Do you and your spouse agree on every issue related to parenting your teen or tween? If you said yes, I’d be totally shocked.

I doubt any couple in the history of the universe has ever completely agreed on all parenting issues – especially once the kids hit adolescence.

If you really want to parent your teen or tween in a way that brings you closer instead of breeding animosity and rebellion; that helps them learn how to be an adult without being harsh or punitive - but you feel like you’re fighting an uphill battle because your spouse refuses to see the light…I’ve got some wisdom for you in this episode.

Let’s figure this out together – don’t go anywhere.

PODCAST INTRO

Today I’m going to talk to you about how you can absolutely put what I teach into practice and work with your spouse, even if they are completely uninterested or adamantly opposed to this type of parenting.

I’ve had so many parents tell me that their spouse just won’t get on board with a different way of parenting – that they’re harsh or authoritarian, believe they know best and just won’t listen or cooperate.

And I imagine my husband could understand how you feel a lot better than I can. I was the one who was harsh and authoritarian there for a couple of years when we were going through the issues with our son.

Even though it was fear ruling my behavior, the outcome was the same – lots of yelling, punishing, arguing, lecturing…and that was just between me and my husband!

I’m sort of kidding but not really – we argued and fought over how to parent our teenage son constantly – even in front of our son.

It was an absolute shit show – and no doubt it made our son’s depression, anxiety and behavior much worse than it would have been, otherwise.

 

 

The only way we ever got on the same page was because I finally heard it from a family therapist – he kindly and not so subtly, pointed out I had no idea what I was doing.

I wouldn’t listen to my husband – but I did listen to this total stranger who’d spent no more than 90 minutes with me.

So, it’s always an option to go see a therapist – a family therapist – who can help you get on the same page. You might save that option until you see you’re not going to be able to win them over on your own.

Now, here’s the thing I want you to understand right up front: scientific research has shown that even kids who just have one parent who’s kind but firm (and not demanding and solely focused on outward behavior) - these kids are tremendously benefitted and much better off that kids with 2 authoritarian – the my way or the highway type of parents.

So, even if you can’t get your spouse 100% on board with learning this kinder, gentler, more respectful way of parenting, you can still make a huge difference on your own.

It’s also possible that you can appeal to them to try something for a few weeks or try one small tweak for a while and see what happens.

It’s hard for us to change our entire way of parenting all at once - so try baby steps.

Now, if you decide that you do want to enlighten them and get them to see things your way, overall, there are some ways to approach it – and there are also ways to handle your disagreements if they’re simply not ready for full enlightenment.

Let’s first talk about how you might try getting them to see things your way to try this new way of parenting.

Of course, every situation is different, and every marriage is different and the way you try to negotiate this with your spouse may be much different from the next person.

But here are some ideas for you to get this conversation started off in the right direction.

• Don’t approach this issue with them until you’re both calm, free from distractions and away from the house. What happens so often is that we dread talking about this stuff, so we wait until the issue comes up again and everyone’s already aggravated or angry and at that point, no one is in an agreeable mood.

 

So, don’t wait - make an actual appointment with your spouse – just like date night. Leave the house and go for a walk, or even a drink or dinner and have an outline of what you want to discuss and the points you want to get across.

 

• Just tell them beforehand that you know you two haven’t been agreeing on everything about parenting and that you’d really like to go somewhere and talk about it without distractions or the kids around.

 

• Use episode 57 as your guide – I talk about the worst mistakes parents make with teens. You can listen or take a look at the transcript and make a few notes to refer to.

 

• Depending on what you’ve discussed about this in the past, you could say something like, “I just want to be able to provide a united front for our kids” or “I hate that we tend to disagree so much about parenting in front of the kids” or in front of your teen – whatever the case may be.

 

• Be sure to use “I statements” rather than “you statements”. In other words, you want to lay out how you feel about what’s happening between you, your spouse and your teen without blaming, shaming or pointing the finger. So, you could say something like, “I’m just concerned that Jaylyn might really rebel if we keep punishing the way we have been.” Don’t start out by saying “If you keep insisting on bigger and bigger consequences, he’s just going to rebel” – that’s pointing the finger, and anyone will get defensive when they’re being blamed. So, keep it “I feel”, “I think” “I wonder if…”

 

• So, you’ve told them what you’re concerned about first and then you ask them how they feel about it – do they see any room for improvement in the way you’ve both have been handling things.

 

• Then – and this next step is really crucial - listen to what they have to say, summarize it when the finish and repeat it back to them and ask them if you got it right. You want to make sure they see that you understand where they’re coming from (always do this in any serious conversation – including those with your teen.)

 

• Then ask follow-up questions and see if you can them to the point of agreeing that just perhaps what you’ve been doing so far hasn’t been working too well. Again, you’re not saying what they’ve been doing isn’t working – you’re saying what you’ve been doing together isn’t working (remember no finger pointing) If you can get them to the point of agreeing with you that things aren’t going well, overall, then continuing the conversation will be much easier.

 

• Then if you haven’t mentioned the podcast before, you could do that. “There’s this podcast that teaches how to parent teens so there’s not as much conflict and misbehavior…and she talks about the actual scientific research behind the strategies she mentions.”

 

• Now if you’ve already mentioned the podcast and they just don’t want to hear it again, you can just mention some of what you’ve picked up without mentioning the podcast at all.

 

• Either way, I would suggest using the things I mention in episode 57 for your talking points. In that episode I talk about things like being able to manage your own emotions so you don’t cause more conflict or arguments; being more aware of your teen’s emotions and helping them learn how to manage them and understanding and having empathy for the changes their brain is putting them through; how trying to be the “boss” causes conflict because teens need autonomy and that making all the rules and using punishment threatens that autonomy and causes rebellion (where connecting with them, teaching them skills and using consequences appropriately can improve their behavior).

 

• Keep it really short – just the facts - and just ask them if they’d be willing to listen to the episode with you. Or if you haven’t mentioned the podcast, you could just ask them if they’re interested in learning more and see if they’ll read a book off my booklist or maybe bring up the podcast once they’ve taken to the idea.

 

• You could literally even skip the whole big conversation and just go on a car ride and listen together to episode 57. You could ask them to listen with you and discuss it. If it gets them to think, you might even get them to agree to listen to more or to come to Parent Camp with you in the fall.

 

Now, what if, for any reason, this conversation is just not possible, or you try, and it isn’t productive?

I have several tips for you that may help at lease decrease the arguing

First – you may have to try and muster a little empathy for your spouse and how they were raised. As a matter of fact, if this is not something you’ve discussed before, it’s time. Ask them what their parents were like when they were growing, were they punished severely? Were their parents more concerned with outward behavior, grades and appearances than their feelings or their relationship with them? Were they shown much affection?

Finding out how they were raised (and having them discuss it with you) will likely be very enlightening for you both. How we’re raised has more to do with how we parent our own kids than we like to admit sometimes.

You might even ask them to contemplate how they really feel about their parents. Do they have an emotionally close relationship with them or are they distant, superficial with each other? You may be able to gently lead them to the conclusion that the way they were parented was not best and that the relationship they have with their parents is not the one they want with their children now or in the future. Ask them to think about the future and what they’d like to see for that relationship.

But even if you don’t get that far, if nothing else, perhaps their story can give you some insight and empathy about why they parent the way they do, which can help you with how you approach issues with them.

Second – perhaps you can agree with your spouse to divvy up the parenting responsibilities or the decision-making. Perhaps they do great when dealing with financial or money issues and homework issues but not so great when it comes to dealing with other behaviors or emotional issues.

So, discuss with them the possibility “dividing and conquering” so to speak.  Maybe you can agree that they’ll handle those issues, and you’ll take the other. You could even approach them with a list of issues that you can’t agree on – then go down the list and decide who will take which type of issue.

 

 

 

Third – If you can’t agree to divide the issues between you, then see if you can at least agree that neither of you will talk to your teen when emotions are too high.

Bring this up when your spouse is calm and not distracted. You can simply say something like, “I’ve noticed that neither of us does great talking to Jake when we’re upset. Would you agree?”

Hopefully, they do agree. Then you can try to get them to make a pact that if either of you feels like you’re going to lose it on your teen that you’ll back off, take a break, calm down and discuss it with the other parent before going to back to talk to them.

Making any type of decision or trying to talk to your teen when emotions are high, usually will not go so well. When you’re not thinking rationally, you have to give your brain the time to calm down so you can.

If they can agree to do this – it will be a huge first step. It’s especially important if your spouse tends to be the one that issues harsh consequences or punishments or yells, lectures, etc.

You could even come up with a code word (your teen could have it too) – either of you says that word and the other parent walks away to take a break.

Let them know that when they walk away it’s your signal to leave them alone – and that when they’re ready, they can come get you so you can talk about the situation and hopefully agree on how to approach your teen together.

Fourth – when you are able to discuss these emotionally-charged situations with your spouse, the goal is to reach an agreement about how to handle it with your teen. How strongly do you feel that things should go your way?

If what your spouse wants to do is or borders on being emotionally abusive – then of course, you have to prevent that at all costs. And if this is the issue you’re dealing with regularly, then counseling is definitely in order.

But what if your spouse maybe just wants a harsher consequence – maybe something that is illogical and isn’t related at all to what your teen did – something you’ve learned is not in their best interest?

How do you discuss it with them?

Start by telling them your concerns (why you think the consequence is too harsh and that it will just cause worse behavior), then you listen to their point of view, summarize it, repeat back to them and ask them if you got it right. This way they know you’re listening to them and are trying to understand where they’re coming from. This is crucial if you want to maintain a calm approach that yields results.

Then invite them to brainstorm with you to see if you can come up with something that you feel is not so harsh or makes more sense or whatever it is.

You can propose something you find acceptable and see what they come back with and go from there just as you would haggle when buying a car (except there’s no imaginary manager to run back and forth to)

Keep proposing ideas to see if you can work your way to something that is acceptable – remembering that neither of you will be totally happy with the outcome – that’s just part of negotiating.

 

Fifth – If you’re not able to reach a compromise – and this one I do have a really hard time with, I admit – because most people will tell you that you still have to present a united front, which means that one of you is going to have to step back from this discussion and agree to let the spouse who feels most strongly about this particular parenting issue, make the decision (again as long as it’s not abusive).

Maybe this is you or maybe it’s your spouse – either way, the other parent has to show support in their decision and back them up in front of your teen, help them enforce it, and don’t throw them under the bus or bad mouth them. That’s extremely difficult if you’re the one who gave in and feels that this parenting decision is not the best one for your teen.

One thing you may be able to do is get them to agree that the next time something comes up that you get to decide how to handle it. That can help even things up for your kid.

Of course, you can also empathize with your teen, acknowledge how they feel about whatever it is, and comfort them about it. Simply be the parent they can talk to and depend on for emotional support.

But if you lose more of these negotiations than you win because your spouse feels so strongly one way and you the other, and you believe the way your spouse is parenting is not in your teen’s best interest, or is causing your teen to act out, I say it’s incumbent upon you to do something. Beg your spouse to attend Parent Camp, get them to at least listen to the podcast, or get a therapist involved who understands good parenting principles and can get them on board.

If you can just get them to the point of seeing that there may be another way to parent, and can talk them into coming to Parent Camp – I can do the rest.

And if the whole problem with your spouse is just that they aren’t interested in taking the time to learn something new, then you can learn it and teach it to them by modeling good parenting. I’ve got you covered either way.

 

INSERT PARENT CAMP PROMO HERE – the one dated 7-21 but delete the first sentence, “I’ll get back to the show in just a minute.”

 

Alright, that’s it for Speaking of Teens today. I’m glad you were here with me and made it to the end. Please let someone else know about the show so we can keep spreading the message around the world. I really appreciate you being here and making this the podcast that it is and I hope you’ll stick around.

Until next time, remember, a little change goes a long way.