Today’s episode is the third in a series on connection. For the 1^st and 2^nd, go back and listen to episodes 104 and 106.

You know how your teenager gets home from school and just won’t shut up about what they did all day?

Isn’t that just SO annoying?

Well, yes, of course I’m teasing and if you have a teenager, you totally get it. Just getting a full sentence out of them can feel like a major victory.

So, the question for most parents is, how do you maintain connection with a kid who will not talk to you and acts like they want nothing to do with you?

Well, stick around - because today I want to talk to you about the push and pull that is the connection between you and your teen. We’re talking about autonomy  support and how to do it.

This is Speaking of Teens, the podcast that helps parents who are struggling to find peace and connection with their teens. My name is Ann Coleman; I’m an attorney turned parent educator and a mom who has been there - and I’m on a mission to help you build a stronger relationship and decrease the conflict with your kid so you can help them grow into the young adult they’re meant to be.

So far in this series:

I’ve explained that it’s imperative to have a strong emotional connection with your teenager because it’s the only way you’re going to get buy in from them; if you want them to want to align themselves with your values and do what you would have them do, connection in imperative.

I talked about making the positivity of your everyday interactions outweigh the negative and I’ve discussed the best way to do that is to show your interest in what they’re interested in.

And today I want to talk to you about how supporting your teen’s autonomy, learning how to back up and take your place beside them on this little trip through adolescence, will help you maintain that connection.

First, understand this: Your teens (and I mean from age 10 to 25) - they actually have a deep need to feel connected to you – they’re just never going to be able to say that to you. It’s your job to understand this and to be relentless in your effort to maintain that connection. Because as we’ve said, all of your influence with them depends on your connection to them. You’re not allowed to give up the fight.

A lot of parents take the in-your-face rejections really personally (and it’s hard not to): the one-word answers you get about school or friends or a job; the hours on end closed off in the bedroom; the earbuds in the car, the silent stare at the dinner table. It can feel like they just don’t like us one bit (and as a matter of fact – they sometimes even say as much.)

But in fact, that’s not the case. They’ll never be able to admit it you or maybe not even to themselves, but they have a deep need to be connected to us. And it’s totally possible to be connected to them, you just have to understand the dynamics of this relationship and the sort of work it takes to maintain it.

So what about the dynamics of the relationship with your teen changes when they hit puberty?

Well, for one thing, they no longer feel like a kid. They feel like an adult – just like you. Their brain has started the process of individuation and it’s pretty much how it sounds – they’re looking to be their own individual, separate and apart from you, as different from you as they can be many times.

They’re trying to figure out where they fit in this new world that’s opened up to them because of their maturing body and mind. They may go from one style of clothing to another or the way they speak may change from time to time as they try to get a feel for who they really are – who they want to be.

Their thinking skills have improved too, they begin to see things going on in the world as having an impact on them directly – they’re more aware of social and political issues, more aware of what goes on among their friends and in the neighborhood, and they can see themselves more objectively as well.

At the same time, their brain is telling them that the most important thing in the world right now is to fit in, be liked, be part of a group – it trumps everything else times 100. And this isn’t something you can fix by telling them “it’s better to be your own unique person”, or “who cares what they think” – I wish it could be that easy.

This is a phenomena that is left over in our brain from long ago – when it was evolutionarily necessary to fit in and be a part of the tribe or the pack so you would have food and shelter and a mate. It’s deeply engrained in the way our brain is wired so telling them they’re silly for wanting a Stanley cup like every other middle school girl has, is simply not helpful – as a matter of fact, something like not having the thing that everyone else has, can feel like death. Their brain is saying, if you look different, if you don’t have that bone in your nose, you’re going to be left behind to starve to death. It’s that imperative. So, please try to understand that.

But at the same time that they think a 40-ounce metal cup is the number one thing on the planet, they also feel as adult as you (actually, they feel like a smarter, cooler, more informed version of you.) They feel like they understand the world fully and they don’t get why you don’t see that in them.

And this is huge reason why there’s so much conflict and disconnection between you.

They see themselves one way – as fully autonomous humans with the ability to govern themselves and make their own decisions…and you see them another way – as your kid who still needs to do what you say and doesn’t have the ability to make their own decisions. It’s a battle for control – a power struggle.

And adding even more fuel to the fire, they’re not yet that great at articulating the way they feel about something and because the emotional center of their brain is super sensitive, if they sense you’re just not getting it or are insensitive to what they’re trying to communicate to you, they will completely lose it. They’ll get frustrated, angry, furious and they’ll start spewing really inarticulate stuff that sounds a lot like “disrespect” to you and me.

But you know what it is? It’s just emotional static – it’s white noise – it means nothing and it should be ignored (at least in that moment.) Because in that moment, you are not listening to what they’re telling you. You have to listen harder, get curious, what’s behind their emotional fallout here?

And yep, I know it’s hard, I had a member of the Facebook group the other day tell me this is just a hard No for her – she’s going to jump in and stop it in the moment.

And this is where I say, you have to put things in perspective here.

1. Why is it so necessary to stop your teenager while they’re emotionally dysregulated to make them even more dysregulated by correcting their behavior – scolding them? Do you think they’re going to hear a word you say? You can’t reason with a teenager who is undone emotionally – their emotional brain is in charge – their rational brain has left the building. Forget about it. Listen to the episodes on emotion coaching – I’ll put them in the show notes.
2. The connection with your teenager is paramount – that’s why I’m making it a series. Your connection is more important than the off-color word they just used, or their attitude or their tone – because again, that’s just emotional blather because they cannot articulate their feelings when their emotions have taken over. If you interrupt to scold them, you’re simply escalating their emotions, they will continue, they will not hear you, you will get angry, and the fight ensues. And even if you manage to shut things down – you’ve shut them down – you haven’t listened to them. And listening is a huge piece of the connection puzzle.

Listen to those other episodes about emotion coaching so you can learn how to coach them through these moments without making them worse. Emotion coaching is also going to help you cut through the noise and focus on the connection.

And again, part of this connection is helping them feel like the autonomous human they want to be. They need this support from you. They need to feel a lot less like a kid and much more like an adult.

They deserve to feel this – they aren’t a kid anymore. So there’s a lot of wiggle room here between kid and adult and you have to work with them to figure out where the sweet spot is on a daily basis, issue by issue. They’re pulling, you’re pushing – no one said it was easy.

But if you look at it from a different point of view it might help. You need to see your parenting them through this part of their life as a joint venture – the two of you working collaboratively to get them to adulthood. You’re going to help them learn the emotional skills, the life skills and the cognitive skills they need so they‘ll eventually be able to leave your safety net to be on their own.

Until then you’re in the passenger’s seat helping them learn how to slow down at the caution light, how to make a U-turn and how to look both ways. You’re no longer the driver – you have GOT to scoot your ass over and let them have the wheel! Period. End of story.

So, metaphors aside – what does that mean?

It means (as I say all the time) that the “telling” them what to do, is over red rover. No more telling them what to do. You have to work with them to make sure they’re having their say, that they feel heard and seen and respected.

It means inviting their input on everything from dinner to curfew to the new car you’re buying. It means listening to that input – listening in general, more than you talk.

Holding your tongue when you want to be sarcastic or question their clothing choices or giving advice.

It means no punishing, no lecturing or yelling or telling them how disappointed you are in them.

It means brainstorming and negotiating the rules and the consequences – no more making all the rules and setting them without getting their input first. (I’ll refer to you to episode 22 for how to discipline without punishing)

So let me boil this down even further. What teens really want is to be treated as a you would want to be treated (that doesn’t mean they want all the privileges you have) it means they want to be spoken to with the same tone and language you would use while talking to another adult. If you wouldn’t say a certain thing or say something in a certain tone to a co-worker or friend, spouse, or your own parent, then don’t with your teenager.

For example: Would you tell your co-worker, “put that phone down, you’ve had your nose in it all day.” I hope not – unless you want to win a spot in the asshole of the month club. But you might say, “hey, do you mind putting your phone away for the meeting – I can’t tell if you’re actually listening to me.” – I’ve said that at least a few times.

This is about respect yes (and I realize I just told you to basically ignore it if they are “disrespectful” to you) but you know what the difference is here? You have a fully grown brain with a fully grown prefrontal cortex and 100% capacity to manage your words if you decide to. They do not.

So, this is about respecting them as a young person, as someone who is growing and learning and needs this acknowledged by you. They need you to see how different they are from how they were as a little kid. They want you see that they can handle more, do more, understand more and be responsible for more. So, give them more responsibility, back off and let them handle things, treat them like they understand, like they are capable – let them try it.

Remember that one of the main reasons you want to keep your connection with you teenager is so they’ll trust you when their safety depends on it.

I gave an example in episode 104 about your daughter going away with a group of teens out of town for a concert without your knowledge. She ends up drunk and separated from the friends she went with and decides it’s safer to get a ride home from some boys she just met than to call you because you’ve told her “If I find out you’ve been drinking again or using drugs, you’ll no longer have a phone and forget about going anywhere for months.”

So, rather than calling you or dad or another adult and risk you finding out, she takes the less risky route, in her mind, of riding home with total strangers, drunk.

That is not where you want your teenager’s mind. You want your kids to know that mom and dad always have their back if they’re in trouble. You want them to feel in their soul that they can always call you because they know they can trust you to understand they made a mistake and need your help to stay safe and that their safety matters to you above all else.

You want them to know that there may be a calm rational discussion about the rule or some consequences later - but that it’s not going to be in anger or when you’re driving them home or anytime in the moment. And there may not even need to be any consequences at all if something happened that made a big impression on them. If they were scared and called you or asked you for help – that generally indicates it was something pretty serious. In that case, you may not even need consequences. Again, have a listen to episode 22

You want them to know that you will always listen to what they have to say, you will always discuss and brainstorm and ponder with them and will never take it upon yourself to mindlessly punish them because they made a mistake.

Because guess what – whether they did it on purpose with premeditation or it was a spur of the moment thing, it is a mistake. When a person with an unfinished brain does something they shouldn’t have – it’s a mistake.

They don’t have the full capacity to make a good decisions or use self-control. We’re teaching them how to do that now, but they will not be able to be so great at it for many more years – until at least their mid 20s.

Now they’ll start getting better at it at around 18 or 19 but you’re not there yet. You have GOT to cut them some slack and empathize with them, so that instead of getting angry you work on helping them learn how to navigate the issues they need to.

You talk to them about how to refuse drugs or refuse making a naked picture or refuse bullying someone else or refuse to vape or whatever it is. Have lots of little talks any time you can about whatever comes up. No lectures, nothing more than a few sentences or they’ll tune you out.

But, again, the point is to teach, not punish. Punishment doesn’t teach anything, but fear - and fear is a short-term solution. They may cooperate for a minute while you’re punishing them, but then that’s the end and it’s right back to what they were doing unless you work on that connection. Learn to have a little empathy, a lot of respect, treat them like you’d want to be treated, don’t freak out on them.

During adolescence, you either support their autonomy or get ready for the arguments and power struggles and rebellion and lying and all that fun stuff.

I’m telling you right now – believe me or not but it’s truth – punishment, lecturing, yelling, sarcasm…does not work to make your teen behave the way you want them to.

The more you do these things, the less cooperation you’re going to get.

If you are a desperate parent and you’ve punished your teen until they have nothing left, it’s time to concentrate on connection. Back away from all the consequencing and scolding and reminders and questions and simply try to reconnect with your teen. Build their trust in YOU. (What? I’m the one that doesn’t trust them) I know you don’t but look where that’s gotten you.

Of course, you have to keep them safe, but tell them you want to make a change. Tell them you want to do better and you want to have a connection again, that you’re trying to learn how to parent a teenager and that you’re going to do your best to listen and understand more. Then do it.

I feel like I should be calling you down to the front of the Church now…I’m sorry I get a little preachy but I just want to get through to anyone who’s still drinking the Kool-Aid of tough love. I want you to have a relationship with your kids and I want them to want to do well for themselves and for you. It can be done. Come join me.

That’s it for Speaking of Teens today, brothers and sisters. I’m so happy you were hear and I hope you come back on Tuesday for another episode.

Don’t forget to check out our Facebook Group at the very bottom of the episode description in your app.

And until next time, remember, a little change goes a long way.