I vividly remember locking myself in my bedroom when the yelling and screaming started – which was usually every time my younger brother walked in the door.

I did whatever I could to stay out of the way, get out of the house if I could. Anything to avoid the constant chaos and conflict, holes being knocked in walls, his friends being chased away by my parents, my mom crying.

My younger brother became a life-long drug addict by 15. My parents were clueless, in denial, enablers, and suffered endlessly right along with him. Life was miserable for them and for me.

I decided before I was 20 years old that I never wanted to be in my parents’ position. And up until my mid-30s I wasn’t even sure I ever wanted to be a parent because of the risk of going through what they went through.

But then when I became a parent, I KNEW I would never be as unaware and passive as my parents had been. I would have a totally different relationship with my kids – and they’d never want to treat me the way my brother had treated them. And I wouldn’t stand for it if they did.

Fast forward a few years and I have my own teenage son. There’s lots of yelling and screaming, holes being knocked in walls, and I’m feeling extremely lost and feeling as if I was doing everything wrong.

BUT, looking back, it’s obvious to me now, that in the back of my mind, I was determined that I was NOT going to let my son turn out like my brother.

At every step, I disagreed with my husband who wanted to take a (to me) more permissive approach.

I insisted that we had to take a hard stance and get control of him and the situation.

And I had friends telling me I’d been too lenient for years because he was an only child.

I’d let him run all over me because I had tried to be understanding of his ADHD and anxiety.

I felt I was being judged as a parent by teachers, neighbors, society…I was not only putting pressure on myself to bring him under control, but I was feeling all this external pressure as well.

The bottom line – I WAS TERRIFIED.

Terrified he was messing up his future, his chance to go to college or have a great life.

Terrified I was really a horrible parent, that I was doing everything wrong and everyone knew it.

So, to try to control his behavior, we would take away his phone, the computer, the game console, not allow him to go out at certain times, restricted him from being around certain people….

I even nailed his bedroom window shut when he was sneaking out!

And you know what? His behavior and our relationship with him just got worse.

We were constantly arguing, and he was so angry it was frightening – raging at times – destroying the house

And other times he’d collapse in a puddle – crying and frustrated and saying he wanted to do better…feel better.

My husband and I were a mess too – we were anxious, depressed and at each other’s throats.

The whole family was an anxiety and depression-ridden mess.

Any pretense at normal life was gone.

I was embarrassed and ashamed that things had gotten so out of control.

What I didn’t realize until a couple of years later is that things were so out of control – because I was trying too hard to CONTROL him

And I was so focused on that control because I was parenting out of fear – it was that fear that caused me to punish, lecture, argue, nag, threaten, and treat him with very little respect

I didn’t listen, I didn’t think, I just reacted automatically to his emotional behavior with my own emotional behavior

When he needed me the most, I panicked and just brought the hammer down.

That fear had been with me since my own adolescence.

Watching my brother and my parents….. and making that subconscious decision to never let that happen to me.

But that had been years and years ago and I really didn’t even recognize it was fear that was driving me.

I didn’t realize how my own thoughts, emotions and behavior were playing a central role in my son’s thoughts, emotions, and behavior.

For some parents it’s not fear that causes controlling parenting – it may simply be a need for control or power over them – to teach them a lesson – not allow them to “win” or think they can “get away with” something.

Many of us were raised this way by own parents – we were taught to be afraid of them – afraid of being spanked or smacked or grounded for life or of their disgust or disrespect, punishment, yelling, belittling, shaming or withholding their love.

Our parents were very likely raised this way.

This “spare the rod spoil the child” mentality goes back centuries.

Parents demanded “obedience” above all else.

They literally broke a child’s will. They commanded their kids think and do only what they decided was correct.

But this style of parenting (today, we call it authoritarian) leaves no room for individual thought, questioning, discussion, negotiation…

Kids are taught to follow orders without questioning them – and if they fail to, they’re punished – because…. the thinking goes…that teaches them to never disobey again.

Well, all the scientific research shows this is simply not true.

Harsh punishment and control, indiscriminately taking things away from kids or teens…yelling, lecturing, shaming – none of this will work to change their behavior in the long term.

And all of it is detrimental to the parent-child relationship…that connection.

Depending on the teen, their personality, their history with you…some will very often do what you command - they may be afraid not to – afraid of the punishment or reprisals or of actually losing your love.

Or they may behave the way you want until they get back whatever it was you took away - or until the punishment ends and then go right back to the same behavior

Or, worse – they go totally off the rails trying to prove you can’t control them -And they become really good liars - adept at hiding things, sneaking around…it just drives them underground, working harder not to get caught.

Research shows they end up with self-esteem issues, feeling like a loser, feeling stupid, - they act out in anger towards you, become aggressive towards other people and fail to develop critical social and emotional skills.

 

I often hear parents talk of strict control, harsh words, and punishments as “teaching respect” – “how are they going to ever going to learn to respect anyone if we don’t teach them to respect us?”

But the whole obey me, respect me, or I’ll punish you and teach you to respect me - it’s flawed thinking.

First of all - think about it – do we really want to teach them to blindly obey ANYONE? Where would our society be if we didn’t challenge the status quo and question authority?

We want them to think for themselves – to ask questions – to learn the facts and draw their own conclusions –

We want them to challenge overly jealous and abusive boyfriends or girlfriends

We want them to challenge bullies, unfair treatment for themselves and anyone else

Secondly, it’s been proven over and over and over again in mountains of research, that this controlling type of parenting – whether out of fear or as a parenting ideology - is harmful for both the child and the parent-child relationship.

Disrespectful treatment, control, instilling fear, punishment, reprisals do not “teach respect”.

It may teach fear –anger – resentment – manipulation and lying…but never respect

And remember, I’m saying this to you with love – I did this for a while – mostly out of fear but there was a little of that pressure from friends about “they must obey” “they must learn respect” that stuck in my head as well

But, have you ever heard – you gotta give respect to get respect…it’s absolutely true

People respect others when they receive respect from them.

And there is no time in life when people are more attuned to receiving respect than in adolescence.

Studies have shown that teens and tweens are extremely sensitive to being respected – receiving respect from adults – like their teachers and parents and also, their peers.

A lot of this has to do with their growing need for autonomy – freedom of choice, being given responsibility – made to feel important and competent – that their opinions matter.

This push for autonomy is obviously going to lead to some amount of conflict at home – As they move through adolescence, they need to be able to question what you believe and decide things for themselves

They are also very sensitive to and have a need to achieve a higher status - standing in the social hierarchy.

And this status is based on their perception – how they’re treated by others (and a key determinant of this is – you guessed it – respect!).

So, these concepts of autonomy, respect and status are closely tied together for adolescents and are very motivational and determinative of their behavior.

Researchers find that somewhere in that age range of 14-17, teens feel they should be treated as an adult – in their mind, they’ve achieved that full adult status…

So they think anything adults do to try and influence their behavior is disrespectful – it’s not treating them as the “adult” they feel they are.

And it can be truly painful for teens that feel they’re denied that status and are not respected – by parents or peers – they can feel shame, and humiliation – which is not something we want for them.

As a matter of fact, some people believe the reason so many school-based prevention programs don’t work with teenagers is because they don’t address their need for respect and high status. It’s all adults, talking down to them and lecturing them – when they hit about 13 – this type of program stops working.

So this need for autonomy, status and respect gives us direction in parenting our kid once they hit the teen years.

Studies show that a reasonable level of monitoring and supervision (knowing where they are, who they’re with, asking for reasonable check-ins, asking reasonable questions and talking to their friends and their friends, parents, etc.) – this is all good.

Teens will do better in school, be less likely to get involved with illegal activity, substance abuse and for girls at least, they are less likely to be depressed.

However, there’s a fine line from a teen’s perspective, between reasonable monitoring and intrusive and controlling monitoring.

Once you cross that line, the outcomes begin reversing – more delinquent behavior, less achievement in school, more trouble all around – basically, you get rebellion.

Researchers feel there’s also a strong link here with the level of comfort a teen feels talking freely about what’s going on in their lives with their parents – when the parents are perceived as being reasonable, they talk.

But when they’re perceived as controlling, they clam up and start hiding and lying…because their autonomy and status are challenged.

So, we have this false belief as parents that the more on top of it we are – the better it is for our teen.

So, we’re constantly checking up on them, giving them the third degree, questioning their every move, digging around to “catch them” doing something…

And we’re only making things worse!

The more control we exert - the less connection we have, the less comfortable our teen is with talking to us and sharing things with us, which means we have fewer opportunities to influence their behavior…not more!

All the research clearly shows that there must be balance in our parenting style.

Researchers call this type of parenting… authoritative.

The parent using this authoritative, balanced approach shows love and affection, and supports their teen’s need for autonomy, respect and status, while still maintaining firm boundaries and expectations.

It’s not so much the exact measures we take but more in the overall attitude and style we use to do everything you do.

When we yell, lecture, argue, refuse to listen – we threaten their autonomy, respect and status.

When we’re inflexible, show them we don’t trust them, demand blind obedience - we threaten their autonomy, respect and status.

This behavior whittles away at our connection with them and causes them to rebel and spiral out of control.

If we want them to succeed and do well in life, we know they need to hear us and they do not hear us UNLESS they feel we’re listening to them,

…that we’re acknowledging their feelings, respect their opinions and make room for their individuality.

This means working with them instead of against them…being flexible when possible

…and staying firm when it’s not.

This is how we keep our connection strong…it’s how they HEAR us.

Let me give you a simple example: Two different moms give their teen a curfew of 11 pm on a weekend.

As the kid is leaving, the first mom says, “Remember, I want you home by 11 o’clock or you won’t be going anywhere next weekend – no excuses - don’t make me come out looking for you.”

The other mom hugs their kid and says, “Have a great time tonight! And remember to watch the time, we agreed you’d be home by 11. Let me know if you need me, I love you.”

The first parent makes the curfew sound more like a punishment and the second is simply giving a loving reminder after obviously having a conversation where they agreed on the curfew.

Both teens may make it home by 11, but which one’s going to be more likely to call their mom if they need a ride home from a party that got out of control??

Try to think of it this way:

Aren’t you more likely to listen to a friend who listens to you?

Aren’t you more likely to tell someone something if you feel they’ll try to understand your point of view – not judge you?

Aren’t you more likely to trust a friend who has shown a willingness to help you in a moment of crisis and not make you feel bad about it?

It’s really just common sense if you think about it.

It’s human nature…and our teens are super-sensitive humans.

They’re super sensitive to being bossed around,

being embarrassed and humiliated,

made to feel inferior in any way,

or feeling like they have no say.

Being an authoritative parent is just being aware of these sensitivities and working with them to get the best results – a solid relationship with our teenager, one of openness and cooperation, and their successful future.

We have to remember that our role when they become a teenager is to GUIDE them through adolescence – to let go of one of the reigns and give them the opportunities to learn on their own.

So, let’s look at the things we need to keep in mind about the level of control we exert over our teenager:

1. We cannot parent out of fear – if this is where your need for control comes from then figure out the basis for this fear (mindfulness and journaling both help in this area). Examine your background and life experiences – especially from childhood and adolescence. Once you realize where your fear is coming from you can address it properly. For example, in my case I had to tell myself that my son is not my brother. His situation is completely different even if it reminds me of my brother’s situation. I had to learn mindfulness – to parent him and him alone in the moment and not think about the past or worry about the future. I was able to get my fear under control. I’ll link to a book called Emotional Agility by Susan David in the show notes – I highly recommend it and also a book by Williams and Penman called Mindfulness, An 8 week plan for finding peace in a frantic world. I’ll also have several other links there for additional resources.

 

2. If your need for control comes from an outdated and antiquated parenting methodology – “obey me because kids are supposed to be obedient – period” then I strongly urge you to research your beliefs. I’ll link to several studies in the show notes as well as commentary from developmental psychologists. Heck, just Google “best parenting methodology” and you’ll see article after article about the authoritative parenting style (which depending on the source may be called “positive parenting”, “assertive parenting”, “calm parenting” or any number of other names different experts have decided to use.

 

Just because your parents used this style doesn’t make it right. I know, I know, you turned out OK. But I want you to think about that a minute.

 

How close were you with your parents when they were using fear tactics with you? Did you tell them everything or did you sneak around and hide your behavior? Are you close with your parents now? How do you really feel about them? Is the way you were parented having a negative impact on how you parent?

 

It is if you’re using harsh and controlling methods with your own teen. Do a little thinking or journaling about all this – do your research and reach your conclusions. The fact that you’re still listening tells me something.

 

3. Remember to get respect you have to give respect – that’s true with everyone and especially our teens. Yelling, arguing, demanding, shaming, sarcasm – none of this takes their feelings into consideration and is simply not respectful and they won’t respect you for it.

 

4. Think flexibility and collaboration rather than rigidity and obedience. Discuss the issues with them – what things are non-negotiable and what can you work with them on? Trouble shoot and problem solve to hammer things out cooperatively – Teens are much more cooperative when they’re involved in discussions about rules and the consequences for breaking them

 

5. Learn to acknowledge your teen’s opinions and feelings – put yourself in their shoes and really try to see things from their point of view – ask questions if you don’t get it – they’ll help!

 

6. Be flexible – understand that parenting a teen is a fluid experience and black and white rules are not always feasible – work together to problem solve and trouble shoot situations. You are not being permissive if you are willing to negotiate. We’re not perfect humans and we can make decisions that aren’t the best – we need to allow ourselves room to correct our mistakes as well

 

7. Allow them the freedom to make mistakes and learn from the consequences rather than trying to control them so they never make a mistake in the first place! This is SO hard for some of us but so very necessary.

 

Mistakes are literally the building blocks of learning and growth. If we never allow them to make a mistake, they will truly have a rude awakening in the real adult world.

 

8. And last – speaking of consequences of mistakes…let’s talk about punishment versus consequences and how to go about this in an authoritative way

Punishment is retribution after the fact – it’s meant to make someone suffer for their wrongdoing – a form of “getting them back” - it doesn’t serve to teach a lesson other than suffering.

Putting someone in prison is punishment. Spanking is punishment. Taking away a cell phone because they didn’t clean their room is punishment. And punishment doesn’t work to teach lessons (other than to instill fear or teach them to avoid getting caught). It doesn’t teach or guide our kids.

 

Consequence literally means the “result or effect of an action”.

Consequences do teach a lesson, especially if they occur naturally as a result of the mistake our teen makes.

For example, maybe the rule is “if it’s not in the hamper I don’t wash it”. You’re son’s looking for his soccer jersey for the game and it’s not folded and in the drawer – it’s still in the bathroom floor dirty and sweaty from the last game. So, he either wears it dirty or washes it himself before the game.

Or, let’s say your 17 year old was going 35 in a 25 – he gets a ticket – the consequence of driving over the speed limit, with the additional consequence of paying that ticket out of his own pocket

Or, your 15-year-old forgets to take their project to school – the consequence is that the teacher knocks off 10 points

Or your 13-year-old didn’t get up in time to take a shower this morning (the consequence of not getting up on time) and someone calls her “onion girl” at school – yet another consequence of not getting up on time

Natural consequences are the best teacher.

You don’t have to nag to get that jersey in the hamper after a time or two,

school projects probably receive top priority in the backpack the night before

and getting up on time probably becomes much more important…

…all without nagging, arguing, or punishment.

Let’s talk about artificially imposed or “logical” consequences when there’s no natural consequence that will occur - again the goal is not punishment but to teach a lesson, so the behavior doesn’t occur again.

First, the consequence must be relevant or logical in that it’s related to the behavior itself and not arbitrary (if it’s arbitrary it’s a punishment). If you don’t clean your room, I’m taking your cell phone for the rest of the week. What does the phone have to do with the room?

If they’re using their phone inappropriately then taking the phone may be logical consequence…(and by the way, most experts say taking the phone for 24 hours is reasonable and does the trick better than trying to hold out a week or longer).

Plus, remember, as we’ve said, respecting their autonomy is always best - so invite your teen’s opinion and discuss expected behavior or rules and the consequences for breaking the rules (teens are often more harsh with suggested consequences than we are) – if they know they’ll lose their phone for 24 hours and they’ve agreed to that, it will be much easier to enforce

And when the time comes - Impose the consequence. Don’t argue or discuss it any further. Stick to it.

Remember it’s super important to follow through on all consequences you set…

so don’t threaten or issue a consequence in anger, in the moment as a reaction to some behavior that you haven’t anticipated.

Never take away something like a special trip or prom or do something crazy like we’ve see on YouTube – shooting the laptop or running over their games with a lawn mower – although we’ve all wanted to!

When they do something wrong that you didn’t think about in advance, let them know what they did wrong, not to do it again and that there will be consequences next time and then discuss with them what that consequence will be

And by the way, no one ever said every infraction must be addressed by issuing consequences. Some kids will never do it again if you just discuss it with them!

So, let leave you with this:

Think about your reactions to your teen’s behavior.

Do you often find yourself in panic mode? Afraid of what they might do to get in trouble if you don’t get them under control?

Examine where that fear may be coming from in your own background. Start journaling about your feelings, especially about your interactions with your teen.

Look for patterns in your responses.

Figuring out what’s going on in your own mind, will help you regulate your emotions and behavior.

And if you’ve always felt you had to parent in a way that commanded their respect, demanded their obedience, I invite you to do your research into parenting styles.

Google authoritarian versus authoritative parenting.

If you were raised by an authoritarian, really think about your own relationship with your parents. Is it what you want for you and your kids?

It’s not too late to change the way you parent. And let your kids know you’re going to switch gears. They’ll respect you for seeing what’s not working and for wanting a stronger emotional connection with them.

And finally, remember, natural consequences are the best teacher. And when there are no natural consequences, logical consequences, directly related to the behavior, are best.

BUT give yourself and your child the opportunity to discuss the issues and try to resolve problems other ways as well. Not every infraction requires an imposed consequence.