How many times in the past 6 months have you taken your teen’s phone, gaming console or computer away from them as a “consequence”? Maybe you’ve grounded them or kept them from doing something they really wanted to do.

And do you think you’ve let your fear for their future cause you to be more controlling or punitive than you might normally be?

Do you understand how these things factor into your teen’s behavior?

Well, today’s episode is the 4^th and final in the Tuesday series I started with episode 151 to talk about the mistakes we make as parents that make our teens’ behavior worse. Stay with me and I’ll tell you what you need to know.

PODCAST INTRO

If you haven’t listened to the first three episodes in this series, go back now and listen to episodes 151, 153 and 155 then come back and listen to today’s episode because I want you to understand the general premise here – that our behavior matters and to hear all of the other specific issues I’ve talked about – the mistakes we make that cause their behavior to go off the rails.

Today, I’m talking about 2 really significant things that we parents tend to do that totally backfire: 1) we confuse discipline with punishment and 2) We let fear get in the way of connection.

Let’s talk about discipline first. People so often get confused about what discipline is. For instance, what comes to mind when you hear the word? Time-outs? Scolding? Correcting? Giving consequences?

I think that’s what most people think. We’ve sort of been led to think that…(given the generations of parents who’ve made obedience and outward behavior their top parenting priority).

But guess what? That’s not what discipline’s all about. Discipline is about teaching and learning. The Latin root word even means to teach or learn, and a disciple is a student.

But so many of us are still in that mindset that we need “obedience” from our teens – that it’s all about them doing what we say, when we say it. And with that mindset, if they “disobey”, our immediate response is “well, I have to show them they can’t do that”, right?

The very short-sighted goal here is stopping the outward behavior and getting them to do what you want them to do. You learned this from your own parents and probably from plenty of other parents around you. See a bad behavior – make it stop – scare them into not doing it again.

For good measure, just make it so painful for them, that they don’t dare do it again!

And what’s more painful than taking something away from them that they just can’t live without? The phone, the computer, the game console, the car…

But let me ask you this: How does taking something away from them help them learn how to do better next time? In other words, how does the loss of their phone help them learn how to make a B rather than a D? Does the loss of the phone help them learn how to focus better, get organized, plan ahead, study better? I don’t see the connection, do you?

If there’s no connection, you’re literally doing nothing here but making them angry and resentful for taking something away from them for no good reason. That’s retribution, it’s punishment, not discipline.

Discipline, remember we said, means teaching or learning. It’s about teaching someone how to do the right thing. Teaching not punishing. Punishment never teaches anything.

And all teens need a lot of teaching. The whole point of this entire period of adolescence from around age 10 to their mid to late 20s is about helping them learn how to function as a young adult. You don’t help them learn the skills of self-control, organization, emotional regulation, focus and planning ahead (all those executive function shills they don’t yet have because they’re brain is not finished) – you can’t teach them these things by taking the phone from them, can you? No, you can’t.

Teens don’t learn the skills they need for adulthood through punishment or illogical consequences.

So, what do you do instead? You first have to get curious about the behavior or misbehavior. You have to look at the underlying problem – they skill they’re lacking - not the outer result of that lack of skill - the outer behavior.

Yes, they missed curfew by an hour and a half…find out why. Just say, “what happened?”

It’s a simple question that doesn’t need a harsh tone or hands on the hips or meeting them at the front door. Tell them what you see or have noticed, “Hey, you’re an hour and a half late for curfew, what happened?” That’s it. Then listen and listen well.

There are at least a couple of goals wrapped up in one here: a) you want to figure out the underlying problem – what skill are they lacking here that you need to help them with, and b) you’re showing them you are not the type of parent who is scary to talk to – that they can trust you and can be honest with you because you’re there to teach and guide them and not to scold and punish them for making developmentally appropriate mistakes.

That’s right – these types of mistakes or misbehaviors are appropriate to their developmental stage. Go back and listen to my episodes about their brain (I’ll link them in the show notes).

They’re not doing this on purpose. They lack the ability to act like a proper adult because they’re not an adult. Their brain is not an adult brain – it’s still programming, and it doesn’t think the way we do yet. Adolescents are often emotional, irrational, irresponsible, and take risks – especially around their friends. But it’s not because they just choose to be – it’s because it’s how their brain works right now.

Hold on and I’ll be right back.

PARENT CAMP PROMO

So – back to it – when they screw up, it’s not your job to scold, berate, punish or even ignore. It’s your job to figure out what they need help with and then help.

In other words, figure out where they got tripped up and help them figure out how to do better next time.

Doesn’t stating the obvious and asking what happened sound like it would yield a lot more peaceful interaction than, “Oh my God, where have you been, I’ve been texting and calling and I thought you were dead in a ditch somewhere – you can forget going out next weekend – go to bed right now.”

Yelling, scolding, lecturing and punishing is the easy way out. It’s a knee-jerk reaction – with no more thought than they put into doing whatever it is they did.

It’s a short-sighted solution – you get your anger or frustration out and by punishing them you figure they won’t do it again. Well, guess what – until you get to the heart of the problem here, they will do it again because you haven’t helped them figure out how to do anything differently – especially now that they’ve been yelled at and treated with disrespect and punished – they won’t even want to try and figure it out themselves.

Parenting is a long game. If you’re in it so you can prove to everyone how perfectly well-behaved your kids are, then you’ve missed the point entirely.

Kids/teens aren’t perfectly well-behaved and never will be. You’re fighting a losing battle if that’s your goal. No wonder you’re frustrated if you think outward behavior is what it’s all about. It isn’t.

Your goal is to raise responsible, emotionally healthy and well-adjusted young adults who can decide for themselves who they want to be.

To make that happen, you must change your mindset and your point of view from the behavior you see to what’s going on underneath that behavior. What are they thinking and feeling and what skills do they need to learn as they grow into adults?

So, again, asking the question, “what happened?” will not immediately put them on the defensive and if your tone and manner are calm, it will likely yield a bit of information.

Maybe they have a legitimate excuse like a friend needed help or was drunk and needed to be taken home or whatever. If it’s legit then why do anything other than thank them for being honest and let them know why you’re concerned when they’re not home on time. That sort of exchange will do more for getting them home on time next weekend than scolding or lecturing or punishing.

Maybe they lost track of the time – and I use this example all the time because it’s the first thing I think of. So, maybe they just need help keeping up with the time or keeping their phone charged or being more assertive and asking to be taken home first or any other number of skills, none of which is improved by doling out consequences or punishments. Help them get better at the skills they lack – that’s the whole point.

So, every misbehavior doesn’t require consequences. But what if they’re just not getting it? What if they don’t understand they’ve done something wrong or they’ve done it several times now and you’ve tried helping them with all sorts of tips and tricks and workarounds.

Well, you’re potentially moving into logical consequence territory now. And, when I say logical, I mean several things all rolled up into one. I mean whatever you do, this must be logically related to the skill they need to learn – the thing they can’t get right.

So, if they’ve been sneaking their phone into their room at night after it’s supposed to be placed on the charger in the kitchen, and you’ve tried helping them understand why you don’t want them to have it in the bedroom after a certain time, you’ve helped them by suggesting books to read at bedtime and you’ve talked about the ill-effects of blue light, etc. but they just can’t seem to give up the phone after bedtime then there are things you can come up with together to make this less of a temptation for them.

But you discuss it, you each throw out ideas and settle on something. If you can’t agree, you  of course have the final say.

So, what might be a logical consequence here? Is it taking away the phone for a week? No, that’s not what I would suggest. Again, will that help them here? What do they need to learn? They need to learn how to do without their phone after bedtime. So, how can you help them resist the temptation to take it to their bedroom?

What if they two of you agreed that you’d charge it in your room at night where you could keep an eye on it. Or if you or they still think they could sneak in and get it, what if you turned the phone off at the source – the cell carrier (some allow you to do that). Or there are even parental control apps that allow you to lock the phone at a certain time I believe (like maybe Net Nanny). And if all else fails, you can buy a wooden box, add a lock and key, drill holes in the back for the cords and lock the phones up to charge at night and keep the key hidden. I think for me, someone would probably have to do that at this point.

Again, it’s about helping them with the temptation and the ability to go to bed without the phone – not punishing them for sneaking the phone! There’s a big difference.

Just remember, it must be logically related to what they need to learn, and if something must be taken away, there should be a clear end-time (think hours or a day or two rather than weeks or months) but get creative here. If you’ve just discovered your kid’s talked to a stranger online or sent a nude photo over a DM, watch a documentary together. Web of Lies on ID in the US is a great show that tells real stories of young people who’ve fallen victim to scams on the internet. Have them write a paragraph about what they learned or just ask them to tell you what they think after watching it. There are plenty of ways to teach kids the skills they need without depriving them of their “stuff” every time.

And finally, remember that natural consequences are the very best teacher. The only time you wouldn’t allow natural consequences are when they might fall into one of those 5 categories I mentioned in episode 155 (for example, you wouldn’t allow a dangerous natural consequence or one that’s unhealthy, illegal unethical or likely to close some door – and I would add, anything that may be emotionally or psychologically damaging).

 

 

That’s the only time you would jump in and rescue your kid from natural consequence. Otherwise – that’s the best teacher in the world. If they have to wear a dirty uniform to play in because they forgot to wash it, they will likely not do it again. If they leave their good jacket outside and someone steals it, they don’t have the jacket anymore and have to save their money to buy another one. If they talk about a friend behind their back, the friend might ditch them. We all learn really hard lessons sometimes – it’s just part of being human.

But I’ll also say that it depends on the circumstances and there are always exceptions to the rule of not rescuing. If they’re playing in the big game and they’re normally pretty responsible and you see they’ve left their proper shoes at home, then by all means, take them to school for them.

It’s when these things are a habit or they take for granted that a parent will rescue them, that it really becomes a problem. Life’s tough lessons go down better when they’re still living with you and you can support them through it. Once they leave home, if they’ve never learned, those lessons are much harder on them.

Now, my final words about the things we parents do that can make our teens’ behavior worse and this is the overall biggie – it’s really everything we’ve talked about combined. And it’s caused by our emotional dysregulation – our fear. We get all scared and nervous about what they are and are not doing that they shouldn’t or should be doing and we double down on everything (misinterpreting their behavior, addressing their attitude with our own attitude, treating them with disrespect, reminding and questioning and interrogating, invalidating their feelings, not listening and pushing our own agenda instead, we’re easier to get upset and lose it with them, we start throwing out all sorts of controlling rules and punishing them left and right…and you know what that does?

Your teen starts lying and sneaking around and using substances and getting in trouble at school and yells and throws fits and won’t speak to you and keeps everything from you and totally freezes you out of their life. You no longer have any influence because you no longer have any emotional connection to them.

Now, is it too late? No – never. It’s never too late. You CAN work your way back. There are people who have done it. I did it. People in parent camp have done it. YOU can do it. But you can’t keep doing what you’re doing and expect things to change. Nope – YOU have to change your behavior before your teen will change theirs.

And this part isn’t easy but it’s the only way. You have to back off. You have to get a handle on your own fear and emotional dysregulation. You have to understand what’s in your control and what isn’t. And your teenager’s behavior is not in your control. You can certainly influence your teen’s behavior, but you’ve lost that ability at this point. You’ve likely worked your way into a corner with all the rules and consequences and your teen has given up any hope if pleasing you so they’re just doing what they want.

You have to get that connection back. You have to put aside your fear for their future and you have to learn how to support their autonomy, find some nugget in them that you still like and try to find common ground. They were your sweet baby at one time, and they worshipped you. And you couldn’t have ever imagined not liking them all that much. But here you are and they’re not all that likable right now.

I know – I’ve certainly been there. I didn’t want to be in the same room with my son for quite a while. He found nothing I said acceptable, and I felt the same way about him. And he felt my disdain for him, I’m certain. It was palpable. They’re wearing armor right now. They’re protecting themselves from the jabs and barbs and lectures and judgment they feel from you. And they’re throwing it right back at you to keep you at bay. They want you to believe they don’t need you – that they don’t need anyone. They’re pretty convinced there’s nothing about them that you still like. And it hurts them even though they act like it doesn’t.

Don’t let this go on. Learn how to turn things around. Join me in Parent Camp. The link is in the episode description.

Alright, that’s it for speaking of teens. I really appreciate you being here with me today. If you love the show, please share it with a friend.

And remember, until next time, a little change goes a long way.