your teen conflicting ideas about what’s expected of them. Don’t change the narrative on them – they should never be confused about what your response to a certain behavior would be.
2. Get to know your teen’s friends. The best way to do this is to be the place where they hang out. Do what you can to promote that. It’s always best that you’re home is where the kids congregate. It’s certainly easier to monitor their activities if they’re under your roof.
3. Make sure to know what your teen is doing and where they’ll be and who they’ll be with. This is the bulk of actually “monitoring” them. But don’t just ask the basic questions. Find out if parents will be there, who’s driving, how they’re getting home. You should have clearly communicated rules about all of these things, which should be negotiated and agreed upon in advance if at all possible.
4. Get to know the parents of your teen’s friends. Knowing the other parents was so much easier when our kids were young. Once they hit the teen years, they’re much more likely to know people from other schools, other neighborhoods, even other towns. So, you have to make a concerted effort to get to know these other families, find out the dynamic in their home if you can, understand their house rules, even ask questions about guns, alcohol and drugs in the home! Yes, this is something your teen will quite possibly throw a fit about – they may see this as stepping over the line and trampling their autonomy. However, you can explain to them that it’s your job to keep them safe, that you take it seriously, and that although you do trust them, that doesn’t extend to people you don’t know. Get those phone numbers and when there’s going to be a gathering somewhere, call or text and check out the situation. There are vast differences between what parents consider supervision. Many parents feel it’s enough for them to be present in the home – they may even go to bed when their teen has friends over or a party. Others understand the importance of checking in and walking into the area where they’re hanging out and insuring no one is leaving and coming back, etcetera. Find out what sort of parents are “supervising”. And don’t let that old argument – “no one else’s parents do this” bother you. I can assure you there are other parents that even do more – and you change actually change this yourself by talking to these other parents and coming up with some shared guidelines.
5. Get to know your teen’s girlfriend or boyfriend. This goes double if you aren’t fond of them. You do not want to make an enemy of your teen’s romantic interest. At this point in their life, the choice between them and you, is pretty obvious to your kid. In the heat of such a debate, you’ll come out the clear loser. Again, you want them to spend time at your house so you can monitor their interactions, notice any control issues, and to be able to tell if there’s something nefarious going on. Set aside your judgment of this kid (and remember, that’s what they are – a kid) and you’ll be able to spot things that you need to.
6. Additionally, you want to enlist other adults in the effort to monitor and pay attention to your teen’s activities and behavior. Remember that it really does take a village and it’s important to rally together with other parents, neighbors, teachers, coaches, clergy, to reinforce your monitoring efforts. You can work with other parents to insure you’re not only on the same page about where the kids will be and what they’ll be doing but to help keep an eye out for each other’s kids and communicate about it. Start a group chat or a What’sApp group to help in those efforts.

You can also check in with all of these other adults in your kid’s life and ask questions about what they’re observing in your kid’s behavior – you could even enlist them to talk to your child if necessary. It’s good for your teen to have other trusted adults in their life to talk to just in case they don’t feel comfortable talking to you about a particular subject.

7. It’s also important to observe how your teen is spending money. Many parents choose to give a set allowance and help their kid budget. Staying on top of the money they have available to them and where it’s going, can be a great way to catch issues early. Just be careful here – again, agree in advance, discuss building financial responsibility, which means you need to be more aware and have access to help them.
8. Of course, we can’t talk about monitoring without devices and the internet. The most important thing here is talking to your teen about what’s expected of them, what they’re experiencing online, what they could possibly experience online, safety guidelines, when, where, and how much they can use their devices, in addition to any parental control apps that you might put in place. Those apps without lots of other discussion and guidance – are useless. There’s a work-around for all of them and your teen knows how to do it. So, be smart and make sure they a) know you’re using whatever monitoring methods you are regarding their devices and internet access and b) make sure they understand (and agree if possible) on the rules, why you have them, and what will happen if they break them. Listen to my episodes on sexting, sextortion, social media, online bullying and family media plans – I’ll have these episodes and all those I mention here in the show notes.
9. Of course, your teen should always be able to get in touch with you at any time of the day or night. They need to be able to get in touch with some other adult if they can’t for some reason get in touch with you. And you need to have a set password or code of some sort that they can rely on so you can go retrieve them from a difficult situation if they use it – no questions asked.
10. Also important is making sure you are keenly aware of your teens moods and emotions and check in with them often to see how they’re doing. You must be observant and notice anything that may seem “off” and offer your support. This is why connection is so important. You’re more likely to notice something and they’re much more likely to come to you when something’s wrong if your connection is strong.

Which leads me to the next topic – picking up on the signs that your teen may be using substances. Now, of course, you likely know the typical signs resources often mention – change in mood, grades dropping, change in social circle but there are more subtle signs as well.

The real problem is that many of these signs are also prevalent in typical teens who are not using substances. They also may be signs of a mental health disorder. I’ll say again, this is why it is so, so, important to do everything you can to strengthen your connection with them so they will confide in you, or come to you for solutions or support, rather than suffering in silence or turning to substances.

So, at the risk of mentioning things here that you’ve heard a million times, just bear with me. If you see any of these changes in your teen, pay attention, check it out, it’s worth at least a conversation and to keep your eyes open for any other clues. Don’t bury your head and assume it couldn’t be substances – that’s not in your teen’s best interest.

 

All of these signs of drug use come from The Partnership to End Addiction – a very trusted source – I’ll have the links in the show notes:

 

Shifts in mood & personality

• Sullen, withdrawn or depressed
• Less motivated
• Silent, uncommunicative
• Hostile, angry, uncooperative
• Deceitful or secretive
• Unable to focus
• A sudden loss of inhibitions
• Hyperactive or unusually elated

Behavioral changes

• Changed relationships with family members or friends
• Absenteeism or a loss of interest in school, work or other activities
• Avoids eye contact
• Locks doors
• Disappears for long periods of time
• Goes out often, frequently breaking curfew
• Secretive with the use of their phone
• Makes endless excuses
• Uses chewing gum or mints to cover up breath
• Often uses otc eye drop for their red eyes or nose spray for a stuffy nose
• Has cash flow problems
• Has become unusually clumsy: stumbling, lacking coordination, poor balance
• Has periods of sleeplessness or high energy, followed by long periods of “catch up” sleep

Hygiene & appearance

• Smell of smoke or other unusual smells on breath or on clothes
• Messier than usual appearance
• Poor hygiene
• Frequently red or flushed cheeks or face
• Burns or soot on fingers or lips
• Track marks on arms or legs (or long sleeves in warm weather to hide marks)

Physical health

• Frequent sickness
• Unusually tired and/or lethargic
• Unable to speak intelligibly, slurred speech or rapid-fire speech
• Nosebleeds and/or runny nose, not caused by allergies or a cold
• Sores, spots around mouth
• Sudden or dramatic weight loss or gain
• Skin abrasions/bruises
• Frequent perspiration
• Seizures and/or vomiting

About these signs. One or two may not indicate much if anything, but in combination, is where you really just can’t ignore that something may be going on.

So, how can be you proactive in looking for things if you think if you’ve possibly seen a sign or two.

First, be home and awake when they come in after being with friends. Talk to them, give them a hug. How do they smell? Notice their hair, breath, clothes.

How are they communicating and moving around? Pay close attention to their eyes – are their pupils constricted or dilated or do they look blood shot? Marijuana can leave them bloodshot, or they may look half closed like they’re falling asleep. Other substances can cause constriction or dilation. If they’ve been drinking, you may also notice a flushed red face or cheeks. It’s hard not to notice the effects of substances when you look someone on the face. Of course, also know that light impacts pupil size as do numerous other eye diseases or injuries.

Watch their behavior after they get home – don’t just turn around and go straight to bed. Engage with them a little and then back up and just observe. How are they moving around? How are they acting? Are they silly, giggly, loud and obnoxious, staggering, sick in the bathroom, asleep on their feet? These are all potential signs of drinking or drug use.

Other than being up and observing them when they come home, you can’t ignore their phone. They should already know the expectations for how much privacy they’re allowed on their phone – what you monitor or could monitor at any time.

I won’t get too far into phone here but understand that almost every social media platform out there is used to buy and sell drugs. You can block and monitor and set up parental controls – but understand that again, conversations are what will make the difference. Teens are always a step or 10 ahead of parents when it comes to monitoring their devices.

If you’re able to see what’s going on with their social media accounts, look at who they follow – watch for drug or alcohol related content and discuss it with them.

Something else to be aware of is how they use emojis as code to communicate in texts or online about drugs. I’ve linked to the US Drug Enforcement Agency’s Emoji Drug Code in the show notes. Please take a look. For example the banana emoji can mean Percocet or oxycodone, a chocolate bar can represent Xanax and on and on.

So, while your teen must be allowed a certain level of privacy, they should also understand this may be modified from time to time based on their behavior and your rational and considered level of comfort about their safety.

They should understand that your duty to keep them safe and healthy will be prioritized over their need for privacy and autonomy, which could mean that should you feel they’re at risk, you would need to look in their room and through their things. You can tell them, however, that as long as there are no issues, you won’t have any reason to go snooping around.

But that if you have reason to believe they could be using substances or frankly, be involved in any dangerous, unhealthy, unethical, or illegal activity or any behavior that could close a door in their future, it’s your duty to go poking around.

It’s important to have this discussion and agreement in advance – that you will poke – above and beyond your usual parental controls and monitoring - if they give you reason to.

This likely will not sit well with them and there’s a real possibility that if you snoop and you do find something that you need to bring to their attention, that you take a hit to your connection with them. But in the end, if you’ve kept them safe, it’s worth it and it can be repaired.

Just don’t go snooping into anything and everything and impinging on their privacy without seeing a clear and obvious need to do so.

If you do, and they’re not doing anything wrong, they’ll start hiding everything from you, you’ll lose your influence with them, they’ll start actively lying to you, rebel…you’ll drive them to the very behavior you were hoping to prevent.

And really, the bottom line is, if you feel like something’s up, it’s probably “up”. Trust your instincts and remember that connection and open communication is always your best bet and can save you from needing to go digging around.

Try and have a conversation first – get them in the car with you or take a walk, broach the subject gently and tell them your concerns.

It’s not necessary to “catch them red-handed” to have this conversation – you don’t need the evidence in hand to rub in their face. As a matter of fact, even if you do discover something, it’s still better to approach a conversation in a general, “I’m concerned about you” way rather than confronting them with your big discovery.

Even if they’re aware that you’ve said you would snoop if you needed to, finding out you’ve done so and that you’ve actually found something will still feel like an invasion and a betrayal of trust. Understand that up front and be prepared for a tough conversation and some big emotions.

I suppose I could interject a little story here – I think I may have told it before – but when my friend and I discovered our sons – best friends – were smoking weed around the corner with another couple of friends in a stand of bamboo trees in one of the kids back yards, we proceeded down to the yard, gathered up every homemade bong and pipe and buds (and there were a few) and we walked back up to my house, grocery bags of them in hand and displayed them all out on my dining room table to talk to them about it when they walked in the door after school.

Not my proudest parenting moment – but I do think they were so stunned at the table display that they couldn’t do much but confess. It’s sort of like interrogating the murderer standing over the body with the gun in their hand.

But I would not recommend this guns a blazin’ approach with your teen. That was before I spent thousands of hours studying adolescents and how to parent them.

Now, I’ll also give you a link to the page on the Partnership to End Addiction’s website where they list some of the various places teens may hide drugs or drug paraphernalia – just don’t go start digging around without doing everything else I’ve mentioned here – please.

Work on your connection, monitor carefully, build their trust in you, look for signs, have open conversations.

Alright that will do it for today’s episode of Speaking of Teens, I’ll be back Friday with another episode about how to talk to your teen and what to do, if you do suspect or discover they’ve been using substances. I hope you’ll come back for that episode.

I’m really glad you’re here, and I hope you’re taking away some valuable and actionable information about teens and substances. I have several more episodes in store so hang with me to the end. Every parent needs to know this stuff – even if you don’t think your kid would ever in a million years try anything like this.

I appreciate you listening, and I hope you’ll consider sharing this episode or the podcast with a few friends. As I’ve said before, my goal is to help as many parents as possible and I need your help to do so. I’m reaching thousands all over the world, but I’d love to reach millions – if this podcast is helping you, will you please help me spread the word and get help to as many parents as possible? I would truly appreciate it.

And if you’d like to chat with other parents like you and get support parenting your teen, come join us in the Facebook group – the link is at the very bottom of the episode description right where you’re listening.

And until next time, remember to try and connect with your teen in at least some tiny little way, each and every day.