Today’s episode is Day 4 in my foundational series on parenting teens. I’m taking you through all the basics of parenting teens that will help you decrease conflict, strengthen your connection, while also changing their behavior.

If you’ve not listened to Days 1 – 3, go back to episode 130 and start there because I’ve been talking about how your teen’s brain works, which will not only leave you feeling less confused and mystified but will hopefully give you a little more empathy for what they’re going through and therefore help you regulate your own emotions about their behavior.

And today, I want to talk to you about how your parenting mindset and your parenting style must change after your kid reaches puberty - and if you’re having trouble parenting your teen, this is likely as big part of the problem. Don’t go anywhere – I’ll explain.

This is Speaking of Teens, the podcast that that teaches you the science of parenting adolescents so you can be less stressed and more excited about having a teenager. I’m Ann Coleman, I’m an attorney turned parent educator and I’ve spent years studying the science of teen behavior and I want to help you learn how to parent your teens for the best possible outcome.

If I had to boil conflict between parents and teens down to one overarching principle it would be parents’ failure to recognize that you can’t parent a teenager, the way you parent a child.

It’s hard though - we’ve been parenting the same way for 10, 12 or 13 years and then all of a sudden, our kid is completely different but we’re still using the same old strategies and tactics we’ve always used. It just doesn’t work no matter how hard to try. So, we blame it on the kid, and we double down on our same old tried and true formula of managing their lives.

Now understanding how their brain changes how they think, feel and act will help a lot with your own emotions about everything - so, I hope I cleared up a lot for you in episodes 130, 131 and 132.

But there’s more.

I mentioned in the last episode when we talked about the reward system that there’s another few areas of the adolescent brain that focuses on social stimuli – I call it the social system of the brain – and that system not only makes teens become self-conscious and embarrassed about everything they do, but also makes them completely obsessed with becoming a part of a group, liked, accepted by their peers. It literally is everything to them because the brain makes it this way. They don’t choose it.

And remember that this social system overlaps with the reward system and makes teens even more likely to do risky things when they’re with their peers. But even with all of this going on in their brain, they’re also trying to find their place in the world, figure out what they stand for, what they believe in, how they want others to perceive them, what persona they want to take on. It’s called individuation and although it’s a process that is ongoing from birth, puberty ramps it up several notches.

And kids work through it in a variety of ways. Some do much more experimentation than others – trying different ways of dressing or talking or trying different interests and others will be less experimental – it just depends.

And it’s really important that you understand what’s going on here, that you don’t tease, disparage them, call them out or put them down. This is a vital process of becoming who they’ll ultimately be, and they need to be supported in that. The things they’re into or like or want to do, how they want to dress, music they listen to – all of this is them figuring out who they are and if you’re constantly putting it down, you’re putting them down and that’s hurtful to them and to your connection with them.

This is their job right now – figuring themselves out, so respect that because if you don’t there will be conflict and disconnection.

And when they begin going through this long process of individuation during adolescence, they no longer feel like a little kid. They are able to think more abstractly now, understand things kids don’t understand, they may think about their future more, they begin to see you and their other parent as just people – fallible people. And their brain tells them they’re just as smart and mature as you are – in many ways they know their even superior to you because they know a lot you don’t know. And because they feel that way, they want to be treated that way. They’re not a child anymore and they don’t want to be treated like a child – they want to be seen, heard, valued, and treated as any other adult.

So, if you don’t know what’s going on here and you don’t jump on the bandwagon and change the way you parent, what do you think’s going to happen? Conflict galore. If you’re still parenting them like they’re a kid and they feel like an adult – that’s a battle.

They start pushing back on your tried-and-true parenting techniques, you push back harder (because you don’t want them to think they can get away with that) and the battle begins.

What they really want here is to be treated with the same respect you want from them, with the acknowledgment that they are no longer a child, with the dignity you treat any other adult…the words you say, the tone you use, the body language, facial expressions – if you wouldn’t act that way with a dear friend, then you don’t act that way with your kid either.

And importantly, they want you to turn loose of some of your control and share it with them. They want to start making some of their own decisions. They need to make decisions to learn how – they need to even make mistakes with these decisions so they can learn how to handle the real-life consequences.

So, if you hang on to all the control, you are, in fact, keeping them from growing up.

Now, a lot of parents do this (try to hang on to control) because they just don’t understand they’re not supposed to. They may do it because they want to make sure their kid is always happy or okay and never experiences anything remotely negative (helicopter)

Some do it because they just can’t help themselves, they want control and need control- that’s personality.

In many cases that want that parental control because not having control makes them nervous, anxious. It’s the fear of the mistakes their teen might make, fear of what their future might hold if they give them more control, fear of the unknown (what if, what if, what if).

Some parents don’t want to give up control because they simply inherited a more authoritarian parenting style – usually because they were raised by parents who were the same way – focused on authority over their children. Authoritarian parents focus on obedience, doing what I say do, when I say do it, the “yes sir, yes mam”, don’t question my authority over you, be afraid of me (because then you’ll do what I want you to do). That type of parenting is still around, and reams of scientific studies have shown how psychologically damaging this is to kids.

I watched a documentary about Steve Martin a couple of weeks ago and, like so many people who grew up in the 60s, his dad ruled the roost and was extremely cold, authoritarian, and was just brutally unkind to Steve no matter how much success he had. This type of parenting has been passed down and has created several generations of parents who have been convinced that the only way to parent kids is to rule them, beat them down mentally, don’t worry about emotions, have high expectations and demand obedience. And if they would just pause and think about their own childhoods and the relationship with their parents, they would see the fallacy in it all.

So, here’s what you have to accept, no matter what: Your role as a parent is not to control or manage your teen, it’s to guide them, teach them and be on their team to help them reach adulthood successfully. I mean that’s what you want, right? You want them to grow up happy and healthy and stable and you want to have a good relationship with them. So, ruling over them is out – you are a part of the team, you work with them to help them learn what they need to learn to be an adult.

And part of this process is supporting their autonomy in a way that helps them learn. Meaning, you have to allow them to take some control over certain areas of their own life so they can get used to it while you’re still around to guide them when something goes wrong – when they make a mistake.

You don’t take them off a tricycle and put them on a 2-wheel bike at 5 years old and push them off and say – see ya’ later. No! You use training wheels. You ease them into it by allowing them the autonomy of being on a two-wheel bike without your help, but with those 2 little extra wheels that will help if they start to fall.

It’s the same principal here with supporting their autonomy. Back up, give them space, let them fall but be ready to give them comfort, guidance, and support when they do.

Now it can feel like they want you to just back the hell out of their life and give them full control – they may even say that. But they don’t really want that. They know they still need you and that they would flounder without your support. They know they need rules and guidance. They know they can’t make all the decisions, but they do want to at least be given the opportunity to express themselves about these decisions.

They want to be heard. This is extremely important to understand. Teens have very little control in their lives, but even if you have to have the final word on something, they want to know that you at least understand their protest – their side of the argument – and that you acknowledge their feelings about it.

So, it’s important that even if you know you’re going to have to say no to something, that you let them say their piece. Hear them out, see if there’s a way to compromise on something, brainstorm, talk about it. Making decisions that have anything to do with them, without including them in the conversation, is a conflict waiting to happen.

They do not feel you have the right to make decisions about their life without at least hearing them out. And when you listen to them, you have to give them your full, undivided attention. No interruptions, eye rolling, sarcastic remarks, negative body language. You’ll blow it!

Acknowledge how they feel about the situation, and if you can’t compromise, at least tell them that you really wish you could and explain why you can’t.

The days of just saying No are over. That might have worked when they were a toddler, but no more. Know that things are going to take a little longer, accept that. Accept that you need to be flexible and open minded and gradually allow them to take on more of the responsibility for managing their life.

This includes, by the way, stepping back and allowing them to mess up some sometimes. If you’re an OG listener you’ve heard me say if it isn’t dangerous, unhealthy, illegal, unethical or likely to close some door better left open, then it should be up to them to make the decision. Thank you Dr. Laurence Steinberg.

You cannot let thoughts of, “I’m being too soft or too permissive or I’m going to let them ruin their life” take hold of you. If you’ve been a controller, an authoritarian, you are likely to feel like you’ve fallen into the ocean without a life raft – it will be very different, it will take time to practice, it will take time for them to get used to it. This is not a “I tried it last week and it didn’t work” kind of thing.

It’s like adopting a healthy eating mindset – it’s a lifestyle change not a diet.

Take it slow, accept that you will stumble a little, accept that this is not easy and takes time. But you know what, if you’re struggling already, it can’t get any worse.

Now, another part of this autonomy support - and this is extremely important – they need to be completely comfortable to jump in with their opinion, their argument, their confession, or question or tell you anything else, and know they won’t regret it. They want to know, with 1000% certainty, that they can tell you anything and you won’t hold it against them, you won’t freak out, you won’t punish them, berate them, tell them how disappointed you are, judge them or shame them.

If you take nothing else away from this episode but this – make damn sure that if your kid wants to talk about something that you make it so they will feel free to do it again in the future. The worst mistake you can make is to punish a teenager for telling you the truth – even if it’s something they were told not to do in the first place.

For example, your kid tells you they tried vaping with a friend – you’ve preached against no vaping or smoking since they could walk and you’re understandably disappointed or even devastated.

But if you give them consequences, scold them, tell them how disappointed you are, insist they not hang out with that friend anymore…you’ve sealed the deal.

What deal? The deal that says they’ll never tell you another thing as long as they live. Why would they?

They told you the truth because they trusted you to help them. They obviously felt bad they’d tried it and didn’t want to do it again.

But you lost your shit and proved to them they can’t trust you. What should you do instead?

Get curious and ask what made them want to try vaping or what they thought of it, if they felt like they’d be tempted to do it again, if they want some help with refusal skills – all questions that would show your teen that you were interested in helping them instead of just making them feel bad for making a mistake. Because guess what? We all make mistakes! It’s the only way to learn – trial and error. Use the training wheels.

Of course, the opposite of supporting their autonomy is threatening their autonomy. And you know what happens when you threaten their autonomy? Lots and lots of arguing and yelling and rebellion. Not fun. Think about the conflict, the arguments you have with your teens. I’ll bet you one of the following situations are usually involved:

1. you saying no, somehow – especially if it’s something that doesn’t fall into one of those 5 categories I mentioned earlier. So, you’re not handling the No with respect, listening to what they have to say, trying to negotiate, etc.
2. you’re not treating them with respect. You have to give respect to get it. Kids and teens mimic what they see modeled. If you don’t listen to them, you’re short, sarcastic, dismissive, they will be too. Show them you can treat them like you would another adult. Keep doing it until they catch on and do the same with you.
3. you’re making decisions that involve them without talking about it first – rules, consequences, appointments, clothes, anything – this includes demanding, commanding, telling them what they’re going to do without a conversation
4. invading their privacy – using extreme monitoring, with or without letting them know
5. being psychologically manipulative yourself – pouting, giving them the silent treatment, putting a guilt trip on them, staying mad at them
6. trying to push your advice off on them without them asking for it, fixing their problems, doing too much for them and treating them like kids, and
7. criticism, especially from mothers – mother’s criticism not only threatens their autonomy but can also trigger the amygdala – and to teens, it doesn’t take much for it to be considered criticism

So, I’ll close by saying, if you can wrap your head around the fact that you need to support your teen’s autonomy,  understand what that means for them, throw in a little respect and a good bit of flexibility and you’re going to have a much better relationship with them and cut way down on the arguing and power struggles.

Now – go forth and try it!

Stay tuned for the rest of the series – 8 days in all – and we’ll talk about some of these other fundamentals. Next up, on Day 5 of the series, I’m going to talk to you about your own emotions – the way you respond to your teen’s behavior. This is a biggie for many of us. And that episode will drop Friday (I think I said that last time – I got a little confused)

So, that’s it for Speaking of Teens today. I want you to know how very much I treasure your tuning in and listening – really. And I hope I’m helping you if just a little bit.  I would love it if you’d share the show with someone who may be able to use it, let your therapist know about it so they can tell other parents, your PTA, your co-workers.

And if you want a little free support parenting your teens, head over to the Speaking of Teens Facebook group. But if you want to learn more about how to successfully parent your teen, meet with me, other experts and parents going through the same thing as you…check out Parent Camp (the links for both are at the bottom of the episode description, where you’re listening)

Alright – until next time, remember, a little change goes a long way.