How do you get your teen to do what they’re supposed to do (or not do what they’re not supposed to do?)

What do you say? How do you act…to get things done and keep the peace? Is a cooperative teenager just a pipe dream? Maybe. But there are ways to approach your teenager that are more conducive to cooperation while others are more likely to cause an argument or get you nothing. Let me explain so you can try it at home and see what happens.

This is Speaking of Teens, the podcast that that teaches you the science of parenting adolescents so you can be less stressed and more excited about having a teenager. I’m Ann Coleman, I’m an attorney turned parent educator and I’ve spent years studying the science of teen behavior and I want to help you learn how to parent your teens for the best possible outcome.

Today I want to talk to you about cooperation from your teen because it’s a big freakin’ deal, right?

How many times a day do you ask, remind, and prod your kid to do what they’re supposed to…or correct, scold, and remind them not to what they’re not supposed to do?! I know - but what can you do instead?

Well, there are some really basic guidelines you need to remember when you’re trying to get your teen to cooperate.

Now, if you don’t have the patience for it and you’d rather just keep arguing and yelling and scolding, you can do that - or you can listen up and learn the dos and don’ts of cooperation.

But here’s the thing – you can’t really jump in and start right here. You don’t just come in and start trying to get your teens to cooperate without understanding some basics first and having that foundation. So, I’ll briefly review those here and I’ll link to the podcast episodes you need to listen to for a better understanding.

First – you have to be emotionally aware and emotionally regulated yourself. If you’re approaching them in anger or frustration or even fear…if you’re letting negative thoughts or biases take over, you’ll never succeed in gaining their cooperation.

Second – if you don’t understand and aren’t aware of their emotions, don’t understand their triggers, when they’re more approachable, you can’t tell when they’re about to explode, you don’t know how to validate their emotions, then you’re going to have a hard time with cooperation.

Third, and perhaps this should have been first, you need to be empathetic. You need to be able to put yourself in their shoes and understand where they are in their life. Understand how the changes taking place in their brain impact their thoughts, emotions and behavior and know that they cannot help that. Understand how to help them manage those changes while being kind, supportive and patient. Know that they’re doing the best they can with the brain they have right now.

Fourth - remember to be their guide rather than their jailer or someone waiting to catch them doing something wrong so you can punish them or give them consequences. Ask yourself what skill they need to learn to be able to do something they need to do and help them learn that skill rather than just hope that you scare them enough to do it right – it just doesn’t work that way.

Fifth, you have to make sure you’re not trying to parent in an authoritarian manner – you’re not still that “my way or the highway” parent. Teens need their  autonomy, they need to know you respect them and that you understand they’re not a little kid anymore, that you’re willing to listen to them, give them more leeway in the decision-making process, work with them as a team, and respect their privacy. This is a shift in parenting that must happen, or the next few years will be miserable and not end well. Treating your teen with the same respect you’d like from them is a huge piece of the puzzle when it comes to cooperation.

Sixth – make sure to connect with them through their own interests and by having more positive interactions than negative.

So, those are the makings of a connected and cooperative relationship with your teen.

Now, think about this - how many times do you think you remind, question, scold, lecture or otherwise plead for cooperation every day? For example, what about the mornings? What do you feel you need to make sure your teens do or don’t do in the morning?

I know just this past week we had at least a couple of posts in the Facebook group about trying to get teens out of bed and to school on time in the morning. Think about all the dos and don’ts in just in that hour or so before they leave the house in the morning.

Then there’s the afternoon after school – what are you on top of them about in the afternoon? Homework for sure, maybe chores, who can come over or where they can go, getting to extra curriculars on time.

And what about dinner and after – it’s a whole new list – getting them to the table, the phone, the games, more chores, getting to bed.

It’s a really long list when you think about it isn’t it?

Now out of all those things you want them to do or not do, I want you to remember that your concerns, priorities, your “shoulds” and “should nots” are not remotely similar to your teens’ priorities or concerns, are they?

They probably don’t care about most of the things you care about. They don’t care about the wet towel on the bed or the dirty dishes on their bedside table. They may not care if they flush the toilet or brush their teeth before bed.

So, right away we have the makings for a power struggle, an argument, battle of wills because your concerns just don’t align with theirs.

This is important to acknowledge and understand and wrap your mind around.

The things you think are important – why do you think they’re important? For example, why is it important that they brush their teeth every night? It’s a life skill they need to learn so they can have a healthy mouth – teeth and gums, and not have huge dental bills and have fresh breath. What about your should not of leaving their closet doors open all the time? Is that really a life skill they need to learn or is it just something that bothers you, gets on your nerves?

You need to acknowledge the difference because if you’re going to ask your teen to cooperate with something, it needs to at least make sense to them. You can’t expect them to want to cooperate simply because (those days are over).

So, keep all of this in mind when deciding exactly what you really need them to cooperate with, okay?

Alright, let’s start with some specific Don’ts when trying to get your teen to cooperate with you:

1. Don’t use guilt – “Since you wouldn’t clean your room, I spent hours in here doing it for you.” or “I do everything for you, and you can’t do this one simple thing?!” How do you feel when someone tries to guilt you? It doesn’t make you want to run up and hug them, does it? No. Your teenager doesn’t appreciate it either.

 

2. Never lecture – For a teen or tween, saying more than a sentence or two about a topic, is a “lecture”. If you want them to tune you out, ask them to sit down for a “talk” and proceed to list the pros and cons of their behavior. It will not work. Don’t even try. Always keep things short and to the point, when guiding them.

 

3. No “nagging” – Okay, so you and I both know that a teens’ definition of nagging and ours is quite different. One request could translate as nagging to the adolescent brain. But there are times when we tend to repeat ourselves unnecessarily. Stop repeating yourself. We’ll discuss other ways to handle requests in a minute.

 

4. Don’t use judgmental language – Saying, “How could you be that irresponsible? That jacket was expensive and now it’s ruined! I can’t believe you did that!” or “Why would you do such a thing? That’s the height of laziness!” When we use such negative descriptive terms when talking to our teens, they hear us saying “You’re irresponsible.” “You’re naïve.” “You’re lazy.” They feel judged, they’ll internalize these terms, and you don’t want that.

 

5. Don’t compare – “Why can’t you just study like your sister does – come home, crack open the books and get it done. Come on.”

 

6. Don’t use threats – It’s really easy to say something like, “if you don’t think it’s important enough to empty the dishwasher then I don’t think it’s important to wash your clothes” – or whatever. Instant power struggle. This is different from making an agreement in advance - but threatening to try and get cooperation is a non-starter.

 

7. Don’t make commands, orders or demands – Again, if you want to start a power struggle just tell your teen, “Set the table, NOW” or “Turn that X-box off this minute and start your homework”. Remember to talk to them with respect – the same as you would a colleague or your spouse – if you wouldn’t talk to them this way, why would you say this to your teen? It’s simply disrespectful to order anyone around (unless you’re both in the military). There are better ways and we’ll discuss them shortly.

 

8. Don’t speak to them like “children” – Teens, again, are seeking autonomy and trust. They consider themselves much more mature than we see them. Honor and respect how they see themselves by speaking to them in a more mature manner. Especially when their friends are around. Try to imagine they’re 30 when speaking to them!

 

9. Don’t yell at them from another room – Get used to the idea of either stopping what you’re doing to walk into the room with your teen to say something to them, use Alexa drop-in or call them, text them, anything but yelling from the kitchen up to their bedroom to ask them a question. It rarely turns out well.

 

10. Put Away the Crystal Ball – “I’m telling you, if you keep hanging out with Joe, you’re going to end up in jail!” or “If you can’t even clean up your room, you’ll never be able to take care of a car or a house.” Stop trying to predict the future with your kids. Remind yourself that you’re nothing like you were when you were a teenager!

So those are the tactics you don’t want to use with your teens. Communicating like this will not only cause arguments and power struggles but it will build animosity and cause disconnection between you and your teen…on top of making them feel bad about themselves and not gaining any cooperation.

The bottom line is, don’t speak to them in any way other than how you would want to be spoken to – pretty simple really.

Remember you’re always modeling behavior for your teens. If you’re disrespectful to them, raise your voice, use sarcasm, interrupt them, tune them out, you can expect the same back from them. Calm, respectful discourse should always be the goal.

So, if those are the ways you don’t want to communicate with your teens – the ways that won’t get you any cooperation, what exactly do you do instead?

Well, in Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish’s book, How to Talk so Teens Will Listen and Listen so Teens will Talk, they have several wonderful suggestions:

 State the Issue simply and succinctly - When you see your teen doing something they shouldn’t, simply state the issue, tell them what you see, and give them the opportunity to decide how to proceed from there.

For example:

You see your son, as usual, set his sweaty cup down on the coffee table. Rather than saying, “Get that cup off the table and grab a coaster!” You could say, “That cup is going to leave a ring on the coffee table” and let him interpret what to do about it (hoping he gets it!) This gives them a chance to make a decision about what to do rather than being told what to do.

Be honest about your feelings – Rather than lashing out in anger, demanding their cooperation or some of the other negative tactics, try simply expressing how you feel about whatever it is.

For example:

Before school you asked your daughter to pick up her dirty clothes and put them in the hamper before leaving and she said she would. But when you get home from work you find everything still in the floor. Instead of getting angry and saying something like, “You didn’t do what I asked this morning” or being sarcastic or any of the other don’ts, you could say, “I felt extremely frustrated when I got home today and saw your clothes still in the floor because you assured me you were going to clean up before school.”

And after you state how you feel, you then listen fully to their response.

Let’s say your daughter apologizes and explains that her ride came early, and she didn’t have time. You could simply acknowledge that sometimes things happen, and she could simply do it then. But if you’d gotten angry things would have likely ended in an explosion.

Another way to approach this is simply asking what happened and let them take it from there.

Give Guidance – Rather than blaming or using accusatory language, you can provide guidance so they understand what to do next time.

For example:

You look over and see the brand-new iPhone you just got for your teen has a huge crack in the screen and in anger you say, “What did you do?! I can’t believe you’ve already cracked the screen on that phone! It’s ruined and it’s 3 days old!” This puts your teen immediately on the defensive and is just asking for an argument.

Instead try, “You know, it’s a really good idea to always keep your phone in the case with its screen protector.”

Because, really, what good is it going to do to get mad and yell at them? It’s not going to turn back time and fix the screen. And you’re not going to fix that screen anyway, so there’s no extra money out of your pocket. Let them save up and have it fixed. iPhones break to easy anyway.

Offer Choices – Rather than commanding, demanding, or threatening, simply offer choices that are acceptable to both you and your teen. For example:

Your teen has asked to spend the night with a friend when she has a soccer match at 8:00 am. Instead of saying, “You can’t spend the night tonight, you have a soccer match in the morning.” you might try, “Since you have a soccer match in the morning, why don’t you go over to Amy’s for a couple of hours, and I’ll pick you up or you could spend the night tomorrow night.”

Use only a word or two – Rather than lectures, constant reminders, and reprimands, try keeping it short and sweet so they don’t become defensive. For example:

You walk by your teen’s bathroom and see tissues and empty shampoo bottles in the floor and normally you’d say, “How many times have I told you to keep the trash in your wastebasket? It’s disgusting in there.”

Instead, try, “bathroom floor”.

Or, you see your teen, as usual, kick his shoes off in front of the family room sofa and then start to leave the room. Instead of saying, “Oh my God, how many times do I have to tell you to take your shoes to your room?!” just say, “shoes”

Respectfully define your values and expectations – Instead of just complaining about what they’ve done wrong, or criticizing their behavior, clearly, and respectfully define your values and expectations for their behavior. For example:

You overhear your teen saying something hurtful to his girlfriend and you say, “Why are you so rude and hateful to her. If I were her, I wouldn’t put up with that for a minute.” Instead try, “I don’t like hearing you talk that way to anyone, especially someone important to you. If you’ve had a disagreement, I would expect you to discuss it with her without being hurtful.”

Try Humor – And finally, humor can take the place of most any negative communication trap. Get past your frustration or anger and think about what would get your teen’s attention. Remember you need to be able to “read the room” because humor will only work if they’re in the mood for it. Challenge them to a game called “guess how many dirty socks are under the bed?” and then get him to pull them all out and count! If you can get past your own frustration or annoyance to try to engage them this way, it’s often a life saver. If they’re supposed to scrub their tub, take shaving cream and write “clean me” on the bottom or on the shower wall. Use your imagination, they might come to really appreciate it every now and then.

And one final method you can use is to put it in writing. Instead of going into the bedroom for the 5^th time to ask them when they’re going to do something or reminding them to do something, (because it can sometimes be that just the sound of your voice could set them off) try sending them a text or write them a note and float it in there like a paper airplane or tie a sign around the dog’s neck. Seriously – it can take the edge off of the request.

 

As you can see there’s not a one-size-fits-all solution for how to obtain a little cooperation from your teens. Every situation is different, every kid is different. But it’s easy to see the common threat running through, isn’t it? Always respect. Treat your kids with respect. Yes, I know they don’t always treat you with respect and I’ve addressed that in other episodes, but remember you’re the adult here, the one with the fully programmed brain, who has the ability to stay emotionally regulated and think and do what’s best in the moment to not only keep the peace, but to maintain your connection with your teens and insure that the everyday issues that pop up don’t derail that connection because when the big poopie hits the fan, you’re going to need that connection – they’re going to need to trust that you will treat them the same way then, when much more is on the line than emptying the dishwasher.

That’s it for Speaking of Teens today. Thank you so much for listening.

If you enjoy the show, you’ll really love Parent Camp, a community of parents learning together through the Field Guide for Teens, meeting with me weekly, learning from expert guests and more – check it out through the link at the bottom of the episode description.

Alright, until next time, remember, a little change goes a long way.