Today’s episode is the second in a series on connection. For the first episode go back and listen to episode 104.

Let me ask you this: when you were a teenager and you were worried about something or something happened to you or you found yourself in a bad spot and didn’t know how to get out, who did you go to – who did you trust enough to ask for help or advice?

Was it a parent? Another relative or trusted adult? Or was it a friend your age?

Really think about this a minute. Who felt safe to you? Who wouldn’t judge you? Who supported you and made you feel like everything was going to be okay?

If you said it was your parent – good for you – you had a wonderful relationship and you’re likely carrying on that tradition.

But for many teenagers, going to a parent for this kind of support, is an absolute last resort. And for us, this issue may not be top of mind when we think about parenting our teens and tweens.

We can get so caught up in grades and school work and making sure their room is clean and the wet towel is hung on the rod, and that they use the right “tone” with us, that we lose sight of the most significant elements of parenting a kid who will soon be a young adult – our connection with them – the relationship we dreamed of having with them when they were babies.

So I’m going to talk more about connection today: how to make sure you balance the negative and the positive interactions with your teen to make sure you maintain your connection with them.

This is Speaking of Teens, the podcast that helps parents who are struggling to find peace and connection with their teens. My name is Ann Coleman; I’m an attorney turned parent educator and a mom who has been there - and I’m on a mission to help you build a stronger relationship and decrease the conflict with your kid so you can help them grow into the young adult they’re meant to be.

Remember, I said in the episode from last Friday, that your connection is the ingredient that keeps your teens safe and healthy – it’s the glue that holds your relationship together. It’s what insures that you stay an integral part of their lives, that they allow you to know the things that you need to know. It’s what makes sure they want to do the things and behave in such a way that will be true to their values.

Connection keeps your voice in their head – when they’re faced with a decision, they’ll be able to think, what would I want my parents to know, what would they feel I should do here?

 

Last week we talked about one way to stay connected or attempt connection if you feel you’ve lost it – showing interest in what they’re interested in. We’re not talking about trying to get them to take up a hobby you enjoy – sorry, trying to force a kid who’s into building computers from scratch to play tennis with you, if probably going to backfire bigtime – we’re talking about being interested in their hobbies and obsessions.

And listen, I know rap music might not be your thing or the idea of sitting down playing a video game makes you cringe…but how much effort are you willing to put into the best way to keep your kid physically safer and mentally healthier? At least you’re past Barbies and jumping on the trampoline.

I just can’t stress to you enough, the importance of showing a major interest in anything and everything that your kid is into. I’m not just recommending it – I’m telling you, it’s mandatory. You must stop what you’re doing and go watch them play Minecraft or Fortnite – ask them to show you how, learn about it, read about it, ask them questions, make comments, you’ll be amazed at how they will light up. That little spark is all it takes to open their mind to the possibility that you may just be cool enough to share really critical information with if necessary. Find that spark.

And I hope this goes without saying, but I’ll say it anyway – do not criticize or show your disdain for their interests – even if you cannot force yourself to feign interest in contouring makeup, do not make comments like “how can it possibly look good to layer that much makeup on your face?” These little comments we make in passing, that just pop out of our mouths as we think them, can do as much damage to your connection as punishing or directly criticizing them.

When you make light of or poo poo their interests, hobbies or anything they like, you are directly criticizing them. You might as well say, you’re such a loser for liking Niki Minaj music or you’re an idiot for wanting to watch someone else watch video games for hours on end. Rolling your eyes, asking them to turn the music down, is criticism in their brain. Their brain interprets things extremely negatively.

Studies have shown that the adolescent brain reacts with increased brain activity in the amygdala, the emotional center of the brain, and has decreased activity in the prefrontal cortex (for self-control) when the mother criticizes them (don’t ask me why they never do these studies with fathers) Just know that those little slights and digs about what they enjoy – they can garner a big negative emotional reaction from your kid too.

You know the old saying, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em? That’s what we’re talking about here. And I’ll add, if you just cannot bring yourself to join ‘em, don’t criticize ‘em.

If you’ve already been doing this, there’s a way to go back and make it up. The next time they’re playing a game, or listening to music, say, “You know, I think I judged this game too soon – that actually looks like a lot of fun – can you tell me about it as you play?” Or the next time a song comes on the radio or their phone that you’d normally ask them to skip, ask them to turn it up and say, “you know, that’s actually growing on me.”

Now, along these same lines – remembering that the adolescent brain has more of a glass half empty than glass half full outlook and is super sensitive to what it sees as criticism – you have to pay attention to nurture your connection and not allow disconnection to take over.

And I don’t want you to consider this walking on eggshells because once you know how to do this, and you pay attention to the things that trigger your child, you’re no longer in the dark and wondering if something you’re going to say or do is going to send them into orbit – you’ll know what things to steer clear of.

Maybe you’ve heard my conversations with Dr. Adam Price in episode 93 or Keri Cooper in episode 91? In both of those episodes we talked a bit about stepping back and keeping the reminders to a minimum and letting natural consequences do their job.

And there’s several reasons for this advice: 1) they can’t develop their own inner motivation if they’re receiving constant external motivation/instructions from you, 2) again their amygdala often misinterprets your reminders as negative (as criticism, nagging, berating, scolding) and sends them into fight or flight mode – making them angry or nervous (arguments and sass). As a matter of fact, research has shown that in response to maternal criticism, limbic region of the brain (that which encompasses the amygdala) shows increased activity but in areas of the prefrontal cortex, which would normally calm the amygdala down it shows decreased activity.

And 3) if you’re telling them what to do – demanding something of them, it certainly engages the amygdala because it’s even more of a direct threat than a criticism, because it’s a threat to their autonomy, their ability to make their own decisions and being in control, which is hugely important to an adolescent.

So, these direct or perceived threats will all likely illicit a negative response (a fight or flight response) from your teen – they may yell, argue, have an attitude, say something you consider disrespectful, or worse. This is an automatic brain reaction – not purposeful conduct, okay? They don’t do this on purpose. You know how you duck when someone acts like they’re going to throw something at you – that’s you’re amygdala protecting you from a perceived threat. It’s automatic – you could know more NOT have ducked than you could stop yourself from sneezing. This is not willful conduct. This is a reaction to your behavior.

Other research worth mentioning discusses the changes that occur in the mother-child relationship during adolescence. The article reviewed theories and evidence regarding emotional variability during conflicts. The research shows that it’s not so much the number of conflicts we have with your teens that determines the quality of your relationship, as much as it’s the speed with and the extent to which you’re both able to bounce back from a negative or unpleasant interaction to a more positive and supportive one.

So, for example, if you can be really irritated with each other one minute, express those negative emotions and opinions freely – listen to each other fully, validate and empathize with each other, and then quickly get over it and move on to be able to laugh about it, kid each other or discuss more positive things - this flexibility is a huge positive for connecting with your teenager.

 

And let me remind you of this too – every time your teen’s amygdala is engaged and sends them into fight or flight response (there’s a blow-up, an argument) that amygdala gets a little more sensitive or more reactive, meaning it will take less for it to activate the next time you say something.

For example, on the first day full day of school you asked your teen what they had for homework – and they let you have it. “It’s the freakin’ first day of school – I don’t know – it’s written down somewhere, don’t worry about it”

And you tell them not to talk to you that way and they slam the door as they get out of the car. Day 2, no lesson learned, you ask again, “How was school and what ya’ got for homework.” Another blow up but this time a few more choice words, you raise your voice, demand an apology - and more slammed doors. Day 3 – now you’re just out to prove a point – you ask again and this time it’s all out war. Day 4 – you decide to take a different approach. You wait until you get home, and you ask, “do you need any help with homework today – I’m here.” And although you say it in the nicest way you know how, your kid hears “how much homework do you have, don’t tell me you don’t have any, and when are you going to start it?” And yet another massive blow up.

Over time, all of this amygdala activation this can lead to an anxiety disorder. We must be sensitive to this with our teens and tweens and find a way to work with their sensitive amygdala.

And if your teen already has an anxiety disorder, or is already stressed out and primed for one, every time their amygdala is engaged in this way, it’s only making the issue worse.

Remember, they do not have the same control over this reaction as you do. Their prefrontal cortex is supposed to jump in to help them see things more clearly and rationally and help them calm down but it’s still programming, which means it’s weak right now, and they have a very difficult time controlling their emotional reactions without your help (which is why emotion coaching is so important – I’ll have links in the show notes for those episodes)

So, this perceived criticism – these perceived threats – they can act to build a wall between you and your teen. But it’s not just nagging, criticism, arguments, it’s invalidating their emotions, correcting their “tone” in the middle of a discussion, cutting them off mid-sentence to tell them “no,” rolling your eyes, making a sarcastic comment, phubbing them, ignoring, dismissing…

Every negative interaction like this is a brick in that wall and for every brick that goes up in that wall, your connection decreases…pretty soon you have none and you’re just staring at this brick wall between you and your teenager.

This is why I talked in last Friday’s episode about one of the ways to build connection – (through showing interest in what they’re interested in.) Because it’s not going to be possible to avoid all unpleasant interactions with your teen because of the way their brain can misinterpret things. Unpleasant, you see now, that doesn’t take much. Let’s talk about how else we can counteract these negative interactions.

You may have heard me explain the magic ratio before, but it’s worth repeating: Back in the 1970s John Gottman and another researcher began several longitudinal studies on married couples, that took place over a span of 9 years.

The researchers gave all these couples a conflict to solve within 15 minutes while they watched. Just based on this observation, the researchers were able to predict with over 90% accuracy, which of the couples would be divorced, and which would still be married at the 9-year-mark. 90%!

As it turns out, there’s a very specific ratio of positive to negative interactions in a marital relationship that predicts the level of satisfaction in the marriage. The researchers called it the “Magic Ratio,” which is 5 positives to every one negative interaction. So. for one conflict, you have to balance it out with 5 other positive interactions.

In case Gottman sounds familiar, he’s also the researcher that discovered the parenting style called emotion coaching, that I also teach. And let me interject this before we go any further, I’m going to be talking about positive and negative interactions but I’m not talking about discipline – that’s another topic altogether (you can listen to episode 22.)

We are talking about day to day interactions between you and your teen, okay?

Now, other parenting experts like Dr. John Duffy (author of Parenting the New Teen in the Age of Anxiety) have likened this magic ratio in marital relationships to those between parents and kids.

As a matter of fact, in Dr. Duffy’s book he talks about an exercise he has parents of adolescents do where he asks them to keep an honest accounting of the positive and negative interactions they have with their teen for a couple of days. He tells them to be very honest and that if you don’t see that 5 to 1 ratio, you better work on it.

I agree with Dr. Duffy and because of the other research on the adolescent brain which has determined that it automatically interprets things so negatively, I say you’re going to need a hell of a lot of positive interactions between you and your teen to keep your “emotional bank account”(as Dr. Duffy calls it), in the black.

Interestingly, the list that Dr. Gottman gives for maintaining that balance in a marriage is also extremely relevant for your relationship with your teens, for example, he says:

• Be interested – listen to your teen. When they talk, you stop everything, you put that phone down and you give them 1000% attention. This is crucial. You listen when they’re excited or when they’re upset or even angry at you. You can refer back to the emotion coaching episodes (I’ll link them in the show notes) Listen and validate their emotions, give them a word to use when you realize how they’re feeling, get curious and ask questions if you don’t. And something that goes right along with this…
• Express affection – when they’re upset this helps them calm down (if they’re open to a hug or a touch on the shoulder) but just any time you want to fill their account, you show them how much you love them. And this doesn’t have to be through a hug or a kiss or some sort of touch. It can be a note on their bathroom mirror, making their favorite desert, putting clean sheets on their bed, taking them to a movie – it can be the smallest thing and does not have to cost money.
• Demonstrate they matter – Gottman says in a marriage the motto is “small things often” – that sounds like it would work in the parent-child relationship as well. Showing them, you care about them on a regular basis helps provide that buffer for conflict. If you know your kid had an especially hard day, do something nice like slip them a note under their door or put their favorite music out really loudly in the other room.
• Intentional Appreciation – As he says, when couples fight you tend to focus on the negative traits (messy, spends to much, etc.) It’s the same with your kids. Instead, try to focus on your kids’ positive traits. Along these lines, think about the as babies – get out the baby book and share it now and then and remind yourself of how precious they were and still are. And pay them (sincere) compliments as often as possible.
• Find Opportunities for Agreement – Brainstorm and find bits you can agree on – negotiate and compromise.
• Empathize and Apologize – I talk about this all the time. Empathy is so necessary in your relationship with your adolescent. Empathy for how their brain works and for all the stress they’re under (whether you see it or not.) Again learn emotion coaching and importantly – learn to apologize when you mess up. It’s great modeling for your teen.
• Accept their perspective – You and your teen can have completely different perspectives on something and totally disagree, but still respect each other’s input and opinion. This is where active listening is so important (reflecting what they say and summarizing it back to them.)
• Make jokes – As I mentioned earlier – Gottman has it on his list here as well – being able to tease and act silly during a conflict can certainly diffuse the situation.

And I may talk about some of those in this series on connection. But today, one of the last things I’ll say about the magic ratio and watching your interactions, is to remember what I’ve said before (and this comes from researcher, Dr. Laurence Steinberg) if it’s not dangerous, unethical, unhealthy, illegal or likely to close some door better left open, then it’s not worth having a rule or arguing about it – leave it up to them.

For example, please stop with the messy bedroom! Messy bedrooms are simply part of life growing up. Period. End of story. They’re not dangerous, unethical, unhealthy, illegal or likely to close some door better left open (unless, as I always say, there are roaches or rats running around in there.)

You are going to fight this battle with no end in sight and absolutely no winners because every time you remind, argue, reprimand, or do something mean like put their clothes out of their floor and onto the front porch, you are adding a brick to that wall between you. And what did we say about that wall? The communication, the trust, the connection stops and your influence with them – it ends. Then your talking rebellion, lying, acting out – you don’t want that. So, please chill out a little bit on the stuff that doesn’t matter.

You’re kid’s not going to be a slob forever, and if they are, there are worse things they could be.

You know what else you can stop doing? Fussing about that damn wet towel in the bathroom floor. If they leave it in the floor, and it’s that big of a deal to you, then make sure they have to use that towel for their next shower – hide the other towels and dole them out as you see fit and tell them that’s what they get. And if they don’t find it necessary to use a dry towel that’s been hanging on a rod, why should you care? Do you hang your towel up? When did you learn? They’ll learn to hang their towel up or they can fight with their future roommate or spouse about it – don’t risk your relationship with your kid over that towel or that messy ass room – stop it.

In all seriousness, I didn’t think about it this way until I had to have my son shipped all the way across the country to a residential treatment center because his anxiety and depression were so bad that he just couldn’t function normally.

At that point it may have already been a few months that I’d said to hell with his bedroom, but I was probably still talking about it and probably bitching about it while he was struggling so bad.

And this is what they told us at the residential treatment center – “you’re sitting there worried about a few clothes in the floor and some open bags of chips, while their entire world is falling apart around them. Your child is in pain. Messy rooms mean absolutely NOTHING. Nothing. Ever.”

Your kid may not be as stressed out and acting like mine was, but they’re stressed, I’m telling you, they are. No kid out there is immune from the stress - whether they’re the over achiever or under achiever – escapes the stress of going to school, managing teachers and parents expectations, trying to maintain friendships or popularity, school sports, homework, and the pressures of romantic partners and social media.

Your kid is stressed – so please don’t make things worse - stop focusing on things that just do not matter in the grand scheme of things.

What matters? What will help you maintain your influence for the truly important things in their life? Your connection.

How do you solidify that connection? One way is to have more positive interactions than negative. And a great way to have positive interactions is to show a real interest in what they’re interested in.

And one way to avoid negative interactions is to avoid all those nasty digs, smart comments, judgy questions, demands, threats, reminders, and fussing about stuff that doesn’t matter.

Now, that’ the sermon – podcast for today. I appreciate you putting up with my bluntness, but I wouldn’t say this stuff if I didn’t love you – it hurts me more than it hurts you (I’m kidding) – but I really am just trying to save you from looking back with any regret. Your messy, lazy, smart ass teenager is going to be just fine and believe it or not, they won’t even be a messy, lazy, smart ass grown up. Well - maybe – but nobody promised perfection now did they?!

If you want a list of episodes or books I referenced in the show, just go to the link for the show notes right there in the episode description where you’re listening.

And I really appreciate you being here and listening – you are welcome to come join us in the Facebook Group by clicking the link at the very bottom of the episode description.

And until next time, remember a little change goes a long way.