Ann

Do you and your coparent; your spouse, partner, ex-spouse – do you see you see eye-to-eye when it comes to parenting your teen?

Other than just understanding how to parent a teenager, I think that may be one of the biggest struggles we can face as parents.

Whether you’re still married, or you’ve been long divorced, having different parenting styles and ideas can cause so many issues not only between you but obviously, for your kids.

Today’s guest is Aurisha Smolarski, a licensed marriage and family therapist from Los Angeles, California. In her practice, in addition to individual and couples therapy, she works as a co-parenting coach. I didn’t even realize there was such a thing.

Aurisha has recently published a book called Cooperative Co-Parenting for Secure Kids: The Attachment Theory Guide to Raising Kids in Two Homes. She has so much insight and a wealth of professional and personal experience in this area.

Stay with me – you’re going to get so much out of our discussion, whether you’re struggling to stay on the same page with your partner or ex-partner.

This is Speaking of Teens, the podcast that helps parents who are struggling to find peace and connection with their teens. My name is Ann Coleman; I’m an attorney turned parent educator and a mom who’s been there - and I want to help you build a stronger relationship and decrease the conflict with your kid so you can help them grow into the young adult they’re meant to be.

Today, Aurisha starts out explaining a little bit about attachment and how our attachment style impacts our adult relationships, including the coparenting relationship. And then she’ll give you some very practical tips for navigating coparenting (whether your divorced or not) and if you’re divorced, what role new partners should play and more. Stick around until the end for my summary.

 

Aurisha

Okay, so attachment theory is based on the innate biological drive for a human baby to seek protection, care, emotional attunement, and to really create that bond with their primary attachment figure who is their caregiver. And depending on how attentive and how present and available and reliable their parent is,

 

the child is going to develop different adaptive strategies, which then lead to patterns of behavior, which also then follow us into our adult relationships and our romantic partners then become our primary attachment figures. Yeah, so there are three main attachment styles that I talk about in my book that's secure, avoidant, and ambivalent.

So a child who has secure attachment, and again, that's the quality of the relationship between the parent and the child. So they feel seen, heard, they know their needs are gonna be met, they can count on their parent to be consistent and reliable and available to them when they're, you know, sending out distress signals during times of separation or if they're afraid or, you know, if they're sick. So they really have this internal, sense of confidence and that they know they can rely on being innately lovable and worthy. And they develop a very healthy sense of self and can move forward in their lives and navigate relationships pretty well. And they know that their needs are valuable and they know how to talk about their needs and ask for their needs to be met.

 

A child who has more of avoidant attachment style may have had a caregiver who was unreliable, who may have been more punitive or dismissive of their emotional needs. Maybe the caregiver was around, but maybe they connected more through teaching than care and nurture. And so this child may have spent a lot of time alone, so there may have been some levels of neglect.

And so this kid ends up growing up to have more of an avoidant attachment style. And they may struggle with, you know, talking about their needs and their emotions, because they don't have that language in them. They may not be very touchy feely because, you know, the parenting, someone who, who parents with more an avoidant style tends to not use a lot of touch and affection. And as an adult, this person may not use a lot of words in the way they communicate, or they may have difficulty in intimacy and in relationships.

And then there's the ambivalent attachment style. And this kid had a parent who may not have been very consistent. Sometimes they were reliable, sometimes not. Sometimes they were present. Sometimes the parent may have been more preoccupied with their own needs and their own emotions, or may have even been intrusive.

So this kid has developed sort of a sense of distrust. Like I can't really count on my parent and who's gonna show up. And so even if there is connection in those moments that child may have some anxiety about when is this going to disconnect? When's the other shoe gonna drop? So as an adult, they tend to bring that anxiety into relationships. They bring in, you know, maybe a higher level of neediness or clinginess. You can see that also in a child, that kind of like clingy to the parent. And so this person as an adult tends to like hold on to relationships maybe too long, or they looking for when is my partner going to leave me or abandon me, they're constantly scanning for those kinds of things. And so the way this shows up in our co-parenting relationship, and this is what led me to write the book is, cause I definitely work with a lot of these styles, working with couples who are romantically involved and wanna like help, how do we nurture a more stable relationship?

But I noticed that the mere act of the separation is what causes the activation of our attachment system - to seek care protection from our primary caregiver as kids, but as adults, it was our primary attachment figure who was our romantic partner. So the last person who was our romantic partner was our spouse who were no longer in a relationship with as of like a month ago. And so it takes time for our systems to kind of set, like untangle, I talk about it as like untangling our attachment cables or our emotional cable from the person who once held that role of attachment figure. And I think that often at the root of all of this, of a lot of the conflict, is because our systems are still seeking validation and worthiness and lovability and from a person who is no longer holding that role for us. So I really, yeah, yeah.

 

 

Ann

Oh my gosh, you just blew my mind. Okay, wait, let me ask you before we go on. So if I'm understanding this correctly, then we go from our attachment figure being our parent to our significant other, whoever that is, right? So then when we break up or move away from each other, then our whole system is like, oh my gosh, now what? I don't have this attachment figure anymore.

 

Aurisha

Yes, yes.

 

Ann

So we're kind of out of sorts. And so every, that's why when we're going through a divorce, we're just go crazy. We don't know what ends up, right? Huh.

 

Aurisha

Yeah, exactly. Because as a child, you develop these adaptive strategies to get your needs met. Those patterns of behavior, if you have insecure attachment style, show up in their full force during a divorce. Like the shame and the fears and the insecurities, all of that are aggravated during a divorce, during a crisis.

Even during conflict, even if you're married, you're gonna see more of these kind of adaptive coping mechanisms, right? Of like, how do I get my needs met? For someone who has more ambivalent, they may over-exaggerate their needs or they may need a lot of reassurance or can you let me know that the relationship mattered and if they're with, if their ex was more avoidant, that person is gonna be like out of here and their way of coping is shutting down, of moving on quickly, of not looking towards the past. Meanwhile, the person with ambivalent attachment style is living in the past still and brings a lot of the past stuff and has difficulty in letting go of the past. And they may use more like punishing or those kinds of behaviors. Whereas the person with the avoiding is dismissive, they shut down. And so that creates in and of itself the conflict of like just between that of dismissive and then the person who's like, be here.

 

Ann

Yeah. Right. That explains so much. I think that, just that whole thing just explains so much about how people move through their daily lives too. I mean, their attachment. I mean, it explains so much. It seems to me about personality types and that kind of thing. I'm wondering too, you know, when you're talking about a child creating this attachment.

 

Ann

What if one parent is one way and the other parent is another way? How does that kid end up? What is their attachment like?

 

Aurisha

Yeah, so it only takes one parent to develop a secure relationship with their child so that their child has secure attachment, adaptations, right? They grow up with that. So I think, yeah, I tell co-parents this all the time and they're like, okay, great. Because you know, and we, you know, a child will develop different attachments with different adults. That's why they also say a child who has even a wonderful...

 

Aurisha

teacher can save the life of that child if things are really going badly at home. So it really takes one adult to help nurture a secure inner sense of self and being in confidence in a child.

 

Ann

Wow. Okay, that makes so much sense. That makes everything make sense. Divorce attorneys should really be taught that too. By the way, you can do that on the side, yeah.

 

Aurisha

They really, that's why I want this. Yeah, I mean, I'm hoping to get the book out too, a lot of divorce attorneys, so they can just share it with their clients because I think it demystifies a little bit of like, why do I do what I do? And why does my co-parent do what they do? And why do we keep triggering each other? And now that the relationship isn't about the two of you surviving, it's just about the kid, it can help co-parents sort of stop trying to get their needs met and activating all their attachment stuff and get those met in more appropriate ways - their friends and family and maybe new partners along the way, and to really just focus on the kids. And so, yeah.

 

Ann

Yeah. Does it happen that made me think of, you know, I've seen parents have really irrational relationships with their kids, like during and after divorce or during a separation, that kind of thing. Is that, is the parent trying to get those attachment needs met through the child? Does that happen?

 

Aurisha

So unfortunately, yeah, that's like putting the child in an inappropriate role. I call that, you know, like it's parent, I don't call it, but this is the term is parentifying your child where, and especially, you know, we have to be careful, especially with teens. I know this podcast is really for parents who have teens. And so often a parent can mistake their teenager who has a lot of sort of wherewithal and can communicate almost like an adult, you know, and they may lean on them for emotional support or to be like a friend or as a confident or like their therapist. And that really is really hard for the child because it's confusing. And that's not their job. Their job is to be a kid. Their job, even as a teenager, is to push on boundaries, to have you hold space for their emotions and their experience. And that's why, you know, I definitely counsel people to you know, if you need help, it's okay, but get a therapist, lean on your friends to vent, not your kids, because that is one of the things that can cause longer term harm to a kid, you know, and cause insecurity. All of a sudden they learn like, okay, well I have to take care of my parents emotions because otherwise they are losing it and I don't know, you know, who's here, who's in charge. And so let me be in charge. That way it feels safer in the environment or they learn to like not share their emotions because if they do or if they say they love the other parent or they like the other parent's partner, maybe that's gonna cause anger in one of their parents and they don't want that. So they minimize their own emotions as a way to kind of keep the peace or caretake the parents volatility.

And all of that is going to develop in these adaptive strategies that I was talking about earlier of either shutting down their emotions, my emotions are not important, my parents are more important, my needs aren't important, my parents are. And so they then become caretakers or people pleasers or they shut down their emotions and just don't talk about them.

 

Ann

So how do we move into then this co-parenting thing? Because I tell you what I see most with people trying to deal with this with their teenagers and they're divorced. And you see a lot like on Facebook. I'm in a lot of parenting groups and that kind of thing. And I have people in my group and what happens is, you know what happens, but you know, the kid decides at some point, okay, mom's making me, you know, walk the chalk line and I don't want to do that anymore. So I'm going to go over to dad's house or vice versa. And you know, they let me do whatever I want. And you've got two parents who've never learned this co-parenting stuff. And they do not get along, they cannot get along, and then you've got the kid kind of calling the shots. I don't know how you, if you've got two people who have not come together to decide that they want to get along and co-parent properly, how does one parent then try to navigate this alone, basically?

 

Aurisha

You mean like when there are different rules or different boundaries and the kids is kind of like pitting the two parents against each other? Oh yeah. I mean that happens in one home family systems, you know? And I think that parents will bring in their different parenting styles and rules. Even in one home, I mean I work with couples and I have to talk to them about the same thing. It's like, you know, you guys gotta get on the same page. It's much easier if you're married. If you're divorced, it's true. You can't really control what goes on in the other home. But you can focus on how can I be consistent within my own home? And how can I talk about this in such a way with my kid that it turns into more teachable moments where they aren't taking on any feelings of being put in the middle or that they have to kind of navigate all this alone. Because the kid who's navigating difficult situations like two different sets of rules who has to, you know, a kid who has to navigate these challenges by themselves, actually doesn't do as well as a parent who's really attentive to their needs. And one thing that I hear often is like, my other parent, my co-parent is making it so much harder for me to parent.

And so what I coach is you gotta shift the, it's not about you having an easier time parenting, it's about your kid having an easier time. And so you can shift the mindset there as like, what can I do to make it easier for my kid?

So one of the first things is be united front. Even if you are only doing it in your home, the way you talk about your co-parent, the way you talk about the rules and boundaries, you don't wanna ever throw your co-parent under the bus or even say those little things like, I can't believe that he's letting you watch TV for four hours. You don't wanna say that under your breath, your kids hear it. And they use that, right? They wanna gain more information. They want to get their way.

The thing is, as you know, need those healthy boundaries to push up against. So even if they're doing that like, well at my dad's house I get to have this, or at mom's house I get to have that, they're actually looking for a boundary. And so you can do it in a loving and respectful way. You don't have to get aggressive and punitive. You can say, I get it, you know, I know it. You know, at dad's house you get to have, you know, XYZ in our house here. This is what we're doing. And just hold the boundary gently.

 

Also, you can help your child, you know, explain to them why. That's also very important. Like, this is why we have this boundary here in this home, and this is why it's gonna help you succeed in life, or this is why, without getting too wordy, because of course kids, after a while, they'll be like, I'm outta here. And also, use it as an opportunity to talk about that it's kind of the way it is in life, right? There are gonna be different boundaries between their friends' houses or at school or when they get older at work or just in life.

There are different values in the world they see all the time. So you can talk to them about normalizing it and help them understand the differences so that they then develop a sense of flexibility. And so instead of being rigid and like, well, my way is right and dad, mom is doing it wrong, which is not going to help your kid. You can help them by, you know, learning this value of flexibility. This is how we do it. You know, this is, this is part of living in two homes is that you may have different, you know, rules in this house and rules in that house.

So let me help you and also talk to them about their feelings and help them feel seen and heard, you know, I get it. It's really confusing to like, you know, over at dad's house, you have this sort of rule around chores and then you come over here and it's a little bit different or about TV time it's a little different and then stay consistent with your rules and your boundaries.

But you know acknowledge that it can be confusing and that is hard. You know one thing that I think is also interesting to think about is sometimes even for teenagers they may pit the parents against each other as a way to get the parents to talk to each other.

 

Ann

Yeah, that makes sense.

 

Aurisha

So if a kid hasn't actually heard or processed their emotions, they may still hold on to a fantasy that, you know, if I get in trouble, then maybe my parents have to come together and talk about me and maybe they'll like get back together. So we, you know, again, by being consistent and like letting them know there's nothing you can do to change this, this isn't about you can help also decrease them acting out in a way to like inadvertently try to get you guys together. Um, so that's something to watch out for.

 

Ann

Oh, wow. Hmm. Yeah. And I'm assuming they don't do that intentionally. That's something that's just kind of subconscious, right? With the kid.

 

Aurisha

Yeah, it's a way of them navigating their own feelings about the divorce, the grief and all that, which is why it's so important for parents with teenagers, with little, you know, young kids, any age kid really to spend time throughout the divorce. You know, a divorce is not a one-time thing. It's not like you talk about the feelings and then you were done. Years later, you know, this was happening actually just with my child. Six years in, we were having like an upheaval of emotions and just talking about like, what it's like for her or transition. Because it comes up at different times and different emotions are gonna come up as they grow and develop, they're going to have different abilities to express themselves. Where they, like a young five-year-old may not have the same ability to talk about their feelings or their thoughts or how they're making sense of the changes and all that then a teenager. And so you really wanna make sure that you offer space for them to continue to process their feelings about it. And different things come up at different times, you know, depending on their developmental stages.

 

Ann

Yeah, I was going to say, I imagine that the times that this comes up, you know, are maybe some of those like monumental occasions like graduations and important events and that kind of thing. Is that when you think you would see that kind of angst in a kid?

 

Aurisha

I mean, I think you're going to see it. Yeah. If there are big changes, like a move will definitely bring up stuff. Like maybe it will trigger old memories of the first initial move. You know, like, okay, let's say you have a new partner, you're moving in with them, you're talking to your kid about it, and they have a resurgence of like, you know, more emotions about the divorce.

It could be because it's reflective of either unprocessed or just it brings up again the first time that like mom or dad moved and they had to like kind of establish themselves in a new home and so they're like I don't want it. So changes anytime there are changes and big transitions I think is really where we have to be very attuned and go slow and be attentive to our kids needs and emotions and it's not that they're the ultimate decision makers around like you know a move or you know um but their voice really matters and teenagers are so, really, really need to feel that their voice matters and that they are able to make certain decisions that are child appropriate, you know? Because you hear this even in adults who are like, you know, kids of divorce, they're like, I never had a choice. Mom just did this or dad just did this and never included me in it or didn't listen to my needs.

 

Ann

Yes, yep. Right.

 

Aurisha

And that's what lingers with them. It's not necessarily the move itself or moving in with a new partner or whatever. It's more that they didn't spend the time to talk to their kid about, what do you think? You know, how do you see yourself in this? And so I think it's really important to give kids a voice and space to be heard and seen and that, you know, they feel like they really matter and that they're prioritized.

 

Ann

Yeah. Even if you can't do what they would prefer to do, you've at least let them have their say and you've recognized it, right? Yeah.

 

Aurisha

And I think there's always room to integrate, you know, a perspective or like a need. There are ways that we can allow a child to feel like that they have, that they're participating, you know.

 

Ann

Yeah, they got a win somehow out of it. A little win, is that what you mean or no? Mm-hmm.

 

Aurisha

A win or that they're included. You know, like if someone's getting remarried, that they know ahead of time, that they have a role in the actual ceremony, or that they choose to participate in a way that they want to. Giving them choice can be really, really helpful for a teenager to feel like a sense of control. Same with like, you know, we're talking about marriage, but like, you know, allowing the child to choose the label and how they, you know, talk you know, how they name the new partner they may. Yeah, that's a choice that they can make that allows them to feel empowered in like, okay, here's, you know, dad's new partner, great. Or now she's living with us. I wanna call her by her first name. I don't wanna call her mama this or, you know, what she wants or what does. Yeah, and I think that's that really, you know, that can turn a.

 

Aurisha

Teenagers are off, they want to be able to make those kinds of decisions.

 

Ann

Let's talk a little bit about remarriage or cohabitation with a teenager in the house and how, because I've seen this come up just recently where it looks like the teenager is not really keen on the, this person moving into the home and they don't want to be there and it's just causing all kinds of issues. How do we, I know talking about it in advance when we're going to bring someone into the, you know, to the home or to the family, but what happens when you've got this new person and then this teenager who is, you know, or somebody going through puberty or just after puberty and, you know, all the feelings. Talk to me a little bit about that.

 

Aurisha

Yeah, I mean, obviously with every kid is different depending on what's going on in the family system. But I think that there are some general guidelines that can help a teenager out, help any age kid, but like teens definitely have. They let their opinions be known. I think that, you know, taking your time first off, like even before you introduce, you know, the partner in, it's like really just taking your time so that you know that they're good for you, good for your kid and good for the parenting system.

And what I mean about good for the co-parenting system is that they are supporters of your two-home family system, not dividers. A kid wants to make sure that her or his two parents can still work together, that things don't change that much, and that the co-parenting system, based on what they know, that their family that is now in two homes doesn't change, and that this new person is a supporter of that.

So the child is going to feel and sense whether or not this partner, this new partner creates friction or division or makes it harder for them to navigate between the two homes or creates conflict between their parents. And so that's why it's really important, I think, for this person to see that their role is about increasing love for the child and community, even if the child doesn't want to love them.

They just are supporters and they are not the enforcers of the rules. I think it's important to really clarify with your partner before they move in that they don't take on a parenting role for your child, but they take on, again, a supporting. They can champion the rules and the boundaries that you guys have had, but they don't enforce them because you're gonna get the child who's like, not my dad, not my mom, and they're not gonna wanna hang out. And they're like, I don't wanna be there because all of a sudden I have this other person who's telling me to clean my room. They're not mom. They don't get to do that. And so a kid is gonna be like, I'm gonna assert what I want by not being there because it makes them feel uncomfortable.

The other thing I find is that, you know, you can be very excited, your new partner's coming in, you're like, okay, let's rearrange the whole house. And you know, they're working from home, so how about we move you into, since you're only here part-time, why don't we move you into this room and they can have that as their office or maybe, a kid is going to feel rejected, they're going to feel not prioritized, they're going to feel like this replaced. And so I'd say keep things as consistent as it was before and you don't take their space away, their space at the table. No one, you know, if they always sat, you know, in a certain chair, they will continue to sit that chair and that the partner has another chair or, you know, little things like that can really help the child feel like. This person doesn't take anything away from me by being here, you know?

 

Ann

Yeah, yeah. That makes so much sense. And I hate to interrupt, but about the rules, let's back up a minute because, you know, enforcing the rules and this person not being an enforcer of rules. So how far does that go? For example, let's say because this is a real life example, let's say dishes are left in the sink and the rule is, you know, you put up your own dishes, the kid didn't put up the dishes and the new person in the house says, hey, you didn't put up your dishes.

 

Ann

I mean, is that something that they shouldn't even do? Or is that stepping over the line? Or is that okay?

 

Aurisha

I mean, I think it's, like I said, you can champion the rules that have been decided or the decisions that have been decided by the parents. So that's supporting, like, hey, kiddo, you know that your dad, let's say it's a partner with dad, you know that your dad and your mom, you both, let's say they have consistent rules or whatever, you know that we have in this house, your dad has said that your job is to do the dishes after dinner. So, you know, is there anything I can do to help you make sure that happens? Right. So they aren't. Yeah.

 

Ann

So as long as the rules already been made and they're not making up a new rule, then it's okay to help maybe enforce or support those rules. Okay.

 

Aurisha

Yes. And I think also what can happen is, let's say, you know, it's mom has a new partner and mom is like, Hey, new partner. Hey, Joe, can you tell kiddo to clean a room? Mom has to go tell kiddo to clean the room. Like you can't use that person now as the enforcer through you or like defer to now you're the bonus parent, you know, step-parent as the person who is the primary enforcer, right?

So again, it's like, no, mom, you go tell kiddo to clean her room, and then the bonus parent can be a supporter of that. Okay, so what did your mom say? Can I help you with that? I'm noticing you're struggling a little bit with cleaning your room, and just support the guideline and the rule. Does that make sense?

 

Ann

Yeah. And I can see, yes. And I can see how it's not really fair to the bonus parent to put them in that position where they become the enforcer either, you know.

 

Aurisha

Right, because they're gonna get rejected by the kid. They're like, you're not my mom, you're not my dad, you don't get to tell me what to do. I have enough with both of them. I don't need another one, and they're going to disrespect that person. And again, the way to do that is not like them, not accept them, and not wanna hang out.

 

Ann

Right. When a parent is dating someone or marries someone who does not have kids, have you seen that is a bigger problem? Is it easier for someone to come into this situation who has children themselves and understands how things work than bringing someone in who's never had a child and doesn't get it?

 

Aurisha

No, I think, I mean, I think, again, it depends on the person. I think it minimizes the complexities of bringing in additional children in the mix and where everyone stays and navigating with another co-parent. So if you're, if, if you're with somebody who doesn't have any kids, even though they're divorced and they may be separated from someone, they don't have another relationship that they have to tend to, so in a way it can simplify it. Um, it can simplify it in the sense that they don't see their parent growing tender and affectionate feelings for another kid who is not their actual blood sibling. So that can be hard for a child. So I think in a way it can probably be simpler if it's a parent, if it's an adult who doesn't have children. I think it's important to have really in-depth conversations or talk to them about their values around parenting and their role and what they understand about parenting. And you're going to bring them and do maybe some guiding work on like, what does it mean to be a parent? But that's not that. I think as an adult, if you like children, you're going to be okay with being someone who has a child. If you don't like kids, then I would suggest don't be with someone who has a child. That just like, and that's something you wanna find out. Like,

 

If you're dating someone who doesn't have a child and you find out six months that they actually don't like kids, that's gonna be problematic. So that's, again, take your time, find out about like how they talk about kids or how they wanna connect to kids. How do they view themselves as, you know, developing a relationship with your kid? And that's really important, right? And some people can be wonderful additions who never had a kid and even better.

 

Ann

My husband and I, we, when we were going through all the stuff with my son, our son, we did not see eye to eye on parenting. We, my emotions were out of sorts. I was reacting and not responding. I was, you know, I was the one who was literally in the wrong, but nevertheless, I mean, we, we fought as much as we were trying to deal with our son. I mean, we were all fighting. It was horrible. So how, you know, and when the teen years hit, I feel like, you know, everything was fine up until then. And then all of a sudden, you know, we had really differing opinions about how to deal with things. What would you tell parents? I mean, should we be talking about how we're going to deal with things when the teen years hit or, you know, and how do you get back on the same page? I mean, how do you counsel people about that?

 

Aurisha

So our parenting styles definitely reflect the ways in which we parent. We were parented. Um, and values. So I always, you know, I deaf, especially with my co-parenting teams, I really have a conversation first around values. Um, and I find that you can kind of get a little bit more on the same page when you start with values. You know, do you want our, do we want our kids to grow up feeling like their emotions matter? Do we want them to grow up feeling, um, more defiant or being more aggressive, right? And then you can talk about the different parenting styles and all that. And so if parents get sort of more aligned in their values, which I do think that there's more alignment there than they realize, then you can start to talk about the rules that go along with those values and how that will help their child gain a sense of responsibility and that's a big one. Like, I just want my kid to be responsible, so I'm gonna be very strict with the rules. Well, that actually is going to make them more defiant and more aggressive towards authority. And so there's some education that goes in it. And again, as a therapist, I'm holding that space. They're coming to me for help and for some of this information. So, you know.

If you don't have a counselor or co-parent or a parenting coach, it can be a little bit more complicated. But so I generally, you know, with people who aren't sitting in a room with a third person is step outside of the parenting for a moment and have like a meeting, a parenting meeting and talk about like, okay, what are our values? And what are the rules and how do we want to help our child be able to understand there are normal consequences?

 

How do we explain it to our child in such a way they understand it so that they don't feel punished in a way that creates shame or secretive behavior, right? So anything that's imposed in a way that a child feels like they have to rebel against, that's not what you want. So it's important for parents to talk without the child in their presence about these and to get on the same page when the child is not present and to do some research, read some books if you need to. And also understand that like, and bring in compassion, like, you know, maybe your partner was parented in this way and they don't know any better, or they're triggered by, you know, a child who yells back. And so they, their anger system gets triggered because maybe they had, you know, maybe more of an angry parent. And so, you know, you can do this in a way that's compassionate, not about my way is right, I read this or, you know, in a book or, you know, on an Instagram feed, they say we're supposed to do this and you're doing it wrong. That isn't going to actually create more collaboration because here you are is I'm right, you're wrong, which will lead to more defensive behavior, you know, and you kind of like putting in, you know, they're just going to shut, shut this, shut it down. Like, so it's, it's more about finding compromise. I think is really important that there isn't just one way. Being curious, asking questions, what do you think? You know, it looks like kiddo is really struggling with doing homework, you let him off the hook, but I really want him to finish it. He's getting, kiddo's getting confused, and is saying like, you know, and just running out the door, not doing homework, and now his grades are failing. So the value may be we want our kid to succeed at school. And so then you get a line there.

 

Ann

Yeah, yeah. Well, that's what, you know, I get a lot of parents who say, you know, I wanna do what you preach in the podcast, I want to do these things well, but my spouse will not get on board. What, you know, what do I do? They're more authoritarian, they're more, you know, into punishment and they're, you know, they are just kind of messing up everything I'm trying to do now to create a home where my kid feels his autonomy is supported in X, Y, Z. How can you talk to the other person, the spouse or the co-parent, to get them on board with a new kind of parenting or a new way of looking at things? Do you have any advice for these people?

 

Aurisha

I mean, if your partner is open to counseling or coaching, that's great, or to reading, or to reading together, and to find alignment in the outcome that you want your child to have. Yeah, people who have more authoritarian are strict, and those kids do tend to be well-behaved, and that's what I did, and that's, you know, but again, it's about like, well, they're well-behaved, but yet...look what's happening, all we're getting is a lot of push, a lot of pushback and a lot of aggression. You know, so I think again, it's about like getting aligned on the outcome that you want to have and talking to your partner in a way that acknowledges what they want and what they need, but also acknowledging how they're getting triggered and how maybe their more control or their own trigger around how they were parented. If this person is open enough with you as their partner to do this, it's an opportunity to do more deep dive into their own emotional, into both of your own emotional landscapes of where this came from. People parent out of anxiety, you know, where they get a little bit like, you know anxious about leaving the house on time. And so all of a sudden their voice, you know, gets louder. And then the kid is, feels the anxiety and they push back, right?

So I think it's also important, I bring in voice to think about like your tone and the way that we parent. And so someone might say, I'm not yelling. And meanwhile, you're like, your kid's like, yeah, you're yelling. And I've heard this from dads, especially is like, they're like, I'm not yelling, I'm just getting stern. What happens when you're dysregulated? As a parent, when you're stressed or feeling anxious, you've got to get out the door on time, you know, you've got a meeting and your kid is like still in the house, because people work from home still, right? The anxiety, the stress is going to be, you know, amped up or you've had a really long day at work, you come in, you got to realize that, you know, for men, their voice goes down lower and boomier, which can feel kind of scary and overwhelming to kids and feel and feel like yelling.

And for women, it tends to get higher and shriller, which again, we were like, I'm just a little, but meanwhile it sounds like yelling to your kid. So I think that that's also something to bring awareness to your partner is like, I know that you're just trying to hold the boundary that we agreed on. What's happening though is you're, you're getting a little bit louder and your voice is getting boomier. And I think kiddo is, you know, if you look at him, maybe he's just kind of feeling overwhelmed or getting a little bit nervous or scared and cowering or getting yelling back, you know, like, do we want to go in the back and forth or how can we, you know, do this better to get the outcome that we want.

 

Ann

Right, right. Yeah, I feel so sorry for people because I know where they are because I was the one that was the authoritarian and I was the one that was parenting out of fear. And it is, it's a terrible place to be. And it's so confusing for the kid when you've got two parents not only not being able to work out how they want to parent the kid, but not knowing how to parent the kid. It's just so horrible.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Aurisha

And I think the one last thing that I would say about that really has helped me along the way too is when your kid is acting out, it means they have a need and a feeling that's not being met. And so you can bring curiosity instead of trying to fix or change it. And that was, you know a really big game changer for me and like, you know, my kid is acting out there, you know, she's talking back, what's going on. Okay, wait a minute. What does she need right now? What is her, what might she be experiencing right now? And that just that helped to get out of my own stuff and back into being an attuned parent, which you know, it's kind of like we have different parts of ourselves. We have the parts that get triggered that are our young parts, you know, and then you have the parenting part.

and the part that's more tuned that can connect with the child. So the one that's yelling and screaming or getting triggered are generally, I'd say, are our child parts of us where we didn't feel seen and heard by our parents. And so here we are, we're trying to yell and trying to parent our child from a child part of us. So here's a five-year-old trying to parent a 12-year-old. That's not gonna work obviously. So we got it. That's why that pause is really great to connect. Like I'm feeling triggered. Let's take a breath. So you get out of that, you know, allowing that young part of yourself to kind of, you know, be in control and let that one soften back and step away from that one so you can get back into your attentive, nurturing the parent that you want to be. And then being curious with your kid, what's going on for you. You have a need.

Ann

Getting to the heart of our own emotional world is, as you can see, critical if we want to be the best parent we can be.

It starts with awareness and sometimes we’re just not capable of reaching that awareness on our own.

You may need a therapist to help you explore why you feel so strongly about certain things or why you’re triggered by specific situations.

You may also want to get a therapist if, instead, you’re sharing too much with your teenager – they need to be able to come to you with their emotions – not the other way around. You don’t want them using maladaptive strategies to get their needs met.

If you’re divorced, Aurisha says if you and your coparent are not on the same page to remember, this is not about making things easier on you as a parent – it’s about making it easier on your kid to be a kid with parents who don’t see eye-to-eye. Like remembering not to ever bad-mouth or throw their other parent under the bus. Hold the boundaries in a kind way at your own home and acknowledge how your teen feels when they get to do something else or have other rules at their other parent’s house.

Remember to be attuned to your kids’ needs and make sure they’re included in big decisions and during major changes or transitions. Show them they have a voice in the family.

Also, as she pointed out, other adults in the house who aren’t the child’s parent, are to be supporters and not dividers or disrupters or enforcers. As she said, they need to be bringing extra love into the family, not upending everything - and they can champion the rules (remember, mom or dad said to do this) but not enforce the rules.

And Aurisha also says if you’re struggling with your coparent (married or divorced) talk about the values you want to instill in your child and if those values align, you can try to agree on the rules that will help you achieve that goal. And that if you can’t do that, it’s time to seek help - get some education and guidance from a therapist, a parenting coach (or maybe even the Speaking of Teens Parent Camp).

And finally, remember what she said about our child parts? She said that’s the part of us that’s triggered and doing the yelling – the part of us that didn’t feel seen or heard by our own parents – so remember to take that breath or take a break and then get curious about your child’s needs.

Okay – that’s it for speaking of teens today, join me again on Friday for another episode and please think about sharing the podcast with someone you know who could use a little more information about parenting their teenager.

I really appreciate your support and reviews and DMs and emails. I feel super lucky to have found my people and I’m happy to be helping you in some way.

Please come join us in the Facebook group where we talk about everything teens and tweens and you can have your questions answered by other kind and patient parents – no need to even preface your question with (please be nice) – we’re are not that kind of parenting group!

Alright – until next time, remember, a little change goes a long way.