Today’s episode is Day 3 in my foundational series on parenting teens. I’m taking you through all the basics of parenting teens that will help you decrease conflict, strengthen your connection, while also changing their behavior.

In Day 1 (episode 130) explained why your teenager has such a hard time using self-control and making good decisions. In Day 2 (episode 131) I talked to you about the reasons your teen is so emotional much of the time and can explode for no reason. If you haven ‘t yet listened to those episodes, it would be a good idea to start there and then come back.

So, today, in Day 3, I want to talk to you about why your teen or tween can often do things that make you wonder if they have a brain at all – or things that go completely against everything you’ve ever taught them – something they’ve declared they’d never do since they were in elementary school.

It can be totally mystifying for us as parents – where did we go wrong? Where is my kid? Or at least, where is my kid’s brain?

Well, I can tell you exactly what’s going on here. You’ve heard of dopamine, right? Stay with me and explain how dopamine is playing a rather large role in your teen’s out of character behavior.

This is Speaking of Teens, the podcast that that teaches you the science of parenting adolescents so you can be less stressed and more excited about having a teenager. I’m Ann Coleman, I’m an attorney turned parent educator and I’ve spent years studying the science of teen behavior and I want to help you learn how to parent your teens for the best possible outcome.

Remember that we’ve talked about how your teen’s prefrontal cortex is just not very helpful to them much of the time. That thinking part of the brain that they need so desperately is just not fully capable of helping them with the executive functions like focus, planning ahead, using self-control, and making good decisions.

And just like the amygdala I talked about in the last episode, that really challenges the prefrontal cortex, there’s another part of the brain that’s turbocharged during adolescence and also makes it hard for them to use that thinking part of the brain - the reward system.

The adolescent reward system presents its own unique set of problems for teens.

The reward system is actually several brain structures connected by a neural pathway and it’s responsible for motivating and reinforcing, pleasurable activities or behaviors – in other words, a reward of some kind.

For example, the reward system can be activated by a sugary food (one piece of candy and you might want more) or (applause) entertainers are often drawn in by the applause and reviews of their performance, receiving likes on social media is very motivating for many people, as are using drugs, receiving praise, drinking alcohol, having sex, watching porn. There are many, many things that activate the reward system, which then motivates a person to seek out that pleasurable thing again and again.

Dopamine is the neurotransmitter that flows along the neural pathway in the reward system and causes people to seek out pleasurable things (although it is not responsible for the pleasurable feeling itself – no one is seeking a hit of dopamine – that’s not the way it works.

Now here’s the kicker - During adolescence there’s a major increase in dopamine floating around in the prefrontal cortex.

This makes adolescents hyper sensitive and drawn to any potentially pleasurable experience (anything that sounds fun, looks exciting, forbidden, new, or different…) And once they give it a try, it will feel better than at any other point in their life! It’s the most fun ever – whatever it is, and the reward system motivates them to do it again and again.

And some of these rewarding experiences can be very positive, some won’t be. Some will be pretty risky and others even downright dangerous.

They can get that rewarding feeling from playing sports or acting in the school play or performing in the marching band, making good grades – all of these are ways their reward system helps them take positive risks that yield praise from parents and teachers and the community, right? This is how the brain is wired – to help teens move out of their comfort zone and learn to be independent adults at some point.

Unfortunately, there are lots of other rewarding things out there that aren’t as positive - like gaming, sugary or chemically enhanced foods, TikTok, and on and on).

And of course, there are things that are rewarding to the adolescent brain that are way too risky - like driving too fast, drinking alcohol, experimenting with drugs, vaping, having unprotected sex, talking to strangers online, jumping in the car with someone who’s been drinking.

All of these things are processed the same way by their brain. And of course, their prefrontal cortex is very little help here.

And let me just say, before going any further, that I’m always talking in generalities here. Every kid is different. So many things factor into their behavior – like genetics, temperament, personality, past experiences, whether they have a developmental disorder, a learning issue or a mental health issue. So, there are kids who are better equipped at making good decisions and some who aren’t and as they move through adolescence, they may sometimes make good decisions and at other times make horrible decisions. Just remember, all kids are different and even within that kid, this growth process is not linear.

Now, let me tell you about something else that interacts with the reward system and really messes with their ability to make these good decisions – it’s what I call the social system of the brain. And beginning with puberty this social system also kicks into high gear. Kids suddenly become very self-focused, and their self-awareness increases tremendously.

They become very self-consciousness and easily embarrassed, and this plays into every decision they make – what they wear, how they talk, who they talk to, how they walk across a room – everything. They’re even concerned about these things when no one else is around. They have a heightened sense of awareness that their peers are judging them, and it consumes them, contributes to every decision they make. Being accepted by their peers becomes the absolute most important thing in life. Comparisons are a constant (and social media of course makes this 1000% worse.)

There’s actually an evolutionary reason for this. Back a couple of million years ago if a young person was not accepted into a tribe – was rejected – they wouldn’t survive. It was a matter of life or death to be accepted. So, that brain process lingers – even in our modern society – it literally feels like life or death to them to be accepted. Try to understand how important it is for their hair to be perfect or to have the right clothes. They’re not being entitled or vain (although, yes they are self-absorbed) – this is simply how their brain works and they cannot help that.

Studies have continually shown that this overwhelming need for acceptance from peers is not only decisive in forming their sense of self, but also in influencing the type of risks they’re willing to take. Teens are willing to do things with other kids their age that they would never do alone and know they shouldn’t do - period. So, that pressure is internal – not from the peers.

In fact, researchers believe that receiving that acceptance and positive feedback from peers is treated by the reward system in roughly the same way as using drugs and alcohol. So, it’s no surprise that most “bad” teenage behavior happens in a group of 2 or more. Drinking, drug use, theft, vandalism all usually happen in groups. And this is even more true for boys than girls.

And I’m sure you’ve heard people say that teenagers think they’re invincible – that they don’t think anything can ever happen to them. That’s not exactly true. There’s research that shows that when teens are with peers, they actually do a risk analysis in their head. And more often than not, they can correctly estimate the percentage of risk (I think there’s about an 80% chance that jumping off this dock and into the water on my bike that’s tied by a rope to that tree over there is not going to end well).

But they quickly determine that the benefit of this risky thing – they “reward” they’ll get from it, greatly outweighs the risk, no matter how high that percentage. That’s how strong their reward system (combined with the social system) is.

But when teens are not in the heat of the moment (not around their peers and presented with some rewarding experience), they’re as capable as adults to make reasoned decisions and control their impulses. For example, one study found that 14-year-olds answered the same as any reasonable adult when asked whether certain activities were risky. They know what is and is not risky and what they should do in risky situations.

It's just that when teens are with friends or other peers and something looks fun and sounds exciting, their prefrontal cortex doesn’t help them make that good decision – they take that calculated risk, which is usually a bad idea.

So, what can you do to help them stay safe?

We know it’s not about what they know, so constantly lecturing about the dangers will not help. Of course, you have to talk to them about it all and hope that it sinks in to the level that when they’re making their decision, they err on the side of caution. Is there a magic formula to help here?

1. The magic is in your connection with your teen. And I’ll talk about this later in the series but basically, we’re talking about a relationship with your teen in which they actually want to do what you want them to do. A relationship in which they want to align themselves with your values, talk to you about things that really matter and seek out your advice. That’s a tall order but it’s certainly possible. In the meantime, if you want to check out my 4-part series on connection, go to episodes 104, 106, 108, and 110. What this connection facilitates is an open and supportive relationship in which your teen will be thinking about you and what you would want them to do, when they’re out there in the wild with their friends and you’re nowhere around to help. So, connection is number 1.

 

2. Do your best to (and this is not always possible) but do your best to make sure that if your teen is going to someone’s house or going to a party, or doing anything with a group of teens, that you know that an adult will be on sight and keeping an eye on things. You don’t have to be right on top of teens all the time, but at least if there’s an adult there, they are slightly less likely to do anything to get in trouble.

 

3. The same goes for activities. The more organized and supervised activities your kid is involved in, the less time they’ll have to do anything else. Of course, you have to walk a find line because you do not want to stress them by overscheduling them. They need downtime and time to do homework. But truly, if your teen has too much hanging out time, there’s a greater risk they’ll find trouble.

Science shows that kids at home alone after school, with no parental supervision are much more likely to get into trouble than kids in supervised activities. And one of the best ways to keep them busy is by helping them find something they’re passionate about and want to do all the time. Help them experience as many things as you can so they can figure out what that might be.

 

4. One thing researchers have discovered is that traditional prevention programs like Dare and many other school-based drug, alcohol, vaping prevention programs – they do not work. Lecturing and talking down to kids doesn’t work because again, it’s not about the knowledge – they have the knowledge, they know the risks, they just don’t make that final decision well.

So, what other research has shown is that treating teens with respect and dignity and appealing to those needs, is the best way to get through to them and make a difference. And the same can be said for parents talking to teens at home; treat them with respect, talk to them like they’re an adult and not a kid, don’t lecture. One way to discuss things that seems to work is to let them know how they are being taken advantage of by companies like e-cigarette companies who market to teens and tweens knowing it causes problems and hooks them on nicotine.

 

5. Another thing researchers have discovered is that teaching teens emotional intelligence skills works really well. This is something you can help with at home by learning emotion coaching. I’ll address that in this series. Other episodes where I’ve talked about it are 6, 78 and 95 if you’d like to go ahead and listen.

 

6. Another way you can help is by giving your teen some help with refusal skills. How do they get out of a situation without feeling embarrassed or being harassed? I talked about this in relation to vaping refusal in episode 114 and have some excellent resources in the show notes. And this is where that connection comes in handy again. You want them to feel free to call you, text you, at all hours of the night or day if they need your help to get out of a situation. Always remember that – don’t punish your kid if they reach out to you for help (even if they aren’t supposed to be there).

 

7. And last, Dr. Laurence Steinburg suggests in his book, The Age of Opportunity, that the best way to keep teens safe from themselves and to protect other teens –is through public policy changes. For instance, he proposes schools delay starting until 9 am so teens get more of the sleep they need which will help limit mental health issues and sleepy driving in the mornings (for the inside scoop there listen to episode 58). He also proposes skipping those prevention programs that don’t work and instead spend that money on supervised after school programs. So, if your in a position to effect change or at least vote for change, do it.

 

And there you have it – Why teens do such risky things and what we can do about it. Just remember, being the guide for a young creature that has more torque than brakes takes a lot of patience, creativity, empathy, compassion, emotional regulation, and connection. You can do that.

Stay tuned for the rest of the series – 8 days in all – and we’ll talk about some of these other fundamentals. Next up, on Friday we’ll talk about supporting your kid’s autonomy and what a key factor that is in decreasing conflict and strengthening your relationship with them.

That’s it for Speaking of Teens today. I really appreciate you being here and being such a loyal listener…and if you’re new to the show, Welcome – please come back and join me on Tuesdays and Fridays each week and dive into the back catalogue when you can.

If you want to join the conversation, head over to the Speaking of Teens Facebook group and if you would like to learn more about how to successfully parent your teen, meet with me and other folks in the thick of parenting adolescents and have an opportunity to ask questions of other experts and challenge yourself to be the best parent you can be…join me in Parent Camp (the links for both are at the bottom of the episode description, where you’re listening)

Alright – until next time, remember, a little change goes a long way.