This is the 4^th episode in my series on vaping. I’ll link to the others in the description. You don’t necessarily have to listened to those first – but you should definitely go back and listen soon.

Have you talked to your teen or tween about vaping yet? And today we’re just talking about nicotine. Do you know if they’ve ever tried it? Have you found one in their room before and already gone through the whole freak out, throwing it away or giving consequences?

What’s your goal? To keep them away from it in the first place or to get them off of them if they’ve already started, right? So, let’s talk how to best achieve those goals – stick around because this episode is going to help you, help your teen.

This is Speaking of Teens, the podcast that helps parents who are struggling to find peace and connection with their teens. My name is Ann Coleman; I’m an attorney turned parent educator and a mom who’s been there – and I want to help you build a stronger relationship and decrease the conflict with your kid so you can help them grow into the young adult they’re meant to be.

So, even if you haven’t listened to the other episodes about vaping, you have to know it’s an absolute epidemic - and because of the risks, it’s not something any of us want our kids doing. But we also know that teens are masters at taking risks and at doing things we don’t think they’d ever do.

Before getting into the specifics, let’s talk about the basics of any conversation you’ll have with your kid abut vaping.

First, you need to make sure your kid is even open to a conversation. So if your relationship isn’t going to well right now, take some time to dive into the additional episodes I’ll post in the show notes and work on your connection a bit. If you’re in the middle of a punishment and rebellion spiral, trying to discuss vaping is probably not going to go too well.

Second, remember this vaping conversation isn’t a lecture (more than a few sentences and they’ll tune you out.) As with every other conversation you have with your teen about something important, you want to find the right times to interject a question to start a mini conversation.

You’re going to shut it down before you start if you say something like, “let’s talk about vaping…” or “I need to talk to you about something.” Remember, side by side conversations are best so look for moments in the car, watching TV, washing dishes, talking a walk or any kind of side-by-side activity. Just pay attention and know the right time to get in there and talk.

And look for prompts like vape advertising or driving by a vape shop or seeing a teen out vaping somewhere in the wild. If that doesn’t happen, you can, in the right situation just bring up the subject with a statement or a question of some type:

If they’re younger maybe 9 to 11, you might be able to just come out and ask them if they’ve heard of vaping and take it from there. Or a little older middle schooler may have already seen people doing or at least heard of it, so you could say something about having seen an article or heard a podcast about the incredible numbers of kids doing it, and ask if they think many people at their school have tried it.

If they’re in high school, there’s no doubt they know people who vape and could be secretly vaping themselves. So, you could say something like, “have you guys had any assemblies or educational classes about vaping?”

Or “I’m a little concerned about how many teens these days are vaping, how do you feel about it?” And you could hopefully segue into whether or not they’ve tried it, or do it, letting them know that you absolutely are not going to freak out or punish them or judge…but that you’re asking in case they need help to quit. Make sure they have no doubt that they can trust you here. And again, this may be where you have to work on your connection and righting the ship before you can even discuss the topic.

Also, you don’t have to be the only one having this conversation with them – you can ask others close to your teen to chime in when they can. Ask other teens or young adults whom you’re positive don’t vape, ask their pediatrician, their counselor or any other adult they trust.

Third, be emotionally prepared in case your teen does admit that they vape or have tried it. If you do freak out, lecture, scold, judge, say you’re disappointed, criticize, or punish them, you’ve likely blown the only chance you had at talking them into quitting and helping them do so.

So, if an admission still catches you off guard, you can always take a break, count, take deep breaths, do whatever you need to do in that moment to calm yourself. Remember that is an opportunity to connect and an opportunity to have some influence in their life. They’ve taken the enormous step of trusting you with this information. Don’t mess it up.

Practically speaking, if you decide to take their vape away from them in that moment (or a moment when you’ve just run across it), if they actually have an addiction, they will just find another way to vape and will do better at keeping it from you.

With so many kids doing it now, they can literally find it anywhere. They will not likely be able to quit cold turkey like that and you’re going to produce some major anxiety and build disconnection in your relationship.

Even if they’ve only just begun or just tried it and don’t have a problem with it yet, you’re going to make them so angry by taking it away in that moment that they’re not going to listen to a word you say.

Have the conversation first and hopefully they will tell you if it is or it’s already a problem. If it isn’t yet, maybe they will voluntarily give it up at the end of the conversation.

But if it is already a problem, you need to get them on board to quit first and then help them with that plan. They’re going to have to hang on to that vape in the meantime.

Please just remember, if you start out antagonistically, you can forget any cooperation from them. And no amount of punishment is going to help – it will only make everything much worse!

So, no matter what you discover, you need to be ready to listen to them, acknowledge their feelings and move forward as partners. I’ll link the emotion coaching podcasts as a reminder.

Fourth, don’t ask questions about friends or bring their friends into the conversation. That’s a quick way to shut it all down. Don’t ask if their friends or a specific friend vapes, don’t blame their friends if your kid admits to vaping, and certainly don’t bring up this topic in front of or to their friends or other parents. This is about your kid and your kid only.

What’s the best emotional approach to take with this conversation?

There’s been a lot of research about the best types of prevention programs for adolescents. And what scientists have discovered over the years is that education alone doesn’t work. Teaching a teen the risks of unprotected sex, drugs, alcohol, vaping, driving fast – it will not keep them from doing those things. They can recite every word of those programs by heart – you could give them a test or ask them any question about what they should or shouldn’t do and why - and they can tell you. They’ll get every answer right the same as an adult would.

But put them with another teen or several other teens and in the heat of the moment, being in the presence of their peers, they will do the exact opposite on a fairly consistent basis. Why is that? There are a couple of reasons, and it all comes down to brain wiring, age, and experience.

If you’re an OG listener, you’ve heard me say many times that the adolescent brain’s reward system is revved up and in hyper-drive. And it’s the reward system that makes us want to experience pleasurable things and motivates us to do those things again and again once we’ve gotten a taste of it. So, we could be talking about alcohol, or we could be talking about making a field goal – or we could be talking about being accepted by peers if you’re an adolescent.

An adolescent’s reward system is activated by being liked by peers, in much the same way it is activated by drugs, alcohol or positive things like sports or applause.

So that’s one reason risky behavior happens but why do they just ignore the facts? Do they think they’re invincible? No – they do not think they’re invincible – not at all – that is a complete and total myth, proven wrong by science.

But they do think differently than an adult.  There are two different ways that one can decide about whether to take a risk. One way is to consider the facts and the details of a situation and basically do a risk analysis – weigh the odds of something bad happening against all the fun it could be to do it.

The other way to make a decision about something risky is to sort of get a general overall feeling or intuition based on past experiences. You get the gist of the situation instead of the details and consider it a good idea or a bad idea.

Guess which method the adolescent brain uses? The adolescent brain looks and the details and weighs the odds and they always go with the odds of having a great time and nothing bad happening. Again, a lot of that is going to be attributed to the reward system’s strong pull but it can also be said that they don’t have the cognitive power provided by a fully mature prefrontal cortex or the life experience to make a gist-based decision.

Adults tend to make the more intuitive decisions. We have a fully formed prefrontal cortex to help and we’ve had a multitude of life experiences where things did go wrong to see why having a party at the edge of the river in the middle of nowhere with lots of alcohol is a bad idea. They say, “what are the odds that someone’s actually going to drown out here or have a wreck getting home?” “Screw it – this is going to be epic!!!!”

So how do we teach young people to do less weighing the odds thinking and more gist or intuitive thinking? How do we not only teach them to actually see and understand the risks and also to avoid the risk.

One strategy that has been shown to help is teaching teens emotional intelligence skills – like emotional awareness and emotional regulation – which is what you teach when you emotion coach. If you’re not familiar, I’ll link those episodes in the show notes. Learning assertiveness skills and resistance skills that we’ll talk about in a minute.

Something else they’ve learned when researching prevention programs is that adolescents are very sensitive to “social status and respect”. You know this if you’ve listened to many of the podcasts. And if you tap into this in talking to them about avoiding risky behaviors, they might really get it. When teens are treated as competent, autonomous and “of potential value to the group” they are more likely to take things to heart but if they are lectured to, talked down to and not listened to, they will do the exact opposite. In other words, make them feel smarter, cooler, more autonomous for not doing something.

For example, in one experiment the researchers were trying to see if they could get 8^th graders to eat healthier food. They began with the premise that 8^th graders probably thought eating healthy was lame and that those kids were probably big nerdy rule followers who do everything their parents say.

They wanted to redefine what the kids would think about eating healthy so that it would appeal to their need for respect and social status. So they decided to instill the idea that being a healthy eater meant you were “independent-minded people who would make the world a better place.”

They used sort of a journalistic – documentary or expose style reporting to tell these 13-year-olds about how junk food companies literally pay scientists to come up with foods that will addict kids’ brains, how they hired marketing executives who used to work for big tobacco companies to use kid-appealing cartoonish marketing materials to get them hooked and how these same executives will not eat this junk food nor let their kids eat it (hypocrites!)

That sounds pretty disrespectful to these young adolescents don’t you think? So as a 13-year-old and you’re requesting your parents buy this junk food, you’re giving money to these people who are tricking you, and just totally using you to make a buck. So, skipping the junk food and eating healthy food is showing “the man” that you’re smarter than that, you’re the kid who will stand up to these big company assholes – these adults who’re trying to pull one over on you – you join a social movement by saying no to junk food. In this respect we’re not telling them what to think or what to do, we’re respecting that they have a brain themselves and can decide for themselves based on information they’ve received. The researchers did this on one day and then the next day the principal of the school announced that they were giving out snack packs as a reward for some state testing and the kids got to choose from a healthy or unhealthy option and just with that one small intervention the sugar content of the selections the 8^th graders made was reduced by 9% compared to those 8^th graders who didn’t hear the presentation.

 

A similar public campaign happened back in the early 2000s with cigarettes and I’m frankly not sure why something like this hasn’t been launched for vaping. Back then thetruth.com launched this TV ad campaign that features teenagers yelling through megaphones from the street up to old crotchety big tobacco executives in Manhattan sky scrapers saying, “take a day off” from tricking and harming children for the sake of profit. Instant status and respect if you go against big tobacco. In a study to see if it worked, the teens who saw the add agreed that “not smoking is a way to express independence.” It was estimated that the campaign saved 450,000 adolescents from taking up smoking.

So, if you can get the whole story explained to your kids about how these companies (Chinese companies at this point) who aren’t even selling them in their own country and are illegally selling them in this country to hook them and get them addicted with these candy colored, fruity desert vapes…because this was the pattern established by Big Tobacco with their flavored and menthol cigarettes decades ago – kids like flavors and once hooked, they have a lifelong customer to line their pockets no matter if kids lose their health or their life in the process.

So, this means you need to know your vaping facts.

Go back to those other episodes and make a few notes – they’ll be linked in the description. I can tell you that your teen has received conflicting information and they may have questions or they may want to argue. Remember, this isn’t a debate. If you tell them something they say they don’t believe, invite them to do their own research – have some of these resources I’m going to give you, at the ready. Know how to explain to them about how it impacts their brain, how it preps their brain for other addictions, how it can cause severe illness, even mental health disorders. Be able to talk about how vaping is not “safer” than cigarettes (it just doesn’t have all the same chemicals put out by cigarettes.)

And if your kid happens to think there’s no nicotine or that they’re inhaling flavored water vapor, you know how to set them straight on those issues. Again, I’ll have all sorts of additional resources for you in the show notes.

And remember to preface any of these facts with something like, “I’m not telling you this to scare you, I just feel you need to know the facts so you’re making an informed decision. Your health is precious to me.”

Now, what if you or their other parent is a smoker?

You may feel like you’re being hypocritical to tell your kid not to do what you do. But you can certainly use yourself as an example of how very addictive this substance is since you’ve not been able to stop despite the deadly health risks involved. Let them know if you had to do it all over again that you’d never try it to begin with.

And if you used to smoke, you can let them know that you’ve quit because of the health risks associated with continued use. And let them know how very hard it was to quit and that you don’t want that for them. And if they’re already vaping you might want to skip how hard it is to quit – let them decide to quit first then you can cross that bridge with them.

Now, how do you help your teen who wants to avoid starting vaping (and actually teens trying to quit will need these skills as well)?

You teach them refusal skills. And having these skills are critical to them feeling confident and being able to think on their feet in the moment. You can even practice these skills with them if they’re willing – at least suggest to them that they practice with you when you ask them some if they’d like some sprouts or whatever they don’t like.

I’m guessing you’ve probably had to refuse at least a thing or two in your lifetime. So you may even be able to come up with more ideas.

Be sure to acknowledge to you teen or tween how very, very hard it can be to feel like the odd person out or the uncool person – let them know you’ve even experienced it as an adult. And of course, you don’t have to give them all of these or maybe not all at once. Or you could just pick the ones you think they might actually do. So, here are several different ways they can avoid vaping (and even other things) – practicing all the different ways at some time or another will help them be ready for anything:

• If they’re very confident and sure of themselves, they may be able to just say, “I’m good” or even “Ewww, no.” would be great because that would give others the idea they could do the same.
• Speaking of that, they can recruit a friend to make a pact that they will avoid vaping all the way through school and they can stick together to help each other stay strong.
• You can come up with a code they can text to you, where you call them immediately and pretend that you have to go get them right that minute.
• Or, tell them to look down at their phone and act like you texted them that they need to come home right away.
• They could also look down at their phone and find the first funny video to show everyone to change the subject and just act like they didn’t hear it.
• They could make any sort of joke, or say anything to simply redirect the attention.
• They can say they have a respiratory problem, and that vaping will make it worse. A little white lie to save face and avoid vaping is okay.
• They can say no and give a reason – “I’m not going to support China” or “My uncle had lung disease and I know what that crap does to people”
• They can throw you under the bus and say, “my parents will absolutely kill me and take my phone forever if they catch me” – “my mother has a nose like a bloodhound”
• They can say “No, I kind of like breathing air instead”
• They can suggest another activity – because things like this often happen out of boredom.
• They can simply ignore they were asked or that everyone else is doing it.

If they are vaping, how to help them quit

Now, those same refusal skills will also come in very handy if you have a teen who wants to quit – while they’re trying it’s going to be really, really hard when they are around other people who vape. So these skills will not only be crucial but being careful about who they are around those first 3 or 4 weeks will also be critical and something they’re going to have to really think about.

The thing to remember is that if they are willing to try and quit, they’re going to need your support and not punishment. If they’re addicted – this is a serious, serious issue that is not going to be easy for them. They may have to try several times to stop and punishing them is not going to help, it’s only going to pile more shame on top of what they likely already feel if they give in to temptation. It’s also only going to make them angry with you and likely determined not to quit.

Just remember your goal here is to help them get off nicotine, and you’ll never do that if they are angry with you for punishing them or throwing them away. Staying positive and supportive is the one and only way to reach your goal.

Remember that they are going to be even moodier and easier to anger and more irritable than usual for several weeks at least.

Find out what triggers them to want to vape and see if you can help them somehow.

The American Academy of Pediatrics has put out a statement regarding nicotine replacement therapy for adolescents – especially those under 18 (remember they’re adolescents until at least their mid-20’s because their brain is still growing). Although the FDA has not approved nicotine replacement therapy (or NRT) for adolescents, the AAP says pediatricians should consider it – especially given the harm nicotine dependance causes and the effectiveness of NRT in adults.

They recommend a combination of a long-acting form of NRT like the patch with a shorter-acting form like gum, spray, inhaler or lozenge.

They also recommend this treatment paired with behavioral counseling interventions. Now, there are free resources that may work as well and I’ll tell you about those in a second. But if there’s someone locally who can meet weekly in person to help your kid quit and you can afford it and they are willing to go, I would throw that in as well.

Again, I’ll give you the link to this statement if you want to have it on your phone to show your pediatrician if they are not familiar and you should read it as well.

Now other than counseling there are some great free programs out there.

The Truth Initiative has a wonderful free program called This is Quitting. They’ve helped over 700,000 young people quit vaping. It’s totally anonymous and teens and young adults can join by texting DITCHVAPE (all one word) to 88709. And Of course, I’ll have all this information in the show notes.

Their program incorporates messages from other young people who have attempted to, or successfully quit vaping. Their messages help young people feel motivated, inspired and supported while going through the process of quitting.

Now, this is cool too – parents can also sign up to receive text messages as the parent of a teen trying to quit. Agan I’ll have the information in the show notes. (text Quit to 847-278-9715.)

There are several other good programs out there that I will have linked as well. One is from teen.smokefree.gov.

Theres a tool from the National Cancer Institute’s SmokeFree.gov and they can put in their phone number and receive daily text messages for 6 to 8 weeks to help them stop vaping.

There’s also a free phone app called QuitSTART, which takes their smoking history and gives them tips tailored to them, along with inspiration, and challenges. It sounds like it gamifies the who experience – you earn badges for milestones, helps them manage cravings, can share on social media…

And there are some really good tips provided by the CDC for quitting as well – adults and teens. I’ll link to those tips as well.

So, just to recap – please remember that any conversation you have with your teen about this is just like any other important topic:

Keep it short

Keep it side by side

Look for a prompt to start the conversation or ask a simple question

No freak outs if they are vaping

No throwing away their vape – it will do no good if they’re addicted, and will only make things worse

Keep friends out of it

Know your facts and use their need for status and respect to talk about how they are being taken advantage of

Teach them those resistance skills and encourage them to practice them on you or in other situations

And if they need your help quitting, remember they are going to be even less fun to live with for at least a few weeks – maybe longer if they relapse – but do your level best to show only support, don’t punish them or shame them for mess-ups and help them stay strong by offering to take them to the doctor, get a counselor if you can or use one of the free tools I’ll link to.

Alright, I hope you found that helpful. Again, everything I discussed will be in the show notes – which you’ll find a link for right there in the show description where you’re listening.

So, that’s it for Speaking of Teens today. Please do share this episode with everyone you know because it’s more likely than not that they can benefit from it. And thank you so much for being here with me again today. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it. I hope you’ll be back for Friday’s episode. Come join us if you’d like to talk more about this issue or any other in the Facebook group – the link is at the very bottom of the show description in your app.

Alright, until next time, remember, a little change goes a long way.