From Parent Camp Newsletter 1-31-24
I want to talk to you briefly about Your Teens’ Emotions (Section 3.3 of The Field Guide).
If you can build the habit of validating your kids’ emotions/feelings, it will go such a long way in building connection between you and decreasing arguments.
It can be really difficult if you’ve never done it before, so you have to practice slowing down.
When they’re upset or having a mini meltdown, it may activate your amygdala. If this happens, your amygdala sends you into fight or flight (or freeze) mode. You may get angry and say things that will escalate their behavior. You may get nervous and try to give them advice or fix things for them, walk away, and let them rant, or try to shut their behavior down by saying something like “everything will be okay” or “calm down”. And then again, you may just be unable to think at all and not know what to say or do.
Our brain has a funny way of protecting us in these moments that can really get us in a pickle with other people – especially our teens.
First, you have to find a way to get your amygdala under control (Section 2 of The Field Guide). Until then, all of this will be more difficult, but you can still manage while working on your emotional regulation.
In these moments, learn to talk to yourself! Tell yourself to slow down, there is no emergency. Remember, no one is holding a gun to your head, your kid is not going to die because they’re upset, and neither are you.
Now, take a deep breath, count to 25 (this gives you time and space to calm your amygdala), and repeat to yourself “they’re doing the best they can right now” or “they can’t help the way their brain works” or “when they’re at their worst, they need me the most”, whatever works for you.
Next, remember, you are not there to change their feelings or make their feelings go away. I know – this is a hard one. But our kids need to understand that they have a right to feel however they feel in that moment. This is why interrupting them to correct their language, snide remarks, attitude, respectfulness, etc. is not appropriate and will only make things worse. You can correct them after the storm has passed.
Of course, you have to keep them safe and keep siblings safe so if any hitting or destruction of property is going on simply move in gently to stop that from happening while continuing to listen.
Study those downloads in Section 3.3 and keep practicing! If you have questions or are having a problem with this, just let me know. Validating rather than invalidating their emotions, will help them calm down and will help you strengthen your connection with them (the ultimate goal!)
Hang in there and please let me know if you hit a snag!