Attitude and disrespect. Those are the two of the most commonly cited struggles for parents who come into our Facebook group.

Welcome to the club, right? If your teen isn’t snarky, I’d be more concerned because they would be extremely unusual.

But just because we all deal with it certainly doesn’t make it any less of an issue.

So, why are they like this and what do we do about this type of behavior? Stay with me because we’re going to talk about your teen with the attitude.

 

This is Speaking of Teens, the podcast that helps parents who are struggling to find peace and connection with their teens. My name is Ann Coleman; I’m an attorney turned parent educator and a mom who’s been there - and I want to help you build a stronger relationship and decrease the conflict with your kid so you can help them grow into the young adult they’re meant to be.

 

I think the first thing we have to do here is redefine this rude, snippy, and bitchy and mean.

So, what does it mean exactly? What do you mean when you say your teen is being disrespectful?

Lisa Damour in, Untangled, her book on adolescent girls, says that she prefers to use the word polite rather than respect because “respect” can be too abstract a concept to be enforced. Polite is just easier to understand.

But I’ve learned that the definition of respect or politeness can also depend on the parent. And the more you lean towards the controlling, authoritarian style of parenting, the more behavior you’re likely to consider to be disrespectful. So, really be careful that you’re not overreacting to their behavior – and I’ll talk about that in a minute.

 

First let’s make the distinction between your teen being rude in the middle of an emotional meltdown or a tirade and being rude in the car on the way to the game. These situations are not the same as far as how you might respond. When they’re in the middle of big emotions, you need to concentrate on the emotion – on connecting with them in that moment – listening and acknowledging and helping them work through it. It’s not the time to correct their behavior. But you can always address it later after the storm has passed. What happens quite often is that your kid will end up apologizing before you make your way to them to discuss it.

 

And if they don’t apologize, it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with them. You can go ahead and in one sentence let them know that what they said was hurtful or rude or not nice – however you want to say it – and that you really hope that next time they can express how they feel without using those words or making such remarks. That’s enough. More than that and it becomes a lecture.

But we’re talking about regular old run of the mill, not having a meltdown, type of behavior. They just didn’t like what you said and gave you an eyeroll or answered your question very sarcastically, ignored you completely or said something jokingly that really hurt. You know the type of behavior I’m talking about.

Why do they do this? What evolutionary or developmental purpose could this kind of behavior possibly advance?

A lot of it falls under the big umbrella of individuation. You may have heard me say it before but it’s certainly worth hearing again; teens are trying to learn who they are and are becoming their own person separate and apart from you. They are trying to show you they know as much (if not more) than you do and are absolutely not a little kid.

They put all their value right now in their friends – their friends are at the top of the pyramid and you’re way down at the bottom. There’s an innate sense that they need to push you away, to make it clear that they don’t need you the same as they did when they were a child, that you don’t really understand who they are anymore.

As Damour points out in her book, girls in particular have a really special way of doing this to their mothers that can hurt to the core. They know those specific vulnerabilities they can key in on. And they have a knack for saying things in a joking manner that still has that same bite that makes you wonder if she really even knew what she was saying.

She did.

But boys do this pushing away too. They’re just a little more up front about it.

 

Another reason they can be so rude and mean and unappreciative (I think everyone groups that under disrespectful as well) – it’s because of that super sensitive amygdala. The emotional center of their brain – their threat detector – is always on alert. So, teens are quick to be annoyed, frustrated, angry, which in turn causes their impolite behavior. They pop off a snarky remark before they even have time to think about. And the reason is – the rational thinking part of the brain – the part that controls executive functions like using self-control and making good decisions – it’s still a work in progress and won’t be fully online until their mid-twenties. I’ll link to some episodes about this as well. So, their emotional sensitivity is a real problem for us and for them. Because as I’ve said many times – they don’t want to feel the way they feel any more than you want to deal with it. Their moodiness and grumpiness baffles them too.

And it’s even worse if your teen is under a lot of stress and if it develops into anxiety -which it easily can do.

I think I just mentioned this recently, but just remember that your teen is without a doubt, under a ton of stress. School, friends, romantic relationships, social media, parents. It’s a lot and it’s all they know. You can’t say “well they don’t know stress until they’ve had a job and kids and a mortgage to pay” – that’s just wrong. Because teens haven’t ever done any of these things – they only know the stress they know, and they know it’s stressful. So do not compare stress – theirs is real.

And school is especially stressful. They have to be “on” all day long. Rushing from class to class, eating lunch at ungodly times, being called out for things they may or may not have done, trying to keep up, trying not to look stupid, not even being allowed to go to the bathroom when they need to. It’s crazy.

So, when they get home in the afternoons, they are DONE. It’s like they’ve been in this tight little ball all day long and they just can’t do it a minute longer. That’s when we get the snark and attitude.

Something else to remember, especially when you’re feeling unappreciated because of a snide comment or an especially unkind dig; teens have not fully developed their ability to empathize. I’ve seen this up close and personal many times. You think, how can they say that to me – what on earth are they thinking – surely, they’ll apologize – they can’t mean it. Well….maybe they do and maybe they don’t but either way, they’re not really concerned (much of the time) about how it sounded or how it made us feel.

This is why they sometimes come off as heartless, cold and mean. They can be empathetic, some of the time, or to their friends, or to the dog… just not always you.

 

Teens can also be impolite or rude when their autonomy is threatened. Did you just ask them a question that embarrassed them in front of a friend? Did you demand that they clean their room this minute? Did you tell them you wouldn’t let them cut their hair the way they wanted?

If you’re criticizing, correcting, scolding, reminders, teasing,…all of these things can provoke a snarky remark or a jerky comment because all of these things threaten their autonomy. You can listen to episode 15 for more on autonomy and individuation.

Think about your timing, the way you say something, how many times you’ve already said it. And remember that teens often interpret neutral comments, facial expressions, and tone as negative because of their over sensitive amygdala (the emotional center of the brain).

So, while you might think that reminder to clean out their backpack is not a big deal, that’s not how they see it. That joke about their new haircut – not funny.

 

Your teen might be snarky because they didn’t get enough sleep last night. They rarely get enough sleep. They should get at least 9.25 hours of sleep a night but their brain’s and school start times do not allow for that. The part of their brain that makes them sleepy puts it off by at least a couple of hours now. And when they don’t get sleep, their amygdala is much easier to activate than usual which means grumpiness squared. You can listen to episode 58 on sleep.

 

And ultimately, our teens are rude to us because they know it’s safe. They know we’re not going anywhere, they know we’ll love them anyway, even if we’re not going to tolerate their disrespectful behavior.

 

 

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So, what are we supposed to do when our kids smart off, talk back, or are just plain mean.

First of all, it’s a good idea if this is happening often, to have a conversation about it. Back in episode 16, we talked about how to approach problem behavior in a collaborative manner. How to state the problem, ask them what’s up and try to see how you can help resolve it.

Maybe they’re going through something with a friend. Maybe they feel really anxious. They may need to see a counselor or be evaluated, but you may never know unless you start the conversation.

This is a good time to address your families rules and values around how you treat each other and talk to each other. Ep 22 Let them know that the natural consequences of being snarky all the time is the potential for conflict, hurt feelings and disconnection and that you really don’t want that. Again, not talking about a lecture here – you’re trying to figure out if there’s something you can do to help and expressing clear boundaries around this sort of behavior. Make it short and sweet.

That’s great but what do you do in the moment when it’s happening? Well, I think that truly depends on the situation. Of course, as always, you have to stay calm. Do not let this send you and your teen down a dark hole. There’s no reason to raise your voice, there’s no reason to become especially upset – and if you do, you need to remove yourself from the situation for a few minutes if possible. If you treat their rudeness by yelling, shaming, calling their character into question, you’re modeling the exact behavior you don’t want to see in them. So be very careful.

If your teen is being rude but they’re generally doing what they’re supposed to be doing (let’s say they’re stomping around or rolling their eyes or generally huffing and puffing) you should really just ignore it.

Calling out slights like this will only throw fuel on a fire that hasn’t quite started yet. If you want a fight, that’s a great way to start one. And it can be really hard to ignore when it’s in front of other family or friends but resist the temptation to show these other people that “you don’t put up with that kind of behavior” because frankly, it’s none of their business and it won’t look any better if you make a scene.

You can also use humor. Do your nest to understand what’s going on, that it’s not really about you, don’t take it personally and instead, maybe you can find something that will turn the moment into something funny. For example, if they criticize you, jump in there with some self-deprecating comment that would make them laugh. We don’t have to take everything so seriously. Throwing a little humor on it can really diffuse an otherwise awkward moment.

And if you can’t do that and it was something truly hurtful – you can call it out by saying something like, “Wow, that hurt.” Or “Ouch”

If it’s just really curt or rude, use, “I’m going to let you try that again.” Or “take another stab at that”, “I know that’s not how you meant to say I – take a do-over” Anything like that will let them know straight away that what they said was not acceptable. Just be sure not to throw in your own sarcasm or attitude along with that – it will not help. So, don’t say, Oh hell nah – you want a try that again? Not going to help your cause here.

Don’t give a lecture, don’t say, “we’ve talked about this before, you can’t talk to me that way, I’m your parent.”

Don’t get defensive and argue with them about the mean or snarky thing they said. If they say, “You just don’t want me to have nice clothes. Why are you like this? I think you want to be a teenager again.” Do not engage. Do not take the bait. As a matter of fact, this might even be one of those comments you simply ignore.

Or you could say, “we’ll talk later” so you can calm down and think. You can always put things off so you can think first. Remember, it’s not an emergency.

If you overreact and give them consequences, you’ve ruined an opportunity to let them self-correct or to have a short conversation about it or tell them they’ve hurt you.

Bottom line - Remember that you cannot make them act a certain way – they have to learn how, and they have to want to learn how. If you make it about doing what you say or else – they will rebel against it.

Your relationship – your connection is where your strength is here. Keep your connection by not taking this and blowing it into something it isn’t.