Today’s episode is Day 6 in my foundational series on parenting teens – we have 2 more episodes after today. Since episode 130, I’ve been talking to you about all the basics of parenting teens – the things that will help you decrease the conflict and strengthen your connection with them, while also changing their behavior.

So, if you’ve missed any of the previous 5 episodes, go back and give them a listen before coming back here. Because today, we’re talking about something that is going to require all that other knowledge and skill. We’re talking about how you can help your teen develop their emotional intelligence, specifically to learn how to be more aware of and better regulate their emotions. Don’t go anywhere – this is going to help you, help your teen and improve their behavior.

This is Speaking of Teens, the podcast that that teaches you the science of parenting adolescents so you can be less stressed and more excited about having a teenager. I’m Ann Coleman, I’m an attorney turned parent educator and I’ve spent years studying the science of teen behavior and I want to help you learn how to parent your teens for the best possible outcome.

Now, you’ve likely heard me talk about emotional intelligence before if you’ve been around a while or maybe you’ve read about it or taken a course in it. So, just briefly, emotional intelligence is a set of skills that research scientists across the fields of sociology, psychology and education feel most accurately predicts whether someone will have a stable, happy, and productive life.

The skills include things  like being aware of the emotion you’re experiencing, being able to articulate or name those emotions and even being able to identify other people’s emotions so you can better relate to them.

Being emotionally intelligent also includes being able to manage or regulate your emotions, rather than letting them overwhelm you or control you. People higher in emotional intelligence are also better able to use emotion to motivate themselves to do things, to feel empathy for other people and have better social skills.

The great thing is that these skills are teachable. You can help your teens learn these things. And the reason this is so important is because higher levels of emotional intelligence can be a protective factor against substance use and other risky behaviors, mental health disorders, self-harm, and being involved in the justice system. It can even improve academic success.

But as I discussed in the last episode, you’re going to have to work on your own emotional awareness and regulation. You can’t help them until you’re working on yourself. But you can do it together – you can show them the steps your taking to do better. I’ll get to that in a minute.

As we discussed previously in this series, the process your teen’s prefrontal cortex is going through makes it difficult for them to use their executive skills like self-control and making good decisions. And all during adolescence, this part of the brain is a work in progress - getting slowly stronger and better able to do its job.

But this process is a bit of a roller coaster – it’s not just straight up hill and so many individual factors come into play - like the teen’s genetics, environment, temperament, personality, whether they have a developmental disorder like ADHD or ASD and whether they have a mental health disorder like anxiety or depression.

So, while teenagers, in general can be extremely moody, quick to anger, get nervous about the strangest things, and engage in risky behaviors….they can also show great maturity or restraint and manage their emotions really well sometimes. That’s just the way this goes - emotional intelligence and the development of their prefrontal cortex are inextricably tied together.

So, what can you do to help your teen increase their emotional intelligence? Well, remember, I said the first thing you do is start working on your own emotions – listen to episode 134 and related episodes in the show notes for a good start.

First of all, if you have boys and in the past you or your co-parent have tended to push emotions aside (”big boys don’t cry” sort of thing) you need to correct course. They need to understand just as much as girls are generally taught, that we all have emotions and it’s okay to express them.

And you can start focusing more on emotions at home. This doesn’t have to be anything huge. As you’re working on your own emotions you can take note in front of your kids, “Oh wow, I had a moment at work today, I was furious when Barbara said XYZ and for half a second I thought about saying something back but I stopped myself and thought about how stressed out she’s been lately with her baby being sick and I’m sure she’s losing lots of sleep, so I calmed down.”

You could even add something to your dinnertime routine. Maybe go around the table and have everyone tell one thing they did that day and how it made them feel. For example, I tripped walking into the library, and everyone stared, and I felt embarrassed. Or I made an 89 on a test and I thought I would fail it, so I felt proud and excited. And the adults have to chime in as well. My boss criticized a proposal I submitted, and I felt annoyed. I walked in late to my meeting and felt disappointed.

If you have younger kids and teens and the teens refuse to participate, fine, do it with the younger kids and eventually the teens will at least pick up something. This is a great way to help kids become more aware of their emotions and how we feel emotions all day every day and this will build that muscle that helps them reflect and recognize how they’re feeling in certain moments. And the better they can recognize how they’re feeling, the better they will be able to manage those emotions.

Another skill that will be helpful is developing their ability to foresee how they might feel in a situation in the future. Help them think about situations that may make them angry or nervous or frustrated in advance so they can prepare for that feeling and make a plan for how to manage it. For example, let’s say your daughter has anxiety about social gatherings, especially when she has to walk into a room of people alone. So, maybe you work with her to plan how to enter the room and hug the wall to scan for the first person she knows. They can also try breathing exercises, a brief meditation, just talking it through with you. This type of planning can really help them manage those emotions.

Something else you can do to help your teen learn more about their emotions and how to manage them is recommending an app for their phone. I know they’re not likely to take your recommendation so maybe you can even say, that an out of town friend’s teenager uses it or something. One that appears to be really helpful is called SuperBetter (one word). It’s an evidence-based app that uses gaming techniques to get through different quests where you battle the bad guys (who are roadblocks to success) and collect power-ups which are positive actions that “make you fell happier, healthier or stronger”. The “hero” version where you play on your own is $25 a year but you can sign up for the free version and play on squads first to try it out. It looks fantastic and has a 4.7 rating in the app store from almost 8,000 people.

Happify is also an app that gets really great reviews all over the internet and uses science-based activities combined with gamification. You can choose from 4 different tracks: stop negative thoughts, build optimism and mindfulness, reduce stress and anxiety, or gain confidence and self-esteem. It has lots of free tracks – like take charge of stress, motivate yourself to achieve goals, conquer negative thoughts, so I think it’s worth checking out for sure.

Another way to help is to realize that they need down-time. They need to be able to destress after school or big exams or other stressful events. But this is something else that should be tackled in advance, when they’re not emotional or stressed out. If you’ve seen their stress, know how they need to find a way to come down from it, you can help them think about what they can do when they needs to relax. If it’s playing video games, fine – remember your teen is not going to relax the same way you do. They may need a few minutes to veg-out to funny videos or they may do better taking a walk and listening to music. Help them sort it out.

And, of course, to help them at all with their emotions, you must be very aware of their emotions. Obviously, each teen is different, with their own set of specific vulnerabilities or emotional triggers, which is dependent on so many factors including their temperament, personality, the particular circumstances.

So, get really familiar with their emotional vulnerabilities. Develop your awareness by noting when they get angry, frustrated, annoyed, nervous, what is it they’re reacting to? what’s the situation? Much of this is intuitive and you could probably already name different specific situations that send them reeling. You also likely know the signs of when an emotional outburst is coming. A look on their face, the cadence in their voice, a specific thing they say or do.

Being on top of this – being aware of their emotions is critical to your ability to communicate with them better and literally coach them through these moments, which is what we’ll talk about in a minute.

Research shows that the more aware a parent is of their teen’s emotions, the less likely the teen is to have higher levels of anxiety and depression. That’s because the more aware you are of what they’re feeling, the more likely you are to step in and help them process those emotions, which means your child is less likely to ruminate over them – to stew in that emotion (which is what leads to anxiety and depression).

Now we just talked in the last episode about your emotions and the role your own emotional intelligence plays in your child’s. Obviously, if you hope to be able to help your kid manage their emotions, you’re going to have to be able to manage your own.

So, when their emotions are consuming them, you can’t chime in with your own emotional meltdown. You have to figure out a way to calm your fear or anxiety over their behavior so you can do the parenting that will help them the most in that moment. And that doesn’t include punishing, yelling, lecturing, dismissing their feelings or giving them advice.

You have to learn to take that breath, pause, and engage your brain to help you calm down and think of what to do and what to say.

You must also change your mindset, about your teen’s unpleasant emotions. Instead of dreading them, “Oh no, here we go again”, you need to start look at it as an opportunity for emotional connection with them. You need to adopt the mindset that, “we all have a right to express our emotions, we just don’t have the right to behave any way we want.” Putting fists through walls – not okay. Throwing things or hitting a sibling – not okay. But you can be angry.

So, let’s talk about what you’re going to do in these moments when your teen is having a tantrum like a 2-year-old (because remember, their brain is going through that same process it went through back then – they’re just bigger and louder now and can cause more damage).

This technique is called emotion coaching and it was discovered by Dr. John Gottman who is actually more widely known for a method used in couples therapy. But he discovered over a period of years of researching parent-child relationships that there were several distinct ways that parents dealt with their children’s emotions. And without getting into all those, I’ll just jump to it and tell you that the parents that he described as emotion coaches, had children with the best outcomes. They have better mental health, do better academically, have better relationships, are more emotionally connected to their parents – all the things you want.

How do you do it? Start with this motto: connection before correction. This needs to be a banner tacked up to every wall in your house until you get it. Connection before correction. This is your overall approach to handling your teen’s emotions. And I’ll describe emotion coaching and you’ll see what I mean.

You already know, you have to be aware of their emotions, you must be emotionally regulated (calm) yourself, you have to see their emotional moments as an opportunity to connect with them (connection before correction) – keeping all that in mind, let’s look at a simple scenario.

You hear them stomping around the house slamming doors cursing under their breath…you note those signs and know it’s coming. Within a minute they move into the kitchen where you are, jerk open the refrigerator, grab a water, walk to the pantry and start digging around and start yelling at you about there never being anything to eat and then launch into a tirade about how you never buy what they want, etc.

What do you do? I’ll give you a multiple choice:

Do you a) interrupt them to say, “I don’t know what’s going on, but you need to chill out.”

1. b) raise your voice to get their attention and say, “stop slamming doors, calm down and stop talking to me that way.”
2. c) tell them there’s plenty of snacks in the pantry and start listing them off, or
3. e) listen to what they’re saying, and try to figure out what’s really going on?

Yeah, that would be e.

If you a) interrupt them to say, “I don’t know what’s going on, but you need to chill out.” You will immediately flame the fire. Telling anyone to chill out or calm down or it’ll be fine, when they’re upset, is only going to make them more upset. You’ve invalidated how they feel – basically telling them they shouldn’t be upset – they should be chill – in other words, you’re angry or frustrated for nothing, what’s wrong with you?

Anything you say like this to a teen when they’re upset, will only make them more upset. For example, “stop being so dramatic.” “why do you care so much?” “Is it that big of a deal, really?” “why are you being so silly about this – just ignore them” When you say something that gives them the impression that you are not taking their feelings seriously, that you think they’re feelings are unimportant or should be shoved aside – you’ve stepped in it my friend. Invalidation is the reason so many arguments escalate. Remember that.

And in the case of your teenager, they will continue their emotional chaos to prove to you that they have a right to be upset and that they are not going to calm down just because you told them to. That’s actually not even possible.

If you b) raise your voice to get their attention and say, “stop slamming doors, calm down and stop talking to me that way.”, you’ve essentially done the same thing – invalidated their feelings but to make it even worse, you’ve scolded or corrected them on top of that – it’s the double whammy and you’ll get double the emotions back from them as well!

If you c) tell them there’s plenty of snacks in the pantry and start listing them off, you’ve completely missed the point. They’re upset about something and they’re showing you they’re upset about something, and it isn’t the lack of snacks. So, this will also just fan the flames.

Of course, e is where we want to be. The first thing you have to do is listen to them, stop everything, let them get every word out, don’t interrupt, don’t look at your phone, don’t rill your eyes, don’t put your hands on your hips. This moment is about giving them your full attention so you’re getting the message across that what they have to say and how they feel matters to you. This is the first step that will help them begin calming down.

When they’ve gotten it all out, despite any jabs they threw at you, curse words they used, accusations they made or their disrespectful tone, you ignore that (I’ll explain in a minute) and instead, you summarize in your own words, the best you can, what they just described and then ask them if you got it right. You’ll also throw in how you believe this issue is making them feel – a specific emotion word. But you do it in your voice – how you would talk so not necessarily how I phrase it.

For example, “It seems to me that you’re pretty frustrated, maybe even angry with me because you feel that I never ask you what snacks to buy or if I do ask, I always forget to get them, or I don’t get enough. Is that right? But then, you can add, “I’m wondering if maybe there’s more. It seems you may have already been angry or annoyed before you even came into the kitchen.”

Then you let them talk again, see if they will share anything with you, and at this point, you can ask a few questions if necessary to get some clarity: “did they say they in a text or to your face?” Again summarize, ask if you got it right, throw in those emotion words: “Wow, you guys have been friends for a long time, I can see where that would really hurt your feelings. Is that how you feel?”

Listening like this, asking questions to show them you’re really invested in understanding what’s going on, this is how they recognize that you’re really trying to get it – or that you do finally get it. This is what teenagers want more than anything, if you haven’t heard. They want us to “get it”! They just want to be heard and seen and know that someone gets them…finally. That’s what you’re showing them.

Now, during this conversation as they are calming down, if you can (and often you can’t), give them a simple touch on the shoulder or back, hold their hand if they allow it, give them a hug.

This loving touch will release a flood of oxytocin in their brain (some people call it the feel-good hormone or the love hormone because it’s released in a mother and baby’s brain during breast feeding) The oxytocin then triggers the release of other positive hormones like dopamine and serotonin, all of which will help your teenager calm down.

So, a minute ago I said you don’t want to invalidate their emotions, so what you do instead is you want to validate or acknowledge that they do feel a certain way (that’s why you use an emotion word to help them describe it) and use words that show them you do understand and do believe they have every right to their emotion…whether you agree that they should feel that way or not. And this is a big distinction to make here.

Remember, this is your teen’s inner world we’re talking about here. Their emotions are based on their own unique perspective based on their experience, their personal history, the situation, their age and maturity. You can’t change any of that and neither can they. They feel the way they feel and you are not there to change that in any way – only to validate it. No emotions are off limits, ever.

Also, avoid the knee-jerk reaction to solve the problem for them. This is part of the learning experience. If your kid’s made a mistake, done something wrong and they’re upset about it, angry at themselves, furious with someone else. They have to be the one to decide how to resolve the problem. You can lead them through this process by asking leading questions like, “what do you think you could do or say to resolve the situation?” or “what would you do differently next time to avoid this problem altogether” and continue talking with them until they’ve worked it out (and they will usually work it out and come to their own conclusion rather quickly).

 

Now this is different from asking, “why are you so upset?” or “what were you thinking?” Those questions are judgmental and accusatory and will only make matters worse.

 

And if they ask for your advice, you can give it but it’s much better if you can turn that around into a question for them to show them, they can figure it out themselves. PAUSE

 

Now, after you’ve done all of this, what about the cursing or disrespect or name calling they may have done when they were upset? Well, if they’re completely calm, you might use a little humor or just say something like, “Hey, next time, maybe try to keep the cursing under wraps – we do have little kids around here you know.” “Or, that really hurt my feelings when you criticized my hair” or whatever it is. And in my experience, quite often if you give it a few hours, they may just come to you and apologize – and that’s the route I’d take.

 

 

Alright, here’s what you need to take away from this episode today – this was a lot I know:

• Remember that emotional intelligence is vital for a mentally healthy, happy and successful life and teens needs lots of help with theirs – especially emotional awareness and emotional regulation.

 

• So, talk about emotions any time you have a chance, model good emotional regulation, talk about it at the dinner table, help them plan for situations that may cause them big emotions, help them come up with plans to chill out after emotionally intense ordeals, help them find an app they may enjoy using.

 

• And learn how to coach your teens through their unpleasant emotions. Practice listening, validating their feelings, and using emotion words, giving them a little touch if they’re receptive, help them think through where things may have gone wrong and what they can do to change things next time.

 

• And avoid the gut reaction to immediately correct or give advice or solve the problems for them – it totally defeats the purpose. We’ll talk more about discipline in the next episode, which will be episode 136 – Day 7 out of 8 episodes talking to you about the foundational principals of parenting teens.

 

Okay, that’s it for Speaking of Teens today, I hope you understand a bit more about how to help your teen become more emotionally aware and regulated and I hope you’ll start practicing immediately and do not give up. This takes time – for you to get the hang of it and for them to figure out what they heck you’re doing. Seriously, do not give up.

You can also download my free parenting guide on Emotion Coaching today and get started. You’ll find the link in the episode description right where you’re listening. And just click the link for the Show Notes to find the rest of the resources.

Thank you so very much for being here today, I hope you’ll consider joining us in the Facebook Group where you can ask questions and discuss your challenges with other parents in the same boat with you, parenting teens and tweens. And if you need more help, you can always join our Parent Camp community where you get weekly time with me and other experts, The Field Guide to Teens and more. The links for both are at the bottom of the episode description where you’re listening.

Deep breaths…and until next time, remember, a little change goes a long way.