How do you validate your teens’ feelings about their friendship struggles without inserting yourself unintentionally and creating a potential rift between you and your teen? This was a question I received from a parent recently.

Of course, you know that friendship issues take a front seat with our kids from the time they’re little. But they become all-consuming as soon as kids hit puberty.

This is not only normal and to be expected but necessary for them to gradually move closer to adulthood.

But when things with friends go sideways with our teens and tweens (as they often do) where do we fit into the picture and how do we not make things worse for our kids?

I’ll be right back to talk about that.

PODCAST INTRO

It’s a scientific fact that girls are more likely to be caught up in friendship squabbles than boys because of how they approach friendship in general.

Girls are more intimate in their relationships, they focus on deeper communication, talking about their problems, sharing secrets, valuing the emotional support the friendship provides.

On the other hand, boys are more casual in their relationships with other boys. They focus on entertaining each other, mere companionship and generally hang out in larger less intimate groups.

So, it’s just a different dynamic between the sexes. This doesn’t mean at all that boys are without their own friendship struggles – not at all. As a boy mom, I saw this up close on many occasions. But boys ruminate less about these issues in general. Girls think about the problem from every angle, replaying every word said and every action taken, in their head.

Also, keep in mind that the adolescent brain makes it more likely for our kids to interpret things negatively, to have negative thoughts about themselves and to totally misinterpret the whole situation. The emotional part of their brain is so sensitive and makes it so much more likely that they’ll become fearful or angry about something by mistake and they have a harder time calming themselves down. (listen to episodes 130 and 131 to learn more about how their brain works)

This happens in their interactions with you, and it can happen with their friends as well. So, negative thinking can definitely can play a role in their friendship struggles. By the way, you can click the link to my parenting guides in the episode description and download the free guide “how to help your teen with negative thinking”

Let’s say your 13-year-old daughter comes to you and says 2 of her best friends have been saying mean and nasty things about her to other kids at school. She’s extremely upset, crying, indignant and doesn’t know what to do.

What’s your first instinct? What do you say and do?

Well, if you’re like most of us, you want to jerk those little brats up by their hair and say, “How dare you?!” and then threaten them within an inch of their life, right? And then maybe next, you want to call the parents and ask how they can allow their kid to do this to your child.

You’re a loving parent and the very thought of someone being mean to your baby is infuriating and hurtful and makes you feel so helpless.

Plus, you’ve been down this road in your own life. You remember how it feels to be left out, ganged up on or gossiped about…and have these friend fights where people are mean and nasty. It’s horrible and you’d do anything to save your daughter from that stress and anguish.

But inserting yourself in any way by talking to the friends or the parents, is not the route to take. By this age, 11, 12, 13 and up, it’s time to take a step back and support them emotionally, give them advice if they ask for it, but stay the heck out of it (unless you want to make more trouble for your kid and yourself and render them more helpless than ever). So, there’s that – no reaching out to friends or parents (I’m sure you knew that).

But what then? What do you say to her? What do you do?

This is the tricky part. If you’ve heard me or others talk about validating your kid’s feelings, maybe what first comes to mind is to agree with her that what they did was awful and that she has every right to be angry with them – that they were wrong to do that.

And if you’re like many of us, you might even go a step further and throw in that you’ve never liked these kids anyway…and…while you’re at it you might as well say, you think it’d be best not to hang out with them anymore.

And in that moment, your daughter totally agrees.

But here’s the thing about teen and tween friendships – again – especially girls - what is true one day is not necessarily true the next.

…A couple of days later your daughter comes home from school and tells you she’s going to the football game with some friends…and when you ask which friends, she’s very hesitant about it but finally says, “you’re not gonna’ like it”.

Yep, it’s the mean girls.

What the heck? Was she not just crying and angry and did she not just say she was going to stop hanging out with these little you know whats?

And of course, you hear the hesitancy in her voice when she says, “you’re not gonna’ like it”.

You agreed with her just a couple of days ago that these girls were being awful, you even tore them apart a little bit and said you thought it would be better not to hang out with them anymore.

So, when your daughter, in her adolescent wisdom and rightful discretion has decided to remain friends with these snoddy kids, she knows in her mind that you do not approve. But all you did was agree with her! Isn’t that validating her feelings?

Well, hang on. Let’s talk about what validation is and what it isn’t. But first things first. Before you validate your teen’s feelings, you have to fully listen to them and reflect what they’ve said. You can’t begin to know how they really feel until you’ve heard them out. When they’re upset, it helps to calm them down to know you’re listening and then even more to hear you summarize what they’ve said and ask if you understand it correctly.

Don’t interrupt. Don’t jump in with advice or your opinion. Listen, keep them talking (“tell me more”) while you really try to understand their perspective on the situation and how they are feeling about it all.

When they get it all out, and you think you understand what’s going on, you can summarize it in your own words and reflect it back to them, so she knows you’ve fully listened and “get it”.

For example: “So, you’re saying Betts and Jordan put it in this group chat with a dozen other friends that you’d been sneaking out of the house in the middle of the night to meet this boy at the park, is that right?

And when she confirms you’re right about what’s going on, you validate how she feels about this.

Now validation isn’t about you necessarily agreeing that they should feel the way they feel. Validation is simply about you acknowledging that they do feel the way they feel.

Because there will be plenty of times that you don’t agree that your kid should feel the way they do.

For example, if they’re angry with their teacher for giving them a zero on a missed assignment – you can acknowledge that they’re angry about getting a zero, while knowing that it’s just the rule for missing an assignment – and they shouldn’t have missed the assignment if they didn’t want the zero.

You could say something like, “I can see you’re really aggravated about getting that zero.” – you’ve acknowledged how they feel about it.

But you didn’t say, “you have every right to be angry about that – you’re teacher was so wrong and is just downright mean – let’s be mad about it together!”

Validating is not about “siding” with them or telling them they’re thinking and feeling about the situation in the right way. It’s merely about saying – “I see you” “I understand how you feel right now” “I’m going to sit here with you while you feel the way you feel and comfort you if I need to and help you figure out what to do about it” (those are other steps in this process).

Whether you think they should be angry about that zero is a besides the point right now. The only question is: Are they angry? Yes, they are. Do they have a right to be angry? Of course, they do – we all have a right to feel however we feel – period.

Could they possibly benefit from taking a different perspective on the issue? Sure, they could – but again, that’s not the point right now. That’s a conversation for later, after you’ve connected with them emotionally and helped them to calm down. That’s what listening, reflecting and validating is all about (plus keeping the conflict at bay and helping them learn to be more emotionally aware and regulated.)

So, in our scenario with your daughter and her confiding in you about the things Betts and Jordan put in the group text about her, you could say something like, “I know you’re really hurt by what they’ve done. When someone we love does something like this it’s really shocking and can throw you for a loop. I’ve been through similar things as an adult even. I’m really sorry you’re going through this.”

In none of that did you give your opinion about the girls or say, “yeah, they’re horrible people for doing this.” You’ve merely acknowledged how hard this is and how she feels.

 

Now, are there going to be times when you absolutely agree that your child should feel the way they do? Sure. And in general, it’s not wrong to agree with them.

But because you can certainly “step in it” by agreeing with them – as in these friendship types of issues – it’s just better to use neutral wording. “I can see you’re really annoyed” “I understand you’re nervous about this.” You see how this takes your opinion completely out of it? Again, you’re simply acknowledging that you understand how they feel – not telling them they should or shouldn’t feel that way.

Of course, all of this also assumes that you know your emotion words and can understand and read your teens’ emotions. These are some of the things I teach in Parent Camp. Because you must understand these things to help your teen learn how to manage their emotions. Every time you listen, reflect and validate – giving them a word for their feelings - you’re helping them to recognize just what it is they are feeling…even if they don’t yet understand it themselves.

So, with these friendship issues (and this would be the same for a girlfriend or boyfriend situation as well) when you agree with them that they should be infuriated or brokenhearted or whatever it is they’re feeling in that moment, and then they turn around and decide they actually don’t feel that way the next day…you’re left holding the bag.

You’re now the one who “doesn’t like” this friend or girlfriend or boyfriend or whomever. You’re the one that will be fighting this perception or idea in their mind. If something comes up in the future with this same person, they’re going to be less likely to tell you about it because they’re afraid you’ll say, “I told you so” or judge them for going against how you feel.

So, by agreeing that they should feel that way rather than simply acknowledging how they felt, it can cause a real rift in your connection with them – whether you meant it to or not.

But what do you do if you’ve stepped over this line by mistake?  Your daughter confided, you agreed with how she felt and now she’s afraid you don’t like her friends and will disapprove of her hanging out with them, judge her, etc. and probably regrets having told you about the situation to begin with? That’s the last thing you want – you want her to feel totally free to confide in you.

Well, you have to back it up a little bit, don’t you? You’re going to have to repair this rupture in your connection.

As always, you don’t want to make it a big serious, sit-down conversation. Wait until there’s a way to talk in the car or on a walk or while you’re doing something together. And don’t just jump right into it all serious – wait until you’ve been in the car or talking for a few minutes about other stuff (things they’re interested in).

Then you can casually just say, “you know, I owe you an apology regarding our conversation about Betts and Jordan the other day. I love you more than anything in the world and seeing you hurt is painful for me and my automatic reaction is to lash out at anyone who’s hurt you.”

“But I want you to know after having thought about it, that I totally trust your judgment to make decisions about who you’re friends with. And you know I’ll always be here for you and help you figure things out if you need me to. I get that people can make mistakes and make amends. And I’m proud of you for being capable of giving people second chances. I hold nothing against your friends. Okay?”

And here’s the other thing I mentioned to this parent. It’s in our nature as parents to believe our kid is the “good one” and when something happens (not this particular scenario with the texting but anything really), it’s much easier to blame the other kids. It’s easy to blame their parents and to believe that our kids should not be friends with them.

I hate to tell you this, but that’s unfair on a lot of levels.

I recently had a conversation with my 23-year-old son. A friend of his from high school – THE kid that he got in all his trouble with – the one I hated to see coming – the one I forbade him from seeing or talking to because he was such a bad influence…this kid moved halfway across the country near my son recently. And when I found out, I was devastated. Even more so when I discovered they were hanging out some. All of those old feelings of fear came rushing back.

And when we finally had a brief conversation about this the other day, you know what he told me: “Mom, you know it wasn’t Chad’s fault we got into trouble all the time, right? It was usually me, actually. He never was the one that started anything really.” (and that’s not this kid’s real name by the way)

Hmph. I didn’t like hearing that. I’m not even totally convinced I believe it. But I get it. We want to believe the best of our kids. We want to blame the others – even their parents. And I can tell you as the parent of this kid who just told me that it was his fault – I wasn’t to blame. I didn’t do it. I wasn’t a horrible parent. I couldn’t have stopped him from doing what he did any more than you can stop yours from doing what they do. So, a) don’t blame the parents – ever. We’re all doing the best we can, right.

And b) don’t blame the other kids. They’re just like yours. They’re making decisions with a brain that’s not fully functional. They’re emotional, irrational, self-centered and have little self-control. But yours is the same way. No one’s twisting their arm to do what they do (not 99% of the time). Your kid could just as easily be the one who makes the mistake as the next kid. You could just as easily be that parent wondering where you went wrong, as the other parents.

Kids do things with each other that they’d never dream of doing alone – this is true. But it’s usually not because the other kids are “bad influences”, it’s because they’re in a group. That’s because the adolescent brain’s reward system craves that acceptance and approval from those other kids – and it just assumes the more fun, risky, exciting stuff they do, the more approval and acceptance they’re going to get.

Try to remember that. And try to remain as neutral as possible about these friendships, other relationships and what your teen or tween should do about them. Listen to their issues, reflect what they tell you, validate their feelings, comfort them and if they want your help to problem solve, you can very gently do so. Just remember, you cannot control who they hang out with anymore but  you can make sure that they trust you, want to confide in you and want your input in their life. That connection will see you through.

Alright, that’s it for another episode of Speaking of Teens. I really, really appreciate you listening today, and I appreciate all your kind words and affirmations. It means everything to ME that I’m making a difference for you. If you enjoy the podcast I would be grateful if you’d share it with a friend or two or three and help me, make a difference for them as well. If you want to join us in the Facebook Group, there’s a link at the bottom of the episode description right where you’re listening.

Until next time, remember, find a way to connect with your teen in some tiny way, every day.