Today’s episode is Day 2 in a series that I’m creatively calling the basics of parenting teens. Day 1 - Episode 130 - from last Friday kicked off the series, so if you haven’t heard that one yet, go listen and then come back to me here.

In Day 1 I talked about how a teen’s brain is in flux, going through some major programming, which both helps them learn faster and better than ever through experiences and practice and studying…and also prevents their prefrontal cortex from doing a very good job of using its executive functions – things like focus, planning ahead, self-control and making good decisions.

But that’s not all that’s going on. Stay with me and let’s talk about your teens’ emotional brain.

This is Speaking of Teens, the podcast that that teaches you the science of parenting adolescents so you can be less stressed and more excited about having a teenager. I’m Ann Coleman, I’m an attorney turned parent educator and I’ve spent years studying the science of teen behavior and I want to help you learn how to parent your teens for the best possible outcome.

Unfortunately, not only does the thinking part of the brain have a really hard time functioning properly during adolescence, but there are also parts of the brain that become super sensitive and really revved up. One of those regions is the amygdala – the region of the brain that impacts emotion. And during adolescence it’s much more sensitive than any other time.

And when you combine the supercharged amygdala with a prefrontal cortex that isn’t able to fully do its job, you get some of the most problematic characteristics of adolescence including impulsivity, emotional reactivity, extreme emotional highs and lows and difficulty regulating emotions.

Let me say that again – not only does an adolescent lack the full capacity of the thinking part of the brain, the part of the brain that would otherwise help them think before they act or say something, the part of the brain that would help them calm down when they get upset, the part of the brain that would say, “hey, maybe it’s nothing to be upset about” – not only do teens very little help here, but on top of that, the part of their brain than makes them so impulsive, emotional, moody, grumpy, angry, irritable, short, snappy, sulky and smart-assy…that part? That part is working overtime.

Doesn’t this make sense?

So, what does the amygdala do exactly to cause such problems for our teens and tweens? Let’s start with what it does for all of us.

The amygdala is the brain’s threat detector – and it is immediately sounds an alarm in the brain when we see, hear, feel, smell, or touch something it perceives as threatening (a car swerving into your lane, a bee buzzing around your head, a sudden loud noise right behind you).

That alarm triggers certain hormones and neurotransmitters (like adrenaline and cortisol) to be released in the brain and throughout the body. The fight or flight response.

The release of these brain chemicals automatically causes 3 things to happen to us:

changes in our body – our heart races, we might sweat, tremble, breathe heavier.

we’ll either feel some level of anger, or fear or nervousness and

We instantly react to the threat – we fight off the danger, get away from it, or sometimes just freeze in place like a deer in the headlights.

This response is called fight, flight, or freeze…(fight or flight for short).

Now, this response was really helpful when prehistoric humans lived in the wild and faced real physical dangers every day.

But in our modern society we’re rarely confronted with such life threatening situations.

The problem is, the amygdala has not evolved as quickly as society and it still immediately responds to anything it perceives as the least bit threatening (better to be safe than sorry, right?).

So, everyone’s amygdala often overreacts causing the fight or flight response by mistake.

The amygdala reacts when someone pretends to throw something in your face – you put your hand up to deflect - even if there’s nothing there.

If someone jumps out behind a door – you might scream, jump, or throw a punch! It’s an automatic reaction, with no thought.

Now this fight or flight response can save your life if the danger is real – if something was really going to hurt you. But if the danger’s not real (the amygdala’s mistaken) like the paper wad or someone surprising you – an adult’s prefrontal cortex can immediately jump in and regulate that amygdala…“oh – okay – no big deal” and calm their fear or anger, their heart will slow back down – all good.

But depending on the circumstances, this may not be true for an adolescent because the prefrontal cortex is still being programmed and is often too weak to step in and help with that regulation and rational thinking.

But that’s not the worst of it - the adolescent amygdala is so super sensitive – so jumpy - that it makes a lot more mistakes than a kid’s or an adult’s.

That means almost anything can trigger your teen’s amygdala – meaning they can get angry, frustrated, annoyed, nervous, afraid, of things that literally come out of nowhere.

It can be completely baffling for parents and even siblings. For example, being rushed, being told no, asking them to get off the game or put their phone away.

It’s hard to say because it depends on so many things: where are they when it happens, who are they with, are they already upset about something, are they hungry, tired, sleepy, do they have ADHD, ASD, anxiety, depression – so many issues play into the amygdala’s reactivity and the ability of the prefrontal cortex to jump in and help.

And the behavior your teen exhibits during when they’re in fight or flight depends on the emotion they experience – whether they’re more angry or more nervous. You might get anything from smart-ass comments, sulking, or yelling to putting a fist through a wall or screaming and crying.

It can be scary and confusing for you and for them. They don’t want to feel out of control.

And you know what makes the amygdala even more reactive? Stress. Of course it does. You know how when you’re already stressed out about something, and the least little thing can set you off?

Well, this is even more true for teens and tweens. And stress not only gives the amygdala a hair trigger, but it’s also been shown that it makes it even harder for teens and tweens to use their prefrontal cortex…to make good decisions, use self-control, calm themselves down.

And if you don’t yet accept that your teen is under a tremendous amount of stress, if the statistics don’t convince you, their behavior should. If your kid seems to always be in a bad mood, angry or throwing a tantrum, that’s not “bad behavior” it’s a reaction to their environment, the stress they’re under.

Think about what your teens deal with just regarding school. They can’t get to sleep until around midnight (listen to episode --- on sleep), the have to get up at the crack of dawn with maybe 6 hours sleep when they need at least 3 more, they’re always sleepy and tired leaving the house then they get to school and they have to somehow will their sleepy brain to listen and think, there are kids all around them using their phones when they shouldn’t be, vaping in the bathrooms, offering them drugs, possibly bullying them.

They have very little time to actually go to the bathroom between classes or even catch their breath, they’re made to eat lunch super early and in a hurry, walking the halls feels like their on stage where everyone’s judging how they look, what they’re wearing, whether they’re acceptable or not, they have to navigate friendships and teachers all day long.

Then at home they have to deal with you asking about homework and grades and they feel like screaming – just let me breathe – they see other people on social media all happy and smiley and having fun, and they feel extreme pressure to fit that mold, to get likes, to be in the group, to feel happy and normal when maybe they don’t.

So, there is no question your teen has a major amount of stress in their life.

So, that stress causes the amygdala to be triggered even more often. Then what causes anxiety and how is that different from stress?

Stress is caused by those things that are really happening all around us - externally - in the environment – the things I just mentioned for your teens.

But anxiety is about what’s going on inside – it’s an internal state – it could be caused by thoughts – thinking about something that might happen (what if he breaks up with me) or something that is going to happen (I’m going to totally fail this semester).

And when someone is anxious about something – it causes the amygdala to be even more on alert, more jumpy, more likely to make a mistakes and cause the fight or flight response over nothing. And the more it does that, the more jumpy it gets, which leads to even more false alarms.

This is how anxiety disorders develop…interpreting something as a threat when it’s not a real threat, causing the person to be on edge all the time – feeling like the sky’s going to fall anytime. It’s a horrible, horrible feeling and way too many teens right now feel that way every single day.

According to the Anxiety & Depression Association of America,  32% of kids between 13 and 18 have an anxiety disorder. I tell you this because teens are wired with this overly sensitive amygdala which makes them prone to this issue, makes them behave like assholes much of the time, and causes us parents to react, not with empathy for what they’re dealing with but with anger and punishment, which increases the amygdala’s reactivity and can eventually spin into anxiety if they’re not there already.

And with anxiety, the behavior issues only get worse - trouble at school, substance use, fits of rage…all go hand in hand with anxiety.

So, rather than looking at your teen’s behavior through the lens of “I have to make them stop acting this way”, try, “what is this behavior telling me?”

As a parent we have to be more empathetic, we have to understand that so much of a teenager’s behavior is beyond their control because of that weak prefrontal cortex. We  have to learn how to teach them to strengthen that connection from the prefrontal cortex to the amygdala so they can start being more in control.

But we can’t do this through punishment, arguing, lecturing or any of the other tactics most of us use when we haven’t yet learned better.

Later in this series I’ll talk about how we help them increase their ability to calm down quicker, to use their thinking brain more. But for now, start looking at their behavior as a signal to you to dig deeper and get curious about what’s going on underneath, what is it telling you?

Just like when they were a baby and they cried, we had to go through that checklist in our mind, (are they hungry, are they wet, are they sleepy, are they overstimulated…) what do they need?

But for the “wet” part, that checklist today is very similar – and they’re always stressed, they’re always sleepy or tired - usually hungry and they have a brain that amplifies every tiny little thing in their environment and makes them often feel like they’re walking through a minefield – if they develop anxiety they feel like their in that minefield with a blindfold on.

So, try to look at this behavior differently. Remind yourself they’re not acting this way on purpose – they’re not doing it out of spite, to make you mad, to manipulate you, they’re not a brat, they’re not uncaring, or any of the other things we tell ourselves.

They have a brain that drives this unpleasant behavior, and they haven’t yet learned how to regulate it yet. They’re doing the best they can right now – they need your help, your understanding, and your support.

Most importantly, know that this doesn’t last forever. Somewhere around 18 or 19 things start coming together a little more in the brain and they begin getting much better at using the prefrontal cortex –

Keep that in mind as they’re having their third meltdown of the afternoon.

That’s it for Speaking of Teens today. Thank you so much for being here. If you got something out of the show, please consider sharing it with a friend or two who may also need to listen. And please come back for Day 3 of the series – the basics of parenting teens – that will be on Friday.

Until then, remember, a little change goes a long way.