Maybe you’ve been listening to the podcast for a while or maybe you just started. And you’re thinking – “you know, I think there’s something to what this lady’s saying. I think I might need to change how I’m parenting my teen”.

But perhaps your next thought is, “this is going to be way too hard – I don’t think I can do it.” “I’ve been parenting this way for far too long and changing now is just not realistic – I just don’t know how I would do it.” Or, “I’m an anxious mess and I don’t see being able to change that anytime soon with everything I have going on.”

Well, stick around and I’ll tell you why you can do this no matter where you are right now.

PODCAST INTRO

Today I want to talk to you about how you can absolutely change everything about your parenting style if you want. It’s a matter of making the decision, sticking with it and practicing.

You know how I end each episode now with “a little change goes a long way”? Well, that’s really true. You don’t have to become a completely different parent overnight.

As a matter of fact, if you did that, I think your kids might be a little frightened – like maybe their parent’s off trapped in some cryogenic pod somewhere while this alien has taken over for them. It could be a bit confusing.

So, instead, you start with one or two small tweaks – you practice and you see what happens. Check your child’s response and adjust as needed. Wait until you see a response though. When you first start changing, they may not even notice. They’re so used to certain behavior from you and to responding to that specific behavior that they may automatically do that for a while yet. So, give it time for them to realize what’s happening.

Let me tell you, when I first started trying to change, I jumped in it without a clue about how to do anything. I’d read a chapter or two of one book, had done a bit of research on the science, and I started experimenting.

And here’s the thing, I think at that point I’d gained a little bit of emotional clarity on what was going on with me and I’d begun to understand what was going on in his brain and I understood a tiny bit about emotion coaching, so I decided to just jump in with both feet.

 

Let me tell you where I was emotionally before I tell you what I tried and how it went.

I had been a total anxious wreck for about 2 years by this point. Our son was turning 18 in a matter of days, and I was still trying to wrap my head around what it was I’d been feeling all this time and why I’d been so controlling with him. I really can’t remember right now when it was that I had my epiphany but at some point, I realized that my anxiety was caused by a combination of thoughts – both about my past and my son’s future.

It dawned on me when I began to try and become more emotionally aware – figure out what I was feeling and why, that I was (in the back of my mind) comparing my son to my brother – who became addicted to hard drugs in his teen years and died a drug addict just a few years ago.

My brother caused my parents so much grief. He caused me a lot of grief and I couldn’t stand being around him – even seeing his face – it was horrible.

And when my son starting using weed – it sent me reeling – I could not handle anything about it. It threw me into a tailspin, triggered all those past memories (but just below the surface where I didn’t really realize it).

The fear was palpable. I felt like he was going to die, end up in jail or become a life-long drug addict. And that fear caused so  much conflict. I was constantly questioning, lecturing and reprimanding him for his weed-smoking behavior. I didn’t believe a word he said about anything, I watched him like a hawk, I was on top of him 24-hours a day. I was miserable, he was miserable, my husband was miserable, and everyone was at each other’s throats.

I consequenced and punished and controlled until he was a nervous wreck, depressed and acting out so badly that we didn’t feel we had a choice but to place him in residential treatment for his mental health and cannabis use disorder. It was easily the lowest point in all of our lives.

And I take responsibility for it. I absolutely know, without a doubt, if I’d known then what I know now, that my son would not have ended up with the intensity of issues that he had. I know I played a huge role in it.

So, when I hear someone say that it’s too hard to do this – too hard to change how you parent or to try these new strategies – it makes me want to scream. I know what it’s like to be on the other side of this and to know what could have been. My son is a happy, healthy (still slightly anxious) 23-year-old who is living his best life.

But for a period of at least 2 years and the months it took to get him all the way back to “real life” he was miserable because I didn’t know how to parent him properly. Not my husband – he instinctively knew I was wrong and fought me on it but I was too stubborn and thought I was right. I wanted his behavior to stop. I wanted him to be okay. I wanted him to change and I was by god going to make that happen.

But here’s why I tell you this – because if this is hard for anyone, it certainly should have been almost impossible for me.

I’m an anxious, nervous wreck from childhood. I have ADHD, I’m stubborn, I’m a smart ass, I think I know best, I’m an arguer – for god’s sake – I’m an attorney. And I did it. I force fed myself as much information as I could and I took it at face value and I started practicing.

And here’s what I’ll tell you: yep, it was hard. But it was not so hard that I ever considered sitting there and not doing it and continuing to drive my son away, make him miserable and sick. I’m sure you would agree that when it comes to your child’s life, doing the hard things are just part of the job.

Here’s why it was hard for me and I’ll tell you why it won’t be this hard for you. It was hard for me because I didn’t have anyone telling me how to do it. I was figuring it out all alone. I wasn’t in therapy, so no one was explaining how to get my emotions in check. I had no prior knowledge of how the adolescent brain impacted their thoughts, emotions and behavior. I had no understanding of how ADHD played a role in so much of his acting out behavior. I had no idea that I needed to or even could validate his feelings and help him become more emotionally regulated. And even as I began understanding these things, I had no idea how to execute. I didn’t know what to say or how to say it or when to say it or how to act.

So, I made myself some cheat sheets, and I decided that he was usually frustrated when he would throw a fit, so that was my instant go-to emotion word for him when I first started emotion coaching (which is the first thing I tried). I’m sure he probably heard “I know you’re frustrated right now” about a hundred times in those first few weeks he was home from the residential treatment center.

And let me interject – he learned a lot there and I’ve said before that I think the seeds were planted for him to change but when he came home, all the rage and the outbursts and the desire to smoke weed – it was all still there right on the surface.

So, I tried really hard to keep my emotions in check and I did pretty good in the beginning but got better and better as I started mindfulness meditation and journaling. Is mindfulness meditation fun? Not really. I struggle sometimes because of my ADHD and I certainly can’t do it for a very long time – so is that hard? Maybe a little.

Is journaling fun? Not really – I get a cramp in my thumb when I write and don’t love rehashing my day – but I wouldn’t call that hard either. It takes a few minutes, but we can do anything for a few minutes right?

And here’s the thing…your kid may not even notice what you’re doing in the beginning. They may still act the same way because in their mind, you’re still responding the same old way…until they begin to notice that you’re not. And when they notice you’re not, that’s when things can begin to slowly change between you and in their behavior.

And when you realize that the small changes in you and in your behavior can have a profound impact – so profound that your relationship begins to change, and your home becomes calmer, and your teen’s behavior begins to change…because they’re talking to you and getting your input and loving on you again. It just makes you want to learn more, practice more and tell everyone in the world that this is doable – that it’s worth whatever amount of work you have to put into it. It makes you realize that saying “I’m done” (which is what I said a million times) is not an option. Saying “I’ve done all I can do” is not an option, giving up is not an option.

I’m telling you right now, if I can do this, you can certainly do this. I’ll be right back with a tip for you, after a quick message.

PARENT CAMP PROMO HERE

So, here’s one thing you can start doing today – a really small thing that can make life so much easier with your teen. Stop telling them what to do and start asking them if they need your help. It’s simple: stop saying, “clean your room, Thomas” or “please go empty the dishwasher, Jonathan” – those are statements that sound like commands (yes, even with the “please” in front.

Instead try offering your help to do it with them and be really specific. You can say something like, “hey dude, can I help you get started picking the clothes up out of your floor and putting them in the hamper?” or “how about we put the dishes away together really quick?”

Doing something with them is more likely to get them going and doesn’t feel like such a chore - plus it gives you an extra moment together that you might be able to discuss one of their interests like their music or video games (not schoolwork or the time they spend on their phone!)

Just remember how you would feel if your spouse walked in the door and said something like, “go make me a sandwich” – that doesn’t sound very appealing does it? Doesn’t make you want to jump up and run to the kitchen. But what if they said something like, “why don’t we sit on the sofa and just have sandwiches for dinner and chat?” You might offer to make the sandwiches.

You see the difference? Your tone and your words with your kid, counts. An invitation to do something together is a great start to get them going in the right direction. Demanding or commanding will not work. Make that simple change today and see what happens.

Alright, that’s it for speaking of teens today. Thank you so much for being here – I hope you got some value out of the show and if you did, I’d be really grateful if you’d share it with anyone you know who is parenting a teen or tween right now.

And remember, until next time, a little change goes a long way.