It’s party season for teenagers. April, May, the end of school, graduation, going into summer. With that in mind, I have a pop quiz for you.

True or False?

• Allowing your teen to drink alcohol – have a sip with you occasionally, will remove the mystique of it all and can teach them to drink responsibly, keep them from binge drinking and developing a problem with alcohol.

And one more

• Allowing your teen and friends to drink at your home, where you or other adults will be present, is the best way to insure their safety since they’re going to drink anyway.

That’s it – that’s the quiz. I’m going to give you the answers and explain everything you need to know about your teenagers, drinking, parties, and your role as a parent…stay right there.

This is Speaking of Teens, the podcast that that teaches you the science of parenting adolescents so you can be less stressed and more excited about having a teenager. I’m Ann Coleman, I’m an attorney turned parent educator and I’ve spent years studying the science of teen behavior and I want to help you learn how to parent your teens for the best possible outcome.

Let’s start with the first question: Should you allow your teen to drink with you to teach them to drink responsibly, maybe take the intrigue out of it, make sure they’re with you and safe if they’re going to drink, not make it forbidden fruit, show them how to do it right before going off to college and jumping in with both feet?

Well, according to overwhelming scientific evidence, including surveys and scientific studies from all over the world, the short answer, no, you should absolutely, without a doubt, not attempt to teach your teens to be responsible with alcohol by allowing them to drink with you or in your home under your supervision.

 

First, it is a proven fact, that the earlier a person takes their first drink of alcohol, no matter where or with whom, the more likely they are to have a drinking problem as an adult.

There are neurobiological reasons for this, and you can listen to episodes 130 and 132 for more on that.

 

According to SAMHSA (an agency of the U.S government), Adults who had tried alcohol before the age of 15 were 6 and a half times more likely to have an alcohol use disorder (some call this alcoholism) that those who didn’t have their first drink until after the age of 21. 6 and a half times more likely.

Statistically, 41% of people who have their first drink by age 12, develop an alcohol use disorder that will stay with them throughout their life.

That statistic drops from 41% to 18% for teens who wait to take their first sip when they’re 18 and if they can put it off until they’re 21, only 11% developed a problem.

Numerous well-known, widely accepted, peer-reviewed, scientific studies have shown over and over that the younger someone begins using any addictive substance, the more likely they will become addicted and will have a lifelong issue with that substance.

There’s just no doubt that the longer we can help our teens put off trying alcohol, the less likely they will have a problem with it.

Plus, the younger they start drinking, the more damage they can do to their brain, and their ability to learn healthy and more positive outlets to regulate their emotions – because what do humans use alcohol for? Yes, to deal with stress, emotional overload.

Yet, between 30 and 50% of adolescents get their first taste of alcohol under parental supervision.

 

 

EUROPE

Now, if you feel inclined to point to European countries like France, Germany, Italy, and Spain, where either the minimum legal drinking age is 18, or there is no minimum legal drinking age or it’s just culturally acceptable for adolescents to drink at an earlier age with parents, and say, well, those kids are doing great. Or if you live there – our kids are doing great.

Well, not so fast.

I’ll give you a quick overview. Comparing data points in European countries and the U.S. almost twice as many teens in Europe say they’d consumed alcohol in the past 30 says as teens in the U.S. (35% to 18.4%) and it was also almost twice as many teens in Europe that said yes, when asked if they’d ever drank alcohol before (about 79% to 43%). So, we expected that, right? We already said, it’s more acceptable in Europe. Okay.

But these are the numbers that should really get your attention: 34% of kids in Europe had binged on alcohol in the past 30 days. Binging is considered 5 or more drinks in a row, at one time for boys and 4 or more for girls.

In the US, that number is 8.5%. 34% in Europe to 8.5% in the U.S. That works out to 4 times the number of kids in Europe drank 5 or more drinks in a row in the last 30 days - that’s some serious drinking. Would they have been doing that had they not already been allowed to drink alcohol to begin with? Not according to the U.S. numbers.

 

So, the argument that allowing teens to drink with parents because “it works great in Europe” – to borrow a phrase from My Cousin Vinny – it just doesn’t hold water. It’s simply not supported by the evidence – in fact, the evidence shows just the opposite is true.

If you want the details on the comparison I did between teens in Europe and the U.S., you can listen to episode 11 or you can read the transcript and visit the sources I cite and do the comparison yourself. I’ll have all the links for you in the show notes to this episode.

…………………

In case you’re not yet convinced that you can’t teach your teen responsible drinking by letting them taste it a little with you, a study published in 2018 that examined 6 years of data collected regarding adolescents who were given alcohol by their parents, determined this practice did not keep those kids from having drinking problems and in fact, increased the risk for alcohol use disorder, other alcohol-related issues like accidents and binge drinking (as I just pointed out in the European comparison a minute ago).

A study completed just the year before kept tabs on kids for 7 years and reached the same conclusions. They looked at kids of parents who provided them tastes or sips of alcohol before age 13 and found that by age 20, these kids had increased the frequency and quantity of the alcohol they consumed and had other alcohol-related issues.

It's also been shown that kids who receive their first sips of alcohol at home or with parents, tend to then associate with other kids who drink alcohol early. And according to the 2020 National Survey on Drug Use and Health, 70% of underage drinkers said they were drinking with more than one other person the last time they drank. We know that the adolescent brain’s reward system is activated when with other teens so this makes total sense.

The clear scientific fact is that a teen’s likelihood of having a problem with alcohol decreases every year they wait to take their first sip. Giving them that first sip yourself, despite your good intentions, is setting them up for a disaster.

And no, it’s not guaranteed that they won’t be chugging beer at 15 despite of your best efforts to keep them away from it…but wouldn’t you rather not help that along?

Let’s talk about that.

RULES

So, other than not allowing your teen to take a sip of alcohol with you, what else do you need to know about making sure your teen doesn’t have a problem with alcohol?

Well, generally speaking, an Australian study from 2017 determined there are some specific parenting factors that helps prevent teens from developing issues with alcohol. Supervising and monitoring their activities, having a quality relationship with them, communicating well, being supportive, and being very involved with their life, these are things that make a difference.

If you will go back and listen to the series I just finished on the foundational elements of parenting teens, you’ll get a great overview of these factors. Episodes 130 through 137.

So, be sure and listen to those episodes.

What else do you need to know? You need to know that one of the best things you can do for your teen is to take a hard stance against having a single sip of alcohol until they’re 21.

Research shows that having strict rules against your kids drinking alcohol does not lead to rebellion and misuse of alcohol and in fact, parental restrictions decrease the risk that kids will have an issue with drinking.

Having firm rules that are discussed in advance and consistently enforcing logical consequences if they mess up, if done properly, can make an enormous difference. And for the “properly” part, be sure and go back to that series – episode 136 is all about discipline (as in guiding and teaching, not punishing!)

Additionally, your attitude and behavior regarding alcohol also plays a role in whether or not your teens will drink. Studies show that teens are more likely to abuse alcohol and other drugs:

• if you drink, or
• if you keep alcohol in your home, or
• if you appear to have a lax attitude about them and their peers drinking, or
• if your attitude is that drinking alcohol is going to happen and it’s just a teen rite of passage,

These factors are all shown to increase your teen’s risk that they will have an issue with drugs or alcohol. The science shows that when teens perceive their parents as having a permissive attitude about drinking, they are more likely to drink or use substances themselves. They’re watching you – be sure to influence them positively. Drink outside of the home if you have to drink and don’t make light of underage drinking in any way.

Luckily, according to the 2023 Monitoring the Future study, rates of teens drinking alcohol is at or near record lows. Bringe drinking is below where it was prior to the pandemic. One major finding was that for 12^th graders in 2023, their use rates, on all counts, took a major dive from 2022 to 2023 when it had gone up the year before. The authors of the study say this is a “delayed effect” of the pandemic.

The kids who were 12^th graders were 9^th graders in 2020 when schools were shut down and they were all at home with parents and not out having their first taste of alcohol with friends. For the researchers this confirms that if you can keep kids from drinking early, you can significantly reduce the likelihood they’ll drink later.

Overall, the majority of teens do not drink alcohol – it’s up to around 64% of U.S. teens never having had a drink (even 47% of high school seniors they’d never had alcohol), but statistically, the older they get, the more likely they are to have tried it.

So, here’s the thing – your teen drinking alcohol is absolutely not a given. It’s not a “rite of passage” and not something you want to ever let them think is okay with you. Focus on keeping them from drinking as long as humanly possible. Make your stance very clear and let them know why – no big lectures necessary – short and sweet and repeated any time the opportunity arises.

 

Parties

Now, let’s move on to that second True or False I presented at the top of the episode:

Allowing your teen and friends to drink at your home, where you or other adults will be present, is the best way to insure their safety since they’re going to drink anyway.

I’ll bet you can guess what I’m going to say. That be a big No. This will in no way insure their safety – actually, just the opposite. Not to mention the potential legal ramifications.

If you google “house party and teens” and click on “news” you’re sure to find tragic stories of huge gatherings of teens, shootings, fights, police on scene, or headlines of adults being charged for furnishing the alcohol – nothing good happens when teens are gathered together and there’s alcohol involved – even if adults are present.

A study about 10 years ago - a large survey of teenagers - showed that almost 40% of teens who had a party at their house that year, said there was alcohol there and well over half stated that a parent was home at least part of the time during the party.

And about 70% of the kids who had those parties with alcohol present said their parents definitely knew there was alcohol at the party. 70%. Another 24% said their parents probably knew.

Now, while we just said that generally, at least half of all teenagers do not drink alcohol, I also pointed out that 70% of underage drinkers said they were drinking with more than one other person the last time they drank. The kids that do drink, aren’t normally drinking alone. Again, remember this is how the teen brain works.

As a matter of fact, teens say parties are one of the most common sources of alcohol. The majority of teens say alcohol is easy to come by and they get it for free most of the time. At least a quarter of the time they get it from a parent or other relative and at least half of them drink it at someone else’s house - a party probably.

And another important fact: when teens drink, they don’t just have one beer or sip of whiskey - 90% of teenagers WHO DRINK– binge drink (which is defined as 5 or more drinks for boys and 4 or more for girls on one occasion).

That’s one reason that drinking alcohol is so very dangerous for teens. Their brain is not equipped to help them know when to stop. They just keep going and going and going.

Research also tells us that the more teens there are at a party, the more likely there will be drinking. And with more kids – we know – the dangers increase exponentially.

Most of the news stories I’ve read in my research mentioned throngs of kids showing up after the party was posted on social media. These could be kids no one even knows. And studies tell us that if a kid is a drinker, they are the ones most likely to show up for a posted party.

So, if you’ve ever had the thought that it’s better just to have the party at your house, let them drink, take their keys, making sure they’re not out there who knows where, doing who knows what, or getting into accidents…you need to think again.

 

First, of course, we just said that letting teens drink is more likely than not, going to make them have more issues with alcohol rather than less. Second, they are not safer at your house or your good friend’s house or anyone’s house because no adult is going to sit right there with them the whole time and actually, many parents may not say it, but they’ll join right in, or plan the party and buy the booze.

You also have to realize that allowing this is not just about drinking and driving. Teenagers, most of whom are binge drinking and getting completely hammered can and do stagger off into dangerous situations, become victims of sexual assaults, get into fights, vandalize property, get arrested, make irresponsible posts on social media, end up in a car anyway, are poisoned by too much alcohol, wind up in the emergency room…and many, die.

So, who’s responsible when a gathering of teens goes off the rails and something like this happens? No one ever intends for a kid to get hurt. But things happen all the time even with house parties where adults (parents) are present and know teens are drinking.

It is not safer – it’s not safe in any way – to allow an alcohol-fueled party for underaged kids, no matter the circumstances, no matter where it is or where you are or how many kids are officially invited - it is not safe, it’s not ethical, and it is not LEGAL.

 

THE LAW

Let’s talk about that. It’s illegal, in all 50 U.S. states for anyone under 21 to purchase or possess alcohol in a public place.

These are called Minor in Possession laws or MIP laws. Both the minor and the person who sells it to them or provides it to them is breaking the law.

Generally, the penalties for the teenager are fines, a juvenile diversion program or community service – it’s a misdemeanor but it goes on their criminal record.

It’s also usually a misdemeanor for the adult who furnished the alcohol as well. Plus, possible regulatory or license issues if a business furnishes it. Of course, an incident like this would likely be all over social media (and possibly in the news).

The details of these Minor in possession laws depend on where you live. For example, in Wisconsin, a minor can possess or drink alcohol in the presence of a parent or guardian (at home or in public) and a business or a person can sell or give that minor alcohol with no criminal liability – and there are a handful of other states that have similar exceptions.

Also, in Wisconsin, if the minor is on a college campus, is at least 18 years of age, and is in the direct vicinity of a person who is of the legal drinking age it’s okay for them to possess alcohol and there’s no liability for whoever furnished it to them either. Wow – great state to attend college I guess.

In over half the states, it’s legal for you to furnish alcohol to your own child in your home (but that’s not the case in around 21 states) and it’s not legal in any state for you to furnish alcohol to someone else’s teenager in your home or anywhere else.

All 50 states have laws regarding fake IDs, but they vary as to how they’re classified and what the penalties are – the person furnishing the ID and the person using it are generally guilty of the offense.

Some states are really creative. Like California, for example, has a “kegger law”. They stamp the keg with the purchaser’s info and if that keg is found with minors at a private party, the purchaser could face criminal and civil penalties.

And in other states it’s a felony if an adult furnishes alcohol to a minor who then gets into a car accident that causes personal injury or death (to the minor or anyone else).

There are so many different ways a parent or other adult can be held legally liable for having anything to do with minors and drinking. Even if what you do isn’t a crime in your state, that doesn’t mean that you can’t be sued and found civilly liable in court.

There are lots of legal theories under which an adult, who has some connection to a minor drinking alcohol, who later causes harm to themselves or others, can be found liable.

Civil laws like these are designed to reduce underage drinking and minimize the harm that can come to them and others because of their drinking. Statistics and studies show these laws do work.

A majority of states have what are referred to as Dram Shop laws. These laws have traditionally just covered commercial businesses like bars and restaurants who overserve someone who then goes out and hurt someone else or damages property. These laws allows the injured party to sue that business.

Dram Shop Laws (depending on the state) also often allow an injured party to sue the business if they knowingly served a minor who caused their injury or damage.

And most states have either adapted these laws or enacted what they call “social host laws” that apply to any adult (including the minor’s parent) who is responsible for a minor who drinks alcohol and then causes property damage or personal injury.

Depending on the state there could be criminal liability where the adult would be charged with a misdemeanor – usually accompanied by a fine or even a short jail term.

Or the state law could allow for civil liability meaning the adult could be sued by someone for personal injury and property damage caused by a minor, after that minor drinks alcohol on property the adult owns, leases or controls.

Again, depending on the state, the adult may be sued even if they weren’t present when the drinking happened, even if they didn’t know there was drinking going on and even if they weren’t the ones who actually furnished the alcohol to the minors.

And if you’re sued under a social host law, the burden of proof for the person suing you – the plaintiff – is not “beyond a reasonable doubt” as in most criminal cases. In a civil case the plaintiff only has to prove the case by a “preponderance of the evidence”. Which just means the judge or jury has to find the evidence presented convinces them that it’s more likely than not that you’re responsible.

But social host laws aren’t the only legal avenues a plaintiff could take to sue you for damage or injury arising from your association with minors drinking.

There are plenty of other legal theories that a good lawyer could pile on top or use if there’s not a social host law that applies in your state.

You could be held liable under the family car doctrine for your teen causing injury or property damage because you own the car they drove – it might even involve your business if your business actually owns the car. You could be sued just on pure negligence in somehow allowing minors to somehow obtain your alcohol and then cause damage or injury. You could be sued on the basis of vicarious liability for what your teenager does after drinking.

If you’re sued for anything like this, even if the law suit has no merit, you would still have to hire an attorney and defend it.

So, I can’t emphasize enough how important it is that you are super aware of what’s going on with your teenager, your property, your alcohol…and that you know the laws in your state in this regard.

……………………………………

This is what I want you to take away from this episode:

• The longer you can keep your teen from taking that first sip of alcohol, the less likely they will have issues with it. Stand your ground. Make your feelings known: alcohol is not allowed and not condoned at least until they’re 21 – period. Not with you – not anywhere.

 

• Don’t keep alcohol in your house if you have kids over 10 years old. I know that sounds extreme, but why risk it? Is it life or death that you have alcohol in your home? Go out and drink if you must but research shows you need to be the example – if you’re drinking, no matter that “it’s for adults only” – you’re showing them how to do it. It’s no different from doing anything else in front of them that you don’t want them to do. It won’t kill you. (and if you think it will, then you need to deal with that problem yourself)

 

• Also, don’t think kids won’t show up to a party at your house with alcohol in tow just because you’re at home. No matter how much planning you put into it to prevent it from happening, a teenage party can get out of control in a skinny minute. All it takes is a tiny bit of alcohol or a post on social media.

 

 

• And certainly, if you do allow a party at your house, do not trust them to police themselves. Just think of it as having a house full of 2-year-olds and supervise accordingly – preferably with lots of other parents helping you.

 

• Also, remember, this isn’t just about drinking and driving. There are so many bad things can happen with teens and alcohol. From sexual assault to alcohol poisoning. Kids can down 5 drinks in the time it takes you to go get the ice cream out of the freezer! They binge drink remember.

 

• Be aware of the liability involved for property damage, personal injury or death that could result from your teen or someone else’s teen drinking alcohol anywhere - even at your house, on your property, in your barn, down by the lake, in your storage shed. One stupid mistake by you or a kid, could ruin lives. Don’t take chances. Take extra precautions. Be vigilant. Stay up late. Trust but verify.

 

I hope I haven’t scared you to death, but I know that good people make mistakes every day. I’m pretty sure my son had a sip or two of beer at our hands at some point in his teen years. We drank in front of him, kept at least wine in our fridge. Our friends were all drinkers – if there was a mix of parents and teens there was alcohol somewhere. It’s not something I would do again. I’ve witnessed friends throwing graduation parties where the graduating seniors all had beer in hands. That, I did know was a dumb idea. As an attorney, liability is never far from my mind.

Just keep telling yourself that you only have a few more years with your kids living there at home with you and when you’re an empty nester you can fill your bathtub full of liquor and bathe in it if you want to (I mean, I’d scrub it really good first). But for now, just concentrate on doing the best job you possibly can to show them life is great without the need for any mind-altering substances.

Okay, that’s it for Speaking of Teens today, I’m so glad you’re hear and hope you’ll keep coming back. If you received any value out of today’s episode, I’d be ever so grateful if you’d share it with a friend.

I’d like to give a shout out today to the Facebook Group admins who do such a fabulous job of supporting our members – Karin, Megan, Catherine, and Ann Marie – I appreciate you guys SO VERY MUCH!

And if you’d like support from other parents doing this teen parenting thing, come on in and join the Facebook Group – we have over 800 parents who are trying to learn more about parenting their teens and supporting each other every day. And I’m in there every day as well.

If you need more and want to learn from me directly, check out Parent Camp. There’s a link for both the Facebook Group and Parent Camp at the very bottom of the episode description, right where you’re listening. Parent Camp is our paid community where you get the complete Field Guide to Teens, our parent course, weekly meetups with me, monthly Q & A’s from guest experts and more.

Alright, until next time, remember, a little change goes a long way.