Is your teen using substances? Vaping nicotine, dabbing weed, drinking alcohol?

Do you know why they’re using? Have you had that conversation with them? What does this substance do for them, why do they feel they need it?

There could be many different answers and frankly, your kid may not even be able to articulate the reason they want to use.

But certainly, one major underlying reason many kids use substances is because of some trauma they’ve suffered. And this can even be trauma that they actually have no conscious memory of.

One such trauma is adoption relinquishment. But that trauma could be and often is, sexual abuse or some other type of abuse of which you may be completely unaware.

Today, on the show, we’re talking about trauma, adoption, substances and how to best help your child when they’re using. This episode is for you even if your child is not adopted – so stay with me.

This is Speaking of Teens, the podcast that teaches you the science of parenting adolescents so you can be less stressed and more excited about having a teenager. I’m Ann Coleman, I’m an attorney turned parent educator and I’ve spent years studying the science of teen behavior and I want to help you learn how to parent your teens for the best possible outcome.

I invited Beth Syverson to the show today because I see how needed her message is. As an adoptive mom to a kid who’s struggled with his mental health and substance use, she’s a wealth of knowledge for parents who may not understand the intersectionality of these issues with adoption trauma.

But whether your teen is adopted or not, you’ll learn something here today about how to think about your teen who is using substances and how to best support them towards recovery.

I started out by asking Beth to tell us about how she and her son got to where they are today.

 

Beth

Yeah, so my son is 20 now and we adopted him at seven months from Japan and his childhood was lovely. He is talented. He's an athlete. He's a musician. He's delightful. He was a very big people pleaser and so he was a really great kid. It made our lives pretty easy. Everyone's like, man, Joey's so vibrant and bright and...

 

 

And he just made everyone happy, any room he entered in. And then around 13 years old, he discovered cannabis and I didn't realize it for probably a year and a half or two years. And everything started to kind of go south at that point. He got sullen and isolating. And I just thought that was what adolescence looks like, because I didn't know, I was my only kid. I don't know. So like, all right, I guess he wants more alone time. So.

 

everything was kind of weird, just kind of floating around going on the surface and running into baseball and doing the things. And then one day in February of 2019, he attempted suicide and nothing has been the same ever since. So he luckily told a friend and his friends took him right to the school counselor. And that got us into the pipeline of getting him to mental health. Went to a

 

adolescent psych hospital kind of situation for 10 days. I thought that would fix him up. I thought he'd be good to go. Whew, that was dodged a bullet there. But no, it was just the very beginning of this very long journey that we're still on. So it's been tough and we've learned that the addiction, the cannabis and also psychedelics were underneath the suicidality. And we also have learned that adoption is kind of underneath everything. It's kind of the core root of all of his big issues, behavior issues that have come up, the addiction and the suicidality, underneath all that is the adoption.

 

Ann

Well, and that's, you know, of course I've told you, you know, my son was adopted and we, my listeners know that. And that is something that I think adoptive parents want to put in the background. You know, as long as everything's going well, like you said, Joey was great. And everybody was like, this kid's wonderful. And he wasn't having any problems. And so, you know, we, yes, we adopted him. He's our child and you just keep moving on. Yeah. So then when, when things start, like spiraling there at that age and you realize, I mean, what made you realize that it was an adoption issue? Because we never got to that point really.

 

Beth Syverson

huh. Yeah. It didn't dawn on me either. I am grateful that a friend of mine, acquaintance really not a good friend, but like an acquaintance who is an adult adoptee herself. She says, Beth, isn't Joey adopted? You might want to look into that. I'm like, what? That has something to do with anything. And she gave me a number of a therapist and she told me about the book, The Primal Wound, which is a very common book for people to read that are wanting to understand adoption. It's a tough read, really tough read.

I've known lots of people that threw that book in the trash because it's too hard. But if you're willing to read it, it's really helpful, even for allies or family members or therapists should read that book. But so I read it and I called this therapist and I said, my gosh, I have this adopted kid. He's trying to kill himself. He keeps running away. He's addicted to drugs. And she was just like, mm hmm. Yep. huh. I was like, what?

You're not surprised. You're not shocked because all of our friends do not know how to handle this at all. They're like, what? And, you know, I lost a lot of friends that just couldn't deal. They're like, buh -bye. This seems contagious. I can't deal with this. But this woman, she was like, yep, I see this all the time. I see this all the time with adopted teens. And I found out later that 40 adoptees are 43 % more likely to struggle with addiction in their lifetime. And they're four times as likely to attempt suicide.

So I wish I had known those statistics when my son was younger because I like to think that I would have paid more attention and been more on top of things, but I didn't know.

 

Ann

Exactly. Yeah. I mean, that's the sad thing, isn't it? That, you know, as I mentioned, I was an adoption attorney for two years and I knew nothing about this. I did not, I was not like, not warning, but I wasn't, you know, trying to educate birth families. I mean, adoptive families about that. And no one certainly, you know, my attorney didn't educate me. So we're dropping the ball big time. But you know, for people, listening like I know I have a lot of listeners, I have several people in parent camp who have adopted teens who are going through this very thing right now. So what can you explain a little bit about that? Like how, you know, we adopted our child at birth, we took him home from the hospital. So where's the trauma? You know, that's what I'm sure a lot of adoptive parents think is, well, what's traumatic about that? They don't know anyone else but us. So please explain.

 

Beth Syverson

Yeah, right. Yeah. And that's the way I went into this thing too. I was like, well, we did a great thing. You know, Joey's mom was too young to take care of him and we wanted a baby and we helped, you know, you feel like you're helping people. And then to come to a point where you realize, shoot, this adoption thing could have been really harmful. That's like, ugh, it's a terrible feeling as an adoptive parent. And a lot of adoptive parents just push it away and like, cannot deal with this at all. But what I encourage adoptive parents to do is to just breathe and just to go, I didn't know what I didn't know. You can't know what you don't know. But once you do know, then you can do some things. One thing I encourage adoptive parents is to focus on ourselves as parents and not try to tell our kids you're adopted so you're traumatized and this is what we're going to make you do now. So that's not the approach I would take at all. I would take the approach of huh let me look into this myself and work on my own wounds as an adoptive parent because we often come into adoption through infertility or other losses. So did we deal with those? I don't think so. Most of us like me, went right from infertility to, whoop, that didn't work, let me go this other direction. So working on our own grief and trauma and loss, and then working on our own ideas of our child.

And okay, so even if, you know, I adopted my son as an infant from Japan, he has no like cognitive memory of this. But as the, I don't know if you're familiar with Bessel van der Kolk's wonderful book, The Body Keeps Its Score. Even if you can't remember, even if your brain is blocked it out or in our son's case, they were too little to understand what was going on, their body knows and their soul knows. And I believe my son in utero was experiencing trauma. I can't even imagine a scenario where a woman would give birth and have a wonderful pregnancy, a beautiful, nurturing, connected relationship with their child in their belly and then...decide to adopt later. It seems like in any scenario I can think of, the pregnancy is extremely traumatic for all involved, because they know that they might not be able to keep this child or the relinquishment is in their mind. And that cortisol is gonna like infuse that fetus, right? So even in utero, our children struggled. And then as soon as they're born, there have been studies done that children, babies know their mother.

They know the smell, they know how her milk will taste. They know her voice. They've done these experiments where different people will call the child and the child, they turn toward their birth mother's voice. So even if you cut the umbilical cord and took the child right from the hospital, that baby's like, what the heck? Where's my mother? The one that I just grew in for 10 months, right? So.

There's a loss there and I know it's hard. I know it's hard for adoptive parents. I know, I know. It's very emotional because we thought we were doing a really wonderful thing and we did a wonderful thing and we can hold both things. It is wonderful and it's also really hard for everybody, for everybody.

 

Ann

Yeah, it's emotional. Well, and it's what you were saying, the reason I feel like I'm gonna ball. No, it's just that I remember bringing my son home from hospital. And that first night, he was in the hospital for two days, excuse me, with his birth mother before she signed the papers. And she breastfed him and she held him and she nurtured him. And I knew all of this and I knew she was...

 

Beth Syverson

I'm so sorry. Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm.

 

Ann

you know, nurturing him in the womb. He knew her voice. All of this was in my brain when we brought him home from the hospital. And the first night home, he screamed all night long, literally screamed. And I said out loud to my husband, he misses his mother. He misses his mother. And I felt it to my core and I knew it, but I pushed it, and pushed it and pushed it for years, pushed it away. But like I said, he had an open adoption. He knows his birth grandparents. He knows his birth mother. He knows his birth siblings, three half siblings. But it is still, I knew that. I knew that instinctively. I knew that, but I would not let myself go there. And he screamed for three months and he...continued screaming. He still screams now and then at 23. I mean, he has that temperament and that wound of adoption and that being ripped out of your mother's arms, even like you said, with not having that cognitive memory of it, it is a memory in their body. It's a memory in their soul and they don't even know where that pain is coming from. Right? I mean, is that so what do they, how do they help them with like this therapist that you spoke to, what do they do to help them with this?

 

 

Beth Syverson

Yeah, it's kind of a lifelong process from what I understand. And I'm in touch with many adult adoptees that are continuing this process forever. And it's not like, I can just tell you three things and it'll be all good. But it's just, it's like if, you know, if your parent dies as an infant and maybe your mother died in childbirth, there's going to be lasting effects of that. So it's kind of like that.

No one died, but it's a loss and your child doesn't know the difference. Their mother's gone, they don't know. But the things that we do, that we've done, is we've just made ourselves more aware of adoption issues and complexities. My therapist recommended we bring in senses, like Japanese, because my son was adopted from Japan, so food. I ended up starting taiko drumming from that suggestion, which has been wonderful for me. I thought he would join me and do this. It's a drumming. I don't know if you're familiar with the drumming with the arms and the, it's.

 

Ann

I think I heard you mention that on another podcast and I'm envisioning I think I do know what you're talking about but that sounds like fun.

 

Beth Syverson

Yeah, it's a big giant drums. it's so therapeutic and cathartic, but my son won't do it with me because now mom does it. It's not cool. So not good at all, but I love it. But so incorporating things and you with an open adoption with your child's birth family, that is a huge plus. That helps so much. Having secrecy or barriers or obstacles to connecting with their birth family is harmful, I think.

 

Ann

Not cool. Yeah. Yeah.

 

Beth Syverson

Secrecy for sure. I think most people nowadays don't keep that big secret from their child that they're adopted But that's happened many many many times in the past. I think our culture has changed a bit on that I occasionally hear people do that So if you're doing that to your kid just go get a therapist and help have them help you to tell your child immediately because that needs to be told and then it's just a constant Finding more of your truth getting in touch with the adoptee, getting in touch with their anger, their feelings, their deep sadness. And a lot of it's gonna be somatic work. Because like we talked about, they were babies. They don't have thoughts. They don't have memories. Luckily, we don't remember ourselves as babies. That would probably be really hard. So it's in your body. So yoga, somatic therapy, there's all sorts of things in your body that you can do, like literally just exercise.

Movement the drumming is excellent any sort of thing that uses both sides of your body cross hemisphere work is great There's so many great therapies nowadays EMDR is another great one. Are you familiar with EMDR? Eye movement desensitization and better so any So what it does because I do EMDR too And you can use your eyes or tap on both sides your body. It's a cross hemisphere practice and what it does it gets past?

 

Ann

Yes, my son did that. Yeah, I don't understand it at all.

 

Beth Syverson

your frontal lobe and it gets deeper into your more subconscious brain and it pulls up memories. That's why you want to do it with a skilled therapist because it can pull up some really tough stuff. So use that with caution. Brain spotting is another one that can kind of bypass your frontal lobe because you can do cognitive behavioral therapy and talk therapy until you're blue in the face. It won't touch the adoption trauma. I'm so sorry. It helps, you know, change behaviors and do things. It's not worthless but it won't touch that core wound. But those kinds of things. And just the awareness is huge, just the awareness.

 

Ann

That's good to know. Right. Well, and I will say, you know, when my son went to residential treatment, there were several kids there who had been adopted. And I thought, hmm, I mean, that was the first time that I was like, maybe this is a thing. And then, but no one ever addressed that issue with him. No therapist addressed the issue in residential treatment. So I'm just, and they didn't address it with us. So I'm curious. I know your son, Joey has been in treatment and in some very good places. So have they, do they address that in treatment with these kids?

 

Beth Syverson

We have not had great luck with that. And by the way, 30 to 40 % at least of people, youth in residential treatment programs are adopted or fostered people, 30 to 40%. And I've heard way higher numbers, but those numbers are the ones that I can substantiate. So, and if you look at incarcerated individuals, it's a huge number, especially fostered, it's huge, like incredibly huge.

 

Ann

wow.

 

Beth Syverson

So there's something to this. We need to all kind of start waking up. But we've had psychiatrists say, no, Joey was a baby. He doesn't remember. It's nothing. We've had that several times. Therapists, totally clueless. And then we've had therapists go, yeah, that's a thing. And I don't have the tools to deal with that. And it will take too long. And your insurance only pays for a month of whatever. And we don't want to open that Pandora's box. Well, somebody's got to open that Pandora's box. I don't know. You guys need to support longer treatment or something, something needs to change here. But so right now, my son is in rehab and no, no one's addressed it there, but he and he digs into it occasionally. Sometimes he's like, no, mom, I'm just dealing with my addiction right now. I can't deal with my adoption. And so he kind of segments it and pushes it away sometimes. So that might be why he's not on right now with us. I'm not totally sure. Could be. But he knows it's a thing.

He knows that his core feeling of being unworthy of anything is it affects everything. That self -destructive behavior of addiction and suicidality is rooted in that I'm worthless, my mother threw me away. Why do I even care? Why do I even try to nurture myself? He's so much better at nurturing other people. He cares deeply for other people and will help anyone. He's really got a quite a good codependent streak going, you know, like a lot of addicted people do, like a lot of parents do. And so that he's very happy to help other people, but to help himself is very hard for him to do.

 

 

Ann

So did he realize when he started using that that was the feeling that he had, that he was worthless, that he'd been thrown away? When was he able to articulate that?

 

Beth Syverson

He articulated the feeling of being thrown away when he was about eight or nine. So before substances, but I did not do a good job of it. I remember distinctly, we were driving down the freeway, he's like, mom, I'm really sad today because I think my mom threw me away. And I said, honey, no, no, no, she didn't throw you away. She loves you. We love you. It's all good. Just quit being sad. And that was not a great way to do that because guess what?

Then he wouldn't talk to me about it anymore because he knew, mom can't handle that conversation. So close that door. So I kind of messed that up. But now we can talk about it deeply. And one of the substances he used was psychedelics and he used it in a very unsafe manner in his bedroom by himself and got into some trouble with that. Almost lost him a few times because of that. But he…as part of his psychedelic journeys, he's met his birth mother in the other realm and has felt these giant hugs from the universe like, okay, I'm okay after all. So why wouldn't he want to use that? It makes sense.

 

Ann

Wow. Right. Well, and there is something to that. I mean, they're in a therapeutic sense. I mean, they're, you know, we don't want them smoking it, whatever they do with it in their bedroom. But yeah, there is. And maybe that is would be a good therapy for him.

 

Beth Syverson

definitely.

 

Beth Syverson

Yeah, it could be in the future. We're not sure if it would be too risky for him because of his past with it. Like, maybe it would. But there are, I know adoptees who lead ayahuasca retreats and psilocybin retreats and in a very conscious, therapeutic manner with all sorts of supports. And I highly recommend if people are willing to look at that to look look toward that, I'd be happy to set people up with people that I know and trust. And Joey might do that later. But yeah, that's a great way to get into your subconscious and to deal with some real deep stuff. That's really good way.

 

Ann

And so it is, I mean, there are people out there that recommend it for adopted kids in particular, or adopted people in particular, that it gets to that wound. Yeah.

 

Beth Syverson

Yeah, adults. Yeah, yeah, you can definitely psychedelics can help you get to that deep, deep stuff. But I would definitely not recommend it for kids. It would need to be for adults.

 

Ann

You said in one episode where you were interviewed, you talked about the, craft method. And I think you were talking about the difference between craft and some of these other programs of, because I talk to a lot of people who are going through similar things with their kids. They're smoking a lot of weed. They don't know what to do. They've gotten to the point of maybe they should go to treatment or maybe they're in treatment. And so a lot of people hear that they have to hit rock bottom thing or you know, you have to tough love, drive them here, let them out. Don't let them back in the house, that kind of thing.

 

So tell us the difference between that attitude and what this other method, the craft method is, and maybe even tell us what craft is because it is such a weird acronym.

 

Beth Syverson

Yeah, yeah, craft stands for community reinforcement and family therapy. And I credit craft and my life coach, Heather Ross, for completely turning around our family's ship. It is in contrast to the tough love method. It is keeping in connection with our kids that are struggling and providing unconditional positive regard. So instead of slamming the door and say, let me know when you're sober. I can't talk to you until you're sober.

I continue to stay connected with him even in heavy use, even when he's really not in a good spot. And particularly at those times, because what you want as a parent is you want your kid to come to you when they're ready to be in recovery. You don't want them to have to crawl back to you with their tail between their legs because guess what? They won't. They won't come to you. If you have slammed the door on them and said, let me know when you're sober, well, they may or may not ever come back to you. So, craft is a proven method to get our loved ones into recovery sooner. And the idea of waiting till someone hits rock bottom is absolutely terrifying to me because right now with fentanyl out there and so many other problems out there in the drug supply and suicidality, rock bottom is dead.

I don't want our kids to die. I don't want my kid to die. So what can I do? So this is the craft method is not about changing our kids. It's about changing ourselves as parents or loved ones, spouses or whoever allies. What can we do to provide a safe place to land when our kids or our loved ones want to be in recovery? And how can we best support them while they are struggling so deeply? Because if our kids are suicidal, if they're depressed, if they're anxious, if they're self -harming, if they're using substances, they're hurting. They're not trying to be rebellious. They're not trying to make us bananas. They are hurting really, really deeply.

One of the main tenants of the craft method is this idea that behaviors make sense. Why did my kid choose weed? Well, because it numbs you out. It is a great number outer of all bad feelings and you just feel kind of nothingness or sometimes kind of good.

But after a while, he doesn't even feel good with using it anymore. It just makes him feel numb. Well, why does he want to feel numb? Because his feelings are so painful. He cannot sit with them.

So how can I be a person that can stay connected with him so he can try to work through some of those tough feelings so he can use weed less? So I'm also a big harm reductionist. I don't believe in don't ever use it ever again. That kind of language that doesn't work as well as, yeah, it's like, I can't do that. So forget the whole thing. So how can you use it more safely? How can you use less? What can I do to support you? That kind of thing.

 

Ann

Well, and parents listening, I mean, I hear it all the time. If I'm doing this and I'm still being nice and still being congenial, am I not promoting and condoning their use? So, what do you say to people who are like, gosh, I mean, if you're not saying stop it or get out or whatever, aren't you just condoning them to keep using?

 

Beth Syverson

Yeah, I've actually had psychiatrists and people telling me, well, you're just letting your son use and he knows that you don't mind that he uses. And I say, he very, very well knows I do very much mind that he uses. And I'm not throwing it in his face every five seconds. I'm not asking him how much are you using? When's the last time you used? How are you? I try very hard to not talk about drugs at all with my son. And it's sometimes hard because he's not - when he's in the middle of using, there's very little else going on for him.

So I tell him what I'm doing. I tell him about the animals. I tell him about what I'm cooking for dinner. I tell him about the baseball team or, you know, but there are other things in life to talk about than drugs.

So, but to, and for our adopted kids, my goodness, the shame, my son's shame -ometer is super sensitive, like super-duper sensitive. If I added any shame on top of this situation, it's like a bonfire.

 

Ann

Yeah.

 

Beth Syverson

and it would just make everything way worse. So craft reduces shame on everybody's part. We're all just doing the best we can. I totally believe that 99 % of people, literally this is the best they can do. What they're showing us is the best they can do. So how can we approach our kids or our loved ones without adding shame and creating a place where they can come to you? You want your kid to come to you when they're having a problem. You don't want them coming to the local drug dealer or their friend that's also using drugs or, you know, the predator that would be happy to keep them stuck into the drugs situation. So you want them coming to you. So how can you change, you know, our parents' behavior toward our kids? So that's what has helped us tremendously.

 

Ann

Right. So the more that you fuss at them about it, the more you nag them, the more you say, where are you going? Where have you been? What are you going to do? Is that weed in your pocket? You know, all of that stuff is what drives them away and keeps them from coming to us to ask us for help or whatever. Yeah, I remember you said, I wrote it down in a podcast I heard you on, you said connection is the opposite of addiction.

 

Beth Syverson

Yeah, yeah. Our goal is not sobriety. Our goal is connection. Connection is what will knock out addiction. If people don't feel connected, they grab onto substances. and I need to mention, in addition to all this positive talk and, you know, compassion and empathy, there has to be extremely strong boundaries that are very well thought out and that you actually uphold. So that's the other side of the coin that Craft teaches.

 

Ann

Yeah, tell me about that, like for examples.

 

Beth Syverson

So. For example, my son is not allowed to live at our house anymore, ever again, because his dad is part of the problem. My ex -husband buys him drugs and smuggles drugs to him when he's trying to be in recovery. And so we've had him in recovery at our house several times and his dad takes him to lunch and leaves him with some other drugs. And so the last time that that happened, we said, okay, we can't do this anymore if your dad's gonna do that, you're gonna have to live with your dad and you can't live here. Now, so that's a huge boundary. He knows he can never live here again, even if, you know, yeah. So that's a huge, very strong boundary. But when we set that boundary, I said, but I will come down and take you to lunch a couple of times a week. I'm happy to talk to you on the phone anytime. I will provide you whatever resources that we have available for rehab or therapy or whatever.

So I didn't cut him off, but I set this very strong boundary because we could not handle it anymore. We were dying every time that that happened and it wasn't helping his recovery.

 

Ann

Right, well, let me ask you about that because that, I want people to understand you didn't kick him out onto the street, right? Because that's what a lot of people think, you know, you can't live here anymore. I don't care where you go, go couch surf, go, but you made arrangements for him to get help, right?

 

Beth Syverson

Mm -hmm. Yes, yes, yes. So yes, and he had his dads, he ran away to his dads the last time. And when he was running away, we're like, okay, if you leave, yeah, this part is not gonna happen anymore. But I'm sorry, I forgot the question.

 

Ann

No, I was just saying, you know, a lot of people, I hear people all the time say, well, just kick them out, lock the door, don't let them back in. But do you do that and just let them live on the street or couch surf? Or do you make sure that they're safe when you do that?

 

Beth Syverson

I would try very hard to make sure that they're safe. Luckily, I guess, I don't know, he had his dad, so he had a roof over his head. It was very dysfunctional and kept him in substances. But if he didn't have that, I would give him a typewritten list of, or forward it to his phone, of rehabs, homeless shelters, sober livings, whatever resources you have in your community. And you can call if you're in the US, call 211. And that's a great resource for all sorts of kinds of programs and things like that. Maybe like a youth support group, homeless situation kind of place. And so that takes some research and planning. And if anyone has ever tried to get any of those resources, they do not make it easy. So if you as a parent can do some of those phone calls and find out, okay, where in our town are there available beds if he's in a crisis, and then you make that available to him, to your child.

 

Ann

That just, it just breaks my heart to think of that. And I don't know, I mean, I don't know if I could have let my son go somewhere like that because my thought would have been, won't it just get worse if he's in a homeless shelter and everybody else is probably doing drugs? I mean, how do you get beyond that and say, well, it's just my boundary. I mean, it's, ugh, that's just hard for me to comprehend.

 

Beth Syverson

It's tough and it may get worse. I mean, things have gotten worse with my son at his dad's and at other, you know, even at rehab, it's been difficult. There's been really big ups and downs and it's swinging and rollercoastery. And at a certain point, especially if they're an adult, now if they're kids, it's slightly different and you try to, you know, send them to residential or wilderness or you try things and sending kids away, they're adopted by the way. That's kind of fraught too.

That brings up some more issues, but sometimes you have to keep your kids safe. So, but let's assume they're adults. Let's just go there. But I believe that every person on this earth has a path that they need to walk. And my son's making all sorts of choices every single day. We all make choices. And his choices and his situation and his mental health have created this really difficult path. He's like on the extra challenging part of the game, right? And he, I can only do so much, especially now that he's 20. He's an adult and I can do very, very little. Even when he was an older teen, there's very little a person can do. You can't pick them up and put them where you want them to be. And part of this is letting go of what I have control over and what I don't have control over. And this is my son's path to walk.

And I will do my best to be the safe presence and provide resources as I can through our insurance or whatever we're willing to pay for. And then the rest is kind of up to him. And that letting go is super duper hard.

 

Ann

Right. Well, and he's been like in and out of recovery since 15, is that right? And so he goes like how, I guess my thought is for people who are listening and this can either have something to do with adoption or not have something to do with adoption. Your kid may be going in and out of recovery and have issues with weed or whatever, and it has nothing to do with adoption, but that...

 

Beth Syverson

Yeah. Mm -hmm. Sure.

 

Ann

that going back and forth, what have you learned along the way in this journey with, I hate calling it a journey, but I mean, with this back and forth, I mean, what do you see? Are there things that you feel like you could have done differently or that the system could have done differently to make this a straighter path to recovery?

 

Beth Syverson

Yeah, I find there's so many obstacles with our systems. That's kind of probably a topic for another day, but there's so many obstacles that people don't make it easy. Like my kid has ADHD. He's a very kinesthetic learner and they in rehab, they have him sit and listen to lectures all day. That does not work for him. And so then he just rebels or not rebels, but like isolates and doesn't want to do it. And then the whole thing kind of goes south. And so it's a big problem. I kind of in my mind want to create this ideal rehab situation, but that would probably be a nightmare to do, but where there's more, you know. Yeah, but I think they should take them on hikes and go swimming and do fun things and some lectures or more interactive. God, get these people moving their bodies. And again, that the body keeps the score, the pain, the chaos is in their body, not in their mind. Let's quit talking to the mind.

 

Ann

One day we'll have to do that because I have the same thought in my head.

 

Beth Syverson

But one thing I have an overall thing that I've learned to do is I, and I'm still working on this, so I'm not perfect at it, but what I do is I treat my son the same. And he knows to expect the same from me no matter what, no matter what is on the other end of that phone call. I try very hard to be the same. I try not to freak out. I try to stay calm and breathe and be validating, listening.

“my God, it sounds like you had a really hard experience with a guy in your sober living house. That sounds terrible.” And not try to problem solve or tell them what to do, but to be an empathetic listener and provide, again, provide resources if I can, but he may not want those resources. So whatever he brings to me, I try to be the same. I try to be consistent and compassionate and empathetic. And it's been a huge learning curve for me because I am kind of bossy and want to fix people. So this is harder. This is craft. It's craft, yeah.

 

Ann

How did you learn that Beth? Because when my son went into, okay, that's craft. Because that's what I started learning when my son went into residential treatment because the family therapist was like, you don't know how to talk to him, do you? And I'm like, no, I don't. I don't understand. And so I started reading about emotion coaching and it's all very, very related. The same type of you know, validation and listening and being empathetic and all of that. And if, you know, if they taught us these things when we left the hospital, whether babies adopted or not, I mean, that would be really nice to know. But it does sound like that Joey has come a long way and he's very positive, right? And he is in sober living. So his journey, I mean, tell just...just quickly, I mean, where has he gotten and how hard has it been to get him where he is right now? For himself, I guess, not you, but.

 

Beth Syverson

yeah. So he, you know, he's been in rehab now for 45 days or so, not rehab. He's, he's been in recovery for 45 days. He went for about a month at Betty Ford and he's been in sober living now for a week and a half. And he has his, his very big trauma response is flight. When he feels uncomfortable, he wants to just leave and he used to run away all the time. And drugs are another way to have that flight response. You know, that's a great way to leave- is to just use drugs. That gets you out of your head. But now he's able to have that trigger, have the trauma response come up. And he calls me and we talk about, I'm so uncomfortable, Mom, I just want to leave, but he hasn't left yet. This is huge. He wants to leave. And I can say, I hear you. You want to go anywhere else but here. It's so uncomfortable. I hear you. And...I am so proud of you because you are still sitting there in that little tiny room in the sober living house and you're sticking it out and I'm super proud of you. So acknowledging. So, yeah, that's the roller coaster lately. It's not been chasing around town, but it's been chasing his mind that wants to leave and then trying to pull him back in. I try real hard to get him to go swimming or go ride his bike or go for a walk or something when he gets kind of spinning like that. That helps them a lot.

 

 

Ann

I have friends whose children were not adopted who experienced trauma, who experienced trauma very early on in their lives, and the parents knew nothing about it. Or there was trauma in the family that the parents didn't acknowledge. So, you know, a lot of this that our kids go through can be trauma -based, that we're just not recognizing it. So, all of this is so helpful, Beth. And I wanna tell people how they can find you and what you do exactly, because I know you have a group and a podcast. So tell us all about it.

 

Beth Syverson

The easiest way to find us is UnravelingAdoption .com. So that's our website and you can find our podcast there. It's called Unraveling Adoption. I have a group for adoptive parents called Aptitude. It's free. I do coaching. So, I focus mostly on adoptive parents, but I'm happy to coach anyone about parenting or whatever, life goals or anything like that. And I also do events and things and we're writing a book - well we've written it, I'm trying to get it self -published very soon and it's called Adoptes and Suicidality. So, and it's actually going to be a series of books about adoption and other stuff. So this first one is about suicidality as it intersects with adoption. So that's kind of the things we're working on right now. Yeah.

 

Ann

that's wonderful. wow. Okay. And so a lot of the trauma and the science and all of, that's wonderful. Okay. Well, be sure and let me know when that comes out and we'll put all the links and everything in the show notes for everything that you have right now as well. So yes, thank you so much, Beth. That was wonderful. So Beth, thank you so much for being here.

 

Beth Syverson

Thank you, Ann, and all the best to your family and all of your listeners. Thank you so much for having me on.

Ann

Thank you.

That’s it for Speaking of Teens today – I’m so glad you were hear and heard this powerful message. If you’re an adoptive parent or foster parent, parent through surrogacy and need support, please check the links in the show notes and listen to Beth’s podcast and join her group.

I’ll also have the links to the books in the show notes.

And please remember, until next time, a little change goes a long way.